Am I explaining too much to my 7 year old?

[ohididntrealise]

I have a 7 year old who is very bright, but utterly exhausting. He is demanding and very, very high energy. I suspect he is also quite spoiled (he is the elder of two, youngest is almost 4).

Anyway, he doesn't do as he's told. He won't just accept a "no". And I really struggle with this.

I feel he should just do as I say because I'm the parent and he's the child. But he doesn't see it like this. In his defence, sometimes when I do talk through my reasoning, he understands it and he responds better. Great. But sometimes he doesn't, so where do I go from there?

For example, one thing I am really struggling with at the moment is him demanding ALL my time. Husband works away quite a lot, and I have a job plus also dealing with him and his brother. But he is so high energy, and such high maintenance that all my time is spend pandering to him, and it seems impossible to stop.

Today, I've taken them swimming in the morning, then to a birthday party in the afternoon, park on the way home. The second we got in the door, he was on at me to play scrabble with him. I had a million other things to be done. Food shop to be put away, piles of washing to deal with, breakfast dishes to be tidied away before making tea.

Time just absolutely ran away with us and I found myself, as usual, running around like a headless chicken.

Anyway, to the crux of the matter: I found myself explaining to him at 8pm tonight when he had made a "den" in the living room and just made a godawful mess, and was refusing to help tidy up then go to bed: "please, you need to give me the time to be a good mum. To be a good mum, I need time to tidy the house. Wash your clothes, fold your clothes, put them away. I need time to check your school bag for notes from teacher, pack your school bag with books and gym kit and water and snack. Time to put shopping away and make tea."

And then again at 9pm when he was in bed but still awake and insisting I lie next to him "please, just go to sleep. I'm just going to go down to the kitchen. It's 9pm and not long before I have to be in bed. I need time to clear up all the dinner stuff. Feed the cats. Hang washing on the clotheshorse. I'd love to play with you all day and then lie here with you at bedtime, but when would anything get done?"

I just feel quite ridiculous to be honest. His high maintenance ways are really getting to me.

His brother, at 3 and 3/4, will quite often play by himself for decent periods of time. But the 7 year old. He just seems to need so much stimulation and involvement from me, and I feel like everything is a negotiation with him. I wish he would just do as I say sometimes without me having to explain and justify it.

He is a lovely boy (particularly out the house) but when he's bad he can be awful. He seems to only do this as home though. But when he's awful and j send him to his room, he'll just say no. That shouldn't really be an option at 7 and I don't know how to deal with it.

In my experience 7 year olds frequently do not do as they are told.

If your only consequence is sending him to his room and he is refusing to go, then you need some different consequences that you can implement whether he agrees with them or not

https://www.verywellfamily.com/7-year-old-developmental-milestones-620704

I'd love to play with you all day and then lie here with you at bedtime,

Would you though? You can't just play with a seven year old or do chores. That can't be your weekend! What about you doing things you want to do?

If I'd been swimming and then to a child's birthday party and then my child asked me to play scrabble I'd have said no. No way in fact!

So you make him go to his room.
or you get a better consequence.
Stop explaining everything all the time.
You want him to tidy up, then nothing else happens until he’s done that. No snacks, or games or iPad or tv. No attention apart from a calm but repetitive ‘time to tidy up’. Same for bed time.
He’s learned that if he keeps it up long enough you’ll cave.
Too many choices and explanations are a big part of behaviour issues with young children in. He needs boundaries and consistent expectations.
You’re in charge, not him.

He sounds very intelligent and curious. Great in one way and a challenge in others.

Time to have a chat, set out the boundaries and the consequences of not maintaining them. I would frame it as he is older he is now going to be expected to step up, it's a challenge and you have confidence in his ability to knock this out of the park.

Then when he is pushing for scrabble and you want to get on with housework offer him two options help or pop off and practice some amazing word combos.

You are doing nothing wrong children just need different responses as they grow.

Explaining briefly why something needs to be done is fine, it's reasonable. You'd generally want to understand why you have to do something and not just follow orders blindly.

But what you describe is you asking him, begging him, to allow you to go downstairs. That is ridiculous. It isn't good for him to feel that he has this power or responsibility, that he has to grant you permission to tidy up! You need to just tell him, clearly, and leave it there.

'Can you play Scrabble with me?'

'No, I'm going to need to tidy up and get some things sorted so the time between now and dinner is free play'.

'Can you lie with me?'

'Yes. I'm going to set a timer for 15 minutes and then I'll need to go downstairs and tidy up'.

And repeat as necessary.

Yes. I also imagine he has switched off if your explanations are always so long.

Say no, be firm. Include a small explanation ''I'm busy'', ''Not right now, we just got back and I'm tired''.

The book discussed in this video might be helpful for you - I found it useful when mine were younger.

Yes, I do try.

I take away his computer games of his football sticker book.

He does have massive, massive tantrums when they get taken away which I alternate between ignoring, or taking something else away.

Quite often once he has either properly apologised and got the item back, or done his time and had the item returned after the agreed time....he will immediately say something cheeky / so something naughty and I end up taking it straight back again. I find this so frustrating because he's a smart child, why is he doing something so stupid?!

But yes, I know it's all about consequences. I try to make them immediate. Sometimes. I take something away and he says he doesn't care 🤷‍♀️

Thank you. Having a read now

Of all things I am worried you are driving a wedge between your children. The youngest won't forever be as clueless as he is now about being short changed of his mother's time. Once resentment sets in it will be difficult to fix. Imo, you need to create boundaries with your older son and make sure you give both you children equal time and attention.

Well no, I suppose not!

I have tried saying no and he just keeps begging me, which is why I try and explain why I can't, and tell him all the other things I have to do.

But I know that really he should just accept the "no".

This is the thing though.

He has a lot of patience. We end up in a total stalemate in these situations. He just won't do it. He is stubborn and he has all day to beat me at things like this. I don't have all day.

I do fully agree I should be the one in charge, not him. I just struggle to implement it in practice.

Thank you. That was a very kind response.

Yes, I do worry about this.

He is a wonderful big brother and they adore each other (most of the time).

But when the 7 year old has a tantrum, it is off the charts. 4 year has tantrums but they generally blow over quite quickly. He is generally a very amenable little guy. 7 year old has always been more hot headed.

There are 4 of us in this house, but when the 7 year old blows up, it disrupts the whole household. I do often say to my husband at these times "stop it. Stop placating him. Stop giving him attention. Focus on the 4 year old. Don't get sucked into 7 year olds drama."

So I am doing my best in this regard, but yes it is definitely something I worry about.

They do often try and make me pick a favourite. For example they will always take the opposite stance to each other, just to see who I pick. It's exhausting.

I think you need to remember that you are important too.

You can tell him that you need to do something else and you can tell him you want to do something else.

Presumably you didn't catapult him to bed from the sofa. He's spent time with you getting ready for bed and reading a story. You can say you want to go and read your own book.

Thanks all. It's been a long day, and I'm aware that my post was a bit of a ramble, but I feel better now. Thank you.

You need a family time chart.

Make it vertical in shape (morning at the top and bedtime at the bottom or vice versa).

Mark off times to do all the activities that must be done in the day. This includes tidying up and time for you to spend time inside your own head.

Mark off 15 minute increments in your chart.

You need to be realistic in your assessment of how much time you personally need in order to get things done. Mark off your chores and build in breaks, meals, and loo time for you.

You also need Alone Time for yourself. During this time nobody can disturb you unless to say the house is on fire. Police this with all the determination you can muster. It's vital training for children to have to recognise that mum is a person separate from them, with her own needs.

Mark in time when you're available to play or chat with DS1.
Mark in time when you're available to chat with DC2.
Maybe mark in Family Time when you could all watch something together, bake, etc.

Mark in a good chunk or chunks of time when he needs to amuse himself - he can read, he can learn chess or play scrabble or do sudoku, or whatever, online, or do a puzzle, or write and illustrate a story, or build something with Lego - there are many options.

Mark in cleanup time before the bedtime routine. 15 mins should do it if everyone putches in.

Mark in bedtime chat time (15 mins) after which you will say goodnight.

Use a timer. If you have a Google or Amazon device you can use that for setting timers.

Your DS may need the visual reminder of how the day is structured, and he certainly needs a very clear reminder that he is not the only pebble on the beach.

Your DS hasn't yet really accepted that you're not an extension of his personality. You need to help him learn this. Stop the verbal explanations. They're getting you nowhere.

Lots of great advice here. I also do "when we/you/I do X, then we can Y". I have also got better at framing my refusals in terms of my needs - "no, I don't want to right now, I'm tired, I would like to do is X". The kids in turn have become much more aware of me as an individual with my own needs.

I think a lot about how I want my daughters not to surrender their own needs to others and use that to boost my resolve! If I had sons I think I would want to model for them that love doesn't mean expecting someone else to abandon everything for them all time....

Also... try two things are true. "You are upset because you want me to do XYZ. And, I am not going to XYZ."

Oh and consider natural consequences. The natural consequences of being whinged at are you become ratty and don't want to play or whatever. Works better for us than arbitrary consequences.

All children are different but non benefit from you not valuing yourself. Model the respect for your needs that you deserve and that will help your children value your opinion. Do not become (eventually) that parent of a teen who puts them self so far ahead of you in the pecking order that you are barely a consideration.

You sound like you just need a minute to work on your approaches to be consistent and confident in your approach. Who hasn’t tried a few different and contradictory things in the heat of the moment but pick your approach and commit to it. Ignore what you can, enjoy the good, keep well fed, watered and rested and try to deflect rather than appease tantrums. No is a good thing for children to hear and the less firm a boundary then the more anxious it makes them. Remember that they tantrum where they are safe. My asd child usually held it together in public but when they weren’t at home it was mighty. Not all children are the same and some are harder - that’s not your fault.

What I'm reading here is that your dh is working away, you work full time and all domestic management and childcare is on your shoulders.

Something has to give. Can you pay a responsible 16/17 year old to look after the kids for 3/4 hours a couple of times a week?

Sounds like your son (and probably your husband) need to step up in the household chores. At 7 he can start taking age appropriate responsibility for being a member of a family and sharing a house or he could grow up thinking it is ok for one person to always have to tend to others and clean after them.

Hah. In desperation I bought a copy of a book entitled "How to teach your dragon to accept "no"" - it looks like you can also watch it on youtube

I read it to DC a couple of times at a similar age and on the second attempt she put a blanket over her head and said "I know why you're reading this."

Like your DS, mine needs an explanation if there is a no. But after reading that book (and the threat of reading it again) mine now grudgingly gets that I don't say "no" without good reason, but I don't always have time to go into detail about the reasons.

@ohididntrealise no matter what anyone says no child came with a manual and it is permanently a case of learning on the job.

He will get there.Remember to prioritise yourself too, this show him self care. I am at the other end 16 who for unknown reasons came with common sense and smarts. And the absolute ball of fun ten year old who was obviously born to have staff.😜

My DDs are 8 and 10. That sounds identical to the conversation I have with DD1 every night of the week.
How about getting him to help you with chores? He gets to be with you, see what the family needs, and you get stuff done? Perhaps a little pocket money incentive?? Alternatively, he'll hate it and leave you alone maybe??