Presents for friends kids

[Throwaway202]

Backstory: So there are 3 of us in a friend group, Me, Friend 1 (F1) and Friend 2 (F2). Myself and F1 have 1 kid each, both are nearly 13 months while F2 has 2 kids (nearly 12months and 3yrs)

We only started hanging out this year and have just reached our first Christmas as a friend group. Christmas was fine as we all bought each other’s kids something small and it was quite equal.

The issue now lies with birthdays. My kid and F1s kid had their birthdays first. F1 & F2 spent approx £20 each on presents for mine and F2 & myself did the same for F1s kid.

My question lies around F2s kids. I think we should spend £20 on each kid, their birthdays are about 2 months apart. But F1 said it should be £10 each so £20 in total. We can both afford to spend the extra £20 but I know if I do 2 gifts of £20 each F1 will get annoyed with me.

What is the usual protocol for this type of thing?

This much angst over gifts - you need to end this after this birthday. No more gifts amongst this group. It doesn't work as you all have different values.

I’d say same amount on each child. What if you or your friend go on to have more children? Would your friend think it fair then?

I’m honestly getting to a point in life where I am actively trying to drop people off the birthday/Christmas list. I haven’t got the headspace or the will on inclination to remember all these extra birthdays and worrying about what to buy them. We reached a point with some family where every Christmas we were literally exchanging gift vouchers so we agreed it was stupid and now we’ve stopped it. If friends were having a party for their child then yes I would of course take a gift or if we happened to be seeing them that day or something but otherwise no, not. In our friendship group we have three kids and everyone else has one or two so they would already be at a disadvantage having to spend extra!

on this occasion, £20 each child. But in future, you need to bring up that money is a factor with pressies and not say it's because one of them has two kids, but that you all have a budget. Imo, you shouldn't do pressies at all. Just buy cute cupcakes or something. This is why my love language is not presents.

Id say £20 each child. Its not fair to spend less on a child just because they ended up with a sibling. Also, how will F1 even know how much youve spent? Do you all go round to eachothers houses and watch the kids open their gifts at the same time? This is such a non issue, just buy a gift of upto £20 for each child. Doesnt have to be exact amounts every single time either but each child deserves to be treated equally and individually imo

Giving a gift should be an act of generosity. Don't turn it into a financial transaction, otherwise you may as well just give a £20 note to the friend. If you're going to give a gift, choose something you think they will like and give it. It doesn't matter if that is £10, £20, £30, it doesn't matter if the amount spent varies each birthday or with each child. Children of that age have no concept of money or its worth.
For what it's worth though, children have so much "stuff" already. Won't all of your children get plenty of gifts from their parents and family? If it was me I would suggest no gifts for friends' children and instead spend money on your actual friend - you are friends with the adult not the child.

This. My best friend has 2 dc I have 1. Mine gets a 25 gift card. I get each of her the same.

I had a small gathering at my house for my LO just served cake. F1 did the same and F2 is planning the same so it’s not a massive party or anything.

I understand everyone saying gifts are for family only but unfortunately we are all in the same boat of having little or no family. Which is why we make the effort for each other and will continue to do so.
My family are abroad and would give a gift when we see them maybe once a year, my in laws are useless and are involved on and off when it suits them. They didn’t turn up to my LOs birthday gathering.

F2 has no living parents on either side. She has 1 sister that lives a few hours away and so they rarely see each other. Her husband is an only child.

F1 only has her father left and he’s in a care home for dementia, no siblings. Her MIL and SIL are active in her child’s life and would buy presents but it’s not as if there’s a load of presents coming from family for her either.

It’s honestly not the case of monitoring or checking how much was spent as I said I’m not looking up prices after and I don’t believe any of the others are. It’s more back to the initial understanding of the whole arrangement.

I’m going to go ahead with my plan of £20 per child and get them a voucher for a family day out. F1 will do what she believes is right and we will continue as we are

I don't buy for any of my friends kids, but have a similar situation with my sister. Her household is just her and her daughter, whereas we are a household of 4 (husband and 2 kids). She always buys for both myself and my husband at Christmas and birthdays and obviously buys for each of my children too. If she asks me what person x wants for Christmas/birthday I always suggest something max £15, but I try to spend double that on her and her daughter because I know she's paying out for presents for more people in our household. Same with my step-sister, we only exchange gifts for kids, but again she is buying for two of my kids but only has one herself, so I tend to spend more on her daughter than I ever suggest as presents ideas for my kids. I guess I am saying as F2 I would completely be OK with the £10 per child spend and thinking of F1, however you should though spend whatever you feel comfortable with and not be influenced by F1.

I would say £20 per kid especially if you can afford it, also if you both were to have a second kid the same would be spent on both of yours?

You don’t give to receive! I would spend the same on all the children. Just tell F1 that she can do as she pleases but you feel that you should spend the same on all the children, don’t let them force you to do something you don’t think is right!

All of your gift plan with your friends just sounds so very complicated & hard. Why not try to even scrap the gifts & just have a shared day with each other (kids playing etc), parents catching up as well.
As our kids get older you too may become amazed & simultaneously disheartened with the amount of plastic junk that accumulates in your kids toy boxes. Head that off now & stop the kids of friends gifts. Its irrelevant that your extended families are small too in my opinion.
Kids can have special days without gifts - a good idea to head that off before they become accustomed to them & expect them.

How do you know exactly what has been spent unless you are leaving price tag on or giving cash/vouchers? Depending where you shop the exact same gift could be £10 or £20, just buy something you think is nice in that range, children are never going to know and neither are the mums unless you are all making a point of giving the gift in John Lewis or home bargains bag to show where it came from?!

I'd just agree not to do gifts. So much easier. Go put for an experience together instead

Friend one sounds very controlling if she’s going to be annoyed by you not doing it the way she dictates. Such an intense friendship with someone who doesn’t respect that you are allowed to do things differently will not end well.

I would personally buy them something this year then ask the group not to bother with Christmas or birthdays going forward unless they are separately friends when they go to school and get invited to one another's parties. They will very likely all have more than one child in the future and all the present giving gets out of hand.

In my oldest group of friends we all gave one another things when our kids were born but didn't bother after that. Also one of the group didn't have kids but very much wanted them and tried for ages. We'd all be buying 16 presents a year if we'd kept up with all that.

I don’t think it’s right to spend less just because the child has a sibling. If it ever becomes a cost issue, then you reduce the amount for all the children.

I would your tell your friend that you’ll be spending around £20 on each child but she is free to make her own choices.

Some of my friends have no children, others have 2, 3 or 4, we still all spend around the same amount on all of them.

but I know if I do 2 gifts of £20 each F1 will get annoyed with me.

Why? Does she feel that if you spend more on a gift that the recipient (or the recipients parents) will like you more?
How will she even know?
I'm so glad I don't move in circles like this (either family or friends).

Anyone who queried how much I'd spent on a gift would be told to fuck right off on no uncertain terms, no matter how long I'd been friends with them for.

Tell your friend to look at sales so she can gift a £20 present for the cost of £10. So kids will have an equal value present and she will stay within her budget!

If these friends are your substitute family then I can understand why you want to gift to them. I'd just stick.to the £20 per child. The day out sounds a lovely gift. Leave other friend to do as she pleases. She doesn't get to make your decisions for you. Also if you or other friend has a second DC what happens then.

Surely you just buy what you want to buy as long as you can afford it and want to? Friend 2 can buy what she wants and what she can afford to. I don’t see Friend 2’s issue. It seems she’s being quite petty.

I think £10 between them really isn't much - what can you get for £5 these days?! However £20 is a lot more than £10! I would look for sales or good value items and get decent things that they want that add up to maybe £15ish. I would also say - while I do like the spending guide, what kids are into year on year, and what is on discount around their birthdays will change. I mean I guess how strict are you generally? Is something £20 on sale for £10 acceptable or not because it would look like you'd spent more? What about something for £10, that you got for £5? Only acceptable with another £5 worth of stuff, or acceptable because it looks like the right amount? Like if you are really strict then £10 between the kids, because £10 is what is being spent on the other families, but in reality I'd be flexible, it will balance out over the years.

My sister has 4 kids, & is single parent. Brother has 1. Both he & wife have well paid jobs (I have none). I get similarity priced presents for kids, but also send sister something to buy extras like clothes for them . She's very appreciative. Brother doesn't know, nor should he.

I don't know, I think the more kids someone has the less I spend per child. For example my brother and sil have four children, so the amount I can afford to spend per child has reduced with every additional child they've had.

I think that's okay.