10 year old boy, so very angry and unreasonable!

[MyLadyTheKingsMother]

Is this normal? I'm so worried that its not.

He flips like a switch. Example, he went out with my husband and his brother for a bike ride today. Had a great time, started to head back and husband asked him to put his coat back on.

Wouldn't do it because his hands were a bit wet (drizzly weather) and the coat stuck to his hands a bit.

Proceeded to refuse to move, had a massive tantrum and when he did start moving back towards home dragged his coat along the floor through mud and dog shit.

Refused to hose off his coat for the washer at first until I told him he'd be bloody wearing it for school, wet muddy and shit covered unless he did because I wasn't doing it for him when it's the result of an unreasonable tantrum.

He did it eventually after a long sulk and then stomped upstairs slamming, and banging as he went, then started hitting things in his room.

It's like this all the time. Every single day. I am exhausted by it.

No issues at school, no. Issues with friends, happy (generally) home.

Is this how it's going to be from now on?

Bump

My son gets like this when his iron is low. Try him on an iron supplement for a couple of weeks and see if the mood improves.

Interesting, how did you know it was low iron? And shouldn't I be speaking to a doctor if he is anemic?

He did originally have a blood test which showed it was extremely low and was put on supplements for a few months, now I can tell when it tell when it's going low.
If you can get him to have a blood test I would absolutely do it.

Wouldn't do it because his hands were a bit wet (drizzly weather) and the coat stuck to his hands a bit.

Does he struggle with sensory things generally? Labels in clothes, shoe fitting etc.

'and when he did start moving back towards home dragged his coat along the floor through mud and dog shit.'

Why didn't your husband grab the coat off him?

Yes, always has even when small. No other issues though and he's fine when it suits him. Even with things he's previously deemed terrible.

We've been attempting the natural consequences approach 😣

Here are my guesses:

• check for neurodivergence
• check if he's being bullied at school and doesn't feel able to tell you

No natural consequences if he doesn’t care about his coat!

but following in hope of tips, as we’ve one of these too.

Following

Well, the theory is the natural consequence would be he has to clean it if he gets it filthy through lack of care.

Two if my four children can be like this. Weirdly one was anaemic and had to have iron supplements for a while! Maybe he needs more iron again.

Dr Becky Kennedy talks about deeply feeling kids and this resonated with me. She has some useful tips.

Solidarity OP!

I've wondered about neuro divergence but other than tantrums that started at age 9 and some sensory difficulties he otherwise seems neuro typical to me?

Bump

Could be early adolescence?

But another OP just started a thread on how we’re failing boys ages 7-10 - so maybe have a look at that

'We've been attempting the natural consequences approach'

Wouldn't getting wet or cold for not wearing a coat be a better natural consequence of your husband had taken the garment off of him rather than let the boy behave wilfully?

I would give up this wet wipe approach if natural consequences and instil a bit more discipline so the boy acts with respect towards you and the clothes you have bought for him.

Personally I didn't make mine wear coats and they took the natural consequences of being wet or cold.

Turned out my son runs hot and was happy wearing shorts in snow and never really did get the hang of coats.

I wouldn't make a ten year old wear a coat.

He didn't make him wear the coat. He asked him to put it back on to cycle home as they were all on bikes and it's difficult to carry a coat and cycle at the same time.

10 year old then had a huge unwarranted tantrum.

So what does that look like then Paul?

He's already lost his gaming privileges a few days prior due to becoming violent towards his dad asking him to get dressed for school.

He then damaged the car seat by kicking which lost him his TV too.

He is expected to do jobs and housework generally anyway. Which he does do (not without complaint)

I'm not sure I understand.

What is the difference between your DH asking your DS to put his coat back on and asking him to wear it?

Sorry if I am missing something obvious?

If he is becoming violent then I would look at zones of regulation and low demand parenting.

Zones of regulation is about him learning about his emotions and when he is becoming angry etc. he (and you) can then have conversations about how he can calm down, and that can be implemented.

So after using it for a while, he might be able to say that he is getting into the red zone and you can say OK, let's go up and punch a pillow to help you get back into green zone.

zonesofregulation.com

We have used it successfully at my secondary school.

There's a difference between asking and making.

This was not a battle of wills where he was trying to force him to wear the coat.

He simply asked and then 10 yo flipped.

Is there anything else going on? My very placid 11 year old son became angry/stroppy last year when my life was up in the air and I was away from home alot. I realised it was probably because he wasn't getting enough one to one attention with me as he was use to. My mum passed away three months ago and since I'm back to normal home life and spending the same one to one time with him as before he feels valued and cared for and he's back to the way he was. Does he get one to one time with you both?

Other things to consider, is he hungry when it happens? Is he getting enough sleep? Is he spending too much time on devices? Is he getting on okay at school/in his friendship groups?

My eldest daughter turned in to a little horror at this age and it then became apparent as she got older and more difficulties arose that she had dyslexia and adhd. Sometimes children when little can have issues that are harder to spot but as they grow older and higher expectations of them are required they start to struggle more and it becomes more apparent.

Have you read the book how to talk so children will listen and listen so children will talk.

Good luck, it's so difficult when you are trying your best yet it's not improving anything and you're child is struggling.

Thanks 😊

This is all really helpful and I'm glad you understand, some posters clearly think kids come with an instruction manual!

I've never been the parent of a 10 year old before and I'm finding his behaviour so hard. It's a world away from my sweet little boy. I know he is still there because I still see him often too but the angry boy is becoming more frequent.

He isn't enjoying SATs prep so that doesn't help, he does struggle with reading and school suspect dyslexia so maybe this could be causing more frustration to build?

He has strict time limits on devices as does his younger brother and limits on the types of games he plays.

He has a heavily restricted mobile and all messages are checked regularly. He is on with this and understands its to keep him safe.