Please tell me 4 children is too many?!

[3boysandadog23]

I recently got pregnant unexpectedly with my 4th, long story short, we decided to terminate the pregnancy, mainly due to my husband thinking 4 would be too much for us and also at the time it was thought that my sister’s husband had terminal cancer and I would have to be giving her a lot of support with her 4 young children.

like im sure a lot of people do, I'm now regretting terminating the pregnancy… but 4 is a lot of children isn’t it? And I worry about its effect on my 3 already (6,5 and 2), who I already feel I can’t give all the attention they deserve. Basically, I’m after people telling me that sticking to 3 is the better idea….

Yes it's a lot. I had four under seven when my fourth was born and I actually think it ruined my mental and physical health trying to cope over the years working a demanding job around my husband's hours. I don't remember a lot of the early years and they certainly weren't enjoyable. Of course they are all fine and grown up now but if I had my time again I wouldn't do it again much as I love them all dearly.

OP is distressed and asking for support, @Bbq1. She hasn't posted on AIBU. It's not about agree or disagree.

It is normal to question whether you did the right thing, but you knew it then and you know it now deep down. You wouldn't have done it otherwise. Sorry you went through this, it's awful and a lot to carry essentially on your own but it will pass, and you're not alone. Thousands of us have been in the same boat and are fine now , you will be too💐

I'm so sorry, that sounds hard. I always wanted 4, and then got to 3 and while I absolutely love having 3, I had to accept 4 just wouldn't work. Mine are the same ages pretty much as yours. Adding a newborn into my current mix (my youngest is also 2) would probably send me over the edge tbh. If I got pregnant unexpectedly I would have to terminate, and I know both that it would be 100% the right thing but also that it would knock me for six.

Please be kind to yourself. 3 is a WONDERFUL family size - big enough to be joyously chaotically, not so big there's no space to relax and enjoy it.

You did the right thing 💐

I have 4 and I only manage because of the age gaps and different abilities so there's less fighting for attention etc, but in your shoes and your DC ages it would be unenjoyable and you deserve to enjoy your children and they deserve to be enjoyed.

You did what was best for your family and you need to stop beating yourself up now. It was a decision made with your DC in mind and this is where you need to be as strong as possible with ensuring the grief doesn't overwhelm and consume you.
Even with my spaced out bunch, whilst it's not difficult in the way of 4 all needing me at once in the same intensity if they were all closer in age, its still very busy and constant to make sure everyone gets what they need and I cannot stress enough your choice was correct. I'm sorry grief is so utterly rubbish x

A friend of mine has 4. She had 3 and wanted a 4th. Husband agreed, she then hesitated for a few years then had the 4th. She loves her 4th to bits but has been honest about saying having 4 has been too much for her.

You did what you thought was right. Be kind to yourself

I have three and I honestly don't know how people manage with four. Mine are tweens and teens now and I thought it would get easier, but it doesn't. My parents were great, but they were fairly "hands off" when I was a teenager in the 1980s and it was up to me to organise my homework, choose my own GCSEs/A-levels/uni course, write my UCAS form, attend open days alone etc. Nowadays, I find myself receiving multiple emails each day inviting me to check out a summary of each child's studying that week, attend a maths workshop so I can help with homework, come to information evenings for each of my children's year groups, attend meetings about school trips, join workshops on online safety, visit university and careers fairs, etc etc. They are all great and I do appreciate that there is so much help and support, but with three children I find it quite difficult to fit them all in around work, dinner, homework, after-school activities etc. With four, you would have been stretched very thin, for over two decades!

Thank you all! These responses are just perfect, I’ve definitely been beating myself up a lot about it all. Haven’t spoken to anyone else about it other than my husband of course, but he was emotionally over it in about 3 minutes!

I think as mums we always owe it to our existing children to make sure we can care for them properly. Your existing children are the priority.

I think in your situation you did the right thing for yourself, the children you already have and your husband. You also dealing with a close family member who is not well and who needs your help and support.
Your children are quite close age wise and they need a mother who is physically and mentally well enough to mind them. As they get older their needs will change and their could come a time that one child needs more time and attention than the others. Then as they get older it gets more expensive for food, clothes ect. As one friend of mine said it one thing having a few kids but you have to think of the time and cost to bring them up. You want to give them a good education and a good a life as possible.

I know a lady who had 3 kids older than yours and found out she was expecting her 4th.
When this child was born her other kids were 10,8 and 6. She would have been 38/39.
The pregnancy was harder than the other due to her tiredness.
She is a sham and her husband works long hours. It been hard since her last child was born. One of her other kids went through a hard time and needed a lot of support. Her older kids are coming to an expensive age. She managed to get her 1st child into a good secondary school and her other kids can go their as well.
Then they are at different activities and sports. Both her and her husband seem to be always going to drop off or collect a child or children from different places.
She has not got a lot of support either. I think she would have found things a lot easier with 3 kids than 4 over the past few years.

I think in your situation you did the right thing for yourself, the children you already have and your husband. You also dealing with a close family member who is not well and who needs your help and support.
Your children are quite close age wise and they need a mother who is physically and mentally well enough to mind them. As they get older their needs will change and their could come a time that one child needs more time and attention than the others. Then as they get older it gets more expensive for food, clothes ect. As one friend of mine said it one thing having a few kids but you have to think of the time and cost to bring them up. You want to give them a good education and a good a life as possible.

I know a lady who had 3 kids older than yours and found out she was expecting her 4th.
When this child was born her other kids were 10,8 and 6. She would have been 38/39.
The pregnancy was harder than the other due to her tiredness.
She is a sham and her husband works long hours. It been hard since her last child was born. One of her other kids went through a hard time and needed a lot of support. Her older kids are coming to an expensive age. She managed to get her 1st child into a good secondary school and her other kids can go their as well.
Then they are at different activities and sports. Both her and her husband seem to be always going to drop off or collect a child or children from different places.
She has not got a lot of support either. I think she would have found things a lot easier with 3 kids than 4 over the past few years.

My parents had two then had an unexpected pregnancy which was twins!
Unfortunately there was a 2nd trimester miscarriage so the pregnancy only resulted in my sister.

Her twin has always been spoken about in the family and whilst my parents would have always found a path through they have acknowledged it would have been hard. As it was we were raised by my grandparents as my mum worked shifts as a nurse often 10days in a row and my dad worked abroad for 6 years being out of the country for up to 10 months a year often for 3 months at a time. Money was tight until we were in our teens but then it was a squeeze as we had a 2double and 1 small box room for the family of 5 it would have been a push to fit a family of 6. They tried a few times to make the jump to 4 beds or 3 double bed houses but couldn't quite find the right property. Then supporting us through higher education too.
I understand you thoughts of what could have happened. It is different when that hypothetical is just a little bit real, it's harder. I have a close relative that had to make that decision to terminate too. It was for very different reasons but even so some days that decision feels heavier than others even if it was the right thing at the time but there will also be days when there is more peace with those thoughts. We humans are quite adept at holding opposing and difficult feelings all at the same time and that's ok it doesn't make either less valid.

3 is amazing and now please be careful with birth control.

Please be careful with that superior tone @NewYear24. I'm sure you aware of the fallibility of birth control, even under perfect conditions.

You made the right decision for you at the time.

You may decide a 4th is right another time.

I have 4 and it is A LOT.

Honestly I think you made the best decision
I was in your situation years ago and we decided to keep the surprise. She's 11 now and I love all my dc but it's been so hard and if I'm totally honest I would make a different decision if I had my time again.

4 is too many, I feel like I'm always fighting fires and i don't have enough capacity to be a good mum to them all. Also my older dc are adults and I'm still doing the school run!

Come back in two years and tell us you still want four. Your newest is a newborn!

I would have done the same. Tempted by three children but not four!

We have three and now they are teens the cost of holidays is huge and university fees are looming. We couldn’t manage with four without really cutting back. They all have their own room currently but if we had more they’d have to share and none of them actually love each other that much so it would be a disaster.

We ahve four kids and currently two at Uni at the same time at the moment and it's a bit of a nightmare. just lucky the mortgage is paid off really.

I have 4. The 4th was unplanned, a shock and I was absolutely devastated when I found out. The oldest was 7 when the youngest was born.

Despite what appears to be a small age gap, I had actually suffered multiple miscarriages and so I just couldn’t terminate. But I absolutely 100% understand your feelings and had I been in a different scenario re the miscarriages I almost certainly would’ve terminated.

4 is a LOT of work. I get many people saying that after 3 children it’s easy… (these are usually people with 2 children saying this!). it’s not!

I think you made the right decision at the time, which is all anyone can ever do.

Please be kind to yourself. This is your life too, you deserve to be able to live it!

I don't believe in abortion, but I can only speak for myself and I have 3 kids and definitely don't want or need another one. ☝️ we had a near miss late last year and when I finally got my period I was super happy 😃 couldn't go through another pregnancy so soon after my last born.

Sounds like you made the right decision for you and your family

If 3 is hard time wise a 4th would stretch you too much

Hope you're dh v happens soon or think about paying for it. Think a friends dh cost around £350

Ours is not sadly!

4 is too many, you can't possibly give 4 children the 1:1 time and attention they deserve