DC15 - help with boundaries, not talking yo me for 6 days now

[Allwelcone]

...because apparently I didn't stop the family being rude and teasing them when they were 11. Yup 5 yes ago.

(DC is non binary but female at birth, we have stuck by and supported thar step)
I'm now being blanked and they are refusing to come and sit with us (dh, me, ds17 and ds13) for the evening meal, the one time we all are together.

Things had been great recently, but then ds17 laid in to them for "being a dick" for having loud music playing at headphones at evening meal, andsadid their attitude is disrespectful generally. All of which is true sadly eg running off 5 mins into the meal, rude replies etc.

Unfortunately I was knackered and poorly and didn't intervene as quickly as maybe I should. Dc15 ran off in humiliation.
So what xan I do? Anything? Nothing? All ideas welcome. I've asked if we can be friendly again and told them they are loved and appreciated. They cried and said they don't feel like they belong in this family.

Thanks for reading, if you have been.

They need therapy. Choose wisely. You wont win. You were supportive over the non-binary so they didnt get their drama need met then, so it will be a craving for a new drama. Antagonising people so they can create drama, like the music, being ignorant.

ignoring you isnt acceptable. Put a consequence in place. Very calmly and rationally. Or they will continue to escalate until they get the dramatic reaction they are after.

Do you think they are right, were they teased when they were 11?

It sounds like they are struggling generally.

I've had teenagers who were struggling and my ExH used to lay into them at meals (they spent the rest of the time as far away from him as possible).

Maybe if you speak to everyone about agreeing the mealtimes are social occasions and not times to call people out?

Are they neurotypical?

This is the sort of behaviour Id expect from my autistic teen dd.

That sounds so tough. It sounds like you were able to connect when you told them they were loved and appreciate and they cried. Maybe if you can connect again like that and tease it out a bit more.....could take a long time and they might say lots of things that you don't agree with but don't react negatively .... perhaps they need a non judgemental listening ear . It's hard being different.
I always think of my mother in law. Sadly dead now....she had several children and a couple of them in particular are very sensitive and highly strung and took offense regularly and would vent at her even as adults....she would listen patiently and agree that she'd done all these terrible (really not terrible just normal parenting mistakes!) things when they were young and eventually they had it all off their chests and calmed down. She had the patience of a saint and never reacted just nodded calmly and agreed. It seemed to diffuse things. She never took offense. Hopefully someone else will give you advice which may be better but didn't want to read and run xx

Identifying as NB can be a symptom of many things. There’s some very compassionate and neutral podcasts on Gender: A Wider Lens. Have a look at their early podcasts, there’s some that deal with identities and adolescence that might help.

They sound like they feel ostracised & misunderstood & I wouldn’t be jumping to impose sanctions on them to be honest. Also agree with pp that it reminds me of neurodiverse behaviour (as does identifying as trans/ non binary).

Thank you so much for replying everyone. @ArnieLinson what kind of consequences should I suggest? We can't really police Internet access at this stage, I could remove the only activity they actually enjoy? Or something like dinner money so stuck on packed lunches.

@LightSwerve I do think we hurt their feelings by some (very gentle) teasing. I went after them to say sorry. Minimal resilience, not very confident sadly.
We adjusted our approach and been a lot less full on. I have found them very hard to handle since year dot.

@Octavia64 yes I have told ds17 that calling people out in public, and unkindly, is not great, and tild him firmly to leave the parenting to us.

@Mumof3onetwothree wise mil, yes I nodded and did active mon judgemental listening - I did a course a few years back- this morning and that's when they opened up.

@PotatoPrimo thanks I will liste.

@Whatsthestorynow yes that's my feeling too. Although it's tempting....

At one point I had 6 dc (4 teens) under the roof.. Moods and drama aside meal time they knew the expectation was we ate together with no bitching... For the reward of knowing the WiFi password you should instill this also.
Imo.

I do have a gp appointment coming up with them about another matter. Maybe I can remind them I'm in their corner. Maybe even discuss raising how to investigate possible ND diagnosis (there's a lot of ADHD in the family)

@Snowydaysfaraway and I guess I'd like to impart that however a teen is feeling you have to learn how to rub along in a socially acceptable way with your family for 30 mins a night.
But I think I might have some shit to shovel first, need to listen to what their issues are.

I think reminding them you’re in their corner is totally the right thing @Allwelcone. I think if you come down too hard on them you risk alienating them more (just my opinion). I only have one DD that is autistic (& not a teen yet) but she is incredibly sensitive to any sort of teasing & often feels everyone is against her. Like I say I’ve no idea how ‘normal’ this is as I have nothing to compare it to but she’s also very difficult to parent & extremely sensitive. It’s hard so you have my sympathies!

This ^

Those

Girls often go undiagnosed or are diagnosed with anxiety instead of ASD/ADHD. The feeling like they don’t fit with the family, that they don’t fit in with their birth gender, can be part of feeling ‘different’ to other people.

This is a good way to phrase it. Change the wifi password.

and i would absofuckinlutely be controlling internet access.

Go easy on the 17 yo, they're watching their sibling be rude to you, ignore you and generally be unpleasant to the whole family with no repercussions. It must be horribly frustrating.

I realise you don't want to come down hard but hard fact is you are the parent. At one point 1 of mine stayed with exh. For a year Allowed parties and drugs at 14...then he told me himself he needed boundaries and an actual parent... Absolutely turned his life around and joined the army.
Tough love is a thing.

So you're happy to tell the 17yo off for pulling their sibling up for being rude and disrespectful, but the one who is rude and disrespectful gets you running after them to apologise because they're sulking their appalling behaviour was acknowledged?

@Whatsthestorynow sounds loke we're in similar boats. I've been in denial, been grey-rocking, pasting a smile on my face, looking out for them, taking opportunities for connecting when they come along.
@ArnieLinson i do appreciate your time to input but I feel this would be treating the outer behaviour, not stepping up to look at the root cause iyswim?
@SkyFullofLights yes I do agree. He's doing his own growing after all!

@Snowydaysfaraway I havnt let dc15 get away with much tbh, I think I have mentioned I've grey rocked and smiled my way through. They feel like shit, I think that's quote a lot of punishment in itself.

I was thinking this. It must be hard for them to sit an watch the behaviour and not see any repercussions.
I mean maybe the 17 year old might of done you a favour and gave them the telling off they need, I don’t know?