Advice Please - Partners Kids and Holidays

[BETH673]

My (F44) partner (M39) and recently spoke about future breaks with the kids. He has two, M8 and F13, his DD is diagnosed ASD with violent behaviours at times. I have 1 (F9). We have been together less than a year, the kids have known each other about 6 months. My daughter is frightened of his daughter due to her violence and shouting.

DD and I have a break once a year to Butlins. I'm worried about how this will go now I have a partner with 2 kids.

Worries are:

1. Partners DD will become overwhelmed and ask to go home when 2 hours from her mums home.
2. Partners DD will become violent/ aggressive when there is limitations on space to facilitate calm time.
3. The whole experince will be stressful and distressing for my DD and partners DS.
4. I will be expected to finance the trip. Partner has more expenses and less income than me and his kids look to me for money.

Advice please. Relationship is good but in first year. Partners kids do not respond well to behaviour boundaries (no violence etc) or being told no when they ask me for money.

Don’t do it, you’ve already said that your daughter is frightened of her. You really need to think if this whole relationship is best for your daughter.

I wouldn’t make my dd go on holiday or spend time with someone she was scared of.
I would stick to separate holidays and just take my dd so she has a chance to enjoy the holiday.
It sounds like blending is a terrible idea. Not only is your dd scared of his but you’re being financially abused and treated like an ATM. 🚩 You should run.

It's still early days for your relationship, so now is a good time to put in some clear boundaries and set a precedent for the future.

You need to protect your DD from feeling scared or distressed. This may mean not moving in together and not going on holiday together.

You should not be spending money on someone else's kids, to the detriment of you and your DD. So no trips away unless your partner can afford to pay for himself and his kids.

These two point above are so reasonable that if your partner tries to convince you otherwise he's not a keeper.

Maybe you and your partner could go away just the two of you, you can have a little trip with your DD, and your partner can take his kids away separately if he wants to?

He needs to tell his kids to stop asking you for money. I'm shocked he hasn't already done this!

I’d be questioning more than this holiday if

1. My daughter was scared?!? How are you still with this man on that point alone?!?
2. You are already being looked at to pay for things…. Run run as fast as you can away

Definitely don't do it. You shouldn't have to fund it yourself and you should not put up with your daughter being scared. It's a no brainer. Go on holiday with your daughter as usual.

Why would your partner even be OK with you paying for his share...that's a red flag for me.

Nearly 6 years with my partner and we still holiday on our own with our kids. I really recommend it. We go away as a couple and that's great too. I feel I am putting my kids first and they are getting special time with me. We don't live together either.

Your relationship is not good.

It's fraught with difficulties and your children are already being negatively impacted. They shouldn't be scared of their mums boyfriend & his kids. Their home life should be a safe space.

Make better choices. Why on earth would you be preparing to financially support someone else's kids on holidays etc? Save that cash for your own!

Make better choices.

Holiday separately!
You could do some breaks just you and your partner if you can organize all the kids to be with their other parent (or perhaps with grandparents if your daughter doesn’t see her dad).

Why are you even thinking about shared holidays at this point? It’s abundantly obvious that it’s not a good idea.

I assume that you don’t live together. It sounds like that will not be a viable prospect while your children are still at home (which may potentially be a very long time).

Blending families where your DD is scared of your partner’s DD and distressed by her behaviour is a dreadful idea. I agree with others that you need to reconsider the relationship - at the very most, this should be a only-when-the-kids-are-with-their-other-parent relationship. Is that what you want from your life? If not, this is not the right relationship for you.

his kids look to me for money.
You've known him a year!!!
I'd be ending this, a definite cock lodger in the making!

The fact that your boyfriend and his children view you as a piggy bank is also an enormous red flag.

Spend your money on yourself and your DD. It’s not your job to pay for your partner because he has ‘more expenses’. 🙄

It seems to be a really common form of divorced dad cocklodgering. Find a woman to house and pay for you and your children - and take on the childcare and wife work too. But present it all as totally reasonable because he’s got increased expenses (I.e. maintenance payments).

Awful. Huge red flag.

Stop putting your relationship before your child. Your daughter is scared, she should never ever have to be around a violent teenager. End the relationship or see him when he or you don't have your children.

This is never going to work.

To clarify:
Partner could not be calmer and or kinder if he tried. He is a sweet sweet man. He is not financially abusive either. It's the kids that keep asking and he does support my boundaries with the kids. On that front it's ME that need to work on this. You can't spend money on one child and not the others when they are there. And my DD is an only child so would usually get treated more. This is a me issue.

I'm guessing most of you don't know what ASD is - Autism Spectrum Disorder. And partners DDs meltdowns are never directed at My DD. My daughter and I have a calm peaceful household so any kind of conflict is upsetting. My family have experince of Neurodiversity so she understands the difference between meltdowns and people chosing to be abusive. The situations are still exhausting and upsetting to manage. I can't imagine being a parent managing these behaviours (anger) for years. It must be heartbreaking and exhausting.

At present we rarely share parenting time, his children are usually separated in their visits as this reduces conflict between the two siblings. My DD and his DD actually get on well. My DD and his DS also get on well. They both respect my financial boundaries when they are not with their sibling.

I have no intention of having a partner move in with me any time soon. My daughter and I both love and need our space.

I'm a bit concerned how many people jumped to the abuse conclusion when I had mentioned ASD in the original post.

Live and learn, I should have put ASD in the title, it's my first post here.

You dont need to go on holidays with him, why would you let your child put up with this?

Actually I think lots of people here have experience of ND…it doesn’t minimise your responsibility to keep your daughter safe!!!

and you are you are the one who mentioned your daughter is scared and now in the light of day you are backtracking… this is not going to end well .., actively listen to your daughter before it’s too late

We know what ASD is. It doesn’t make it ok for your daughter to be scared and distressed. It doesn’t matter why the behaviour is problematic. It’s is. And you don’t need to force the children together.

it isn’t some sort of ablism to say that blending this family is inappropriate because the children’s needs are incompatible.

Also actually read the responses. No one is talking about abuse.

Edit: one post talks about financial abuse. And it’s in the light of you saying you feel the need to pay for his children.

But you aren’t going to listen. Your second post makes it clear that you’re more interested in presenting an image of being so inclusive and kind to a neurodiverse child that you intend to gaslight your daughter into believing she’s the problem for being scared and distressed, rather than just doing the sensible thing and seeing your boyfriend separately from the children.

Note: the problem here is not the autistic child. It’s the adults who will put their wants above the children’s needs.

Just go with your DD. You haven’t been with DP for that long for it to be a consideration. That will probably have to change in the future though if it ends up a LTR.

Actually a lot of people are.

And you should read you messages and think carefully about how they make someone asking for advice feel. This is supposed to be a supportive environment.

Sounds like it has disaster written all over it.
Personally I’d either say no, but that you will consider it for the future. Or agree but only on the proviso that you each have your own separate accommodation.

Personally I wouldn’t pay. I think if you pay you’ll start a precedent. I think it’s too early, way too early, to be bankrolling him and his kids.

The reply function doesn’t quote.

Lots of people are talking about subjecting your daughter to violence and shouting. They haven’t used the term abuse in relation to the autistic child.

Support doesn’t mean telling people what they want to hear.

Why are you in this relationship? I'm sorry but I would leave.