Angry, bullying, disruptive 8 year old. Don't know what to do.

[gonepastendoftether]

Evening,

I have a DS8. He's always had a bit of a short temper, but nothing too awful. The occasional tantrum, occasionally got into trouble at school, but not too serious. Recently, however, he's become an absolute nightmare. I'm living in a nightmare, and I honestly don't see a way out of this. I'm utterly ashamed, on the edge of some sort of breakdown and completely lost.

Family is me, DH, DS11 and DD8, as well as this DS, also 8. Recently, his moods have become so bad that he is becoming unmanageable, both at home and school. At school he has been having regular episodes of lashing out at other children and teachers, throwing things and generally being horrible. At home, when he gets into one of these moods he throws things, refuses to engage, lashes out physically less than at school, but is still capable of doing so at times. He says he hates his dad, but there isn't any real reason for this, I'm sure of it. Before Christmas we were mostly happy. Home is calm, everyone has enough space, there are no financial issues, no relationship problems between me and DH. His academic ability is not in question at all. We've always taught the importance of good behaviour, and his siblings are nothing like him.

Undiagnosed SEN? Maybe, but it's never been mentioned before, and on reading the literature the school sent, I'm not convinced it's this. Physically the only change is he recently went vegetarian. Could there be something missing from his diet that is causing this, although he does eat pretty well.

I'm utterly ashamed of myself that I've failed as a mother. His poor teachers and classmates must hate me for the disruption and harm he's causing. I've not gone into full details here, but it's really bad. He has had numerous internal suspension periods, and last week was sent home for a home suspension. How has it come to this? My mental health is rock bottom, and it's affecting my physical health. I'm actually scared of him and now feel like I'm being bullied by him.

But he's my boy. I adore him, and when he's happy he's the loveliest, most affectionate boy ever. I just don't know how it's come to this and can't see a way out. I sometimes feel like leaving the house and not coming back. It's my fault he's this way, I've clearly done something wrong. I just don't know how to fix it. It's only been a month, but it's the worst month of my life.

Sorry this is so long.

Whatever school is doing or trying it’s not working, they need to try harder by the sounds of it. Also it’s very odd that this has started all of a sudden, clearly there is stuff going on in his emotions. School should be exploring this - my daughters school have emotional support people that help etc, also try talking to him about how he’s feeling. Kids hate questions what did you do? Try what made you sad today? What made you happy? Would it make you happy if? My feeling is this is a school issue not a your son issue.

Another suggestion would be to name the feeling you see 'Seems like you're really annoyed today' often gets a response like 'Yes I am annoyed because...' and just repeat what he's saying back to him, empathising. If you think there's a particular person or event you could say 'Seems like...' or some wish fulfillment 'I'll bet you wish that..'

Getting him to draw or play it out is great but a direct suggestion of this maybe be too much, he may not even be able to but a more general drawing or playing may be more helpful.

I'm sure you've tried 'You seem to be having a really hard time lately' when things are well between you, eg bedtime cuddle time. I feel for him, sounds like something is being bottled up.

Ask the Senco if they run ELSA support sessions as a starting point. Otherwise look for a qualified play therapist or paediatric counsellor.

www.trinarice.com/single-post/2020/10/25/neurodiversity-the-coke-effect

It’s not really your DS’ school’s responsibility, sadly. The clue’s in the name - your DS. Mega sympathies.

Right now, the acting out’s a worse problem than whatever’s going on inside. DS’ education’s being damaged. Other people are being hurt.

You must feel grim, but you need to ringfence this behaviour for DS & everyone else before you dive into his inner workings.

Work on his bad behaviour before its cause, cos that’s the immediate problem.

Look at your boundaries with DS. Any expert will tell you

a) aggression needs to be managed before he gets too big to control physically. Ditto bullying.

b) SN, particularly unknown and undiagnosed, doesn’t change that.

Set acceptability rules and stick to them - step 1. of not failing your child. You & DH can do this, it feels nasty but it’s not that difficult. Don’t cave. It’s fine to be angry with him, but don’t get too furious, and don’t cave. He needs you to be strong.

Step 2 is finding out what’s going on as you may be able to help.

I think you're right. Although the school plays a part, he's my child and I have overall responsibility. There's two things that need to be solved. Firstly, there's the level of poor behaviour, which cannot continue as it is, regardless of why it's happening. That's my immediate focus. He's always had boundaries, appropriate punishments, everything that's always recommended, so we're just trying to drum that into him, that the ways in which he's currently channeling his anger frustration, whatever feelings he has are not appropriate.

The second issue is the why. Hopefully that will emerge with time and help.

Thank you to everyone for your comments. It was good to get my feelings out, and I've taken any suggestions on board.

Could it be as simple as sugar crashes? If he's gone veggie then is he eating lots of carbs like chickpeas pasta etc? Could be worth thinking about. Even things like bread and fruit juice could contribute.

Have a chat with Therese Langford of https://www.facebook.com/calmmindhypnotherapy - she works exclusively with mental health issues in children.

Interesting he’s voluntarily gone vegetarian. Please be assured a vegetarian diet will be good for him and he’ll get all the nutrients he needs. It shows what a caring boy he is. It might be an idea to get him involved in some animal welfare projects to provide a channel for this, once you’ve sorted out his trauma of course.

My son is in Y4 and friendship issues are a big thing, especially because the classes were reshuffled again, and some children were put with friends and others weren't (and were put with children who were placed in their secure friendship group).

This happened at a time when social differences among the boys especially are starting to emerge. The more macho (if that is not a ridiculous term to use about an 8 year old) boys, mostly from more working class (sorry) families are forming groups and competing for dominance through football, physical strength, and increasingly defiance. Some boys who don't fit that mould are trying to fit in with that because they don't have any other options. They aren't welcome in established groups, and the girls certainly don't want them.

Probably nothing to do with your situation, but why has your son started hanging out with this problematic child? Where are his previous friends? And if the child stopped playing with him as threatened, who would he play with?

I'm keen to do this, DH less so. I've researched counsellors so I can just go straight to it if need be. His frame of mind during a bad time is just so tricky to get past, I'm not sure he'd engage.

Does the above make you suspicious of DH?

No, it doesn't. He's never liked the idea of counselling and therapy.

I have (and to some extent still am) dealing with this with my 11 year old.

the anger though was awhile ago when he was just turning 10 - supplements did help actually but he was in burnout. He could no longer deal with the stresses of the school environment and he lost it. Now looking back he still can’t articulate exactly what it was but more a whole myriad of factors together. He also went through the start of early puberty back then (big for his age).

for him he needed time out - I think he had half a term off because he just needed to get himself better. He is coming back again having had another one but smaller this time.

therapy definitely helps - learning the concept of removing yourself from a situation you don’t like rather than staying there

and this is the even harder bit - you need to pull yourself together as well. Trust me I know how difficult it is but he has told me that seeing me stressed makes him and it is an never ending vicious circle.