Nanny issue - mental health

[iloveburmese3]

Hi everyone, my lovely part time nanny last week told me she has mental health issues to deal with (in her own words 'demons and very messy issues + she's having a break down) to which I very kindly told her I understood and to get better. For background, this woman has only been amazing, strong, kind, positive so it came as a huge shock when she rang me to tell me this. Five days later and she's texting saying she's better and can she work for us again. My gut is saying no, as it's not any old job taking care of children - it's my babies lives in her hands 3 mornings a week while I work. I would never forgive myself if anything happened. Am I being dramatic? She's not being forthcoming with any more details on her 'break down'. What would you do. Thanks!

The nanny won’t engage so what’s the point. She doesn’t work in an admin role for OP, she is responsible for her tiny children. Takes it to an entirely new level where any risk is unacceptable.

I'm.... not telling her to 'sod off' how strange to say this?

Iloveburmese3
You have said you will tell her it's best for her to leave and you will give her a month's pay. You are dismissing her. You are not giving her sick leave. You are telling her to go.

Because she's told me she's having mental health issues and I'm worried for my children's lives - mentioning demons it's just too worrying.

OP, you're not wrong to have concerns and normally in any employment there'd be sick pay and an assessment process to go through. But perhaps because it's all verbal and she's had multiple other jobs going on, you don't see it as a true employment situation.

So own your behaviour. You have decided she is a danger to your children because she is having mental health issues. You could give her sick leave. You are not. Why not?

You won’t get a fair hearing here OP. These posters have seen the words ‘illness’ and ‘dismissal’ and, even though I’m certain they would have the same worries as you if it was THEIR kids, they will support the nanny no matter what while trying to make you feel like shit.

I haven't sent the message yet. Perhaps I suggest sick leave? I'm on here to ask advice not get abuse by the way 😹

I was a nanny. I'm now a mum. I've had bad mental health. I 100% managed to look after numerous children aged weeks to nine years and then three of my own of four and under with no issue. I was always very attentive. I was sacked from one job because she found out I hadn't lived with parents as a child. It is not very generous of your husband to give her a months money. You are basically sacking her for being honest. I understand your concern for your child and you've clearly made your mind up, but she's been looking after your child while struggling for a period of time. You didn't even notice so she must have done a good job. You sound very untrusting of her.

Employees in France have much stronger legal rights than in the UK. You should check the legality of what you have said and done here in relation to this relaxed verbal contract.

Demons is quite a generic term, but it’s difficult if she won’t explain further. Have there been any other incidents of concern?

So you want to sack her for being ill?

@iloveburmese3 You and your husband sound lovely and kind. I can hear you're struggling with this.

I also have significant mental health issues. Mine are more managed today than they manage me.

As a mom and nana, I get you. Your children must come first.

There is no way your nanny can be stable again in 5 days.

It's taken me years of therapy to get where I am today.

Tell her you will give her a reference, providing ita not for children's work for her sake, is maybe another option

I thought you had to do payroll and make it official to employ a nanny now? I would say you’re on dodgy ground with that OP.

'demons and very messy issues
i mean, that langage is not just being off sick a few days.

but op one month’s pay isnt generous

Goodness, OP. I understand your concerns but this woman is your employee. You can't just dismiss her for poor mental health. You risk a significant discrimination claim against you. I would take some legal advice if at all possible before you do anything. And please note that there is absolutely nothing generous about paying a month's notice when you dismiss them for being ill... this is surely the bare minimum!

The OP is dressing up unpleasant, possibly illegal employment practices with wishy washy faux care and concern. She has responsibilities as an employer. Frequently people who employ nannies try to avoid them when they are sick or pregnant.

She has responsibilities as a parent. These come wayyyyy before any responsibilities to an employee.

About ten years ago. I had this exact same scenario happen to me. I asked for advice on mumsnet and was told I was being a massive bitch and that, people with mh difficulties were allowed to have children.

Anyway

So op I'm glad to see people are being kinder to you.
And op I didn't send my kids back. I spoke to her and said let's just give it some time. She had another breakdown and her own children were left reeling. I am glad my children weren't there.
She told me that the routine of looking after my kids etc was what she needed. But I didn't feel that my children should bare that responsibility.

I have a severe mental health condition for over 20 years that has resulted in me having months off work. I have also been on the edge of a breakdown and with 1/2 day to a week off work been able to focus on my wellbeing and return to work. On the half a day occasion my colleague said genuinely he thought I would be off work work weeks if not long after breaking down in the office at lunch. I returned the next day. That was slightly different as it was a very stressful weekend that triggered the breakdown on Monday. I have found over the years that my mental health is managed much better when I can stop and take the days earlier in the episode to stop the escalation that results in months off work

I wouldn't use it against her and I would offer sick leave. It give her the chance for you to regain your confidence and get yourself confident in what you would like to do is fair and legal and doesn't put you or the nanny in a difficult places unnecessarily

Would you feel comfortable giving the months pay and reassessing the possibility of her coming back next month, or in the future?

Then she should have had a proper contract in place. As required by law.

Of course she should’ve. The nanny should also have demanded one. But they are where they are.

You need to treat her mental health issues the same as if she were to have physical health issues. So pay her sick leave and help her return when she is properly ready (though it doesn't sound as if she is).

Mental health problems can be just as manageable as physical health ones. The issue is the stigma which comes with them. No wonder if she is not opening up if your response is essentially to sack her.

I would be honest. Say you are worried. Say you need evidence of proper treatment and manage a return to work. Just because you have no written contract doesn't mean you are contractually obliged to treat her fairly.

I don't disagree with this, and if she has concerns about this woman caring for her kids - valid or otherwise - she should not leave the children in her care.

That doesn't absolve her from her legal responsibilities as an employer to her employee, though.