Feeling regret over having a second child

[NewMomma21]

Hi everyone,

Hoping for some support or maybe reassurance that it gets better.

I am currently at home FT with a 2 year DS and 4.5 m DS.

Younger DS is a very difficult baby. He cries a lot and very intensely. He fights every single nap, screeching relentlessly until picked up. He does like being left in any place that is not my arms, won’t play on a mat longer than 5 mins, same for sling, bouncer etc. He is on medication for silent reflux which seems to be well managed.

Older DS is a joy but is starting to act out. Probably from the feeling of coming second to a grumpy unhappy baby all the time.

I am increasingly feeling it was massive mistake to have a second child. Our life was lovely before the baby came. Everyone told me it would get easier once baby was about 16 weeks and if anything it’s just getting harder. I cannot express how absolutely tired I am of listeNing to a crying baby from one end of the day to the other.

Has anyone else felt like this? Does it pass?

It passes. Honestly. Have you tried a wrap? My DS was a velcro baby and you didn't have a chance of a loo break, leave alone anything else

Wearing him helped me to actually get something done, even just a wee

The Ergo360 was the only one we all really got on with, if you've not tried it. I had a ring but DS1 needed a more upright position.

The ergo also worked best for me. It is hugely difficult I know.

Sending support OP! The transition to two is difficult in ways I hadn’t imagined (3 year old and 4 month old- but my previously sweet 3 year old is an acting like a menace whilst the baby isn’t too bad).

The days when I have both kids and the baby is crying are just so hard. I find baby sleeps best outside and the crying is less noisy. I’ve stopped caring about what other parents think at the park etc when baby is wailing but I’ve met her needs. I also got noice cancelling earbuds to listen to podcasts so my mind focuses on other things, and the little ones which reduce noise to calm the mind- can’t remember the name right now!

Hope you manage to combine naps and take the first 15 mins of peace just for yourself xxx

My son was a screamer if we put him down. What I wish I'd listened to in retrospect, because I nearly lost my mind with it all, was that they don't die if you put them down abd they cry for a bit. I'm not advocating cry it out, rather it's fine to put them in their cot so you can go for a poo. I felt utterly trapped by the screaming. But it gets better until its a distant memory

I can’t believe I’ve finally found someone who feels exactly the same way I feel. My family and I have been miserable since I had my daughter. She is 1 next month and all she has done since she was born, from the minute she wakes up to the minute she goes to sleep she is crying. It’s obviously not constant because she has to eat, play, bathe etc, and when she’s doing those things she’s fine — if we go out she is good as gold but who wants to be out every single day? Sometimes you want to relax at home but you can’t! I feel more sorry for my son, her crying keeps him up at night and he has school in the mornings. When he gets home from school he should be coming home to relax and unwind but instead he’s greeted with loud cries. I feel hopeless and this is not like me at all. My son was completely the opposite to my daughter — he was the perfect baby and still is the perfect 9YO. I just don’t know what to do. I have no help from family either and even when I have had help, she won’t settle with them, she will cry in anyone else’s arms but mine.

How are you getting on with your little ones now OP? I have a 4 year old and 4 month old here and much the same. My first was a dream and sleeping through most nights by now.
my partner works away so it’s mostly just us 3.
we lived in a beautiful flat and relocated nearer family. I miss our old flat and old life tbh. I have similar feelings to what you described. Baby just wants to be held for sleep. I’m not sleeping much at night. Feel guilt for my 4 year old and telling her I can’t play as I’m seeing to baby. And I feel guilt for feeling this way.

scouring the Internet in the early hours for answers… sleep training? Riding it out? Am I making a rod for my own back holding and rocking him to sleep? … 😭

Hi there,

So sorry to hear you’re having a hard time. It sounds like such a lot to have moved from a place you loved too. Have you much support from family? My DH works away a lot so I totally understand how difficult that can be.

My DS is now 2. He quite honestly cried almost incessantly for the first year maybe even 18m. He was an exceptionally difficult infant&baby. He improved gradually, once he got talking and moving independently he was much better. That being said he still cries far more than typical and I’ve come to accept that it is just his temperament In very plain terms he is very moany and there’s nothing I can do to change that. Like your DC he prefered being in my arms at all times and even now can be like that from time to time.

On the flip side of all of this DS is exceptionally bright. He was an early talker and astounds us every day with his language skills. He has been counting since about 16 months etc etc. We met a GP early on in his life who said in her experience very high needs baby’s can go on to be extremely intelligent and this seems to be the case for us. He absolutely hated being a baby and is much happier as a toddler with autonomy and communication skills

My advice having had a very high needs baby’s would be to take any help or break that is offfered to you. Get out as much as you can - my DS was always much happier out in park, in bad weather we would go for a walk around the large Tesco near us. Let go of any expectations of things getting much easier in the short term, I found the disappointment of things not changing by x month really hard. Sometimes the only break I got was in the shower so I always had a nice shower gel so that 10 mins was something I could look forward to. I also listened to lots of audio books on AirPods to someway block out the almost constant crying. I also got a weighted blanket which was really helpful when my nervous system was frazzled from the constant stress. I hope some of these suggestions might be helpful to you. You have my utmost sympathy, the first year of DCs life eas frankly very traumatic.