Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

My son’s Dad allows our child unlimited tablet use - is this lazy parenting

49 replies

Pinksparkles84 · 15/01/2024 07:31

My sons dad and I are separating and we have a 7 year old son together. We are currently going through the motions of separating and with me finding a new place to live (we currently live together but separately). My ex husband works Saturdays and we are arranging the childcare arrangements moving forward.

So yesterday I let my son spend the day with his dad as I had spent Saturday with my son. On Saturday I set a time limit on my sons tablet, so that he was only on it for a maximum of 2 hours. He played Minecraft and roblox. At this time I was tidying the house and trying to get some bits sorted at home. When the timer said there was only 10 minutes left, my son had a meltdown, slammed the tablet on the sofa and stomped upstairs. For the rest of the day, we went for a walk into our local town, did some imaginative play at home and watched a film together. My son has an Amazon tablet and you can set time limits on it to ensure he doesn’t go over the limit. I am always very conscious that my sons behaviour tends to get worse if he spends lots of time on it. We had my mums 60th birthday party and it was quite a late night.

Yesterday I was over at my parents house as we had some family over. I got back home about 2ish. When I got home my son was sat on the sofa on his tablet. I checked the Amazon time limits and it had been turned off. My ex had said that our son had been on it all morning. My ex alway has his tablet I’m watching sports or playing games. Many times when my ex has our son he just plonks him in front of his tablet and doesn’t engage with him. If I suggest turning off the tablet, my ex soon gets frustrated with our son and then just turns the tv on and tells him to watch a film. During lockdown, my ex was furloughed and I implemented an amount of time for my ex to do activities with our son, to keep him engaged. I find that this parenting style is incredibly lazy, as it allows my ex to sit on his arse playing on his tablet & ignoring our son. When we were together, I’d always make a point of us doing family time on a Sunday and a suggesting the park etc. i hate it when my son has a long time on his tablet. How can I ensure that my ex will spend quality time with our son when I move out. Do you think we should establish some kind of boundaries? Inherently I have always felt like had cop as I’m the one putting in boundaries, whereas my ex always think it’s the best way to ‘chill’ on a Sunday. He used to get annoyed with me when I was trying to get bits down and said told me to sit down and relax watching a film.

What are your views on this?

OP posts:
DNo · 15/01/2024 16:17

I understand you don't like it but how would you feel if your husband said he doesn't like his son being out late at a family party like you took him to? It's the same thing. You can't control how the present parent will implement rules, you have to let it go as long as its not dangerous or neglectful, which while this is lazy, is neither of those things.

celticprincess · 15/01/2024 16:31

I was always a point blank no for Fortnite, but had to give in eventually during lockdown. DD wanted to play with her friends and that’s what they were playing (and Roblox). Then ex DH started playing with her and said she had a real taken and was beating him and his friends. He would have people round and they’d play together. I’m not massively into violent games but the concept of Fortnite is a bit more comedy.

Also think OP misunderstood when PP mentioned meeting up with friends. Suggesting the ex meets up with friends of the son was what PP meant I think. My ex has hosted some of my Dads friends over for tea and taken them out to places. Probably more than I’ve had people round.!! lol.

Screentime can’t be policed for ex. Mine spent more time at his than mine on tablet. Now they’re teens and have phones they hardly go to his but spend time on devices without limits now. Youngest prefers to go out and meet friends but often they’re on group chats whilst they do their makeup/draw/do homework etc. often play games too together. Mine spend a lot of time at extra curricular activities so I’m not too fussed about screens when they’re home. When I’m home I sometimes just want to binge a box set and scroll !

My ex flits between exciting weekends and then weekends where they literally do nothing - he gets the to help him tidy the house!! Soon my youngest won’t want to go as she will want to see her friends and he lives a bit further in another town. Eldest is not bothered as she doesn’t meet people - autistic.

Original poster
Pinksparkles84 · 15/01/2024 16:35

Our DS has said a few times about having some play dates with his school friends, so I will start trying to encourage him to see friends outside of school. He is very close to one friend (he said that he married her and gave her a haribo ring 🥰) and has started mentioning other children in his class he’s becoming friendly with. Maybe my ex can accommodate a play date sometime! (Although DS friend knocked on the door not long ago as they lived next door and I was about to go out for a walk - I asked ex at the time if he would mind watching DS and his friend whilst I popped out but ex got angry and said that I should stay home). We shall see!

I’ll be the one with PR and we will probably do more of a 60/40 split with childcare. Although ex does work Saturdays so that might be difficult if he can’t get the time off work. I think I will just let him do his thing with DS and I’ll do my own thing.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
spearthatbroc · 15/01/2024 16:36

He is 7 and he has never had or been on a play date?

spearthatbroc · 15/01/2024 16:36

Our DS has said a few times about having some play dates with his school friends,

and…. have you not progressed?

spearthatbroc · 15/01/2024 16:37

Maybe my ex can accommodate a play date sometime!

and you!

AyeRightYeAre · 15/01/2024 16:38

I’ll be the one with PR

You both have PR. Parental responsibility doesn't change no matter how much time is spent with each parent.

spearthatbroc · 15/01/2024 16:39

AyeRightYeAre · 15/01/2024 16:38

I’ll be the one with PR

You both have PR. Parental responsibility doesn't change no matter how much time is spent with each parent.

Primary Residency

Singleandproud · 15/01/2024 16:43

It is lazy parenting however, you need to step back. Its hard to do but when separating you have to let go. What DS does on his dad's time is between the two of them and whatever he does during your time is between you and DS. With the exception of actual physical harm warranting SS involvement You don't have any say and if you do try to put your rules in places Ex is likely just to butt against it and do it more to annoy you. Your son will just grow up having very different experiences depending on whose house he is at, which is normal. You might choose to have more screen free time at your house to compensate for your Ex's excess

MimiDou · 15/01/2024 16:51

Could your DS join a sport activity in Sunday that your ex would agree too? So at least he will be outdoors and consuming energy ..

Ponderingwindow · 15/01/2024 16:54

You can’t control his parenting time.

you can suggest your son enrolls in some sort of activity that happens to overlap with both your parenting time and his parenting time.

as for the actual screen time, this is a battle I fought with my own DH for years. He and I had very different definitions of reasonable limits. Ultimately he won because it turned out our child was ND and screen time was an effective way of allowing her to decompress from high anxiety episodes. We worked with a therapist and for other techniques in place too, but sometimes screen time is just the best choice. That it has been so vilified is really unfair.

If your son is going to be on screens with his dad, what I would do is try to after your child to more active pursuits instead of passive ones. Playing games and doing puzzles is better than watching short videos.

Original poster
Pinksparkles84 · 15/01/2024 16:57

Sorry I should have clarified, DS has had many play dates, just some with family friends with children (and cousins) but also school friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinksparkles84 · 15/01/2024 17:03

He also does after school clubs, drama and tennis at the weekends which I take him to (as I work 32 hours a week). I like the idea of overlapping activities with my ex. I had a difficult time last year with my MH and so I wasn’t doing as much with our son (left it to my ex but I think that’s where the increased use of the tablet came in), but definitely making up for it nowadays.

I think the issue with screen time is one which all of us have to deal with by the sounds of it, so I think I’ll just let him do what he wants when his dad has him.

sorry, I’m still getting used to the lingo on here. But I’m finding Mumsnet great for feedback and suggestions!

OP posts:
spearthatbroc · 15/01/2024 17:09

Pinksparkles84 · 15/01/2024 16:57

Sorry I should have clarified, DS has had many play dates, just some with family friends with children (and cousins) but also school friends.

that certainly isn’t how you conveyed up thread!

museumum · 15/01/2024 17:10

My friend who is in good terms with her similar ex signed her son up for football on “his days” with his agreement. He now takes him every week and I think finds that easier than arranging play dates etc each week.

spearthatbroc · 15/01/2024 17:11

He also does after school clubs, drama and tennis at the weekends which I take him to

and sees family lots

bloody hell OP… let him have the chilled time with his dad

will all the clubs continue with dad?

Original poster
Pinksparkles84 · 15/01/2024 17:16

and sees family lots

bloody hell OP… let him have the chilled time with his dad

will all the clubs continue with dad?

😂 point noted! We’re finding it’s not quite the right time of year for tennis, so we’ll stop that one for the minute. This is definitely giving me food for thought and making me feel better for sharing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinksparkles84 · 15/01/2024 17:17

that certainly isn’t how you conveyed up thread!

🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinksparkles84 · 15/01/2024 17:20

as for the actual screen time, this is a battle I fought with my own DH for years. He and I had very different definitions of reasonable limits. Ultimately he won because it turned out our child was ND and screen time was an effective way of allowing her to decompress from high anxiety episodes. We worked with a therapist and for other techniques in place too, but sometimes screen time is just the best choice. That it has been so vilified is really unfair.
**
If your son is going to be on screens with his dad, what I would do is try to after your child to more active pursuits instead of passive ones. Playing games and doing puzzles is better than watching short videos.

oh wow that’s really interesting to read about the ND. I’m glad she was helped.

puzzles and games sound good. I’ve started playing a board game with him before bed to try and wind DS down before bed. He’s showing an interest in chess, so maybe that’s one activity for the future.

OP posts:
paddlinglikecrazy · 15/01/2024 18:42

Does he like sport ? Could he join a weekend sports team that you take him to on your week and ex on his week ?
football team with a game every Sunday morning would at least give him an activity for a couple of hours ? Something to at least burn some energy so he sleeps.

stichguru · 15/01/2024 21:28

You can't police your son's time with your ex and you shouldn't try unless he is doing something which is actually hurting your son.

Whatstheword21 · 15/01/2024 21:47

He’s lazy and will never change - this is why you’re leaving and good for you! Your son will soon learn who spends the valuable time with him so try not to worry x

Stormyweathr · 16/01/2024 10:14

Both parents if on the birth certificate have Pr despite what living arrangements are

spearthatbroc · 16/01/2024 10:21

Stormyweathr · 16/01/2024 10:14

Both parents if on the birth certificate have Pr despite what living arrangements are

Primary Residency

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread