Daughter reaction to my pregnancy

[no1babyno1]

Hey, I just need some advice. Sorry it's a bit long.

I am currently 30 weeks pregnant
I already have a daughter she has just turned 5 years old.
All she has asked for the last two years is a sibling as all her friend have one apparently.

Well we told her I was pregnant around the 18weeks mark.
She was/is so happy and excited. She can't wait to meet her new baby.

But even though she is very happy and excited and it's all she wants as she keeps telling me. I know some children's behaviour changes or can go backwards a little.

We have tried to include her into everything. We asked her advice on names. We went to a 4d scan and she came. we tried to make it all about her and say the baby wanted her to see it as the baby loves her so much already and can't wait to meet her. Even brought her the teddy of the baby's heart beat.

I have even been trying to make a bigger deal of us doing things together like mummy daughter day. We went and got her nails done and we had a shopping spree. Which she spent most of the time thinking of the baby. Making me go to the baby area to look for clothes. When I'm encouraging us to look for her more than the baby.

But.......
she has been a nightmare for behaviour. I hate to say it but she was an angel before. I couldn't ask for a better child. But now she's being rude and horrible to not only myself but other children.
Shes writing and drawing on everything. Shes been clean since she was 1 years old and shes gone back to wetting herself. But even worse she goes to the bathroom and just stands next to the toilet to just wet herself.

She was really into doing homework and learning and now she asks to do the work and then cry's because she doesn't what to do it. But then also cry's when I tell her she doesn't have to.

We try are best to talk about feeling and emotions with her which she was really good at. Rather than getting upset and crying. She would come and say this has upset me and I would like to change it. She's acted very grown up. But now she just bursts into tears with everything and anything. I'm not saying crying is bad but it just wasn't like her to cry for anything.

She keeps saying to people you don't love me anymore.
These are just some of the things she's is doing.

How do I help her? She is obviously happy but also anxious about the new baby coming.
At first I tried to not tell her off exactly. I would say that's not good or do we think that's a good thing to do. Next time we can trying to not blah blah....
But it's getting to the point now where all I'm doing is saying no or stop that, be nice.

Any advice would be great. Even if it's a just stick it.

This may sound a bit harsh, but I think you need to stop being so over the top and dramatic about the new baby with her. You are blowing it out of all proportion and probably worrying her.

Stop involving her in decisions that are yours to make. It sounds as though you are forcing things, and trying to force enthusiasm from her because you are so afraid that if you don't she will feel left out. She won't.

You are way, way, way overthinking things. When I had subsequent babies my older two children were similar ages to your DD. They were at best mildly interested for a few minutes now and again but would then just waft on to the next thing as kids that age do. I just let that happen.

Don't go so overboard on the new baby stuff. It sounds smothering to be honest. Let her relax and be a 5 year old. Let her be herself.

Tell your dd your heart gets bigger so that you can love her even more and the baby at the same time. And yes to dialling back on everything else. You’re carving her a role without her deciding what she wants that role to be. Give her some space and autonomy to be her.

She is probably overwhelmed if all she hears is about a baby

I agree that you might have overwhelmed her, although your motive was good. She’s just 5! My 6 year old was pretty disinterested about a pregnancy - vaguely excited about a sibling when asked but it wasn’t a huge deal to them and I didn’t spend so much time talking with them and involving them in every aspect of the pregnancy. Just stop talking with her so much about the baby maybe? You’re acting like you’re scared of her? Just treat her the same way as before you were pregnant! If she’s a bit jealous or whatever, she will get over it! No child was ever traumatized by having a sibling? But you’re maybe acting a bit like it’s a traumatic event and tiptoeing around her a bit and she’s maybe either picking up on your anxiety or becoming a bit of a brat because of the change in behavior.

Clearly I didn't explain myself correctly as everyone seems to be hung up over somethings.
One i tried to in the beginning not be all about the baby but like I said she's is all about the baby that's all that comes out of her mouth.

And everyone's hung up on me taking her to get her nails done.

1. we take her own child safe nail polish to the salon and they just paint them.
2. she likes to go. She is the one that begged me for months to take her to a salon. I found one that will let us bring our own, she is in there max 5 minutes
3. we do crafts all the time. So getting her nails done it's a treat,
4. I don't even get my own nails done. So this isn't something she's seen me getting. It's just something she's interested in.

I'm not doing this all the time. Every bloody day,

And I took her to the scan. Because she has seen the pictures from one of my scan and asked if she was allowed to come.

I will thank some of you from your advice. Yes I may have gone over board. But I was trying to make it more about her. Because all she does it make it about the baby.
I could be standing in a shop and she would have told about 5 people in 5 minutes there's and baby in my belly.

How am I supposed to just know what the best thing to do is. I have never been in this position before. So some of you I think are just rude and horrible.

Those of you that are saying I am overboard and making a fussy and are giving me actual advice to dial back. That's fine i will try. Thank you.

I mean this kindly OP but you've done so much stuff that is baby related that you've created anxiety in your daughter. This period should be where you are calming any fears she may have, but the exact opposite has happened. Yes she's excited and tells people, but leave it at that. Nails, shopping, scans etc are all too much for a little one.

Take a step back or two. Lots of love, hugs, reassurance. Doing things you normally do- arts and crafts, reading a book, watching a movie together, playing games. Give her reassurance this way, as that's what she needs.

Ok, so you have 8-10 more weeks before baby arrives, probably. That’s a long time for a 5 year old and plenty of time to just be there for her.

Think of it this way, your daughter is clearly a brother, sweet, intelligent girl. She can ask you for things and talk about some things another 5 year old wouldn’t perhaps think of. But she’s still 5, so she’ll also have some huge worries and anxieties about another child arriving that she can’t articulate and you just can’t assuage with words.

this is why her behaviour is shifting, because of the bits she can’t articulate not because of the bits she can. (I had the same with my eldest and found it hard)

my recommendation is to get a really steady routine going that you can keep up once baby is here. Just a couple of bits. Do you always read at night. You still do that when baby is here, whatever happens.

after school always find just 10/mons to play full attention on her. And keep that time baby free once a day.

little things in a routine like that mean when baby comes she also gets that priority time. And I’m not saying you have any intention to ignore her, I’m saying a new baby can make it difficult to do, and so make it habit and make it conscious.

you sound like a lovely mum, doing her best, and I think everything you have done isn’t a bad thing, but she also needs the consistency and routines to help.

good luck with the new baby 🥰

Agree dial back the baby stuff massively, and maybe time for your DD to start having 1-1 time with her dad too. You’re carrying the baby, as excited as you think she is she might just need a complete break from thinking about the baby. She’s maybe worried to tell you she isn’t that happy about it as the baby is physically with you at all times. Some time away from you and baby might do her a lot of good.

You’ve gone completely overboard and the result is she’s overwhelmed and anxious. You should be making every effort to keep her life normal and on an even keel, not filling every day with guff about the new baby.

It’s always difficult to know what to do when you’ve never been in a situation before, so don’t be too hard on yourself, you’ve tried to put her first which is lovely 😊
It will all fine, you have time to dial it back a bit and get back into a normal routine. If she tells other people you’re pregnant then just smile, nod, let her say what she wants and move the conversation on naturally to something else so that she knows it’s ok to talk about it but that it’s not the only thing happening in your lives at the moment. Normal, boring, safe routine is what she needs right now and when the baby arrives do the same as you do now as far as possible - school run, bath, homework, reading etc

Relax about it all now. Take your daughter to parks and walks to run off all that anxious energy. Exercise is good for both of you to reduce your anxiety.
Let her be 5 yrs old and play, run around, find a tree she can climb or a lake she can skim stones on.

This. Don’t make a big pantomime about the new baby. The vibe should be that yes it’s nice news but at the same time life carries on normally.

You were obviously worried she would be jealous, so in trying to preempt that you’ve gone a bit too far the other way.

Not every child is jealous of their new sibling, in fact I’d say the majority aren’t beyond a bit of playing up when your attention is taken up with a new baby. Let your daughter feel her emotions once the baby is here, rather than trying to head them off beforehand.

A five year old won’t equate the time you’re spending with her now to the time you can’t spend with her when the baby comes; when she wants a wee/loses her teddy/draws on the wall while you’re feeding a newborn you can’t say “oh but I took you shopping and got your nails done”.

I wonder if she’s feeling a bit confused with some things. She has clearly perceived homework is important and a positive element, but now you’re saying she doesn’t need to do it - she may need the boundary of someone saying, “It’s ok to find it tough, but it does need to be done, so let’s sit down together and work it out”.

I’d echo what pp have said and dial back on the baby focused stuff and make life very normal. Keep one to one time that’s just about her, take her to feed the ducks, play some imaginative games that involve adventure or other role play (not mums and babies), do some tactile activities like making a collage (you could go out for a walk to collect things to add to it) or playdoh/clay, and go swimming together.

It sounds like you’re a lovely mum, but I’d shift the focus back to her still being a young child.

HI OP, congratulations on your pregnancy.

Your daughter is definitely trying to tell you something, that she anxious and extremely worried and this is definitely related to the baby as that is all she talks about. Something isn’t making her feel safe. Yes, it could be the over involvement but it also could be something a friend has said to her as well.

I agree in very much focusing on doing normal 5 year old things (park, soft play, stories, baking etc). She may be asking for things like the salon and shopping and not doing homework because they are babyish and she needs to be a grown up because of the baby. Then she does baby things like wetting herself because she doesn’t think she is up to the job.

as others have said, scale it back. Don’t involve her in names or scans. Tell her it’s a long time before baby arrives and whilst keeping baby talk to a minimum don’t totally ignore either. Talk to her whilst playing, try to find out her feelings. She is worried OP, so you need to be relaxed and have firm, loving boundaries with her. As the poster above says, keep her routines, story time etc the same, before and after baby arrives.

I think by trying to create a lot of excitement about the baby, you may have made it hard for her to express anxiety about all the change. Like it seems like it's not allowed to do that because everything about the baby has been happy and exciting.

Maybe if you let her know that it's ok to feel worried and anxious about how her life will change when the baby comes, she will feel more comfortable to say what she feels. If she does express anxiety, make sure to acknowledge those feelings too, not just jumping straight in to reassure, so that she doesn't feel dismissed.

You probably have worries about having 2 children, even though you are also excited about your pregnancy. It's the same for your daughter - Her life will change and some things will be hard at times (and just different) even though there will be loads of good things too.

We have tried to include her into everything. We asked her advice on names

As above, you’ve gone completely mental about it and it’s become so huge she can’t handle it. You cannot ask a five year old for advise on names…

Just act normally, calm your jets about the baby and let the poor kid settle.

Focus on the relationship for the future rather than the big reveal moment. Casually talk about other (good) sibling relationships to normalise it, like when she’s in a shop telling everyone you’re pregnant, say “I wonder if <your sister|brother|aunt> was as excited when i was born”. When her pal is coming to
play, casually talk about the everyday things the friend’s brother or sister does like sports or computer games if older, or play if younger.

The problem is that right now she knows the script for the exiting arrival of a baby but struggles with the future state and what that means to her. It’s time to normalise this and make it part of most people’s lives.

Sorry but you’ve gone massively overboard which has fed your daughter’s anxiety and hyped up behaviour. Dial it right back. Carry on with normal life. Don’t take your daughter for special treats unless you’d be doing that anyway if you weren’t pregnant. Don’t involve her in name choices or nursery colour choices or baby clothes shopping. Remove opportunities for her to obsess over baby clothes, etc, by going shopping by yourself or ordering online.

Her telling people you have a baby in your tummy is fine and pretty normal behaviour but make your reaction low-key. Nod and smile at the strangers she’s telling then bring your daughter back to what you’re doing.

Just had a thought - could the weeing also be her attempt to remind you she’s still little and still your baby too?

It's all too much for her snd she probably wants things to go back to more normal.

This reads as a huge built up that she probably now feels she needs to go along with. Giving her the space to talk as pp said would be good.

My DS1 got a big brother tshirt when the baby came and a teddy from the baby and other than that it was all just matter of fact - to tell the truth I didn't really think about DS2 until just before he arrived as life just carried on with DS1 as normal until no2 came!

I agree with everyone else.

She was already so excited about having a sibling, and I think all you needed to do was to let her use her imagination of what it will be like. And I’ve heard parents preparing a gift for the older sibling as a gift from the baby which helps to reduce sibling rivalry.

You only need to have small and light hearted conversations at such a young age such as “you will be such a good big sister” etc. But remember a 5 year old also doesn’t experience time like an adult. So you could actually spend the pregnancy doing what you usually do and supporting her whilst maybe talking to bump aswell. As opposed to the big gestures, she has probably sensed that you have changed a little.

My DD was 12 when my second came and she voiced “my life is about to change” - it shows how overwhelming the thought is for a preteen - it must feel the same for a 5 year old. Even then, I’ve kept her life as normal as possible, I haven’t made a big deal out of it (she makes a bigger deal than me!).

STOP TALKING ABOUT THE BABY!!

I would avoid lying to her about the baby loving her and looking forward to seeing her as she is going to be a bit confused when it arrives. She won’t know what else you have said to her is real and it could be quite unsettling.

Ah you're getting a hard time here.

Kids do go nuts 5. Even though reception is early years still there's a bridge to formal learning and lots of kids just explode on coming out, like they've been holding it together all day.
There's probably multiple factors involved.