Please help - I feel sick

[Buntington]

DD2 is 13 and through just going through her phone I have found out that she’s been having sex, maybe with more than one boy/man. What the fuck do I do?!

I knew that she’d kissed a couple of boys and had been on some dates, but it all seemed relatively innocent. I have a tracker app on her phone, Qustodio so I can keep an eye on what apps she’s using, her search history, etc., and I periodically check her phone (which she knows). Today I did a deep dive (especially in her photos/videos, included the deleted folder) and God, it’s grim.

She’s 13. 13. Fuck.

Please help - what do I do from here? I’m a single parent - DH died 3 years ago. Everyone tells me what an amazing job I’m doing with the girls, but this is a complete fuck up. My mum is dying - she’s very close to the end of her life and I’m really struggling with that. Now I don’t know how to help my daughter.

What do I do today - when I pick her up from school? What do I do about her access to devices, going out, etc? What do I do about the images/videos of her on the phone? How do I find out how old these boys/men are?

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

So sorry but I am just devastated and feel I’ve let her down so badly.

Please help me.

Ancient MNer, but haven’t posted for ages. Name changed because of the subject.

I’m so sorry to hear this OP - it must be truly devastating

I think the most important thing is to be there to talk to and support your daughter. You need to inform police as there is a risk she could have been groomed.

hold her. Love her. Support her.

Oh op so sorry to hear about all you’re going through. I would be honest with her and work to maintain a friendship- it’s so important that she trusts you at this age and that you don’t punish her but instead keep her safe. Accompany her to clinic for STI tests and I would be looking for more information about the other persons involved because this could be a legal issue imo. I would do my very best to encourage her to be open with you and be her best friend so she can talk to you as much as possible. Regardless of what happens with the sex - police or school safeguard etc; it would be a good idea to seek some counselling for both of you maybe together or/and separately to process this and help her have better boundaries and understand that 13 is too young for this and understand why she has done this behaviour. If she has been coerced it’s a whole other ball game and I would involve the police. I don’t know much about the law surrounding sex at 13 but this is the approach I would take. Wishing you the best of luck xxx

Ring NSPCC for advice? Email school and ask to speak to Safeguarding lead and possibly police will need to be involved at some point depending on ages of partners.

I would echo @babyproblems post. Sit down with your daughter in as calm a way as possible and say you are not angry, you just want to know what is happening. I would be very concerned about your daughters age, and particularly concerned if the boy/men in question are older.

Take her to the GP for contraception and STD testing. Then I would look at some sort of therapeutic intervention. It’s not normal for a 13 year old to be sexually active so you are treading a fine line here - you can’t go nuts as your DD will not confide in you but you can’t ignore or minimise deeply concerning behaviour.

I am sorry about your Mum, you have been through and are going through a lot

Might it be that you've misconstrued what's on her phone? She might have been sent stuff on social media - grim in itself but maybe not what you think.

I'd start by gently asking her about the photos first.

GP for contraception and STD test. Then you’ll have to keep much much much closer tabs on where she is. She’s 13, you really can’t take a relaxed ‘I’m here if you need me’ approach with this one. It will now be a case of keeping her away from any situation where this can happen again until she is of legal age. Check with the school that she’s been attending each and every lesson. Sorry you’ve had such a shock.

She can’t ‘support’ her daughter in having sex at 13, of course she shouldn’t go mad or shout etc but she needs protecting from herself at this age.

Sadly I definitely haven’t misconstrued what’s on her phone. There’s some pretty explicit stuff on there, whilst her face isn’t in full view, it’s clearly her.

I’m going to give the NSPCC a call in a minute - great advice, thank you.

She’s definitely in school when she should be - they’re quick off the mark to contact me when I’ve been late calling in for sickness, etc. I have the tracker app too, which I check each day.

One of my first thoughts was therapy for her as this clearly isn’t right, even if it was with a 13 year old boy (I’m 100% sure he/they are older).

I will always love and support her. I so badly need to protect her too. God. the thought of this happening is just so awful.

I'm so sorry, op. Do you know who the man is? I'd be calling the police and reporting him. Hopefully the police don't need to divulge to your daughter that it's you reporting it.

13 year olds can't consent - the police should take this very seriously.

First things first, note that it's good that you've discovered this, because you can help her, and I bet you'll do it in a brilliant mum way too.

Secondly, talk to her gently and ask her to visit a clinic, together if she's okay with it. Full STD testing.

When you're waiting for the results of that, tell her you love her no matter what, and tell her that you're ready to listen when she's ready to talk. Don't push that bit. Let her come to you.

Get rid to the tracker apps. They do not build trust. They just teach kids to hide stuff better.

Start having conversations about the legalities of sending nudes. Talk about the difficulties of getting nudes back after they are out there. Tell her people do stupid things, it's how you sort them out and deal with them after that matters.

Tell her that you need to take the phone to the police to check whether any crimes have been committed.

So sorry OP. I think diary thing is finding out who she has been with and how old they are as this will determine whether you need police involvement.

I won’t say a lot, but a handful of 13-14 year olds are sexually active. When I was at a middle class school in the early 2000s, there were a few girls that were sexually active at this age. Perhaps 3 or 4 in our year of 130. I’m willing to bet it’s more common now.

Anyway don’t panic, really the medical checks come first now to rule out pregnancy and STDs. Also bear in mind HPV - if girls catch it very young they can develop lesions before the screening even starts at 25. Has she had the vaccination? Make sure she has this.

I’ll go against the grain but I wouldn’t take the ‘best mate’ approach. Now I am not saying tell her off, don’t do that either. But she’s demonstrated she’s too immature to assert boundaries or make decisions to protect herself, so now you’ll do that for her until she’s old enough to give it a second go. I would tell her I’m not cross, but now there will be no more dates or meetings with boys. Just school and supervised activities like hobbies or time with friends while parents are around (and you’ve checked this).

Keep her doing nice therapeutic activities, sport, art, whatever. Take her for little treats. Just distract her and keep her doing age appropriate things while she works through it all.

I would swap her phone for a brick with a new number and give the Police (non emergency line) a call for advice. If the boys/men are older then I’d say she’s being groomed.
This isn’t the same as her having a boyfriend her age and starting to have sex younger than you’d like. She has been creating illegal sexual images of a minor barely a teenager (herself). And meeting god knows who god knows when. This is potentially really dangerous.

This is excellent advise and what I would do

This must have been an awful shock. In my experience, young people once they start having sex, don't stop having sex just because their parents tell them not to. Even keeping the most eagle of eyes on them doesn't stop them. Let's face it, she's not going to give up sex for craft projects. I think you must focus on keeping her safe, getting the HPV vaccine, getting her checked for STIs and focusing on contraception. Yes, of course she's too young to be having sex and shouldn't be having sex but the fact of the matter is that she is having sex and will likely continue to have sex. Two of the worst possible outcomes here is that she gets an STI and/or gets pregnant. I would at the very least make sure she is taking contraceptive measures rather than trying to extract some promise from her that she will never do it again. I would think that the pill plus condoms would be the best solution. Do you really think that giving her a brick phone is going to stop her having sex?

Young girls I think who don't value themselves or don't feel loved and secure do tend to have sex at inappropriately young ages. Does she miss her father a great deal? Is she close to her dying grandmother?

Of course, if she is being groomed by older boys I'd be seeing those off. It doesn't sound like she is being coerced from your description though. If they were significantly older, I'd want names and I would report them to the police.

If it's any consolation, my sons are in their early to mid twenties and what went on at their high school was eyebrow raising to say the least. I got told of pupils discussing threesomes in class and all sorts. In my own school days, our school had a reputation for lunchtime orgies. My friends and I just went home for lunch and watched the soap operas though our predecessors were obviously a wilder lot having sex on the flat roofs of the science block.

You have to get those images off her phone and talk to her about the risks of sending those out. I think it's actually illegal. I mean if she had any sense, she'd make sure she wasn't identifiable in them.

Yes, of course she's too young to be having sex and shouldn't be having sex but the fact of the matter is that she is having sex and will likely continue to have sex

Not if OP properly monitors where she is and puts an end to these ‘dates’ and unspecified meet ups with friends/boys. For God’s sake, she’s 13, just sitting back and letting her have sex ‘because she’ll do it anyway’ would be utterly shit parenting. If she was 15 and in a relationship (or what counts as a relationship at that age!) I would agree and reluctantly suggest contraception as well as talks about healthy boundaries. But this isn’t that. Let’s stop pretending parents have no control.

I think therapy is definitely a necessity. Has she not had any to help her with her father’s death? The fact that she has lost her dad is something that screams out at me. Looking for validation and love from a male figure in her life as she has sadly lost this?
I have a Dd of the same age and I’d be heartbroken and horrified.
Hopefully you can get through to her and get her the help she needs.

This must be devastating and I'm so sorry!

I would absolutely sit her down after school and tell her what you know and that you want to talk about it (in a calm way) as there's no point being angry as it will make her be defensive and unlikely to tell you anything. I'd then be taking her to the GP for a full STI check and contraception, as you can't 100% stop her from doing it but you can keep her safe. I would also be making sure that you always know her whereabouts, straight home after school and a curfew if she's out with friends.

Oh and I agree with the changing her phone to a brick, no smartphone! If she can't behave then she doesn't get those privileges!

I’m sorry OP, I know a little of that gut wrenching feeling - although my DD was 14. The police didn’t really take an interest although the boy was 17. I would imagine 13 is young enough though for more boxes to be ticked for action.

For goodness sake I’m not suggesting supporting her having sex.

she’s a child and I find it hard to believe there is not some form of coercion (even if it looks consensual). This child needs all the support her mother can give her (which the OP has already said she will do). I was abused as a child and I didn’t seek support as I thought I’d be blamed. If you really want to know my motives for suggesting support.

(sorry for the derail OP)

Heavy handed approach like taking her phone away and locking her up in the house will just build resentment. If it is an older person grooming her they will delight in being able to further drive a wedge between you two. You taking her phone away will make her hate you. They will give her a secret phone to use that you won’t even know about. I would go to the GP, and go see a child psychologist yourself for advice on what to do. Possibly go to the police too. But I would tread very carefully because you could easily lose her if you come down hard on her.

What’s been said already, but I wouldn’t swap out the phone as she’s likely to feel punished and that could make things worse? Just because she isn’t able to use a phone that doesn’t mean someone else won’t or that she will stop her behaviour.

I’d get some professional advice first but I would want to know who the boys/ men were, I would want names and or addresses. I would get the police involved if it is men. I wouldn’t tell her I was going to the police. But I would take advise first.

This must have been a nasty shock to you at an already stressful and upsetting time, you may need some support yourself. This is a lot to deal with.