Co-parenting help! Daughter, 12, wants to reduce contact with father.

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I need some advice. My daughter is 12 and she has wanted to reduce the amount of time she spends at her dads for a few years now. Recently it has become an issue so we had a chat and decided we would have a chat with her father and propose a different structure to how and when she goes round to his house. He is in a long term relationship and he has a son with his partner and she has a daughter from her previous marriage. My daughter doesn't feel like his house is her home, she has a room with her brother which she cannot use when she is there because he moans at her for being in the room, listening to music, talking to friends etc. Her relationship with her brother is tense because he isn't very nice to her and her dad and step-mum always side with him which I have seen many many times. She gets 0 time with her dad with just them 2 and I have told him so many times over the last few years she really wants to have some daddy and daughter time. She gets shouted at over silly things and her dad always thinks the worst when it comes to her. I just want to add, she is naturally shy and quiet and when he confronts her with aggression and shouting she panics and just goes in herself which makes him angrier because she wont admit something or talk to him. She is a nice kid, she is not a problem at all other than the odd teenage behaviour like not tidying her room thoroughly and throwing stuff in her wardrobe, moaning when it's bedtime or getting upset when she gets stuck on homework. In our home we resolve any differences by talking and using punishments like grounded, no technology etc. We don't shout and scream, I grew up in a household like that and I will not do that to my children. Anyways, my daughters father is avoiding me and wont accept my daughter doesn't want to go there as much. He is blaming me but he will not talk to me or his daughter to hear what we have to say. How can I get him to reason with us and listen to what our daughter has to say without hurting him or provoking him to shout at our daughter and upset her. I know this will be difficult for any parent but our daughter is old enough to make this decision herself. I'd also like to add, when his step-daughter didn't want to go to her dads he supported her and, to be honest, he loved it because he never liked her dad. I don't know what to do.

A judge would allow your dd to choose how much contact she had with her dad. Is there a child arrangement order?

It sounds like he won’t be reasonable about things. I would direct his anger at me and tell him what dd wants. If he threatens court then that’s fine as your dd will be allowed to choose and any decent legal person would tell him that. It doesn’t solve the problems of what happens at his house but it sounds fucking miserable there.

How old is the brother? I think at this age she needs her own room, but especially if he is secondary school age. Perhaps just cut out the over nights?

Agree with Boohoo. He sounds completely unreasonable and I'm not surprised that -

A. He's your ex and

B. Your DD doesn't want to go there.

He's avoiding you because he knows exactly why she doesn't want to go there. If he tries to get shouty or force her remind him he didn't force his step daughter. I would put it all in a message or email to him outlining why and what the new visitation will be. W
What is it currently and when does she want to change it to? Honestly why would she want to go when she's sharing with her brother, what age is he? She has no personal space or space to do homework

No order in place. He isn't on her birth certificate as he wasn't present for the first 2 years of her life (his choice). When he asked to go on her birth certificate he refused to sign a residence order so I refused to allow it unless it went through court. He had taken our daughter and refused to bring her back until he chose to, so I wasn't risking it.
My daughter hates it there 99% of the time.

He's 11 and we've proposed that as well as changing days to a different day.

Therd is no court order so she does not have to go
If she wants to eg meet him sometimes to go out she can offer that

Thank you. Her brother is 11. We've proposed no over night stays and changed days - 1 weekend day and 1 evening after school for dinner.

I don't think it's appropriate that she shares a bedroom with her brother who's so close in age. Can you point this out to dad as reason for over night visits to cease?

Whatever happens OP you be there for your daughter 200% of the time. You make sure she's loved and she knows it. Give her reassurance always. Tell her she's the best child anyone could have and always always have her back. I had a shit childhood both of my parents were awful. I never felt loved and now I have kids of my own not for one second do I ever make them or ever want them to feel any of them are not loved. However of an arsehole her dad is she'll never let it bring her down when she knows she has a mother who is strong and loves her unconditionally.

It's really not appropriate for them to be sharing a room now at this age. On that alone her dad can't fight it, I'd tell him to go to court but doubt the will

Don’t make her go, she needs you on her team.

' her brother '

who is this boy's mother - you ?

If not surely he is a half brother or a step brother ?

Why is she sharing with a boy ? and not the new lady's daughter ?

https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/in-the-home/sharing-a-bedroom/ they should not be sharing a bedroom over age 10.

I would email him setting out her feelings, the reasons and what you are proposing instead, in a reasonable but firm way.

Closing with : so she will not be coming this weekend, you can reach out to make alternate plans which are 1 to 1 and do not involve overnight stays.

He's her brother as they share the same father. Semantics over 'half' are not helpful.

1 weekend day and 1 meal after school on a weekday sounds a good compromise.
If he doesn't agree then I wouldn't send her at all until it is resolved.

Yes it's her half brother. They are in a 2 bed, 1 room is my daughters brothers where she sleeps when she stays and the other is her stepsister who is much older and needs her own space. Her father and step-mother have converted the dinning room into their bedroom downstairs.

Agree that your DD should absolutely not be sharing a room with her brother at this age.

If she doesn’t want to go at all then don’t make her.

If she still wants to see her dad and he wants to act like a child, inform him she won’t be going at all until you all reach an agreement.

Thank you, this is exactly what I do. Our home environment is full of love and respect and always has been because my childhood wasn't and I promised my children would always be loved and valued. Her father does love her and I know it's hard for him to accept she doesn't want to be there. He says I'm a pushover and that's why she prefers being with me which is rubbish, she prefers being here because she is valued, her voice is heard and we make time for our children, they are put first. At her dad's she I'd left to get on with it, no plans are ever made, she just lats on her bed messaging me telling me she wants to come home. Then they moan at her for using her phone alot - she has nothing else to do. Her brother uses the TV to game all day and she has nowhere to go and chill out and play. I am firm and fair but will not shout and scream at them. I have such an amazing relationship with my children which speaks volumes. My daughters safe space is my home and me. I want to make this transition as easy as possible for my daughters father without him blaming me or our daughter. He won't even talk to us at the moment.

Yes at this age I would be speaking to her father telling him the arrangements are not working fr your DD and that she won’t be doing overnights any more. He sounds like a selfish, immature aresehole. Your DD will need your support to get over his treatment of her. She is lucky to have you at least. He sounds like such a nightmare for her.

Ask school to help . Do they have an advocate? Your daughter can write how she feels , the outcomes she wants down at school , that way he can’t say you influenced her . If it’s written rather that said , he has time to think it over . Her not staying would makes his son happy I should think . Good luck , if not get legal advice. Please don’t underestimate the negative effects this has on your daughter. You sound such a good mum OP . Her dad may kick off to begin with but it’s worth it for her to know her feelings are taken seriously and valued. From 12 she has gillick competency so any judge will listen to her and take very seriously her views.

I would not be happy with my daughter sharing a bedroom with an 11 year old boy, and quote:

'My daughter doesn't feel like his house is her home, she has a room with her brother which she cannot use when she is there because he moans at her for being in the room, listening to music, talking to friends etc. Her relationship with her brother is tense because he isn't very nice to her and her dad and step-mum always side with him'

Clearly the ' brother ' is not happy either.

I am not surprised your daughter is not wanting to see her father very often.

I think I would be inclined to double check what the legal position is, though it does sound as if she is old enough to make the decision herself.

Then I think you just need to be ready to soak up any blame and anger directed your way. You already know he’s a rubbish father, so don’t expect him to act in your DDs best interest and see things in a reasonable light.

You will have to face this head on and tell him she doesn’t want to spend time at his house, and you won’t make her go. It will be a help if your Dd feels able to say this herself to him - but if she can’t then don’t force her to back you up.

At the same time offer some suggestions for one on one time with her and him. Better if your Dd has some suggestions. Eg go to the cinema, shopping mall, restaurant, play park just the two of them.

What ever he says to you eg you are too soft, you have three options: agree, ignore or disagree. If you do disagree then keep it short “I disagree with you or no I am not being too soft, I am listening to our Dd”

Remind yourself it doesn’t really matter what he says or thinks of you. He’s an ex for a reason. There’s the possibility that his partner doesn’t want him spending time away from her to see his Dd alone, but that’s his problem.

I think it’s lovely that you are listening to your Dd and willing to go in to battle on her behalf. We all need a parent at our back, no matter our age.

I wouldn't be making her go at all, if she doesn't want to. I really don't think it will be doing good things for her self esteem to be made to play second fiddle to brother all the time, and dad not listening to what she wants from him.