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Original poster

I think I f’d up and I’m scared.

62 replies

Scaredmummyhelp · 26/02/2024 14:13

Two of my children were having a fight. The 10 year old was on top of my 4 year old and had hold of her face and was pushing it down, the 4 year old was screaming. I ran in and my immediate reaction was to shout stop and try to push and lift the 10 year old off. As I went to push she turns around and I hit her in the side of the face.
i feel absolutely horrendous and I am ashamed of myself for effectively hitting her. She started screaming- you hit me and locked herself in the bathroom. I was comforting the 4 year old and trying to apologise to the 10 year old. It was all so fast and then we all sat and cried, I apologised over and over, I feel like the shittest mother on the planet and I’m so scared I’m going to lose my children.
It is completely my fault for putting my hands on her, I should have dealt with the situation better and I deserve to lose the kids for what has happened.
I love them so much and I just don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Scaredmummyhelp · 26/02/2024 14:38

You are all right, I have a teenager and she said the same. I need to be firmer with her and stop letting her get away with so much out of fear. I need to be a better parent.

OP posts:
Mischance · 26/02/2024 14:42

And to add - I am sorry that you are in the situation where your child is reacting badly to a marital split and have found yourself having to cope alone with her difficult behaviour.

It might help to have clear parameters - to decide what carrots and sticks (not real ones!!) you will use in each situation. She does need to know that you are the one in control. Children are most often out of control when they know they have too much control. They are attracted by it but don't know what to do with it when they have it. Set some rules - tell her what they are - stick with them.

So hard to do when you are on your own I know, and easy for me to say. Hang on in there.

WinterSprings · 26/02/2024 14:43

Scaredmummyhelp · 26/02/2024 14:34

Thank-you, I’m just petrified she will say something to someone and social service will take the kids or I will be arrested or something.
I honestly don’t know what to do, she is very angry with everyone since our separation and nothing I do or say seems to pacify the situation. I refuse to get into a screaming match with her so I end up walking away until she calms down or take her iPad away.
if I so much as try to pick her up and physically take her away from a situation she just screams that I can’t touch her.

Show quote history

Even if she did I think all social services would do would be to support you in dealing with 10yo’s unacceptable behaviour. She clearly needs help dealing with her emotions that she isn’t getting. They are not going to take them away for one accident especially when they hear what a little so-and-so 10yo is turning into. You are the parent and you need to take control of the situation.
She has zero moral high ground for you hitting her even if it had been on purpose, which it wasn’t. She’s much bigger than her sister and violence especially against someone weaker than you is NEVER okay.

AegonT · 26/02/2024 14:50

You did nothing wrong. You need to stop apologising and punish your 10 year old for hurting their sibling. Your poor 4 year old needs a big hug and an assurance that they will be protected from the 10 year old's aggression. I have a six year age gap between my kids and if my older one dared hit my younger one I would be very angry and there would be severe consequences. The size difference is massive and the older one could seriously injure the little one.

MiltonNorthern · 26/02/2024 14:52

It was an accident. You hurt her by accident while pulling her off her much younger sibling. You shouldn't have been apologising to her. Apologise once, for accidentally hurting her, but you're giving her way too much power and control.

Superscientist · 26/02/2024 15:43

You need to show your 4 year old that you value her safety by appropriately reprimanding your 10 year old. She is vulnerable and needs you to protect her.

I experienced sibling violence at the hand of my younger sister. My mum was afraid of my sister's temper who could fly off the handle at the drop of a hat. It told me that my mum valued a quiet life by not upsetting my sister more than my physical safety. I have never forgiven her for this. As an adult my sister has apologised for how she treated me. My mum has never mentioned it

pickledandpuzzled · 26/02/2024 15:47

Please go to the school and ask for support for your DD’s anger issues. You need to protect your 4yr old.

They won’t be angry about you accidentally hurting her while protecting your 4yr old, and your ten yr old needs support.

InnocentAndDeranged · 26/02/2024 15:47

SomethingDifferentt · 26/02/2024 14:28

If my 10 year old was attacking their 4 year old sibling they would have been dragged off and given a slapped backside

This exactly. And please don't bother coming at with the 'but it's illegal' gubbins. I really don't care.

In the op's situation, an accidental hit to the face of a dc...I'd apologise (once) for hitting them in the face - but also be very upfront that the accidental injury was effectively caused by their own appalling behaviour. And they'd be punished for that.

All this apologising over and over and begging forgiveness and crying...good lord.

This. No wonder kids are like they are nowadays.

PossumintheHouse · 26/02/2024 15:48

Your 10-year-old was being a little shit. You didn’t ‘hit’ her, it was an accident. Your actions were entirely reasonable. Talk to her about what happened of course, but don’t overthink and berate yourself.

ToftySheepdog · 26/02/2024 15:50

Even if you HAD spanked, it would not have been undeserved. Either way, your 10 years old experienced karma today, if you believe in such.

Balloonhearts · 26/02/2024 15:51

Idc if its illegal I'd have smacked her backside and told her to go find a bloody policeman if she wants to go into foster care. Wouldn't put up with a 10 year old attacking a 4 year old.

But then mine don't do that sort of thing because they know its not tolerated.

Blackcats7 · 26/02/2024 15:59

The very fact that your ten year old is reacting like this shows you don’t ever hit her.
Children who are used to being routinely hit don’t make a comment or fuss because very sadly this is the norm for them.
Stop apologising further or your child will feel they have the control of you which is frightening for both of you and your younger child.
This was an accidental reaction and to prevent harm to the significantly younger child.
That’s it.

AttaThat · 26/02/2024 16:03

OP I suspect you could actually do with some outside help in managing your 10 year old. You did not hit her, you accidentally knocked her when having to physically intervene to stop her hurting her younger sibling. Your reaction is way over the top. No one is going to take your children away for this. I think a good first step would be to talk to her school, find out whether her anger is an issue there too.

Lassiata · 26/02/2024 16:05

That's not hitting.
The anti-smacking laws are fine but they shouldn't be making you so paranoid about separating two fighting children.
She reports it, you explain that she was physically attacking your MUCH younger child, you had to step in to separate them and caught her by accident.
This happens.

The 10 year old needs more than apologies, she needs sanctions or at least a firm conversation about why we don't bully younger kids.

I wouldn't go to the school asking for help at this stage if I were you.

Of course you don't deserve to lose them for this. That's ludicrous.
Would you consider going to the GP for your own anxiety? (Not pass ag, I have it myself and it sounds like a v hard time for you atm.)

WeeOrcadian · 26/02/2024 16:24

What you did is NOT HITTING

You were defending your smaller child who she was physically assaulting and hurting

She also needs to understand that she cannot act like this

Henbags · 26/02/2024 16:25

This can’t be real.

Parentofeanda · 26/02/2024 16:29

I definitely think your worrying about the wrong thing here. Forget about the accidental hit, a 10 year old was fighting a 4 year old... That is not acceptable no matter what excuses you could muster up and your 10 yr. old needs help before they're anger gets worse for the kids sake

Nicole1111 · 26/02/2024 16:30

Speak to the school tomorrow, let them know what’s happened in case she says anything and ask for support in managing her. They might have a family support worker who can help or signpost you to a good course like triple p.

willWillSmithsmith · 26/02/2024 16:32

Your child didn’t like being hit (albeit accidentally) but she’s fine beating the sh*t out of her 4 yr old sibling.

You’ve apologised but you need to give her talk about what she has done wrong.

If you keep apologising and grovelling to your child she won’t respect you.

Original poster
Scaredmummyhelp · 26/02/2024 17:05

O have made an appointment with GP as I agree my anxiety is through the roof. I am constantly worried about being a good mum and not getting things wrong.

OP posts:
Wibblywobblylikejelly · 26/02/2024 17:13

I'd be focusing more on your arresting with regards to having a 10 year old who thinks it's OK to assault a 4 year old.
Maybe your attitude to fearing her has lead to this attack.

Azandme · 26/02/2024 17:14

Just to be clear, not hitting children and not touching them are two entirely different things, and when your ten year old yells "You're not allowed to touch me!" she is absolutely incorrect, so stop listening to her - she's a child.

No, you cannot hit your child. But you can use your hands to guide them out of a room. You can lift them to move them if necessary, and you can restrain them within reason and with appropriate care. None of these are hitting.

Your child is pushing against boundaries because they feel unsafe - their world shifted and that's scary. She needs boundaries.

Ask the school for support.

TheBayLady · 26/02/2024 17:38

Your 10 year old is a bully and now she has had a taste of her on medicine she doesn't like it. You have apologised now leave it there. She needs to be dragged into line and fast.

TheBayLady · 26/02/2024 17:42

OP If i had done this to a younger sibling i would have got my arse whacked and i would bloody well have deserved it and would have learned from it.

SparkyBlue · 26/02/2024 17:43

OP you poor thing you sound really stressed. Please do not apologise to your ten year old . Sit her down and explain how totally unacceptable her behaviour is. Explain that you intervened because she was assaulting her sibling. And then give her a punishment for her behaviour