Angry, bullying, disruptive 8 year old. Don't know what to do.

[gonepastendoftether]

Evening,

I have a DS8. He's always had a bit of a short temper, but nothing too awful. The occasional tantrum, occasionally got into trouble at school, but not too serious. Recently, however, he's become an absolute nightmare. I'm living in a nightmare, and I honestly don't see a way out of this. I'm utterly ashamed, on the edge of some sort of breakdown and completely lost.

Family is me, DH, DS11 and DD8, as well as this DS, also 8. Recently, his moods have become so bad that he is becoming unmanageable, both at home and school. At school he has been having regular episodes of lashing out at other children and teachers, throwing things and generally being horrible. At home, when he gets into one of these moods he throws things, refuses to engage, lashes out physically less than at school, but is still capable of doing so at times. He says he hates his dad, but there isn't any real reason for this, I'm sure of it. Before Christmas we were mostly happy. Home is calm, everyone has enough space, there are no financial issues, no relationship problems between me and DH. His academic ability is not in question at all. We've always taught the importance of good behaviour, and his siblings are nothing like him.

Undiagnosed SEN? Maybe, but it's never been mentioned before, and on reading the literature the school sent, I'm not convinced it's this. Physically the only change is he recently went vegetarian. Could there be something missing from his diet that is causing this, although he does eat pretty well.

I'm utterly ashamed of myself that I've failed as a mother. His poor teachers and classmates must hate me for the disruption and harm he's causing. I've not gone into full details here, but it's really bad. He has had numerous internal suspension periods, and last week was sent home for a home suspension. How has it come to this? My mental health is rock bottom, and it's affecting my physical health. I'm actually scared of him and now feel like I'm being bullied by him.

But he's my boy. I adore him, and when he's happy he's the loveliest, most affectionate boy ever. I just don't know how it's come to this and can't see a way out. I sometimes feel like leaving the house and not coming back. It's my fault he's this way, I've clearly done something wrong. I just don't know how to fix it. It's only been a month, but it's the worst month of my life.

Sorry this is so long.

Do you think something has happened to him as in some form of abuse, bullying? Has he seen something that has terrified him?

You haven't failed at all. You are doing your best. Something is obviously distressing your son. Getting to the bottom of it is the challenge.

If it's come out of the blue, I would be concerned something had happened.

There’s some event you don’t know about that he is struggling to process.

One suggestion OP - if your son can't verbalise what is going on (because I'll bet something is), will he draw it or write about for you? I did this for one of my children at a similar age and solved it in one sentence. I withdrew them from school the next day.

Bullying is a possibility. There's a boy at school who he's always stayed away from because he's never liked him, but they've been spending time together. He did say last week that some of the nasty things he's done at school lunch break are because "T said I have to do them or he won't be friends with me." I have reported this to the school and they've said they'll investigate.

The only time I seem to have got through to him is when I (without meaning to) just broke down in front of him and said how upset I was and how sad his behaviour was making me. I probably shouldn't have done that, but it's hard to think rationally all the time at the moment.

Maybe there is something really bothering him, or something bad happened, but I'm struggling to think of when it could have happened over recent weeks. I mostly wfh p/t, so I'm around, and I think I'd know if it had been at home. Obviously I'm not around when he's at school, so it could be there.

Does he have access to an iPad or tablet? Could he have seen something there if he does?

He doesn't have access to any tablet or phone, but does have a laptop. However, DH is really hot on only allowing suitable stuff, so unless something has slipped through the net, I don't think it's that. He doesn't use it all that much either.

Maybe I'll try and get him to draw his worries, see if anything comes out.

I've literally just written this to another parent asking about similar but get his iron levels checked. Especially as you've just mentioned he's gone vegetarian. He's probably anaemic and you'd be surprised at how this can impact as child. My son can't control his emotions, overly reactive, fearful etc when his iron drops.

I have thought about the iron thing. When he went vegetarian, I spent a lot of time focusing on the amount of protein, and maybe neglected some of his other needs. He's agreed to (temporarily at least) to go back to eating some meat, so maybe that will help.

Another bad morning today. Meeting with school again about behaviour. He refused to engage with anybody. This is after a positive day yesterday. It seems that any point where I think there's progress, there's several steps backwards.

I don't know what to do. I feel awful. Tired, fidgety, anxious, constant heart palpitations, knotted stomach permanently. I can't physically or mentally cope with the stress. I have such fears for his future. I know in reality it's been a few weeks, but I feel like I'm about to break.

Given the sudden onset have you looked into PANDAS? Might be worth a look to see if it fits.

Sounds so tricky to deal with. Can you manage to find some positives for you and him?

Almost certainly something has happened.

Given that you don't know what it is it probably happened at school.

You need to find out what it was and help him deal with it.

I agree that there's something going on. Difficult to get to the bottom of when he simply won't engage in any conversation about it. He is allowed to use email occasionally, to email relatives abroad, so I've told him that if there's something he wants me to know, but doesn't want to talk about it, he can email it to me. I've also said he can email me to let off steam if he needs to. We've checked his emails. There's nothing in there that's bad.

I'm just really scared I'm going to lose him, one way or another. A few months ago, if a child was poorly behaved, I'd just be wondering why the parents didn't just sort it out. I now realise it's not that simple at all. I'm not able to just sort this out easily.

I've not heard of PANDAS. Going to google now.

If last week he said that "T says I had to do these things or he wouldn't be friends either me" then I think you have a good candidate for your smoking gun.

The school won’t do anything, I’ve been down that road myself. I ended up taking my kid out of school because not only could I not trust them to keep an eye on the bullying, I couldn’t even trust them to give me an accurate report about anything

Out of interest why did he suddenly go vegetarian? That’s interesting to me.

you need to fully engage with the school first of all. From what you e said I think he’s being bullied. Any chance of moving school? Is he safe from potential bullying at home? My bully got me at home and school. Nowhere was safe.

I've long been wary of this other child. They had brief periods of friendship very early on in school, but the behaviour of both of them was not great when they were together, so we suggested to DS that he maybe find other friends. They've not really been friends for the last couple of years, and this other child has barely been mentioned, until recently. DD says that this boy is the "baddest" boy in school. But I'm reluctant to lay the blame with another child. We have told the school about him, and they say they're investigating.

He went vegetarian purely out of loving animals. He's always been an animal lover so although it was quite sudden, it wasn't really surprising.

I think you need to find out as much as possible about this T boy. And talk to his parents.

What is his relationship like with his siblings? Does he talk to them at all? Is your DD his twin (you say they are both 8) and are they at the same school / in the same class?

What if you gave him a magic wand and said he could wish for anything. What would he change, what would he do, what would he magic up or away? Might be a useful exercise to do with him at a time when he is not too stressed to process his thoughts.

Can you pay for a therapist or counsellor? If it has happened very suddenly then it feels more likely that something has happened. He might speak to someone else, or do art, play, lego, animal therapy etc. I wouldn't rule out neurodivergence, but it feels less likely if you have seen no signs of this before.

Sibling relationships pretty much the same as ever. Mostly get on OK, occasional arguments. He can lash out at them (and them at him) but this hasn't got worse. DD is his twin, separate classes, which is nothing new for them. I asked her if she could shed any light on any school difficulties, but no.

Asking him what he'd wish for is an idea. I might try it when he's in a good mood.

I'm keen to do this, DH less so. I've researched counsellors so I can just go straight to it if need be. His frame of mind during a bad time is just so tricky to get past, I'm not sure he'd engage.