Advice Please - Partners Kids and Holidays

[BETH673]

My (F44) partner (M39) and recently spoke about future breaks with the kids. He has two, M8 and F13, his DD is diagnosed ASD with violent behaviours at times. I have 1 (F9). We have been together less than a year, the kids have known each other about 6 months. My daughter is frightened of his daughter due to her violence and shouting.

DD and I have a break once a year to Butlins. I'm worried about how this will go now I have a partner with 2 kids.

Worries are:

1. Partners DD will become overwhelmed and ask to go home when 2 hours from her mums home.
2. Partners DD will become violent/ aggressive when there is limitations on space to facilitate calm time.
3. The whole experince will be stressful and distressing for my DD and partners DS.
4. I will be expected to finance the trip. Partner has more expenses and less income than me and his kids look to me for money.

Advice please. Relationship is good but in first year. Partners kids do not respond well to behaviour boundaries (no violence etc) or being told no when they ask me for money.

Tbh, if you are feeling bad because I didn’t congratulate you for being so kind and inclusive… maybe ask yourself why.

Your daughter only has one mother. She doesn’t have to spend her holidays or other time with a child who has violent meltdowns that scare her. It suits you for her to do it.

I (and others) have seen enough posts on MN for it to be clear that an OP is simply determined to justify doing something they know is not in their child’s best interests. Especially when it’s about the parent having a new relationship.

The problem is your point 4. Why are you expected to pay for it all?
There are various ways you could set up a break - especially somewhere like Butlins, to accommodate 2 family groups. But from your own posts it's hard to see how you could go away successfully as one unit.

You've not been together long enough to be blending families on holiday. Even without the ASD thing it would be too soon. Just do butlins the 2 of you this year then deal with the issue in 2025 when tbh I still don't see the need to change.

My friends ASD son doesn't come on holiday with her every time but she is taking him on a trip alone. Without the step family element it's just doing what's right for the ASD child.

This^^
Theres loads of options for places where you could have your own family space, but spend periods of time together. That way everyone’s needs are met.

If his DD does end up being violent won’t that be a sign that she is distressed or not coping and would need her own space to calm? I can’t see who would benefit from all going away together (apart from your partner because it’s something he ‘wants’).

This is a supportive place. People are replying and supporting your DD in not having her holidays ruined by being forced into an unnecessary blending dynamic.

You posted, you know it’s a bad idea. Why so defensive in your updates?

Your boyfriend’s challenges are his to manage. His kids aren’t owed yours or your DD’s holiday time or money. He can pay for his own holidays.

Please don’t use your daughter as a way to virtue signal to your boyfriend or the world at large.

Wrong on so many levels.

Bore off troll. Go bully someone else. Or get counselling - with that kind anger directed and strangers you know nothing about - you need it.

You don’t holiday together - simple as that. It’s too soon, you’d be funding it all, and your DD would have a shit time.

In a couple more years, the sensible answer would be to book neighbouring accommodation - rather than squashing the children together and exposing your DD to violence.

More sensible would be to keep these trips as just for the two of you, for some protected time without your boyfriend around.

Why come on here asking for advice if you are just going to abuse people of being trolls when they don't support your limited perspective?

Your first responsibility is to your daughter. There's no rule that says you have to go on holiday with your partner, or even that you have to merge your families together at all. To do so, at the expense of your daughters safety and happiness seems very selfish to me.

Why oh why would you do that? It doesn’t sound very enjoyable to anyone including the older girl herself. I have teenagers with sn and we don’t/can’t go on holiday full stop unfortunately.

You obviously want a relationship with this man but you don’t have to holiday together and you definitely don’t have to pay.

If you're expected to finance it that's not a good relationship.

Thank you, I was worried about excluding partners kids but balancing everyone's needs felt impossible. Not been in a relationship with someone else with kids before.

Thank you. Not been in a relationship with someone else with kids before and balancing everyone's needs seems very hard at the moment.

Your week at Butlins is your treat and tradition with your Dd. Don’t change it just because you have a new man in your life, however lovely he is! Especially in the first year.

Just say it’s your tradition to have a Mum and add week, and go.

It’s not his fault he can’t afford it but it isn’t your duty to provide a holiday for him and his kids, either. Again, especially so early. It’s still a new relationship. And I am assuming you are not rolling in it. If you can stretch to paying for him and his kids why would you do that rather than, say, take your Dd abroad? Or on another treat? When (whatever the cause) she feels more comfortable not being with the other kids.

This is all waaaay too much this early in the relationship, OP.