Very sensitive son.. or something else ?

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Hi all,
I need some advice if anyone has any.
My son is 5 in March, he’s bright, empathetic, creative, inquisitive, funny. (He really is these things, I’m not being biased!), but he’s sooo sensitive and I panic he will lose friends or struggle to make friends.
I do question whether he’s on the spectrum but when I look at signs, he doesn’t have the majority and seems to fall under the “highly sensitive child” umbrella. He hates loud noises, (but fine if he’s making the loud noises and he wants drums for his birthday), hates big groups, but got two best friends who he adores and will play with others in school (no issues in school at all, he’s the model pupil). He likes familiarity and once he’s comfortable he’s generally good to go.
He is getting more confident (no tears and loads of smiles in the last school Christmas play, but tears in nursery), but the last class party we went to, he sobbed so much I had to bring him home when food was served because he just wanted to keep on playing. He hates shouting unless it’s playful/pretend fighting/monsters etc.
I know he is spoilt (his sister died a few years before he was born, so we do spoil him and wrap him up in cotton wool)
If you have got this far, (thank you), my question is, does this sound like a sensitive child or are there other factors in play.
If you had a sensitive child, how did it pan out?
I find it hard to navigate, and when he’s crying or super uncomfortable I feel like the worst parent on Earth, but I do appreciate at his age, his feelings are still huge.

OP I’m so sorry for your loss💐that’s awful. I would want to wrap him up in cotton wool as well! Both my DS’ are exactly the same. Very quiet in company (definitely not at home!), intelligent, very shy and do not like boisterous behaviour. They both have their little friendship groups and mix with a few others. I encourage any play dates or clubs they may want to do but don’t push them into anything. If they’re happy enough playing with each other or by themselves at home then so be it. I’ve spoken to their teachers and asked they encourage mixing with others and trying new things as well. They’re only 5 & 8 so loads of time to come out of their shells!

@FatherJoseFernandez thank you.
I just feel sad when he’s crying in front of his class mates and they’re looking at him like they don’t know how to deal with him.
The same with him, he doesn’t like boisterous behaviour. I can already tell he’s not going to be “one of the lads” if that makes sense, but also finding this hard to navigate. If he’s just very sensitive that’s fine, not everyone is an extrovert but I just don’t know whether this is something he’ll grow out of, or whether it’s because of another issue.
You’re right, 5 is young (and 8 is).
Parenting! 😩

He's very very young. I'd expect children that age to cry about all kinds of different things, and what you describe is totally within the bounds of normal. I don't see anything in your post to indicate he is "spoilt" so I wonder why you feel that way?

My eldest is an intelligent, calm boy who didn't enjoy football or boisterous behaviour. Rather than "grow out of it", he has found his place as the other children grew up, and certainly at secondary with a much wider range of children to interact with.

I was very much like this as a child and I think the most important thing you can do is fully accept him for who he is and make him feel OK about that while also gently encouraging him and helping him learn how to regulate himself. I have two dc, one who is more sensitive and one is boisterous with no fear. I actually find him more difficult to parent in some ways right now and would probably find a quieter, more reflective boy easier!

@fedupandstuck @Pantheon thank you both.

Oh I know he’s spoilt .. I can just tell but as I said I have my reasons and that’s the way it is. I’ve also been told he’s spoilt by friends (the type of friends where we are honest, no offence taken) as we’re out with the kids and I’ll get him a toy from every machine kind of thing whereas she has 4 kids and can’t afford it so doesn’t, but she seems him getting what he wants. He does have me and his dad wrapped around his little finger.

Both your posts are super helpful so thank you. Having him “grow out of it” it probably the wrong way to look at it. He is what he is. I just feel like im failing when he’s having a little meltdown.

He’s home from school now, in a lovely mood, had the best day, and all is well.. for now!

Meltdowns, doesn't like loud noises, very sensitive, doesn't like big groups and likes familiarity. To me that is ticking a lot of boxes for ASD. If it is that though then it's going to be what would previously have been called Aspergers syndrome and because he is obviously high functioning and not a problem at school it's going to be harder to get him assessed. At this age as he is no problem at school a diagnosis is unlikely to have much impact, as he gets older though and gets to secondary age that is when the difference in emotional maturity is likely to become more marked and if he is autistic it will probably become more obvious.

Mine was like yours - except the sensitive bit - and I put everything down to his age. He didn't get diagnosed until secondary age, his teachers thought he was great - he's quiet, well behaved and very bright - it was only that one went on a course and then just had an inkling that turned out to be correct. So I would wait and see how he goes but keep a note of everything you've noticed as it will be really useful if he does come to be assessed.

I'm a bit shocked if you mean that you buy your son a toy out of every machine while your friend that can't afford to do the same has to stand by and watch with her kids. If that's the case then I think you sound awful! Why not just buy one toy for your son and one each for her kids if you feel you have to buy him something? I'm surprised you have any friends! Hopefully I've misunderstood.

@itsmyp4rty yes you’ve misunderstood, she doesn’t have 4 kids with her, one is 23 and one is 18, but she has 4 kids so doesn’t have spare cash to get them everything they want. I have one, now, so do have the cash to get him what he wants. I always get her kids a toy as well. When we go places I will always drive, never ask for any contribution. I spent most of last summer driving us around, and I don’t care, her youngest and my son get on really well. She is just one of my friends, I’ve got a good few others, and none of them have ever said I am horrible.
I did have my son later, so most of my friends have kids 16+
Shame I had to explain that, or be called horrible. But she does say he’s spoilt. He doesn’t act like a brat, but was explaining that in the context is that why he’s so sensitive

Thank you @itsmyp4rty it’s what I was thinking, he ticks some boxes but not others and I’m wondering if he’s masking. Just wondering a lot of things, and not sure where to go because his teachers and no one else seems to think there is an issue and putting it down to his age

Have you looked up the highly sensitive child - dr Elaine Aron ?
I wouldn't be thinking about ASD at this stage especially if he's functioning well in life generally which it sounds like he is / his social communication skills are okay, if he's sensitive that doesn't necessarily mean there is anything else going on (although there are sensory factors associated with ASD, there are also 'neurotypical' people who are highly sensitive)

It is hard not to compare to easy going children and things can take on that added challenge when you've got a child who's naturally sensitive (I have one too!) I try to remind myself sensitivity can also be a huge strength. You say he's empathetic too what an amazing quality to have, he sounds lovely

No I haven’t @pamplemoussee but I will, thank you.
He is incredible! He has his moments like all kids his age, but he’s so loving, talks about his sister lots, wants to know about her, hugs me when I cry, he’s so in tune with others emotions. But he seems to feel ALL the emotions, all the time. His speech has always been amazing, no trouble in saying what he feels. Just the sensitivity is worrying me and also making me feel like I’m failing him somehow

He sounds just like my little boy

You're obviously not failing him at all as he sounds amazing!!

hsperson.com/books/the-highly-sensitive-child/ this website is good it's by the lady who wrote the book

@pamplemoussee ill be ordering the book but even a quick read of that website… that’s my son!

Dr. Becky Kennedy would describe him as a 'DFK' (Deeply Feeling Kid). I've been finding her parenting resource Good Inside really useful for my DS (8) and wish I'd found it/ it had existed when he was younger.

And yy to pp who says just accept him for who he is - don't make him feel like there's something wrong with him for having big feelings. But also put some boundaries in place. Big feelings + no boundaries can be scary for a kid.

@Flockameanie thank you x

Yep you could be describing our child, we ended up at the GP she said there are no red flags at this stage but he sounds very much like an explosive/sensitive/etc child and recommended some books.
If you're in doubt a GP visit is well recommended, but I think plenty of talk about emotions and validation, and go at your child's speed in general.
It's normal to worry about these things, and if your child is sensitive, you're likely to also be sensitive.
Just don't let yours turn in to anxiety (and theirs too)

From a very young age my son hated things like mother & toddler groups. He used to run off into the corner when the musical instruments came out & everyone started singing. And when there were birthday parties he put his hands over his ears when people started with “Happy Birthday to you…” I was mortified & feared for his emotional development, his ability to make friends & all round intellect. What I am saying is… You are not alone. He is highly sensitive - and I mean that in the sense that his senses are highly attuned to the world around him - vision, touch, smell, observation. We call it his superpower. DO NOT make your son IN ANY WAY feel inadequate or as if he is does not live up to some goal or expectation you have. He will sense this & feel he has failed you. The one thing that matters above all else is that you must back him, NO MATTER WHAT, and then he will have the strength to be the best version of himself. My son, like yours, is totally fabulous once he feels comfortable in other people’s company - but it takes him time to get there. He is a slow burner. This world revolves around extroverts & for those who take a bit more time it is harder, but believe me the rewards are sooo worth it! My son is 15 now & 6ft tall. He is magnificent & I adore him!!!

I think about 20% of the population are according to Aron's book above.
Without HSP's there would be no artists, musicians, writers or therapists. Your child sounds wonderful!

@johnd2 I think I am sensitive but I hadn’t realised it. I hate being in a room with loads of people talking, and I take a bit of time to warm up to things. I didn’t realise things like this were passed on.
I’ve definitely got major anxiety, but do try not to pass that onto my son

@Waytogoidaho thank you for your post. Your son sounds amazing and your advice is brilliant. Thank you ☺️ I love to think of it as his super power. He’s such a lovely little soul.

@Alicewinn yes you’re right, I hadn’t even thought of that.

your son sounds lovely and you sound lilke a lovely mum.

I agree with a pp that there may be markers for ASD but it is not going to flag up for school at this stage, just worth having at the back of your mind if things do change.

Can I just say though, that helping a child with emotional regulation does include helping them to deal with being told no? So if he always gets what he wants and then with his friends he doesn't, he doesn't have any practise in dealing with that.
If your friends are commenting on him being spoilt, I think it might help to think in terms of helping him sometimes dealing with not getting what he wants.
It is fine to sometimes say - not today.
Or - I am only getting one thing, you have to choose which one.

Thanks for your comment @steppemum ☺️ it’s something I’ll keep an eye on.
Hes definitely told no, and will have a mega cry at it, but we pick our battles if you see what I mean. I don’t care about getting him a few £1 toys from those machines, but if he wants to stay on his tablet for ages that’s a no, especially before bed time. A lot of the time he’s “ok then” but if he’s tired, we get the normal tears and it’s not fair etc.
It hasn’t helped that he seems ill all the time- we all had Covid, and then he had a viral infection and his class is just full of germs

Sounds like a normal child to me.

Thanks for your comment @Emma8924