Families without a car

[OctoblocksAssemble]

How do you manage?
I'm trying to learn to drive, I really am, but I'm a nervous wreak and sometimes I just don't see it happening. Been having lessons for 14 months now, auto, so I do have reason to be worried!
So, has anyone else managed life with kids and no car? We live in a city suburb, transport is OK but 75% percent of places are 40 minutes on a bus/10 minutes by car.
We have never been on holiday and my kids have never been to a sandy beach (and only once to any beach when Mil took us). The eldest is 7! Kids just seem to need so much stuff, and it's hard to carry without a car.
Sorry for being a bit melodramatic, just trying to convince myself that it won't be the end of the world for my kids if I never manage to pass.

We don’t have a car and it’s fine. We do live in London, though. We travel by bus, train, tube. We go abroad - just take the train to the airport. The DC did lots of activities, many of which were within walking distance.

OK, I take the point that I just haven't tried hard enough.
We've done lots of London day trips, because yes that's easy, but outside of London is much more daunting.
As is standard for desperate posters on MN, I have a DH problem. Suffice to say I'd be on my own for any trips. 2 kids. Yes, they can walk, but very slowly, and of course quite often the youngest will fall over/get tired and want to be carried. It's not a good area for cycling, there's a few cycle paths but long stretches just on the road too. Having a license would allow a career move that would double my earning potential, plus I'd get help from work with running costs.
I am utterly burned out and a crumbling mess on the inside. Just looking for a magic bullet I suppose to make life a bit easier, but I guess there isn't one.

My kids are grown up now. But I recently was unable to drive for medical reasons, so could not drive. It was then I found out how appalling public transport is in rural areas. The buses were alway late, so if you had an appointment you had to aim to get the bus before the bus that you would have actually needed. Our local hospital is only 9 miles away, but a staggering 1.5 hours travel away - a 1 mile walk plus two buses. I am pleased I can drive again, and hope you have a better experience of public transport than me. GL with your driving.

I don’t think anyone is suggesting you’re not trying OP! It sounds from your last post like you’d genuinely benefit a lot from getting your license. If I lived anywhere but London (or possible Birmingham or Manchester) I’d probably want a car too, even if I didn’t drive every day.

I don’t think anyone suggested you weren’t trying, I thought the responses were positive.
ive got two friends with children who don’t drive. One relies on her husband and they rarely venture far. The other is a single parent and plans and names the most of public transport. It’s hard when they’re young but I think to get the motivation to do it you need to look after yourself first, you sound really unhappy 🙁

As is standard for desperate posters on MN, I have a DH problem. Suffice to say I'd be on my own for any trips.

Because he doesn’t want to go out?

I started lessons when I was 17 and passed my test at 26. Over those years I had 5 different instructors but I changed or stopped for various reasons (instructor moved abroad or me having surgery). Finally took me being 30 weeks pregnant to finally go for it! How is your instructor? Are they right for you? I had one through AA and he was horrible, really nasty. I changed to a female private instructor and she was ace. Only 8 weeks with her and then passed. It could be the instructor not you. I do agree that having a car would make it a lot easier for you.

How do we manage?
Fairly easily honestly.
What you've never had you don't miss.
Just get the bus or the train.
Yes it probably will take longer to places but when you've done it all your life you're used to it.
I don't see it as a huge problem.
I mean by it's nature it's more restrictive. There will be some places I can't get to but most of the places I would go to I can get there by bus/train/walking.
And there's no car parking or buying of a car or insurance or car maintenance

Interesting that someone commented earlier that she drove and did loads but the people she knew that didn't drive just don't do as much.

I don't drive and think we go lots of places.
One time someone commented you get around a lot for someone who doesn't drive!
Just depends what you want to do

Bingo. He'll only go out if it's something he really wants to do. We took the kids to a play centre at Christmas, and he spent the entire time alternating between obvious boredom and horror at all the people coughing and sneezing (he has OCD).
He can't drive and doesn't want to.

I found driving easy but went to pieces in the tests- took 5 goes before I managed my nerves (drug aided). Get propranolol.

Do not give up, it’s a life skill to master. I am so pleased my parents insisted I continue. My mum learnt much later in life and she was also trapped with young kids, so she was passionate that I persevered.

In the interim I’d definitely look at organised trips for the summer and take taxis locally to anything you fancy.

Once you have passed your test ditch the useless DH.

@BellaTheDarkOverlord I'm on instructor 2 now. First was pretty awful, new lady is lovely by comparison but even she is starting to lose patience with me. Got 5 lessons left before my test, depending what happens I may try to find someone else after. The lack of test dates these days makes it extra stressful, 4-6 month wait. So they tell you to book the test before you're ready, and just try to make the grade in time. This test has already been moved back twice.
I am so very annoyed with myself that I find this so hard.

I have a 2 yo and I honestly would really struggle without my car. Both us adults have cars. We live close-ish to a main road in between one large town and one smaller town. I actually work in both. I sometimes have to drop DS off in the smaller town to his Nans before driving to work in the larger town as she doesn’t driver, depending on what DP is doing. I work evenings, each workplace (same
company) is 15 mins away in opposite directions. Toddler groups are in either town, the nearest supermarket absolutely is not walkable due to the roads but the drive is 5 mins. The nearest bus stop is by our local hospital a 15/20 min walk away. To walk to the train station would be over half an hour.

I’m 32 and only passed 2 years ago, I never wanted to drive, I hated lessons and am still a bit nervous but it’s completely changed my life, I love being able to chuck kids in the car and go anywhere we like. I did it for my kids and especially wanted to be able to drive for when they are older and out and about on their own, I want to be able to pick them up if they are stuck or if they ever need me I can always be there. Also things like having to rush kids to hospital is a hell of a lot easier with a car. I know your trying to convince yourself you can manage but after 14 months of lessons you must have spent a fortune so far, I think you should push through to your test as it seems you’ve already worked so hard to get where you are, it would be a shame to give up and honestly having a car is the best thing ever. We go to all different beaches in the summer time and I wouldn’t be able to take them to half these beautiful places without my car.

I don't drive. My husband does but at the moment only has a work van, so we don't have a car right now. I manage well without, but I live in a city where I can walk to supermarkets and local shops in less than 10 minutes, and we have the high street, quays, seaside, swimming pools, splash pools all within a 30 minute walk or short bus ride away. Google has been amazing with their maps as they help plan any journeys that are out of town and I've become a bit of an expert in public transport over the years. We have a park and ride a 15 minute walk away too so can get all 4 of us travel in and out of town all day for £4 as we just walk down and buy a ticket. We also have passes for the local attractions like the nearby Dockyard and local farms as they are all on easy bus routes, so try the make the most of what we have nearby. Trains are cheaper of you travel after 12 and you get 30% off if 3 or more of you buy tickets together.

We manage - my tips:

Keep "the bag" always packed - with snacks, water, change of clothes, any medication.

Accept that the bus will take longer and enjoy the ride - takes some books, play games - I actually really enjoy bus and train travel with my kids, I do have a licence so I have driven too when renting a car and I find that much less enjoyable

Just take a taxi sometimes - it is so much cheaper than owning a car

Loads of beaches are public transport accessible - Margate is a good one

Holidays are much easier TBH - taxi to the airport, taxi at the other end, stay somewhere central.

Me or my partner don't have a car and we get by just fine.

Depends where you live and where you need to get to. I need my car. Struggle without it. For example this afternoon I need to get my daughter to the orthodontist who has changed their appointment time last minute. I have to pick her up from school which would be a 10 minute drive/20-25 minute walk and then drive to the orthodontist in the next town which about half an hour. By bus we would be looking at a 45 minute drive I think and then a bit of a walk from the bust stop. Put the wait for the bus that only comes once every half an hour if we are lucky. So instead of me picking her up from school half an hour before her appointment I would likely need to pick her up 1-1.5 hours before. On days when I’d usually return her to school we could do the whole round trip with appointment in 1.5 hours but using me walking to the school then bus to appointment and bust back to school we’d need about 3 hours depending on bus times.

I drive to work and take a lot of stuff. There isn’t a bust direct to my place of work and I’d have a bit of a walk once I got off the bus to get into work. Depending on bus times my commute would be a couple of hours instead of 30 minutes in good traffic and just over an hour in bad traffic.

My ex learned to drive because of where he worked. He worked shifts 8-8/9-9/10-10. The bus from our house to the business park where he worked seem to stop from 6pm so when he wanted to get home he had to get a bust into the city and another bus out. Waiting between buses as the ones to ours are only half hourly and then they take an hour. When he finished at 10 he would walk through the door at midnight. And then need to chill out and go to bed and be back on for 10 then next morning. He managed to find lifts but then staff turnover was high so often people left. I used to pick him up when he started there but once we had our baby this wasn’t practical to be dragging baby out that late, especially in winter.

If you live where there’s good transport then you’re probably fine. As a student I travelled on trains with lots of baggage. Reserving seats would be a big thing. We don’t love far from the coast though and a half hour bus journey would get us there. I have my car or for holidays but mainly for general day to dayness.

We both drive and have one car which I use through the week as he has a works van for his job. It's very handy but it wouldn't be impossible for us to live without it. It is however owned outright, 20 tax a year, less than 300 insurance and the MOT has cost us about 200 the last couple of times that and the fact it is really economical with fuel means it's worth keeping. You don't need to have a big fancy car that costs a fortune.

I live in a city suburb with 2 kids and don't drive. I don't see why we'd need a car at all and don't miss it. My DH works most weekends so doesn't usually come out with us either. I prefer the train to all other transport methods. I use taxis occasionally too if otherwise we couldn't do the trip or it would take too long.

If the beach is on your mind in particular then there's a lot of UK beaches near a train station, the classic Victorian resorts tend to be ideal. I only ever have one 20 litre backpack for beach trips (and all day trips) so that I can stay on the move with the kids. Look in camping shops you can get really lightweight picnic blankets, towels and water bottles. We wear beach sandals so I'm not carrying separate pairs and take a lightweight change of clothes although the kids tend to stay in quick dry swim shorts and t-shirt if the weather is hot. In colder weather we wear wellies and kids wear waterproof trousers, plus a pack a spare pair. We usually buy food there for a beach trip so there's less to carry or we might eat on the train so I'm not carrying it when we arrive. I take a vacuum pack rollable plastic bag for wet clothes/swimwear and muslin towels. Then it's only really mini sun cream and hats that you need.

When we brought up our kids, most people did not have a car. When I was a kid, there were three cars on our road inc dad's
Our schools were ten minutes walk, primmary and junior
Dad worked
Mum did the daily local shops ten mins up and ten back and every Sat, mum and dad went on the bus for the big shop and carried it all back on the bus and the bus service in Bradford was nothing like what it is now

So people manage - cars cost a bomb, even cheaper ones if/when they go wrong.

You've made the right choice re automatic - but your first car even when learning do it in the smallest car you can get as its easier.

Trust me, 90% the drivers are like me - give plenty of time, a lot of time for L drivers and those displaying a P on their car.

If you can, try driving up and down striaght roads to build extra confidence and stick to areas you know well and work up from there

Factor in more time for walking/bus - use occasional taxis and even rarer not do things - that was mainly scoutes/guides in wales who had thing in places just couldn't reach affordably.

It has harder I think transitioning form pushchair before kids could carry a lot.

Our eldest was 4 end of reception (aug birthday) before she saw the beach and sea but that was as much money as transport and location - part of UK furthest from sea. However since there we get to beaches via trains fair bit - and many other places.

They are now teens and we still manage with no car and can navigate buses and trains on their own very well but we don't live in rural locations.

However I will say public transport is getting worse and more expensive so if you can get driving it will make life easier.

We live in fairly central London (zone 2), so we manage without a car and it doesn't stop us from going out where we want. I do all grocery shopping online and almost all non-grocery shopping online too. We take dcs to toddler groups and extracurriculars by walking, tube or Overground. I avoid buses though as I have a toddler in a buggy and there are only 2 spaces for a buggy on each bus. It's a pain carrying the buggy down stairs on the tube but we have a really lightweight buggy and I'm used to it. I'd find it more of a hassle to fold it up every time we got in a car.

There are a few situations when it would be more useful to have a car. Some journeys do take 50 mins by public transport and only 20 mins in the car. We generally just avoid those places and stick to things we can do easily by public transport, or if they're really worth going to, then it's just an occasional trip out once a year. Shops for big items like IKEA are out - we do an occasional trip by public transport for the small bits, and do an online shop or order in store to be delivered. But then a lot of stuff we've bought from there wouldn't fit into an ordinary car anyway.

We do loads of day trips by train but there are some which really need a car, or train+taxi. Taxis are awkward before age 4, because the car seats are big (after age 4 you can use a Trunki or Bubblebum which is quite portable).

Certain holidays are a pain - we've been to Cornwall and Wales and were very limited in where we could go (but we accepted it was that kind of holiday where we'd stay mostly in one place). We tend to do city breaks or towns with a decent rail connection, or go abroad. We've done camping but only in pre-erected tents/glancing or Eurocamp abroad. But I'm not really a camping kind of person.

One of DD's extracurricular classes is in a bit of London unreachable by tube, so it's a pain getting there (tube+bus+long walk up a hill). Almost all the other parents drive and it would definitely be nicer to drive it. I'm planning to learn to drive once I get a bit of child-free time once toddler is in pre-school, and that's a big motivating factor. I think a lot of parents would have given up going unless they drive (and it's possible to take classes in the same subject closer to home), but the teaching quality is so much better than elsewhere so it's worth it for me.

I went a few years without a car when my children were approx 8 and 11.
We managed ok, we walked and cycled. I used to hire a car out odd weekends so we could go on day trips, see family. But l won't lie, it was so much easier quicker, and more convenient once l managed to get another car, although because l hardly drove for several years l have lost my confidence when it comes to driving.

I do all grocery shopping online and almost all non-grocery shopping online too.

yes if on-line shopping hadn't been a thing last 18 years I think it would have been much harder to manage without a car.