Co-parenting help! Daughter, 12, wants to reduce contact with father.

[NKME]

I need some advice. My daughter is 12 and she has wanted to reduce the amount of time she spends at her dads for a few years now. Recently it has become an issue so we had a chat and decided we would have a chat with her father and propose a different structure to how and when she goes round to his house. He is in a long term relationship and he has a son with his partner and she has a daughter from her previous marriage. My daughter doesn't feel like his house is her home, she has a room with her brother which she cannot use when she is there because he moans at her for being in the room, listening to music, talking to friends etc. Her relationship with her brother is tense because he isn't very nice to her and her dad and step-mum always side with him which I have seen many many times. She gets 0 time with her dad with just them 2 and I have told him so many times over the last few years she really wants to have some daddy and daughter time. She gets shouted at over silly things and her dad always thinks the worst when it comes to her. I just want to add, she is naturally shy and quiet and when he confronts her with aggression and shouting she panics and just goes in herself which makes him angrier because she wont admit something or talk to him. She is a nice kid, she is not a problem at all other than the odd teenage behaviour like not tidying her room thoroughly and throwing stuff in her wardrobe, moaning when it's bedtime or getting upset when she gets stuck on homework. In our home we resolve any differences by talking and using punishments like grounded, no technology etc. We don't shout and scream, I grew up in a household like that and I will not do that to my children. Anyways, my daughters father is avoiding me and wont accept my daughter doesn't want to go there as much. He is blaming me but he will not talk to me or his daughter to hear what we have to say. How can I get him to reason with us and listen to what our daughter has to say without hurting him or provoking him to shout at our daughter and upset her. I know this will be difficult for any parent but our daughter is old enough to make this decision herself. I'd also like to add, when his step-daughter didn't want to go to her dads he supported her and, to be honest, he loved it because he never liked her dad. I don't know what to do.

Thank you all for your response. My daughter has made the decision she will not be going back there until her father has spoken to us about it which he is refusing to do. His main problem is me having to be there as her 'back up'. My daughter knows if I am not there he will shout at her about it and she doesn't want to be in that situation. I can't believe he is willing to lose a relationship with his daughter because he can't be a grown and have a conversation about his child. He's messaged me and said if she wants to see him she can text and its on her that she doesn't want to be around him anymore..... He can't see past himself and to be honest he never has been able to. She has a good family unit here and always will. Thank you all it's much appreciated :-)

Your poor DD. She has been thoroughly let down by him hasn't she? You've handled everything completely right though and it sounds as though she feels safe with you

Hi, appreciate this post is now a few months old but just read it. I'm in the same situ as you. My daughter is 14. Her father didn't see her for the first 3 years although we decided to have a child together he then changed his mind... as you do! My daughter sees him once every 2 weeks but doesn't like him. He insists she calls him 'dad' but but she refuses. I've spoken to him on numerous occasions. Explained that the term is earned and not a given. Still he persists and basically bullies her. He wants love from her but he's controlling, arrogant and dismissive. Yesterday I said if she didn't want to see him again she didn't have to. After 14 years of spoon feeding him I give up.
I hope you find a solution. You sound like a great mum xx

I am a single mum of two teens and had difficulties co-parenting at times. I would say your daughter is now old enough to decide herself if she wants to go or not. I would tell your ex why she doesn't want to go and see if he is willing to make changes. He should at least compromise. I would meet him on your own to discuss it calmly and without arguing and see if a solution can be reached. It isn't easy-I know but it is clear you love her and will sort it. Never force her to go though.

My DSD is 13, she has her own room and space to chill out. But she still doesn't want to come as much and her visits are getting fewer and fewer. I remember what it is like to be 12/13 year old girl, your friends are your life and you want to feel relaxed at home. I totally understand that she'll want to be with her mum and friends. It's hard on her dad (my DH), but I think this tends to happen with girls as they get older. In your instance, her sharing a room with an 11 year old boy is highly inappropriate. Poor girl. If you live close enough for mid-week dinners and weekend day visits that seems the perfect solution, and it's sad her dad can't see or facilitate that. My DSD lives over an hour away, so that's harder to manage and it's hard for my DH.

Just realised as I posted this is an old thread! Sorry OP, hope it all worked out!

MaJoJo3 · Yesterday 17:29

It has been almost a year now since my daughter moved out. I still miss her but I understand and we keep in touch. I have learned a lot in these months;

1. Things are never as bad as they seem -you do get used to new situations ,even if they seem dreadful you DO adapt.

2. I have a different relationship with my daughter now and it is great! She talks to me more when she's unhappy at her dad's and I have taken on more of a friendship role rather than that of a mother. She tells me when she's made mistakes at college and I just listen and support her. Before I would ground her or take her phone if she messed up at school but now I leave her dad to deal with discipline and he does a good job.

3. One really important thing I have learned is never ever take to heart anything teens say which may be hurtful. We have all been teens and probably all went through a stage of taking parents for granted and/or wanted to spend time with friends rather than parents-it is normal! Some even say teens are given nasty hormones as it's natures way of encouraging independence away from parents. It is a fact of life that teens can be cruel to parents but I personally think this is harder on single parents!

4. It is vital to give teens space. I know my daughter loves getting post the old fashioned way so I send her occasional gifts which she's made clear that she loves. It is my way of showing her love but expecting nothing in return.

5. Parents must be patient when their teens are distancing themselves. I didn't really (and I mean REALLY!) appreciate my parents fully until I became a mother myself! Then I got it! I am now so close to my parents that I talk to them all the time about everything! Patience is the hardest but most rewarding of all.