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Original poster

My son’s Dad allows our child unlimited tablet use - is this lazy parenting

49 replies

Pinksparkles84 · 15/01/2024 07:31

My sons dad and I are separating and we have a 7 year old son together. We are currently going through the motions of separating and with me finding a new place to live (we currently live together but separately). My ex husband works Saturdays and we are arranging the childcare arrangements moving forward.

So yesterday I let my son spend the day with his dad as I had spent Saturday with my son. On Saturday I set a time limit on my sons tablet, so that he was only on it for a maximum of 2 hours. He played Minecraft and roblox. At this time I was tidying the house and trying to get some bits sorted at home. When the timer said there was only 10 minutes left, my son had a meltdown, slammed the tablet on the sofa and stomped upstairs. For the rest of the day, we went for a walk into our local town, did some imaginative play at home and watched a film together. My son has an Amazon tablet and you can set time limits on it to ensure he doesn’t go over the limit. I am always very conscious that my sons behaviour tends to get worse if he spends lots of time on it. We had my mums 60th birthday party and it was quite a late night.

Yesterday I was over at my parents house as we had some family over. I got back home about 2ish. When I got home my son was sat on the sofa on his tablet. I checked the Amazon time limits and it had been turned off. My ex had said that our son had been on it all morning. My ex alway has his tablet I’m watching sports or playing games. Many times when my ex has our son he just plonks him in front of his tablet and doesn’t engage with him. If I suggest turning off the tablet, my ex soon gets frustrated with our son and then just turns the tv on and tells him to watch a film. During lockdown, my ex was furloughed and I implemented an amount of time for my ex to do activities with our son, to keep him engaged. I find that this parenting style is incredibly lazy, as it allows my ex to sit on his arse playing on his tablet & ignoring our son. When we were together, I’d always make a point of us doing family time on a Sunday and a suggesting the park etc. i hate it when my son has a long time on his tablet. How can I ensure that my ex will spend quality time with our son when I move out. Do you think we should establish some kind of boundaries? Inherently I have always felt like had cop as I’m the one putting in boundaries, whereas my ex always think it’s the best way to ‘chill’ on a Sunday. He used to get annoyed with me when I was trying to get bits down and said told me to sit down and relax watching a film.

What are your views on this?

OP posts:
StragglyTinsel · 15/01/2024 07:35

You need to step back and remember that you are not in control of what your STBXH does or how he parents.

Look back at the language you use: you ‘let’ your son spend the day with his dad, for example.

You can’t define ‘quality time’ in your own terms and ‘ensure’ your ex follows your guidelines. You aren’t in charge of it.

You need to accept this. He’s going to parent your DS his way on his time and you don’t get a say in that.

musicalfrog · 15/01/2024 07:42

It's the path of least resistance and yes incredibly lazy.

TeddyBeans · 15/01/2024 07:46

This happens with my son every other weekend. Table, phone or PS5. As a result, every other Sunday night is a disaster because he hasn't burnt off enough energy, can't sleep and is ultimately a walking zombie for school Monday morning. There's nothing you can do about it though so try not to give it any headspace and just work out how you're going to deal with the fallout

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cheerfulsunday · 15/01/2024 07:49

It's extremely lazy parenting, it's worse than lazy, but there's nothing you can do about it especially when you move out.

Your son will love it for now and then he will look back and remember a disinterested father who'd rather look at a screen than him.

TheShellBeach · 15/01/2024 07:53

OP I understand where you're coming from with this, but unfortunately your cannot police what your ex does with his son. You'll be living apart soon anyway and you won't even be there.

If it isn't actively harmful, you need to let it go.

I suspect your son will try to get more screen time when he's with you as a result of this. Yes it's lazy parenting (on his dad's side) but there isn't anything you can do about it.

Theunamedcat · 15/01/2024 08:01

It's lazy and you can do fuck all about it my ex was the same then when ds kicked off he was like awww he doesn't want to leave daddy bless 😇 then ds kicked off and "broke" a controller (recollection may vary on that on) suddenly dad's xbox was off limits ds was less keen to spend time with dad and happier to come home after that

TheYearOfSmallThings · 15/01/2024 08:13

Yes, it is lazy parenting. But you need to recognise now that you can't control your ex's dubious parenting choices when your son is in his care, unless they are negligent or abusive, which too much screen time is not.

What I will say is that now your son is 7 he is probably interested in football or going to the skate park or seeing his friends on a weekend. I would get him involved with a team so he has matches, or get him a stunt scooter if he doesn't have one, or encourage him to ask to see his friends. You mentioned imaginative play and a movie and truthfully my son by age seven would have needed to do stuff outside the house and seen other people to keep him from wanting to go on his tablet.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 15/01/2024 08:15

Basically if your ex is just too lazy to think of activities, he might still haul himself off the sofa if your son is pushing for a specific and readily available activity.

cheerfulsunday · 15/01/2024 08:28

TheYearOfSmallThings · 15/01/2024 08:13

Yes, it is lazy parenting. But you need to recognise now that you can't control your ex's dubious parenting choices when your son is in his care, unless they are negligent or abusive, which too much screen time is not.

What I will say is that now your son is 7 he is probably interested in football or going to the skate park or seeing his friends on a weekend. I would get him involved with a team so he has matches, or get him a stunt scooter if he doesn't have one, or encourage him to ask to see his friends. You mentioned imaginative play and a movie and truthfully my son by age seven would have needed to do stuff outside the house and seen other people to keep him from wanting to go on his tablet.

This is really good advice, if Dad needs to take him to football/rugby/ whatever then that's a bit of structured time together.

Heather37231 · 15/01/2024 08:46

Also your ex should be involved in hosting or taking your son to play with friends. Groups playing in consoles is better than hours of solo tablet time, and a child will go to the park more readily with friends there than just a partner at that age. My son is same age and “imaginative play” is a thing of the past now. He gets a lot of screen time but a lot of it is playing 2 player games with his Dad though, and my DH is always looking for new games/channels for him that are puzzles or things to expand his horizons.

The most important thing is that they are talking eg how do they eat- at table with a chat or shoving food in their faces without talking? Though as said above you can’t dictate that really now. But at least if you know they are interacting over food and maybe going to an activity at some point In the day you can relax a bit about the screen time.

I always try to remember about weekend screen time that they have 5 full days at school learning so that balances it.

spearthatbroc · 15/01/2024 08:52

who will be the PR of your son ?

Unabletomitigate · 15/01/2024 09:53

You believe that screen time should be limited, why? What are your reason, do you have evidence? Can you explain to your childs father your reasons and show him your evidence?

I have a similar struggle with my husband. I read the research papers linking screen time and learning disorders, have a dim view of violence in video games, and know the value of time spent outside for development. My husband is not convinced, or rather not convinced enough not to let the kid vegetate in front of the TV when he is in charge.

However, I can only control my own actions. What he does is ultimately up to him. All I can do is voice my opinion and forward the relevant articles for him to read. And discuss it again.

BoohooWoohoo · 15/01/2024 10:02

You have no control over your ex’s parenting now that you’ve split. Your son will almost certainly be on screens during his time with dad and I’d be very worried that he’d allow late bedtimes and poor food choices like constant takeaways which are 2 things that often feature in lazy parenting.

2 hours is a decent chunk of tablet time and it will be easier to decrease that once the weather is better.

Nofilteritwonthelp · 15/01/2024 10:05

Yes lazy, and also detriment to your son. But I agree with PP, you can't control what he does so ignore it and don't let it get to you

NoCloudsAllowed · 15/01/2024 10:09

When you live separately, if your ex has DS in day and overnight, this will bite him on the bum - my DC would happily have endless screen time but then once it's off, their behaviour is awful due to pent up energy and whatever it is the screens do to their brains.

Over time it will also mean your ex isn't building a close bond with your son.

It might be that your ex is just a bit depressed and struggling with break up, when you separate and the dust settles he might step up more?

You need to recognise what is within and outside of your control.

Potentialmadcatlady · 15/01/2024 10:12

You can’t. Simple as that.

AyeRightYeAre · 15/01/2024 10:26

Now that you are separate it's no longer for you to 'let' or 'implement' or 'ensure' he parents in the same way as you do.

Iwishiwasasilentnight · 15/01/2024 10:28

Yes it’s lazy parenting but that’s your ex decision about what he wants your to do when he’s in charge.

ManchesterLu · 15/01/2024 10:32

I think it is lazy, yes, BUT it's nothing to do with you how he parents, unless he's causing your child harm - which he isn't.

LollyPopLouie · 15/01/2024 10:35

I feel you. My 6 year old sits on the couch and watches TV when he's with his dad. Fortunately he doesn't go there that much.

Original poster
Pinksparkles84 · 15/01/2024 12:17

I’m glad I’m not the only one! I think maybe I’m trying to control the narrative too much and in fact I can’t police his time his Dad. Like others have said it’s up to him what he wants to do with our son on his watch and I need to let it go.

Unfortunately STBXH has never taken him out to meet with his friends and their children as he hasn’t maintained any friendships over the past few years. He never got involved in taking DS to kids parties and when I asked him to take our son swimming once, he took DS, got the hump with DS and gave up as he was having a paddy because he couldn’t put his swimming hat on!
I’ve tried encouraging him to meet with friends when things were better with us. Before we go our separate ways I might suggest things he can do with DS. However, he would probably take him to his parents, so at least DS would be getting some quality time with grandparents (they do a lot with DS).

Thankfully I see my sister and brother a lot and they have their children who are similar ages to my son. I also try and regularly meet up with friends with their children so he gets to play with other kids (also being an only child it’s more difficult to not rely on the tablet). I like the suggestion about getting him into something new. He got roller skates for Christmas so I will try and get him out at some skate parks soon. At least that balances out the lazy parenting style.

it’s just hard as I’m a bit dubious about games such as roblox with the chat facility but I guess there is a way of turning it off. our son recently said he wanted to play Fortnite which I said an outright no to!

OP posts:
Heather37231 · 15/01/2024 12:29

Doesn’t he spend time with his school friends outside school? At 7 I find my son will discuss meeting up with a friend while in class then ask us to arrange it, so having the child over or taking him to their house. That will now be partly your husband’s responsibility.

spearthatbroc · 15/01/2024 15:36

are you moving out with your DS or will PR be with your ex?

spearthatbroc · 15/01/2024 15:38

Heather37231 · 15/01/2024 12:29

Doesn’t he spend time with his school friends outside school? At 7 I find my son will discuss meeting up with a friend while in class then ask us to arrange it, so having the child over or taking him to their house. That will now be partly your husband’s responsibility.

Edited

yes this

what about his friends? rather than children of your friends

spearthatbroc · 15/01/2024 15:44

So he was always exactly like this
and now you’re surprised he hasn’t done a 180?

Ex could have lied and said he did other stuff with his DS. He didn’t. He said he had the morning on screen.

35 years ago… most of us spent the morning in front of TV! A chilled morning with his day, even if every sunday morning, isn’t the end of the world.

my ex is more lax than me about everything and i silently think a bit too lax sometimes BUT i see it as a nice positive that our children get a blend of parenting.