To want to cancel these play dates

[HR313]

I've got two play dates arranged both on a Sunday one due next week and one in feb. The friends coming in feb we went to theirs the other week and reciprocating. The ones coming next week have invited themselves over and felt obliged as they want to see our new kitchen. Trouble is this family have a child with possible SEN and destroys everything in sight. When we’ve visited theirs the child has flooded the bathroom and has no concept of danger or ‘bad’ behaviour. I’m accepting of their needs but we’ve spent a lot on our new kitchen and don’t want the kids in and out of there where it could potentially be damaged. We are open plan and no way of blocking kitchen off.

I don’t like people coming over and it feels like a massive invasion of privacy, my own parents were the same and never had play dates - I want to be a different parent but struggling massively with this. I hate the mess that’s left behind etc. how do I cancel them without saying the usual ‘I’m so sorry I’m ill’ because they will want to rearrange. I’m not doing very well mentally at the moment and it’s already stressing me out. I realise I haven’t been able to set boundaries and say no but felt compelled that I had to say yes.

I’m sorry you had a sad and lonely childhood. Mine was ok, and I have a good relationship with my mum. My children adore her too.

My children go to school/afterschool clubs/nursery and toddler groups. They are very social. It is their house but I don’t want their house trashed. Me and my partner work hard to have a nice home for our children to live in, without it being wrecked by other people’s children.

General point about play dates - I hate hosting play dates too, but it's one of those things you sometimes have to suck up and get on with, like soft play! It's annoying having to clean up before and after but I do think it's a nice, sociable thing to do and it's nice when they get a bit older and can go and play at each others houses without you.

However, people should not invite themselves over to look at your kitchen... bit strange!

I'd arrange to meet at a park / the dreaded soft play on this occasion as you are struggling with your MH. But I think hosting play dates is generally a nice thing to do. I also love family parties including children now. Not to sound all #makingmemories, but it is a nice thing to look back on.

The kitchen isn't going to get irreparably damaged with one visit from a small child I wouldn't imagine either.

"I'm so sorry, my mental health really isn't up to having people in my home right now, it's really setting off my anxiety. I do want to see you though - do you mind if we do xxxx instead?"

Honestly, if they're friends they won't want to stress you out to that degree. If they get annoyed then they're arses anyway, and you can match their energy (if they don't consider your well-being then you no longer need to consider theirs).

No comment on the kid needed.

(I don't allow visitors).

I have a good friend with a small child who has wrecked several people's kitchens so far. And at least one garden, his mum's car, a fair amount of his school.... You've clearly not met a truly out of control child.

I had never ending playdates when my son was small,trying to be a good parent and keep him happy.Every time there was damage or mess of some kind.
I would meet up outwith the home if I were you.
Seeing the kitchen sounds like an excuse to start coming round to 'drop in'for a chat regularily.
Probably so they can let their kids run wild in someone elses home.
I may sound cynical,but I cant stand people inviting themselves over,or even worse,just turning up, and would not want to start it up as it definitely becomes a regular stopgap for some pushy people.

Or a babybel cheese

My children go to school/afterschool clubs/nursery and toddler groups. They are very social.

Do they go to other children's homes? That is a big part of being social and building friendships that are not limited to school and term time. When someone invites you into their home it is an expression of openness and willingness to let you see behind the scenes into their real life. Are you planning to prevent your children going on playdates? Or just not reciprocate?

Tell a white lie? You’re having work done/ painting type etc in the house so would rather not have people around right now, happy to meet in a playground/ their house though

That's not really fair.

OP has multiple reasons for not wanting to host the playdate. I imagine you're a great parent to your SEN child but it sounds as though this child's parents will allow them to be destructive.

Cancel, I wouldn’t want a badly behaved kid and ineffective parent in my house, like you I like to keep it nice. Sounds like your children have plenty social interaction so you’ll not be damaging them by cancelling!

Just say you are sick . I have a son with SN but he is well behaved . I'd never invite some friends over because they can't control their children . Too tricky if something gets broken !

Just cancel

You're the priority here, not them

this family have a child with possible SEN and destroys everything in sight. When we’ve visited theirs the child has flooded the bathroom

Absolutely no way I'd have this child and their ineffective parents near my brand new kitchen.

How about telling them a white lie - that you're not doing playdates at home any longer as a child has damaged your new kitchen while their parents weren't keeping a close enough eye on them.

I wouldn't use an excuse like your sick, having some painting done, etc, as that leaves it open for them to try and rearrange for a few weeks time.

I'm sure your children will prefer having a brand new shiny kitchen to having friends round to play.

I get that but unfortunately it's a common thing for SEN children to be excluded from play dates and parties. It happens all the time. Often for behaviour neither they or the parents can help. I'm not saying it's OP problem but it's just sad

This is not about your sen child!

This is about someone’s actual mental health. Stop with the guilt tripping and broken hearts.

If your child genuinely smashes up things, then the onus is on you to either ensure it doesn’t happen or organise stuff outside of other peoples homes.

Yeah I would just take charge of the situation and say let’s meet for a walk and you can get the grand tour of the kitchen first 😅 so that should hopefully limit any damage that can be done! I have friends who are forward like this in the way they arrange things and I just go along with it so I think if you’re bold enough in how you say it itl make it clear you aren’t up for them playing in your house

Cancel, please. These people have no right to destroy your beautiful home. Don't feel that politeness should mean other people's kids can trash your home.

If you allow your child to destroy everything, flood bathrooms, don't respect other peoples houses or property then surely it must not come as a surprise that people don't want to invite your family into their homes.

SEN doesn't equal destructive. They can be both of course but the reason OP doesn't want him in her house is because of the destruction not the SEN. I imagine a destructive NT child wouldn't be welcomed either.

What damage could be actually be done by a small child.

As I look in the crack in my ceiling and faint drawing on the door caused by one of our live wires. I assure you they can wreck your whole house 🤣

Personally I think you are too late to cancel the first. Say something has cropped up so you’ll need to leave the house at a certain time; so keep it to 1.5 or 2 hours max or suggest a walk as well. Ask the second to meet you in a park - coffees on you!

It is sad. But that doesn’t make it ok to guilt trip a random stranger on Mumsnet who’s said she has mental health struggles right now. She doesn’t have to allow a random child to trash her house as some kind of public service just because SEN is sad.

I don’t like people coming over and it feels like a massive invasion of privacy, my own parents were the same and never had play dates - I want to be a different parent but struggling massively with this. I hate the mess that’s left behind etc.

I’m sorry you had a sad and lonely childhood. Mine was ok, and I have a good relationship with my mum.

Well which is it OP? Do you want to be a different sort of parent to your own parents, or are you ok being the same and never having playdates?

Not hosting one particularly destructive child with ineffective parents (who invited themselves) is one thing and understandable. But it sounds like you want to cancel the February date too and basically never have anyone over?

I’ve had one particular friend and her children round a few times over the Christmas period already. I can’t cope right now with having the family who are due to come over next week round. The feb play date I could have over at a push as their children aren’t destructive and I am reciprocating after we visited their house the other week. After that I won’t be having anyone else round for a while as my mental health can’t take it.