Feeling regret over having a second child

[NewMomma21]

Hi everyone,

Hoping for some support or maybe reassurance that it gets better.

I am currently at home FT with a 2 year DS and 4.5 m DS.

Younger DS is a very difficult baby. He cries a lot and very intensely. He fights every single nap, screeching relentlessly until picked up. He does like being left in any place that is not my arms, won’t play on a mat longer than 5 mins, same for sling, bouncer etc. He is on medication for silent reflux which seems to be well managed.

Older DS is a joy but is starting to act out. Probably from the feeling of coming second to a grumpy unhappy baby all the time.

I am increasingly feeling it was massive mistake to have a second child. Our life was lovely before the baby came. Everyone told me it would get easier once baby was about 16 weeks and if anything it’s just getting harder. I cannot express how absolutely tired I am of listeNing to a crying baby from one end of the day to the other.

Has anyone else felt like this? Does it pass?

My second is 8 weeks old and a much more intense baby than my DD was. I too am finding the constantly screaming baby very tough, sending solidarity!

Yes. This was me, last July, when DS was 4 months (DD had just turned 4). I was kicking myself for upending my lovely easy life with 1 DC who was past the nappies/napping stage. I felt so depressed I lost a stone and spent most of the day in a tense state of exhaustion and detachment. DS screamed a lot at that stage, didn’t seem to like anything and barely slept.

It lasted until he was about 8 months, was eating a couple of meals a day and sleeping longer stretches. He’s now 10 months and SO much better - relaxed, happy, a smily and contented baby. He sleeps for about 11 hours a night usually waking once for a quick feed.

I feel much better, not depressed, and starting to enjoy having 2. I felt so frustrated when everyone said ‘give it time’ but that’s what needed to happen.

Earplugs OP.
And don't be afraid to leave him be for 5 minutes even if he's screaming, just to get over the overwhelm.

Op, i don’t know how you are doing it.

I have a 3 year old and a 2 month old velcro baby, and i am finding it hard enough with my 3 year old going to nursery.

Are you able to send your 2 year old to nursery for a bit? X

Silent reflux is a fucker and even when "managed" often leads to babies who are generally uncomfortable and unhappy until it resolves.

I was lucky in that I had my silent reflux/other feeding problems baby first. It did get easier - and sometimes you'd see a change overnight, and you'd be in a new, easier phase. I found when he was old enough to sit up in the pushchair a major breakthrough as he could look at more stuff, more comfortably. And then as he got more mobile (sitting up, able to go in the bounceroo contraption and play with more toys) he was also a lot happier, partly I think because he was bored and partly I suspect because he could get himself into more comfortable positions for his digestion.

I remember those days all too clearly when the end of the week seemed achingly far away so people talking about months away sounded like insensitive fools. But it will get better, and with luck your boys will mature into a lovely relationship together. I'm currently sitting enjoying a coffee at the side of a sunny rec while my two kick a football around and the eldest coaches the youngest ahead of football trials at the weekend. You'll get there. But it's totally ok to hate this part.

It's really really hard work and terrible for mental health at the time. And then in a few years you'll be nostalgic for when they were all cute and squishy. Well that's all been my experience. Even though there's still a fair amount of work in parenting when they're bigger that first year with a baby and toddler is excruciatingly exhausting. Hang on in there, getting out of the nappy stages and to nursery free hours and them being able to play together, and eventually no buggy and both at school- there's so many lovely milestones to come. Take any and every support and friendship to get you out of the house and fill the hours that you can find to get you through this stage, it won't be like this forever even though it feels like it at the time.

Thanks for all the supportive replies.

To answer a few questions. Im in Ireland, DS will be eligible for free nursery hours in September. He will hopefully attend a summer camp for the nursery in July so that will give some breathing space for him. I adore my 2 year old and hate that he life has been turned upside down. I feel sad for him that he has to listen to screaming all day. I miss being able to play with him properly.

Baby does seem somewhat happier sitting up, he will stay in the trip trap for 7-10 mins (he is still too small for it really so short stint only). He wants to be held all the time though I’m so exhausted. I can’t even sit down or he kicks off it has to be standing up.

I’ve left him in his cot for 5-10 mins to just breath for a moment for he will scream and screech making it impossible to find a moments peace.

I’ve spent the last hour crying from the total overwhelm of it all. If I had known how hard DS was going to be I would not have gone ahead and had another child. I feel terrible for saying that but he is exceptionally difficult, it feels like he doesn’t even like me.

I had this age gap and it's brutal. Honestly, antidepressants helped. Also getting someone to take the baby away for an hour.

For My reflux baby there was a huge turning point when he could sit up. Before that the floor or a bouncer just didn’t put him into a position that he could get comfortable in. I know jumperoos are highly frowned upon but once he was big enough it gave me a 10 minute break. It was tough going at the time.
My reflux baby is now 2 and honestly is an absolute pleasure the majority of the time.

Brutal is absolutely how would describe it.

DH works very long hours and is currently abroad so it’s very tough going. My DM does help but it’s only occasionally and mostly we go to her, all three.

I have advertised for a nanny/in home help but to no avail. We are in an area that has a childcare crisis, crèche waiting lists are 2years plus and very few child minders.

Think the problems here are the reflux (rough) and your H’s absence / prioritising work.

Similar age gap and one ds like yours, here, op. It's so hard, but if it's any help, when my whiney one turned the corner at about 11 months, he was an absolute joy. And tbh, has been ever since.

At this stage though, the only peace I got was in the car or taking him swimming. If you can get to a pool, it's worth a try. X

Yes my H worked long hours too but if he'd gone abroad (even if he had no choice) I think I would have poisoned his tea when he got back.

Are you going to toddler groups etc? Sometimes if you find the right one you meet someone else with a grizzly baby and a 2 yr old and can swap occasionally. Also at least you can have a moan if nothing else.

I must also say that mine are teenagers now and once we worked through the stage you're in - once the littlest could sit unaided I think - I have been grateful for the small gap ever since. They are best mates (apart from when they're not, but even then you can get them out of it by getting them to gang up against you).

Sending hugs OP, I can empathise completely my DS2 was just as you described, it was a really, really tough time, and the reason a 3rd was totally out of the question! No way could I have gone through that again. It was such a shock as DS1 was an absolute joy, very calm baby. My late MIL was an angel and helped us so much. My son did grow out of it by 7mths, it will get easier, you are getting there, you are doing a good job. My two are adults now DS1 is still very chilled, DS2 much more lively and still noisy! Good luck

DH is the main bread winner. He has a tough job. He doesn’t want to be away any more than I do. When he WFH he takes both boys in the mornings and does his best to make time to take the toddler out during the day on weekdays he’s home.

I can’t really go to toddler groups atm because the frequency and intensity of the crying would mean we would have to leave and I would be unable to monitor toddlers interactions properly with dealing with the grumpy baby. We used to go to play groups and I really miss them.

Every nice thing about our lives is gone since baby arrived screaming on the scene. It’s been 20 weeks of non stop crying. If he was my first child I would never go again.

I went back to work pt at this point and used nursery for both. Similar age gap. Absolutely saved me.
Twenty years on and never a single regret.

Yes I appreciate this isn't DH 's fault. I was telling you how I felt at the time, even if it was unfair.

I would get in touch with Home start and see if they have any volunteers who can come and help you. It is natural to find life difficult with a small baby and a toddler. I know how lonely and difficult it is. I do think you have probably got a touch of pnd too op, probably as a result of all the crying, and a trip to the GP might help with that.

I am going back part time in October. I would go back sooner but there are zero (and I mean zero) crèche places in my locality until babies are 1. Then there is a waiting list for 2 years for the place that becomes available at 12m. I am hoping we will be able to secure a nanny.

I have explained to DM/DH that this is the most difficult job I have ever had. What other job involves 24 hour on call and what can only be described as noise torture all day every day. I would actually gladly go back to work which makes me awful to say.

In a couple of years they will be playing together so happily (probably fighting a small bit too, lets be realistic). For most people a sibling is a gift. They are close in age and will grow up together.
It'll be lovely OP. This is just a tough phase 💐

Also, I found a sling/baby carrier very helpful once I had more than one.

Apologies, I misread your message- trying to read and bounce a crying baby in my arms.

Unfortunately in Ireland we don’t have any charity like homestart. I have spoken to my nurse and GP and they say some babies are hard work and it will get better with time.

Im usually able to cope but DS has in the last week, started waking frequently in the night so I’m exhausted more than usual and I have the added stress of DH being away.

Baby is rejecting slings, I’ve tried two different types but no joy. I’m hoping to try a third (ring sling) soon and maybe that will help.

It sounds very hard. The only other advice I can give is to get outside as much as possible, because the crying seems quieter without walls to bounce off.

And lean more heavily on your mum. As much as she will let you. It is only a short time (though feels endless I'm sure).

4 months is an incredibly difficult time with a reflux baby. It sounds like the reflux managed isn't quite optimised at the moment do go back and get regular reviews as treatment is very weight dependent especially if the dose isn't quite right. My GP had my daughter on a moderate dose of omperazole but it turned out she needed a high dose. The moderate dose was ok for a week or so but then we were waiting on the HV review every 2 weeks to get her weigh and the dose weight adjusted. Once we got to the higher dose we had longer term stability.

My daughter also has allergies in addition to reflux and her allergies made her reflux worse. We had a big improvement by me going dairy and soya free. At the point of taking them out of my diet the only signs where screaming 16-20h a day and the reflux although other symptoms later came to light.

At 4 months with my daughter I was nearly admitted into a mother and baby unit and was looking up how to put her up for adoption. I have never experienced so much torture in my life before and I have done a PhD with a bully for a supervisor than I did during those long days when all she did was cry scream and grumble. Making a cup of tea involved picking her up and putting her down 6 times. Same with going to the loo. Put her down to undo my trousers. Sit down pick her up do my business put her down clean up pull up trousers. Wash hands pick her up.

I did CFT and learnt about the threat drive and soothe system and learnt how babies crying kept me almost exclusively in the threat mode and any time I wasn't I was in drive move desperately trying to reduce her crying by nanoseconds if I could. I absolutely couldn't have gone to the toilet without taking her with me and repeatedly picking her up as every second of her crying sent me further and further into despair and close to suicidal thoughts.

I did have very extreme depression and did eventually end up in a mother and baby unit to treat it. It took a year and a half of therapy to work through the difficulty brought up through my daughter and her silent reflux. I definitely felt like I made a terrible mistake. She's 3.5 now, still very much living with reflux with brings it's challenges. Her crying or other babies crying send me straight back to my threat zone but 3 years on we are finally in a position to scope out whether a second is a viable option. Even the most difficult wounds heal with time and care.

CFT is compassion focussed therapy and is the gold standard for pnd but is also beneficial for all new mums whether they have 1, 2 or 22. My course with the perinatal team followed the book by Michelle Cree