Son refuses to go to school

[Fluffyitalian]

Hi.
I'm having a nightmare with my son. He literally refuses to get out of bed let alone get ready and go to school.
He's 11 now and a big lad so I can't physically lift him and drag him there.
I have explained the consequences of his actions but he doesn't seem to think it will happen....or dare I say care.
I have a social worker involved as his attendance has got so bad.
I struggle with my mental health and I know I have made it easy for him in the past by letting him stay off just to avoid conflict on a morning which I know is proper selfish but I do dread every day and find it difficult to sleep worrying about what the next day will bring.
I am now getting grief of his dad...he says I can't look after the bairn right and he gonna take him away from me.
All I want is the best for my son.

Can he explain why he doesn’t want to go?

Would his dad be able to get him to go to school?

Can your son say why he doesn’t want to go to school?
how long has this been going on?

Hi all. My son is very reserved he doesn't speak about his feelings. I do sit with him and tell him that he can talk to me about anything. He has admitted he feels anxious a lot of the time. I'm so upset and really don't know what to do.
I feel I'm ballsing up his future and development.

Your first support ( other than his dad) is school. Ask for some help, they too will want him to attend.

He has no solid excuse for not liking school. I think a lot of his opinions of it stem from things he's watched on YouTube.

Then stop him watching YouTube....

What does he do during the day instead of going to school?

Ban YouTube
Find a hobby together
Practice mindfulness with him
Early bedtime with the promise of later bedtime on the weekend if he goes to school all week
Speak with the school and have a netting alone with the teacher and then with him present
Make sure his diet is good with the promise of a treat on the weekend like a magazine or whatever he's into
Radio on maybe for bedtime to relax
Change his room around to give him a fresh start and fresh bedding and Pajamas
Don't argue with him be firm and tell him he's going he has to at least try

Why is your 11 year old allowed access to YouTube content that obviously isn't appropriate?

No internet or WiFi, no phone, no tv and no gaming. If he won’t go to school he gets no privileges and won’t get them back until he’s in school.

Limit food treats and just offer 3x meals a day and healthy snacks, stop any pocket money and remove any money, all privileges have to be earnt back.

Honestly you’ve made it ok for him not to go to school the first time you gave in. I’m not judging you, dealing with intransigent children is bloody exhausting.

You can’t physically force him out the door but if it were me it would be a day of studying at home. No access to anything he wouldn’t have at school.

As someone with generalised anxiety disorder the longer he’s off the school the harder it will be to go back. Even if he’s anxious, anxiety is never improved with avoidance.

It's pretty extreme to have a SW involved. Would his dad be a bad person to live with? It may well be the best thing for him to live with dad, a male role model and better for your MH if you see him at the weekend and for dinner in the week. You may find that the quantity of time spent together decreases but the quality of time together increases.

Byebye Internet. Time on tech is earned by going to school.

This. Time to get tough, OP. He does not get to stay home unless you’re able to homeschool him. He can’t spend the day gaming or on YouTube.

My ASD ds 15 has finally accepted only a full day at college = xbox cable.. Can absolutely be done ime

I’m going to go against the grain a little here, and say that all behaviour is communication and it sounds like your DS is struggling with something.

As an adult with anxiety I understand that avoidance is not usually the answer to reducing that anxiety. I’d say that applies mainly to anxieties without a clear root cause - for example if I got anxious about getting public transport, then avoiding it reinforces the message to my brain that it’s dangerous.

However I don’t think it applies if there is a reason or root cause for the anxiety. I think that avoidance can be reasonable while the root cause is identified and tackled. Your DS may well be struggling with something that he doesn’t understand himself. As an adult, I’d strongly object if someone tried to force me into a workplace that I hated / was being bullied at / felt overwhelmed by / couldn’t keep up with/ wasn’t right for me.

I would expect to explore reasonable adjustments, to get HR involved perhaps to deal with the problems, further training maybe. Or get signed off sick. I certainly wouldn’t expect to have someone force me in daily and have the one or two things that made life bearable be removed.

I’d recommend a look at Naomi Fisher and her philosophy, she believes if children can do something then they will. You know your child best and if they will respond to sanctions / no internet/ consequences then great. However if there is a deeper problem or issue then this may not work and you’ll need to deal with the root cause. Best of luck OP whatever you decide.

Some Kids just don’t like school mine is one of them. When you accept that yourself things become easier . Be gentle when you get him up, positive but you absolutely have to be strict when he starts refusing to get up. If this means it takes 2 hours to get him into school, then it takes 2 hours, you don’t give up. When he does get up and goes you have to go ott on the praise .
don’t keep going on about school
when he’s home have a clear separation between home and school for a while. No internet if he doesn’t go school. But don’t restrict sports, my boy was always better about getting up if he had been exercised the night before.

Could you homeschool?

No school = No internet, No computer, No phone etc

Thank you for the replies.
Those gan on about the internet.....why? Assumptions make a fool out of you and me.
His dad isn't on the scene.
I'm gonna make things right myself I know I can do it.
Cheers anyway x

I was a school refuser, when a few years younger. Combination of being bullied, finding school boring, and probably being undiagnosed ASD. I wanted to stay home reading (pre internet), so every one of my books disappeared into the loft, with one given back every time I got up, dressed, breakfasted, and went to school. And my mum escorted me to the school door. We joke years later that I've never quite forgiven them...but it's not true. If they hadn't got me back into school, I very much doubt I'd be a doctor. People saying remove the wifi basically mean remove any reason for home being fun. And earn whatever those reasons for home being fun back, by going to school. But do first try to establish if there is any bullying, or additional needs. Because anxiety about going to school could possibly be down to either.

Posters are "going on about the internet" because you yourself said "He has no solid excuse for not liking school. I think a lot of his opinions of it stem from things he's watched on YouTube."

So, according to you, your son is being influenced by YouTube in ways that are not helpful to his development or education. That's not an assumption. It's what you said !!

Hence the "going on about the internet".

Perhaps try doing some parenting and get some oversight of your son's internet usage and media consumption, and don't be rude to posters who used the information you gave in your own posts to draw a perfectly logical and reasonable conclusion!

I agree with this. My son is a school refuser, he has ASD, he hates school, it's loud, he has to interact with people he doesn't 'know', he doesn't get on with a few teachers, the smells, I could go on. Why would I then male his home life shot by banning his ipad, WiFi, everything that actually makes his life worthwhile (to him). I don't think being strict is really as great a course as most posters are making out. When my son is suffering from burnout I treat him with kindness, I try to get to the bottom of his feelings, I try to be understanding. There's no point in flogging a dead horse.

*make
*shit