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Original poster

How do i cope with my friends abusive son.

30 replies

Redlarge · 13/02/2024 22:27

My friends son is 10. He literally stares her down until she agrees to his every whim. Or has a huge attitute if he doesnt get money spewed at him eg. After a day out at the park, meal out he went ape shit about wanting to go bowking at 8pm. She was desperate to persuad us to go as if she was scared of his reaction. He was kickingher chair in the car and staring at her.. I said no. He stared her down and ignored her the whole drive home.
She has to ask him the same question a minumum of 5 times before he will reply and he rolls his eyes and taps in an intimidating manner with his rage at being asked a basic question like what food would you like.
We were recently in a restaurant and he insisted on cake first then wasted a £15 meal after becuse he wasnt hungry. She hasnt got the money for this.
Another time we were out in a restaurant and he kept leaning over the table and grabbing food from my plate. I told him to stop and she just said oh let him have a chip.
I am getting to the point where i dont want to socialise with him

But i love them both. I dont want to parent her kid but i also don't want my kids to see this shitty behavior.

OP posts:
Patchworksack · 13/02/2024 22:43

Just see her adults only. She clearly doesn’t appreciate any attempt to impose some (reasonable) boundaries. Leave her to it, she knows where you are if she wants advice.

Original poster
Redlarge · 13/02/2024 22:45

Would you tell him off. His behaviour is disgusting.

OP posts:
FreshHellscape · 13/02/2024 22:47

I would definitely tell him off about anything involving or affecting me.

Where do you think it comes from? Has he been exposed to dv?

Grimchmas · 13/02/2024 22:50

I'm another wondering where he has learnt this behaviour from.

I wouldn't tolerate it, no. And I wouldn't want to see her with him in tow, either.

Original poster
Redlarge · 13/02/2024 22:51

FreshHellscape · 13/02/2024 22:47

I would definitely tell him off about anything involving or affecting me.

Where do you think it comes from? Has he been exposed to dv?

Yes. Her oldest son grew up with a dad that wasnt his own (he is 10 year olds dad) and hes a lovely boy but bubbling with disrespect and resentment for him having to grow up with them. The dad is a high flyer banker type and likes to everyone to remind him how amazing he id.

OP posts:
Patchworksack · 13/02/2024 22:51

Yes if it involves you - taking your food, for example. But I’d just engineer it so I didn’t see him - his behaviour is very unpleasant and a terrible example for your own children, why would you spend precious time with him?

Original poster
Redlarge · 13/02/2024 22:52

Grimchmas · 13/02/2024 22:50

I'm another wondering where he has learnt this behaviour from.

I wouldn't tolerate it, no. And I wouldn't want to see her with him in tow, either.

I think id let it go more if he were 5 or 6 and testing boundaries. But he should know know surely. See im strict and i question my standards.

OP posts:
CadyEastman · 14/02/2024 08:47

Like others have said I would try and see your DF without her DS. It sounds as though he's crying out for some boundaries and guidance from your DF but sadly it doesn't sound as though she's going to provide them anytime soon. Things are only going to get worse once puberty kicks in.

Original poster
Redlarge · 14/02/2024 17:39

CadyEastman · 14/02/2024 08:47

Like others have said I would try and see your DF without her DS. It sounds as though he's crying out for some boundaries and guidance from your DF but sadly it doesn't sound as though she's going to provide them anytime soon. Things are only going to get worse once puberty kicks in.

Its really diffucult as our soms are in the same class and are friends.

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 14/02/2024 17:42

I would not allow my son to be friends with this child, that is for certain.

Runnerinthenight · 14/02/2024 17:44

Have you talked to your friend about his behaviour? Maybe she is struggling and could do with some support?

CadyEastman · 14/02/2024 17:57

Its really diffucult as our soms are in the same class and are friends

How does your DS feel about this boys behaviour? Is he keen to meet up with him?

Sk8erboi · 14/02/2024 19:05

How is this child in school? Is this behaviour just aimed at his mum or is he like this in general.
It sounds difficult, would you be able to have a conversation with your friend about it and how it is abusive? Although I know these conversations are difficult.

Original poster
Redlarge · 14/02/2024 19:34

Sk8erboi · 14/02/2024 19:05

How is this child in school? Is this behaviour just aimed at his mum or is he like this in general.
It sounds difficult, would you be able to have a conversation with your friend about it and how it is abusive? Although I know these conversations are difficult.

Im going to have to. Its making me feel real uncomfortable.

He is extremely competitive and likes to be the best at everything (hes not) he gets very angry at any other child for perceived weakness.. eg if they dont get something right straight away or if they drop the ball during basketball. He can be quite nasty with the critism when in reality they are all just learning and it shouldnt matter.

My son notices and will point out that his friends behaviour is awful. He even said after the restaurant 'if id have acted like that you would have made us leave the restaurant wouldnt you' so he knows its wrong.

OP posts:
RedChester · 14/02/2024 19:37

why are you exposing your son to this? it’s bad enough they’re friends in school but to socialise outside of it shows your son that on some level you tolerate this behaviour.

He is showing massive red flags for DV in the home. I’d be speaking to school and making sure your son knew he wasn’t to tolerate this abuse.

User19798 · 14/02/2024 19:40

I'd be very very blunt with him and yes, tell him off in no uncertain terms. I'd have stopped seeing her thou, she's enabling it and will no doubt excuse the violent man he became as well.

DH and I did tackle an abusive child that I had come to stay following the breakdown of the parent's relationship ended. I was repeatedly told it was not his fault etc etc - he was 4. He stopped, never did it again and he comes to me for advice a lot now he is 17. A child knows hitting and violence is wrong and allowing it only brings them to conclude you're weak or undeserving of respect.

Original poster
Redlarge · 14/02/2024 19:41

RedChester · 14/02/2024 19:37

why are you exposing your son to this? it’s bad enough they’re friends in school but to socialise outside of it shows your son that on some level you tolerate this behaviour.

He is showing massive red flags for DV in the home. I’d be speaking to school and making sure your son knew he wasn’t to tolerate this abuse.

I know. I was thinking about it today and im going to put some distance between us. No more socialising outside of school and keep an eye on what my son reports about school.
Its quite uncomfortable to be around. You are right, my son won't be seeing it anymore. Tbh i think he will know why given then conversations we have had.

OP posts:
Original poster
Redlarge · 14/02/2024 19:43

User19798 · 14/02/2024 19:40

I'd be very very blunt with him and yes, tell him off in no uncertain terms. I'd have stopped seeing her thou, she's enabling it and will no doubt excuse the violent man he became as well.

DH and I did tackle an abusive child that I had come to stay following the breakdown of the parent's relationship ended. I was repeatedly told it was not his fault etc etc - he was 4. He stopped, never did it again and he comes to me for advice a lot now he is 17. A child knows hitting and violence is wrong and allowing it only brings them to conclude you're weak or undeserving of respect.

I think you've hit the nail on the head. He very much sees people as week and not to be respected. Its only me that ever says anything to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Redlarge · 14/02/2024 19:46

CadyEastman · 14/02/2024 17:57

Its really diffucult as our soms are in the same class and are friends

How does your DS feel about this boys behaviour? Is he keen to meet up with him?

They do have fun. They play basketball together a lot and they do laugh and play. However the other boy will always have to be in charge.
They went exploring at our local lake and found bits and bobs at the shore. Immediately when anything is found by either boy he claims it and takes it. Everything is always his.

OP posts:
Fetaa · 14/02/2024 19:48

Two questions …

How does his father treat his mum? Is he respectful towards her?

Does he have a diagnosed disability. Could he be ND?

Original poster
Redlarge · 14/02/2024 19:55

Fetaa · 14/02/2024 19:48

Two questions …

How does his father treat his mum? Is he respectful towards her?

Does he have a diagnosed disability. Could he be ND?

No nothing to suggest ND. He can very much turn on the charm when he wants to ... within seconds.

His dad thinks he's something to write home about, imposter syndrome imo. Hes disrespectful towards mum, but not all the time. She fluffs his feathers and he loves it. She has a short memory with him, forgets him upsetting her when there is an expensive meal on offer or bill to be paid. However she is a lot nicer to him that he is to her.

OP posts:
PiggieWig · 14/02/2024 19:59

It sounds like potentially learned behaviour and I’d be gently supporting your friend, but if you see her son acting this way towards her then yes, I’d tell him that isn’t acceptable and you won’t be doing whatever you’re doing if he carries on.

hiredandsqueak · 14/02/2024 19:59

I had to end the friendship when I was in a really similar situation I couldn't stand it.I had lost any respect I had for df probably about the time her ds broke his pool cue hitting his sister (he would have been 10 or 11) who had multiple welts and df's reaction was to buy her son a better pool cue with a case. That came soon after he hospitalised a child at school. I had already made sure that he never came into contact with my dc but it wasn't enough for me I was on edge every time I went to her house waiting for him to kick off. He stopped going to school soon after so no idea what has become of him but I hope any females have given him a wide berth.

Original poster
Redlarge · 14/02/2024 20:04

hiredandsqueak · 14/02/2024 19:59

I had to end the friendship when I was in a really similar situation I couldn't stand it.I had lost any respect I had for df probably about the time her ds broke his pool cue hitting his sister (he would have been 10 or 11) who had multiple welts and df's reaction was to buy her son a better pool cue with a case. That came soon after he hospitalised a child at school. I had already made sure that he never came into contact with my dc but it wasn't enough for me I was on edge every time I went to her house waiting for him to kick off. He stopped going to school soon after so no idea what has become of him but I hope any females have given him a wide berth.

Hospitalised a child. Oh my word.

OP posts:
Lavender14 · 14/02/2024 20:05

Op what you're describing are all red flags of domestic abuse in that home. Her ds is learning that behaviour from someone and it sounds like from his dad. Often abusive parents weaponise their children in order to control their partner. I would ask her directly to be honest, I'd say you can see she's really trying to hold boundaries with him and in those moments when he's pushing back you often wonder if it would be helpful to her if you backed her up or if she prefers you just let her deal with it. I'd tell her you want to be supportive towards her but you don't want to overstep and then let her make that call. I personally would try to see her as much as possible even if that means with him because from your posts my guess is her husband is abusive.