Am I explaining too much to my 7 year old?

[ohididntrealise]

I have a 7 year old who is very bright, but utterly exhausting. He is demanding and very, very high energy. I suspect he is also quite spoiled (he is the elder of two, youngest is almost 4).

Anyway, he doesn't do as he's told. He won't just accept a "no". And I really struggle with this.

I feel he should just do as I say because I'm the parent and he's the child. But he doesn't see it like this. In his defence, sometimes when I do talk through my reasoning, he understands it and he responds better. Great. But sometimes he doesn't, so where do I go from there?

For example, one thing I am really struggling with at the moment is him demanding ALL my time. Husband works away quite a lot, and I have a job plus also dealing with him and his brother. But he is so high energy, and such high maintenance that all my time is spend pandering to him, and it seems impossible to stop.

Today, I've taken them swimming in the morning, then to a birthday party in the afternoon, park on the way home. The second we got in the door, he was on at me to play scrabble with him. I had a million other things to be done. Food shop to be put away, piles of washing to deal with, breakfast dishes to be tidied away before making tea.

Time just absolutely ran away with us and I found myself, as usual, running around like a headless chicken.

Anyway, to the crux of the matter: I found myself explaining to him at 8pm tonight when he had made a "den" in the living room and just made a godawful mess, and was refusing to help tidy up then go to bed: "please, you need to give me the time to be a good mum. To be a good mum, I need time to tidy the house. Wash your clothes, fold your clothes, put them away. I need time to check your school bag for notes from teacher, pack your school bag with books and gym kit and water and snack. Time to put shopping away and make tea."

And then again at 9pm when he was in bed but still awake and insisting I lie next to him "please, just go to sleep. I'm just going to go down to the kitchen. It's 9pm and not long before I have to be in bed. I need time to clear up all the dinner stuff. Feed the cats. Hang washing on the clotheshorse. I'd love to play with you all day and then lie here with you at bedtime, but when would anything get done?"

I just feel quite ridiculous to be honest. His high maintenance ways are really getting to me.

His brother, at 3 and 3/4, will quite often play by himself for decent periods of time. But the 7 year old. He just seems to need so much stimulation and involvement from me, and I feel like everything is a negotiation with him. I wish he would just do as I say sometimes without me having to explain and justify it.

He is a lovely boy (particularly out the house) but when he's bad he can be awful. He seems to only do this as home though. But when he's awful and j send him to his room, he'll just say no. That shouldn't really be an option at 7 and I don't know how to deal with it.

Yes you are explaining too much. Can you imagine anyone else eg teacher explaining why they have to finish break time or stop doing whatever they are doing. Just be firm and fair “I’m going to do the washing now” in a firm tone and then leave the room. Don’t open it to a conversation or debate. Just do it. You are the parent. It sounds like he is running circles around you.

Sounds very similar to my 7 year old son who has pda and adhd.
Not suggesting your son is neurodiverse but obviously could be a possibility.

I also have a 4 year old - who is easier to live with and more independent (I try not to ever compare them because this can lead to resentment and negative feelings) at the end of the day they are different people with different personalities and needs.

He is craving this time because he has a high need for connection/co regulation.
I might go against the grain but id never take things away from him or punish him in those sorts of ways. I know what it’s like to feel like you aren’t the parent and you feel you have little control - you need to begin to work on building more of a collaborative approach. That works much better with our son.

I speak honestly and openly and tell him I am human too. I try and empathise with his thoughts and feelings as much as I can but also place boundaries. If I didn’t want to play scrabble I would suggest an alternative time. We do lie with our son until he goes off to sleep.

I also liked that book how to talk to children so they will listen posted by pp.
Also the gentle discipline book Sarah ockwell smith.

I think you have to say no and just ignore the chat back, no is my final answer and then get on with tidying the kitchen or whatever you want to do.

'I've said no and I mean no, please go and play'

'When I say no I mean no'

'No, off you go and play'

You don't need to explain yourself to a 7yo.

Eventually he'll get bored and occupy himself.

My son was like this until he started at 7 1/2 at a very academic school with lots of homework. In the holidays he's still a bit like this. It's boredom, lack of intellectual stimulation, and not enough interesting company from children his own age.

I have a son that age who is similar in some ways. What I often do is offer a choice. Like today he wanted sweets from the shop but one packet wouldn't do, he wanted two. So I said you have a choice - one packet or zero. Obviously he was going to choose one packet then. At bedtime you could say I have stuff to do but you have a choice - you can chill out here with a book for a while and I'll come in and give you a kiss and a cuddle before I go to bed, then do lights out, or I can turn the lights off now and leave you to it. He will of course say no you stay here with me but just stay calm and say no, your options are reading and lights out in twenty minutes or lights out right now, what are you choosing? If he refuses to choose then you say ok lights out now then and he'll quickly scramble to agree with reading first.

One thing I would say is the mega tantrums don't sound very typical for age 7 and I am wondering if he could possibly be chronically over tired. Do you do lots of activities every day or is it just today? Does school take a lot out of him? I find DS way more challenging when he's not had enough sleep, he wakes up grumpy and can be really cheeky. When he's well rested he's not cheeky at all so it's really obvious.

My 7 year old dd is like this

Tell he him he has to help by tidying up his own mess, help with putting away the shopping, clearing the table, and do it with him. Do the chores on his time, not yours, tell him you can play once the jobs are done.