Will I regret having a 3rd child?

[karpouzi]

Calling all parents with 3 children for advice!

A little of bit of background story.

We have two lovely children (3 & 1 yo). I always wanted many children (in my mind 4 kids was the ideal number) but we had agreed with my DH that 3 might be easier both time-wise and financially. I was very happy with this decision. Fast forward now that we have two children, my DH changed his mind and he is super negative on having another one.

His view:

• We won’t have (or have limited) quality time with each child
• It will be much harder and tiring
• It will be much more expensive hence our quality of life will decrease (i.e. less holidays, less extracurricular activities for the kids etc.)
• We will be constantly chasing our tail; pretty much going each kid to different clubs, playdates etc and have no time to ourselves
• The world is built for families with two kids (i.e. family tickets are 2 adults & 2 children, family hotel rooms are for 2 adults & 2 children etc)
• We have two healthy kids - if we are on the fence on having another one why should we risk it? What if there are any health issues?

I get his points, he is not completely unreasonable but…

What’s your honest experience of having 3 kids? I am know that not many parents, if any, will say they regret having a 3rd one as they love the 3rd DC but are those points true? Should I reconsider having a 3rd one?

Note that we are both of us working full time and we want to keep it this way.

I love having three.
they are adults now and still really close.
the third was the easiest as there was always something entertaining (Lego builds, playmobil farming) to park him in front of in his bouncer.
our Kids tended to just do one after school club each (their choice) so we didn’t feel pressured.
no regrets at all, though it’s expensive now with one at uni and another one buying a flat!

I could have written your post a few years ago. In fact I think I did write a similar post. Anyway we decided after years of humming and hawing to stick at two. It was mainly my dh’s reluctance to go for number three that made us reach that decision and I was sad about it at the time. Now I’m so glad that we didn’t have a third. For all the reasons your dh mentions, a third would have detracted from our existing children’s lives more than it would have added. I absolutely love our family of four. We have amazing adventures and have been able to travel a lot with our children which we couldn’t have done with a third. We’re a very tight little unit and I feel like we have (just about) enough time and energy to give to our two children. Just one perspective for you.

If one of you doesn't want to, the default position is 'no more'

To be completely honest, and I say this as someone who adores all three of my amazing DC, everything your DH says is true.

Whilst I don't have 3, what I would say to anyone, is for one of my children, she was far far harder as a 14 year old than either of them were for baby or toddler or anything else. Argumentative, too big to manhandle (iyswim, you can't just strap them in the car seat anymore!) and just horrible really on occasion. To the point of my tears. And all that whilst you're essentially working for them as most of your earned money goes that way.
So what I would say to anyone now, isn't to think about 'do I want a baby', but can I handle a (potentially) very difficult teenager in fifteen years time.

we are also on the fence so following. we have a 4yo and 18mo.

I’m one of three and, looking back on things now, I do feel that my parents (despite being good parents in general and one being a SAHP for our entire childhood) did spread themselves far too thinly in having three children.

Each of us had times when our needs/priorities were not given the attention that they should have received at a crucial stage, because they were distracted by another child. This is despite us being generally well-behaved, high attaining children.

Plus the money would have stretched a lot further with only two of us as we were definitely short at times!

I think if both working full time it will be a challenge. We have two and both work full time. The children’s schedules are crazy now they are older and only getting worst!!

It's bloody wonderful. But I wouldn't have three with a reluctant partner who thinks two is hard work.

In exactly the same boat, we both have the same thoughts however and both on the fence. What did you decide to do?

I have three with 3.5 years age difference across the three of them. I’m also a lone parent. It’s very hard work but I love how close they are and hopefully they will always be this way when older.
the older two adore their little brother. They are great kids and all the special / happy times far far outweigh any of the work and worry!

Three is bloody hard work. When it's good it's pretty amazing but by god it rough some times.

We regularly have all three at different events across your city. It's bloody hard. We can't really afford them. It's a juggle. I'm currently looking for work only because we need cash to fund away trips for sport. Not family holidays just taking one child or the other to a sports event.

I love them. I really love them. Two was easier. I used to think I wanted 4!

I'm a therapist and many of my clients are those with three kids. The general stress but also the third roll of the dice often seems to throw up a child with some difficulties. Obviously this is not a random sample of people but I also see this with friends.

We have two for all the reasons you mention, but for me it's the being able to give them each enough attention aspect that is the worst. I really think unless there's at least one stay home parent then it will be really tough to do it well.

But if you're sure in your gut and your husband is with you go for it. Clearly lots of people love it. If he isn't there's not much to discuss.

If anyone is in much doubt, take a look at the current thread about university funding in Chat.

The landscape on this has changed significantly in recent years. In some cases the annual cost of university halls of residence alone is higher than the maximum available loan! A significant parental contribution is assumed for any student whose parents are earning more than a basic salary and the loan is capped accordingly.

It's about time as much as money. Are you looking forward to getting more of your life and career back, or are you up for "career parenting?"

Because if you are going to have more than 2, you really have to be into it - ALL your time and energy are going to have to be focused on parenting, relentlessly, for AGES.

Right now you are in the baby stage. It is physically exhausting, but there are logistics and negotiations waiting for you that are going to make this stage seem so easy, emotionally, in a few years. And if you have 3, your work load is going to increase in every area.

Are you passionate about laundry?
Do you love changing sheets?
Do you have a talent for brushing teeth?
Are you going to love encouraging reluctant children to do their homework, music practice, drive them to sports practice, persuade them to eat something sensible?
One child gets headlice, you have to comb 3.

Saying that, I was in the same place as you 8 years ago and I now have 4. I chose it, and I absolutely love it. But I don't have time for anything else.

I love having more than two - we have 4 (which does cause problems with cars - boring but true - but 3 is fine in most cars). It does cost more - i didnt notice it really until secondary school when clubs cost more and there are school trips, uniform etc.. (plus my teenager eats a monstrous amount of food!), hotel rooms are tricky (we use the yha) but again I think 3 kids is fairly standard now and most family tickets go up to 3 kids.. my husband would have stopped at 2 but I longed for more and we are a very happy, (busy) family. The kids adore each other 90% of the time and Id happily give up many expenses before Id regret having number 3 and 4. You do need to work at spending a little one on one time with each child during the year but it doesnt have to be pricey and they get so much out of siblings helping them - they do teach each other.... I love every minute tbh. Hubby works full time. I finish work at 3pm each day which helps and we mostly work from home. In school holidays my oldest (14) now minds the littles, everyone pitches in with chores. You make it work and mostly love doing so!

All of his points are totally valid.

I have 4DC. I love them all dearly. I wouldn't say I regret them at all, but I do have worries. They obviously get less of my time than when I had fewer - have you thought about how MUCH less time? Comparing 2 to 4, it's not even that they get half as much individual time, it's worse than that because there is more housework to do as well so that eats into quality time. Theres also very little alone time for them, so it's hard for them to tell you what's on their minds. You really have to PLAN individual attention in a way that you don't with fewer children. It is also noticeable thatbtjings that require a bit of 1:1 tuition my later children have done later e.g. I practisedbalance biking with my eldest lots of times and she loved it and was very confident when she turned 3. My boys got balance bikes for Christmas just after they turned 2 and they say in the shed for 6 months and the following Chirstmas I realised they had only been on them twice...

I alsoagree withPP that said your life becomes about your kids. I don't really mind that I've paused career progression. Not sure if/when that will become a priority again. It might be that it just never does. I don't resent the time, but I really think many people would - you see the attitude on some threads about SAHM and how limited/boring it would be to have very little beyond your kids... well, with 3+ kids I honestly think something has got to give. You can't have an amazing career and give several kids the attention they deserve unless you have an amazing support network. The more kids you have, the more your career and pre-kid.life is going to go on the back burner.

I genuinely also think it's a very bad idea to have a child unless both parents REALLY want it.

We decided to go ahead :) We are expecting our little one in winter! And both of us are super excited!

Hey 👋 we decided to go for 3rd and ended up with twins! Haha and just had 5th little surprise baby, it is hectic, i have 13yo 12yo twins 8 (thought thats it we are done)and 4 months old lol but honestly everyone that comes to our house can’t believe there are 5 kids here, its all about organising and routine, although daddy was ill and the only driver, so was a bit of a mad rush getting out the door this morning for school, its a 1hr 25 minute school run when walking lol xx

@karpouzi

So happy for you!

Have you preplanned any changes to adjust or hoping third will slot in?

Will you be working after mat leave?

oh! Wow 5! Well done. I am struggling with being super organised and I def need to get better at it! The first thing I said when I did the 12 week scan was.. “Please tell me there is only one” 😂 I am def done after this. I expect it will be very expensive as they get older which is one of my main concerns.

Thank you! No much preplanning. We are lucky to have enough space to accommodate 3 little ones but unfortunately not 3 teenagers. But this is far in the future! Yes, I will def go back to work. I know it’s not a popular opinion but I do believe it makes a better parent. When I am all day at home with kids, I feel I am not always 100% there.

@karpouzi did you decide to go for it?

Oops sorry just read the full thread and saw you did, congrats!

I love having three. So close in age too. Best thing I ever did