Please help - I feel sick

[Buntington]

DD2 is 13 and through just going through her phone I have found out that she’s been having sex, maybe with more than one boy/man. What the fuck do I do?!

I knew that she’d kissed a couple of boys and had been on some dates, but it all seemed relatively innocent. I have a tracker app on her phone, Qustodio so I can keep an eye on what apps she’s using, her search history, etc., and I periodically check her phone (which she knows). Today I did a deep dive (especially in her photos/videos, included the deleted folder) and God, it’s grim.

She’s 13. 13. Fuck.

Please help - what do I do from here? I’m a single parent - DH died 3 years ago. Everyone tells me what an amazing job I’m doing with the girls, but this is a complete fuck up. My mum is dying - she’s very close to the end of her life and I’m really struggling with that. Now I don’t know how to help my daughter.

What do I do today - when I pick her up from school? What do I do about her access to devices, going out, etc? What do I do about the images/videos of her on the phone? How do I find out how old these boys/men are?

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

So sorry but I am just devastated and feel I’ve let her down so badly.

Please help me.

Even if it was consensual between them, with partner of similar age, this qualifies as sexual abuse. It's a safeguarding concern for both children. He has absolutely committed a crime and abused her. But something has gone badly wrong for the boy (assuming boy) to think this is okay. What is going on for him too? I know your concern is for your daughter and you probably want to hang him up from his testicles, but support needs to be put in place around both of them. You need to inform the school safeguarding lead, and also police. Peer on peer abuse is a massive deal, and it absolutely can look like consensual sex. Your daughter probably thinks it is. But the fact is that brains are not developed sufficiently at 13 to be able to grasp the full implications and to give informed consent.

How old are the males she has had sex with, or shared images with? If they are more than a couple of years older, or seem so, she is being groomed and exploited. She may be being exploited or pressured even if they are similar age to her but if they are older, definitely so. You need help with this. There are specialist child exploitation social workers and police these days who will open an assessment into what is going on and will work with you and your daughter to address the issues and towards safety.
I'd remain calm but take the phone off her now so that images or messages can't be deleted. Let her know you love her but you're concerned about her wellbeing and that you all need support with this issue, then phone the police and children's social care.
Do it tomorrow, don't delay as the males may tell her to delete messages/images and to deny that anything has happened.
I am a children's social worker by the way, and work with exploited children.

You’ve said you’re ringing the nspcc but here’s a page to read from them as well. This would now be termed ‘child sexual exploitation’, if the perpetrator is older than her, and possibly even when not much older. I’m sorry op, that she has experienced sexual abuse. Ignore comments like ‘if she can’t behave’. A child of 13 is not able to consent in an informed way, even if she thinks that she has. You have probably talked to her by now and know a bit more, and if she’s going to be open with you or more evasive. Sending strength - you’ve found out now and you can do lots to help her, but get professional help to help both of you navigate this.

https://www.nspcc.org.uk/what-is-child-abuse/types-of-abuse/child-sexual-exploitation/#reveals

Have you spoken to her about it? She might be hoping you find out

https://www.ceop.police.uk/Safety-Centre/

This is definitely worth a read. I would hope that they should help guide you, and support your daughter.

At 13, your parents knowing where you are all the time is normal, not a severe punishment. This should’ve been happening anyway. I find it depressing that so many posters think a 13 year old having sex a handful of times is a green light to stop parenting them and instead be some kind of ‘best mate’ who is just there for chats. Every time she has sex she is risking pregnancy, STDs and HPV and that doesn’t cease to be the case because she has lost her virginity. So the OP needs to stop this from happening. And that means only letting her go to activities which are monitored by trusted adults. The effect on her DD’s emotional state will be a lot worse if she allows it to continue and she becomes pregnant or contacts chlymidia/syphilis/warts.

Oh my goodness. Thank you all so much for your comments, support & advice. I don’t come on here very much anymore, but knew it’d be a great help.

I feel absolutely flattened. DD and I have had a long chat, which will be on-going. I was surprisingly calm, but I’m not convinced she was being 100% truthful with me. It seems there have been two boys, one in Y11 at the same school & the other is age unknown - I’m guessing 16-18. It’ll be easy to trace him (I have some very specific details).

We have agreed to really re-engage - I have definitely felt a distance recently, which now makes a lot of sense. She feels a bit lost I think and loss/bereavement plays a big part. There were moments tonight where she just felt so young - far younger than 13, when she often feels 13 going on 20.

I’m in a dilemma about what to do with her phone - she needs a phone as she gets public transport to/from school (which I have to pick her up from) and tomorrow we’re having to meet somewhere else - it’s something really important that I’m unable to cancel. I know without a doubt that if she has it, she will contact the latest boy and delete loads of stuff. So I need to figure out an alternative before I can get her a brick. Actually, I’ve made the decision that she can’t have it.

I’ve spoken to the NSPCC, who were just brilliant. They’ve referred to police and children’s services. The police did try and call this evening, but I missed it.

So, thank you all for your help and care. I will ask MNHQ to delete this thread in a little while, especially as the police will be involved.

So glad the chat went well OP. This DOESNT spell the end of your daughter’s chances! She can absolutely get back on the rails, and I imagine having somebody to protect her and enforce those boundaries will help her to feel secure. I hope you’re okay and get a good nights sleep after your shock today. 🍷

Well done OP. You do need to keep the phone for now, the police may need the photographs for evidence. Is there an old phone she can use in the meantime?

I would definitely find a way of not letting her have her phone back as there maybe be ‘evidence’ on there that is important not to lose. I’m really sorry you’re going through this.

I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. What an awful shock all of this must be. It sounds as if there has been lots of good advice but also wanted to suggest https://beaconhouse.org.uk/.

( CSA specialist therapist - if it does go to police and you feel therapy is a good fit, I’m happy to answer questions)

Oh goodness OP, what a day you’ve had. Ever so sorry to hear about your DH and Mum, sending you lots of well wishes.

I’m a secondary school teacher (though on mat leave atm) and if you thought it appropriate, you could have a sit down conversation with the school, especially if the year 11 is also a pupil. Schools have sexual health & relationships policies, and could also refer her to the school nurse (if there is one) or the pastoral team if she does want to chat about anything that’s going on.

Even though she’s under 16, she can still access free contraception from the NHS, and they keep it all very confidential unless they deem there’s imminent risk of exploitation (afaik!) Could you take her to the appointment and then wait outside? It might allow her to be more open with the doctor/pharmacist, and you can rest assured she would be taken seriously.

It sounds like you’ve done a fab job, and while the omissions will undoubtedly cause you concern, she clearly feels able to talk to you about this. I know when my mum found out I had had sex (at 17) I was mortified and shut her out completely. As a result, I made a lot of silly mistakes with my sexual health, and really took it for granted.

Wishing you a more peaceful day tomorrow OP! X

How has today been? How are you going?

Thanks for your check-ins 🙏🏼

DD is ok. She’s been fantastic. I’m exhausted, but ok too!

Well done - you’re such a caring mum.