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Original poster

Doesn't want our child more but wants full custody?

29 replies

oneanddonee · 20/01/2024 17:14

We've got a schedule in place for our 4 year old son. Exh sees him every other weekend. I keep Wednesday evenings open for him for the weekend he doesn't have him but he rarely takes this opportunity up due to his work commitments.

He recently got married and his new wife is very hands on with our son and that's good to hear however he has recently proposed our son lives with him and goes to primary school in their town and grows up there (40 mins away) I don't believe this is suitable as he's only turned 4 less than a week ago and has only known a life living with me. (We left when he was 2)

I offered meeting in the middle (imho) by offering more weekend time as he wants to see his dad more too but hading over full physical care to his dad feels like a change too big for a child this young. Even if our son loves time at his dad's.

Could I take this to mediation? Nursery have also told me our son would love more time with his dad and it's effecting his behaviour too. I'm not sure how to go about this. Please help.

OP posts:
Tarmacadamia · 20/01/2024 17:20

Eh?? You sound incredibly calm about the suggestion of basically losing your child!! If your son needs more time with his dad that's not on you to sort out, you're facilitating more contact but he can't be arsed. Obviously moving to live with his dad part time would be incredibly damaging, don't let it even be on the table.
Who moved away, you or him? 40 miles is too big a difference for 50/50 to work, but it sounds like you've always been primary carer so changing that seems utterly bonkers.

Raindancer411 · 20/01/2024 17:22

As @Tarmacadamia said. He has been living with you all this time and his dad couldn't be bothered to see him. It maybe the new wife is pushing for it, does she have any kids or is it a case of a ready made family?

I would keep offering the weekends and say he is to stay with you and go to school near you.

Quitelikeit · 20/01/2024 17:22

Not sure how nursery would know he wants more time with his dad?

A 4 yo should not even be thinking about that?!

Dont give your child up - you will regret it

Imagine going on to have more kids and then your ds coming over for contact and feeling like the outsider?

It’s a no from me!

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Families
pickledandpuzzled · 20/01/2024 17:23

Every other weekend is about right for a four year old who hasn’t lived with his dad in two years. Who does transport?

What about making it a longer weekend- Friday pick up to Monday drop off?

Resilience · 20/01/2024 17:26

Does XH's new wife have DC of her own?

I'd be concerned that he's spun her a line about how awful a mum you are and that if she doesn't have DC she's seeing herself as the fairy step mother. It's surprisingly common and means she's probably a naive but basically nice person. However, your XH will be delegating day-to-day parenting responsibilities to her in this kind of scenario, and since she is not your child's parent, he is better off with the status quo maintained. If they split up, what then?

Yes, go for mediation and keep raising the questions about who is going to be doing school runs, etc, while also pointing out XH doesn't make the most of the contact time opportunities he has now.

megletthesecond · 20/01/2024 17:26

So he's got another woman to take care of his son and he realises he would no longer have to pay maintenance? How nice for him.

It would be a no from me too.

cestlavielife · 20/01/2024 17:27

What exactly did nursery say? Sounds odd.

Would you be happy to see your son at weekends only?

WhamBamThankU · 20/01/2024 17:33

There are two threads about this. His suggestion is ridiculous.

Original poster
oneanddonee · 21/01/2024 17:00

@Tarmacadamia @Raindancer411 @Quitelikeit @pickledandpuzzled @Resilience @megletthesecond @cestlavielife

I've replied in the other thread I did too.

I appreciate the replies. I was ofc declining his offer for full custody, there's no way I could do that as my world would turn upside down. However, I have offered more weekend time for him if his reason is to spend more time with our son. To which he has declined, however our son would like more weekend time. The drop offs and picks ups are done by him, I split them in the summer holidays as we split holidays 50/50.

My question was could I take him to mediation as he's offered me what I consider a ridiculous offer but won't take up more weekends.

He says that he won't offer this again and that he will let our son know in the future that he "fought for him" I explained this switch around would be crazy as he's still so young so my answer is no & that we should extend weekend time or alternate months with 2 weekends and 3 weekends.

OP posts:
User1775 · 21/01/2024 17:16

The nursery needs changing for starters! Wtf are they talking about.

User1775 · 21/01/2024 17:18

I'd also add that a friend had this situation, then ex split with new gf and basically abandoned his 3dc that he'd 'fought for' and got 50/50 with.

ReflectiveRogue1001 · 21/01/2024 17:20

I agree with @Resilience , I suspect he's going to delegate the parenting to new gf

wutheringkites · 21/01/2024 17:24

This is a performance for his new wife so he doesn't look like a shit parent.

reallyworriedjobhunter · 21/01/2024 17:25

Was he abusive and manipulative when you were with him?

I'd be very concerned about the new gf being so keen to have a child that is not hers full time. Really really concerned.

HashtagShitShop · 21/01/2024 17:25

He knows there's no way you'd consider letting him go so he wins both ways and he gets brownie points with his wife for having tried. (if she believes that it was a possibility in a happy stable little boys life with a caring mother involved she's a d bloody idiot!)

KnittingKnewbie · 21/01/2024 17:30

I wouldn't enter into any discussion with him - or rather, I wouldn't be the one getting the ball rolling on mediation.
I would start keeping a diary of times he should have taken DS and did/didn't. I would keep everything by text/email so you have it. Screenshot/print everything in case he can delete
I would also change his name in my phone from "Fred" to his actual number so in the future in a court case there would be no doubt the messages came from him

People seem to think seeing a father is the be all and end all for DC but I personally think letting a man like him have more access is a bad thing

Doyoumind · 21/01/2024 17:32

He's already told you he's not serious as he can see the outcome will be he won't win. Why are you entertaining this as a serious suggestion? I agree it's performative.

Keep your offers of more time in writing and ignore the bit about him wanting residency. I don't think mediation will work here if he doesn't actually want more contact.

He can say all he wants when your DS is older but you will have the evidence to contradict him.

Original poster
oneanddonee · 21/01/2024 19:04

@User1775 the nursery contacted me a few weeks ago that our son was in the bathrooms crying for his dad on the bathroom floor.

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Original poster
oneanddonee · 21/01/2024 19:04

@wutheringkites @User1775 my worst fear is that! It's all to look like a good parent. Or to avoid maintenance

OP posts:
Original poster
oneanddonee · 21/01/2024 19:05

@reallyworriedjobhunter yes he was very manipulative and I suffered coercive control at his hands for 3 years. I left him summer 2022 and we went through courts for the current schedule we have in place.

There is an active non mol against him.

OP posts:
Original poster
oneanddonee · 21/01/2024 19:07

@KnittingKnewbie 1000000% I agree!!

My concern is exactly that. I may actually say to him should u wish to take your offer seriously and pursue it, take it to mediation. Or the answer is no & I've offered more weekend time.

OP posts:
Original poster
oneanddonee · 21/01/2024 19:08

@Doyoumind yes I think so too.

OP posts:
Needapadlockonmyfridge · 21/01/2024 19:08

oneanddonee · 21/01/2024 19:04

@wutheringkites @User1775 my worst fear is that! It's all to look like a good parent. Or to avoid maintenance

Sound like he is trying to do both!

He does sound like a prize arsehole.

Original poster
oneanddonee · 21/01/2024 19:12

@Needapadlockonmyfridge so im not the only one who sees this. Thank you.

OP posts:
EmailAddress · 21/01/2024 19:17

He doesn’t want custody or more time, it’s all performance. He knows you’d say no to full custody, but he can tell new wifey he tried and tell your kid in the future he asked and you said no.
he’s an arsehole.