11 year old worries about needing the toilet

[LowMaintenance101]

I'm hoping for some advice.
My 11 year old daughter has always been quite sensitive and a bit of a worrier.
Lately this has been mostly centered around worrying about the toilet.
If we are going out somewhere, she will always go to the toilet before we set off, which is fine, but will always ask if there is going to be a toilet wherever we are going. If we don't set off straight away for some reason, she will go again before we leave.
When we went to look around secondary schools, she was fixated on how many toilets there were. And when we got home, most of her questions were centered around what would happen if she needed to go to the toilet during lesson time.
She has been going to the toilet multiple times after going to bed, before going to sleep.
She has still been up when we go to bed, between 10.30 and 11pm.
I have spoken to her about it and she says she is worried about having a accident in bed, and as soon as she is close to dropping off, she will panic and feel like she needs to go the toilet again.
Last night, she was on the toilet when my husband came in from work (around 10.15pm), so he went up to say goodnight. He then went out to take the dog on his last walk around the block and was gone about 10 minutes. When he came back, she was on the toilet again.
Apart from asking about toilets when go somewhere, this isn't so much of an issue during the day.
When we go on holiday, she doesn't do this, so I am sure it is not a physical problem.
We have talked to her about it on a few occassions and I don't know what else we can say to her?
She's never had a problem with bedwetting, so it's not linked to a previous issue. I feel like it's a bad habit that is getting worse. And a symptom of general worrying/ anxiety.

Year 6 has been a real culture shock for her. Up to now she has always loved school, but there is soooooo much pressure around SATS this year, and she is definitely feeling it.

This was me growing up, and looking back I can see it was more about a lack of control. As an adult if I need the toilet at work I get up and go. If I need the toilet when I’m out then I go and find one. As a child you’re stuck relying on a teacher “allowing” you to go, or hoping your parents will stop at service stations when you’re out, etc. It’s not something you can control yourself, and if she’s a worrier in general then this will make it worse.

Its great that she feels able to talk to you about it. From my experience the best thing you can do is reassure her, and take actions to make sure your reassurance is true. Tell her teachers will allow her to go, and then make sure this is true - speak to the doctor and get a note to get a toilet pass from the school etc. Chances are that knowing she has this will make her less anxious and be enough to make her not need to use it.

Same with her fears about bed wetting. I’d put a continence sheet on the bed and tell her it doesn’t matter if she wets the bed - nothing will get ruined and no one will think she’s a baby. If she’s less anxious about the consequences of “what if I have an accident” then she’s less likely to worry about it, and fall asleep easier, and realise in the morning she had nothing to worry about in the first place as the bed is dry.

I know it might sound like pandering to an irrational anxiety, but knowing that these things are in place will stop her worrying as much, and this will stop her anxiety telling her she needs the toilet, and over time she’ll realise “actually, I haven’t needed to use any of these things” and it should make it easier to phase them out.

This was me growing up too. I remember once I went on a coach day out with my mum and was so worried that I might need a wee on the way back that she had to give me a sanitary pad to wear, I was literally crying about getting back on the coach. I didn't wet myself in the end (so it wasn't a physical issue) and the reassurance of having something to contain it calmed me down - so it was truly in my head.
I actually never had an accident that I can recall, so it was unfounded worry (I have always been a bit of a worrier). I was checked lots of times by drs for physical issues but never anything found. I grew out of it in the end. I wonder if therapy would have helped, to help deal with obsessive worrying - maybe something to think about for your DD?

Thank you both so much for the replies. A lot of her worries, I can relate to as I remember them from my childhood, but this has had me stumped.
It helps to hear that you can both recall having similar worries and have come through it. The practical tips are, great thanks!

I had this too growing up. I was an anxious child and I also had some OCD. I desperately wanted some control over it. With regards to her worrying when she’s out, you could always offer her a sanitary towel like another PP mentioned, to see if that might ease her worries a bit.

Me too! Used to have 3rd 4th and 5,th wee before leaving the house. It used to stress me to the point where I'd not drink anything in the morning before starting on a journey/ travel etc. I used to try to squeeze out a wee at any given opportunity for worry id be stuck somewhere needing one. School toilets was another one because apparently as a society we would rather restrict our children toileting habits than think of a better way to deal with the ones who do abuse bathroom time. I remember telling my teacher for the 5th week in a row I had a bladder infection just to be allowed to go. I too was quite an anxious/ worrying child. I couldn't be more different as an adult, don't know how why or when it change but it did. I think all you can give her is support and time to see that the eventualities she has thought up in her head won't actually come true.

Me too! Looking back it was a really obvious sign of generalized anxiety. Can she access therapy for support and skills to manage her anxiety?

I could have written this about my daughter. We have found that she has a really sensitive bladder to certain types of drinks - especially fizzy one, or ones that have artificial ingredients in. So she tends to stick to water and that helps a lot. We have also started to have a bedtime routine whereby once she is in bed and I am saying goodnight, I will remind her to go to the toilet again (which she does), then I get her to walk back to the loo and try again (so that she ‘double voids’ straight before bedtime.

Also, reducing the amount she drinks in the evening (no big drinks before bed). And as an aside, less salty / processed food, as that makes her thirstier. This is starting to help with her anxieties around the toilet - but we found that avoiding the chemicals etc in fizzy drinks, or squash, was a game changer. In the past, we have had occasions where on a long car journey I had bought bottles of coke for everyone - which resulted in us having to stop every 5 minutes at a service station, and her siblings were getting very angry with her. I think it is this kind of thing that fuels the anxiety, so cutting it out will help.

And, Yes - other anxiety can contribute to this as well. It is worth saying to her that the SATs are only for the school to be measured to see how they are doing, rather than the individual child. (Ultimately, most secondary schools do their own baseline testing when they get into yr 7 anyway). So trying to tease out what is making her anxious (and addressing that) may help. Good luck!

She might be genetically created with a very small bladder. I am like that and was from a child. I never worry about going to the toilet , I just go. Anytime ( well actually my daughter also but she is better than me), anytime I have a cup of tea or full portion drink - 250 ml, I start immediately having the horrible nudge to go to the toilet every few min until the whole thing is flushed out. If I drink a cup of tea around 7 pm or later, I do the same as your daughter. It is just very pressing physical need that we must go. I am not worried for anything, I bloody have the urge to go and I know all the toilets in town, all the little hidden away toilets, in churches, pubs, even cemeteries !!!

I do not have any urine infection nor ever had, and have checked my daughter also.

It is what it is, good she wants to know where the toilets are. She is self aware girl.

So, encourage her to drink small sips of liquid and not very large amount of drinks before bed time.

How are you about the same topic?

I only ask as I can be a bit like your daughter. Need to go before I leave. If I don't leave immediately I have to go again. Sat at the cinema, doesn't matter if I went 10 mins before, I have to go before the film starts. It's fully in my head. I know that. I've never had an accident, but once the bead is in my brain I can't stop it until I actually go to the toilet.

I realised when on holiday back in Jan 23, my daughter was the same but getting way more anxiety about it. I've had to really focus on being more logical about it so she can mirror me, and it's eased it for her too.

Her starting periods and the teachers being understanding about toilet breaks have helped a lot too.

Ive had to train myself not to do it, and it's bloody hard as an adult, so I think for children it's even harder.

I’d be really interested to find out whether you think that different types of drinks may trigger this for you? Caffeine is also a bit of a diuretic, so I wonder if you tried just drinking water (nothing else) for a few days whether the bladder urgency would reduce? It does seem to be a real factor in my daughter’s case - and the time when she had coke and it was literally every five minutes for a couple of hours (on a motorway journey) really brought it home to us. But she has really got on board with it in a very mature way - she is only 10, and will just ask for tap water in restaurants, even when her siblings are having those bottomless soft drink top-ups (and even if we ask her if she wants something else).

Thank you for replying.
I do feel like it's a head thing, rather than a physical problem.
She doesn't generally have fizzy drinks, and has been drinking less juice since she got a AirUp for her Birthday, but I think this might be an avenue we could go down - talk to her about practical things we an do before bed to help her relax. So only water (no AirUp) after a certain time, etc.
We have talked to her quite a bit about the SATS being just for the school etc and she seemed to take it on board. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of attending the school talk about the tests and had to take her with me as I didn't have any childcare, and it was all very serious. I definitley think that had an impact.

Thank you. She has been told by older children about not being allowed to go to the toilet at secondary school and this has definitely got in her head.
I think I will look into getting a doctor's note so that they will let her go if she needs to - that might be a way of taking the worry out of the situation.
It is crazy how schools don't seem to be allowed to deal with kids on a case by case basis these days.

I think we may have to look at this. I have a friend who works in a role centered around children's wellbeing, so I think she might be able to point us in the right direction.

I have experienced this myself at between 11-13 years old. I was generally a very anxious child and my fixation on worrying about toileting began when I wet myself in year 7. I became incredibly panicky during lessons thinking that I might wet myself. I started asking to go to the toilet several times in a lesson and I would go to the toilet between each lesson. If we were going somewhere new I’d ask how many toilets there would be and I’d plan in my mind when I’d be able to escape to go to the toilet. You can imagine the rumours that spread about me at school! My mum was aware of my worries and tried talking to me a bit but I don’t think she knew what to do. I grew out of this particular worry and became fixated on the next thing (for me, OCD and disordered eating). I do wish my mum had taken me to a doctor or sought therapy. I don’t say these things to worry you but it does sound like some kind of general anxiety so I would urge you to take your daughter to a GP. I know how debilitating those worries can be.

the best of luck xx

I was saying to my husband the other night that this has definitely come from me. I just need to figure out how to reverse engineer it!
I tend to worry about things too.
I often think that if her Dad had been her main carer growing up, she would be a much more chilled out kid.

Thank you so much for replying. This is my concern, really. It seems like a fairly small thing in isolation, but I would hate to look back and see I could have done things differently.

Disordered eating is a huge worry these days, and must be a nightmare for the person and their families.

My daughter has had similar symptoms as part of OCD.
The right therapy is very helpful with this.
In the meantime my advise would be to gently support your daughter in not “giving in” to the anxiety.
Distraction and encouragement that whilst it’s really difficult she can do it.
Going to the toilet every time she feels worried she’s going to wet herself reinforces the anxiety and the behaviour ( as does using sanitary towels etc, although that’s perfectly understandable and natural response as a parent )
Its a fine balance and needs to be done a slow , manageable way such as trying to hold off for a few seconds , very slowly building up etc.
The idea is that over time she will see that she doesn’t wet herself.
Its certainly not easy but professional help definitely helps.

This is me. It started in my teens. At exam time, I have to go right before we go in and it stresses me out. If we're going somewhere and I've been but there's a delay in leaving I have to go. Its a combination of anxiety and also the sensation of needing to go even when I don't or I've just been. I think sometimes urine sticks in my urethra.
Nights were bad, bed time would stress me out. So I switched to cloth sanitary towels and started wearning them even when not on my period. If I leaked then it would be caught (I've never leaked, but knowing I had protection made a huge difference. Sometimes when its really bad, I tell myself that I've just been, I shouldn't need to go again, and if I leak I'm wearing protection and its ok.
I've also been seen by urology after a holiday where I was genuinely going for a wee every 5 mins (with good volumes passed each time). They did bladder scans which were reassuring and prescribed me tolteridine, which I take when its bad. But I was an adult when I went to urology.
Reassurance, reassurance reassurance. Let her go to the toilet when she wants, get her a loo pass for school (often knowing you can go means you don't need to). Plot out loos in advance of going places. And let her know that if she does have an accident its ok. Put a waterproof protector on under her sheets and show her where the clean sheets are (even put a set in the corner of her wardrobe). Let her put a change of clothes to live in a corner of the car boot, for her to never think about again. If you plan for the just in cases then they probably won't be needed, but she'll feel better. For her knowing that if the worst happens (she has an accident) that its OK and not a big deal, then that will help massively.

Thank you all so much for your replies.
I spent a fair but of time on Google looking for strategies to help her, but tye search terms I was using were just bringing up articles on bedwetting and physical, bladder problems.

I need the toilet all the time too . It starred when I was about 10 . In hindsight, I think it is down to anxiety, and then it became a habit.
I have my coping strategies.

I also think some people do get a bit urine retained due to their anatomy, so there is always another bit left that doesn't come our the first time .

So sorry to hear your daughter is going through this.

I wonder whether she’s had, or nearly had an accident at some point which is causing her to worry about ending up in that position again if she can’t get to the toilet when she needs to?

My DN is a bit younger, in Y5 and just recently turned 10. She did have an accident a few months back in school when she was staying with me, totally out of the blue and the first time it had happened since she was really small. It was just a one off, but has really shaken her confidence and since then she’s been the same with fretting about going all the time. It’s been getting better as time has gone on and she seems to be starting to trust herself again, but still panics a bit if there’s no loo close by even if she doesn’t need to go.

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who replied to this post. I spoke to my daughter about the double void strategy (mentioned by Stoufer) - and so far it seems to be working.
Can't thank you all enough

Hi - sorry I can see this is an old post but you have perfectly described my 11 year old son, year 6 leaver! I just wondered if you have found any solutions? I do think it is some form of anxiety x

Hi @fabsim. The reply I received from @stoufer was the most helpful for my daughter. I spoke to her and explained that sometime ls when we go to the toilet, it doesn't all come out, so if she goes a second time, that is all that's needed to make sure she's definitely empty. We did notice a return to the behavior during SATS, but definitely not as bad. And she dropped back to only going twice once the tests were over.
I hope this is helpful for your son - it really turned things around for my DD.

Thank you, I will give it a go. Yes we noticed an increase during SATs I'm hoping when school is finished this week that also helps! Thanks again