Daughter reaction to my pregnancy

[no1babyno1]

Hey, I just need some advice. Sorry it's a bit long.

I am currently 30 weeks pregnant
I already have a daughter she has just turned 5 years old.
All she has asked for the last two years is a sibling as all her friend have one apparently.

Well we told her I was pregnant around the 18weeks mark.
She was/is so happy and excited. She can't wait to meet her new baby.

But even though she is very happy and excited and it's all she wants as she keeps telling me. I know some children's behaviour changes or can go backwards a little.

We have tried to include her into everything. We asked her advice on names. We went to a 4d scan and she came. we tried to make it all about her and say the baby wanted her to see it as the baby loves her so much already and can't wait to meet her. Even brought her the teddy of the baby's heart beat.

I have even been trying to make a bigger deal of us doing things together like mummy daughter day. We went and got her nails done and we had a shopping spree. Which she spent most of the time thinking of the baby. Making me go to the baby area to look for clothes. When I'm encouraging us to look for her more than the baby.

But.......
she has been a nightmare for behaviour. I hate to say it but she was an angel before. I couldn't ask for a better child. But now she's being rude and horrible to not only myself but other children.
Shes writing and drawing on everything. Shes been clean since she was 1 years old and shes gone back to wetting herself. But even worse she goes to the bathroom and just stands next to the toilet to just wet herself.

She was really into doing homework and learning and now she asks to do the work and then cry's because she doesn't what to do it. But then also cry's when I tell her she doesn't have to.

We try are best to talk about feeling and emotions with her which she was really good at. Rather than getting upset and crying. She would come and say this has upset me and I would like to change it. She's acted very grown up. But now she just bursts into tears with everything and anything. I'm not saying crying is bad but it just wasn't like her to cry for anything.

She keeps saying to people you don't love me anymore.
These are just some of the things she's is doing.

How do I help her? She is obviously happy but also anxious about the new baby coming.
At first I tried to not tell her off exactly. I would say that's not good or do we think that's a good thing to do. Next time we can trying to not blah blah....
But it's getting to the point now where all I'm doing is saying no or stop that, be nice.

Any advice would be great. Even if it's a just stick it.

I would be inclined to gently discourage her from overthinking about the baby. "Yes it's exciting but can we talk about something else? What game do you want to play?" because it sounds like an all consuming issue for her at the moment.

Maybe when she brings it up (and again gently and slowly) start to help her visualise what life will be like when the baby comes, both in baby and non baby related ways. "I love crafting with you, it will be a long time before the baby can join in with that won't it? It will just be our thing".

And I would overlook the difficult behaviour as much as you can within reason, because as you've identified, it's all coming from her worries.

And I completely agree with ArrestHer on the advice to keep some time specifically baby free. Bearing in mind that you will be knackered post partum, so think about what other people can do to help you that will mean you still have some energy for your 5 year old ☺️

I'm going to go against the grain here and say I think you sound like a wonderful mum!
What lucky girls your daughters have
I agree that I think some people on here have been rude and horrid to you. You've gone out of your way to ensure that you don't want to leave her out, I don't even think it's intense as some have suggested - it's just you explaining a lot of content in a few paragraphs. Over a long period amount of time
Then having to explain why you take your 5 year old to a salon?! Perfectly normal thing to do within reason like you've explained.

I did all what you described even though my age gap is bigger and you just want to ensure she is loved and included.

Yes maybe don't try so hard but you've come on here for advice and support so I hope you feel you have that from some post x

Yes, this. I was reading all that thinking 'wow' before I even got to the part about the behaviour! Way over board and I'm not surprised she's playing up.

Even if you behaved totally perfectly (let me know if you work it out!!!) Then your daughter could still act out. She knows her life is about to change. She can't fully understand or articulate how she feels about that - even adults find it hard to do this. So she's acting out a bit, fluctuating between wanting to be special and separate from the baby by being a "big girl" but sometimes needing to feel like your baby too.

Don't take it as a judgement on you or your actions. Just give her space to express how she feels and don't make a big deal out of it. If she has an accident, clean her up calmly and remind her that she is a big girl and uses the toilet. If shes aaking for things that are perhaps inappropriately adult, it's your call whether to indilge that or not - what would you have done pre-pregnancy?

Try to avoid making a big fuss. At 5, she won't equate quality time now with time lost by you being busy after the baby comes. You can't top them up in advance as much as an adult iyswim. Just keep things as calm and routine as you can and dont take it personally as she works through her feelings.

You've got this! You love her and you care so it'll work out ok in the end. This is a great learning opportunity for her.

I deliberately didn't mention the nail bar and the scans.

Nail bar - they aren't something I would bother with for myself or for a child but that's just me. It's your choice entirely.

Scans - I took my own older children during each subsequent pregnancy. I didn't have any childcare to leave them with otherwise. Sometimes they were mildly interested, but generally DH just had to keep a grip on them until it was over - even taking them out to the play area if necessary. I didn't pay for any 4d scans but that took is personal choice.

I still think that you have gone too far overboard and need to dial it back. Answer her questions in an age appropriate way but other than that just continue with her normal routines as much as possible.

Don't involve her in things like shopping for baby stuff. No need, and you can probably re-use much of the stuff you already have from when DD herself was a baby.

I wouldn't involve her in the naming of the baby either. That is a big decision which will affect the new baby for their whole life. It is for the adults to decide (and plenty of us can struggle there), not a 5 year old.

She is the one that begged me for months to take her to a salon. I found one that will let us bring our own, she is in there max 5 minutes

It's still not really appropriate for a 5 year old. You can't let her have whatever she wants just because she begs for months. Just tell her the salon is not for children.

You can play 'pretend' at home.