I can't bear it, I can't stand my child!

[Fletchasaurus]

I love her, I do, or I really want to but she is such a bloody screamer I'm cracking up. I can't bear it, I alternate between sobbing and wanting to throw something. I'm still pumping as she had a rough start and wasn't able to breastfeed and I just want to scream and scream. I hate her crying for absolutely no reason, I got sliced open for her and she's so bloody ungrateful. She's a velcro baby who will NOT sleep and I cannot cope! DH takes more than his fair share because I'm doing such a bad job. My mental health has taken an absolutely battering over the pregnancy and then a long neonatal stay and it's too much. I'm under the mental health support team and it's not working!

Stop pumping, give her formula. How old is she?
You’re doing the right things, you’re not a bad mum. It is totally overwhelming. Do you have a next to me type cot? I used to put my DD in here and just have a hand on her which was enough to get her to sleep without having to be held.
Keep getting support, keep accepting the help, let your husband do more, you will get through it.

Totally agree.

Formula - do it.

Gp, do not take no for an answer.

Dp - has to do more even if he is being great now, you need him too.

You will get there, you’re in the thick of it but you WILL come though it xx

You sound like a really great Mum and you are no doubt doing a brilliant job but ditch the breastfeeding and give her formula.

Don't hesitate to put her in a safe spot, maybe in her cot, close the door to the room and sit on the sofa with a cup of tea and biscuit for a few minutes when you feel yourself getting wound up. If the crying is stressing you out, put in a pair of headphones for those couple of minutes and listen to an audiobook or song. If you need more time than a few minutes, take it.

You're not alone. Millions of women all across the UK and beyond are in the same boat as you.

Frequent breaks and taking time to reset yourself is key until she grows out of this stage.

You poor thing. Pumping can be extremely challenging and in my experience was not good for my mental health. I'm not sure what your situation is but sometimes the baby needs that tiny bit more milk to settle....I've done it all, extended exclusive breastfeeding, combo feeding, formula feeding.
There is a private Facebook group called Fed is Best (controversial due to it's message!!), run by a doctor and a neonatal nurse lactation consultant .I found them extremely helpful because the only other options I had were breastfeeding groups and lactation consultants who were very breast is best. Fed is best support all feeding types including exclusive pumping and are very sensible about mental health. (I don't volunteer with them or anything, just from personal experience using them for support). On my 3rd baby breast didn't work, pumping was tipping me over the edge and moving to formula saved me. It was very hard emotionally to let go of breast milk but I had to for my sanity. I come from very pro breastfeeding and judgemental families on both my side and my husbands but I just had to let it go.
You are doing a brilliant job, pumping round the clock and a screaming baby after a rocky start would tip anyone over the edge.
If someone can just take the baby away from you and feed whatever necessary to keep the baby full, and let you have a decent stretch of sleep it could make a lot of difference.

Pumping is awful. Just stop it. Honestly you've down amazingly to do it for more than a day. An absolute hero. I managed one day and had to stop. My ds who wasn't BF for similar reasons is now 6 foot 4, incredibly fit (plays sport at national level) and clever. I was so worried no bfing would fuck him up somehow.
I have been where you are and it's tough. It will 100% get better. 💐

I could have written this during the first 4 months of my first baby’s life. STOP PUMPING. It will be the very best thing you can don for your mental health.

I am expecting baby number 2 in a few weeks and have donated the hated pump and accessories from baby number one - if breastfeeding works then great but if not I already have bottles and formula. A fed baby and a mentally healthy mom are what is most important.

Don’t let anyone tell you that formula feeding makes you a bad mom - quite the opposite. Recent studies show negligible benefits to breast milk over formula once you factor in other things (maternal education, wealth etc).

I promise it gets better - I was you and now I am excited to welcome a second baby. In the midst of the pumping hell I swore I would never have another.

You are knackered. You have given birth,which is not an easy thing.
Then you get to keep a small baby alive..
We are told all sorts of shit.
Be kind to yourself. If baby will take a bottle of formula milk, let them.
You get sleep and baby is full.
It's not a competition.
It's about what's best for you and your baby

I pumped for the first four months of DSs life. It sent me loopy.

Then one day I retried breastfeeding. It worked. He didn't look back. And neither did I.

I have since learnt that this isn't untypical - something to do with high pallete and/or mild tongue tie and/or the baby simply learning to latch later for reasons I now forget but apparently it's 'a thing'.

So try it. It's worth a shot. If it doesn't work, go to formula. Nothing lost.

I pumped for a while to get my supply up, and honestly it was awful. The noise of the machine, the cups, the stress about how much milk came out, the sterilising, storing the milk, spilling the milk.
Stop! Formula all the way. Do it.

Give formula

Visit GP tomorrow

Lots of great advice already but I couldn’t scroll on and not comment. This will get better, I promise. I was where you are now, exclusively pumped for 6 months with a clingy baby who only slept on me and screamed so much when awake. It was hideous. It did get better, so so much better. I stoped pumping, got a perfect prep formula machine (Facebook marketplace always have them) and something clicked and my little one started to nap in his cot. It felt like it gave me a chunk of sanity back and it all felt better from there on. You can get through this but we get how bloody hard it is when you’re going through it. Stay with the therapy (argue to change treatment if it’s not helping - I had to try a few), as someone has already said go to a drs and don’t take a no (or see another one if you get a crap response) and take all the help DP can give. You’re the one doing the brunt of the work still and with the all hormones babies bring so get them doing as much as they can. And toss the pump out - my little one preferred formula after all the stress I went through as he’s allergic to eggs and we didn’t know for 9 months - it was my breast milk causing him to be so screamy after all that effort!

OP, I get it, and please try to be kind yourself. You don’t have to think your child is amazing right now, you have so much time to learn to love them.

DP and I had a nightly conversation when DC was a baby asking each other honestly “if someone offered to come and take it off you right now, would you say yes?” We said “yes” without hesitation every night for many months. In fact, when we started saying “no” very much coincided with when I stopped pumping and when we started thinking “why on earth did we ever answer yes?” was when I stopped breastfeeding and embraced the formula.

We both adore our DC beyond belief now, but that’s because we’re no longer sleep deprived zombies, I’m no longer hooked up to a machine in every spare moment like a cow, and we are no longer being awoken every half an hour to a baby who proceeds to scream then vomit all over us. I promise it really does get better, but I know that doesn’t help right now.

For now:

• ring the GP and explain your concerns for your MH and that you urgently need help
• buy formula
• stop pumping
• ask a friend/family member to do a night shift so you can get an actual night’s good sleep
• outsource any housework you can afford to or call in favours from your nearest and dearest
• be gentle with yourself - you are only human! 💐

Babe, a lot of us have been there. The shock (looking back in retrospect, MY retrospect) is why it's not more obvious. You have had open abdominal surgery. Your have had a major life change. It sounds like you have a difficult infant. (I have had both easy and hard -- which is why I say it sounds like you've landed hard. Not your fault! It happens.) On top of all that, you are also being expected to maintain another life.

While I remember pumping, and am sure that's not helping, and can reassure you that you don't have to do it, it's the least of your problems now.

You need someone else helping, mother, nurse, whoever. Don't forget your husband is also new to this and however hard he's trying, is also not sure.

Above all you need to remember two things:

you have the right to more help. If your father-in-law had just open abdominal surgery, he would not be expected to be up and down physically, without sleep, breastfeeding. Don't blame yourself for not being able to do this. It's NOT YOUR FAULT.

it will get better. Even if your child is particularly difficult, it will. Try not to blame your child either. Some babies are harder than others, but ultimately it will be easier.

I speak as one who had three c-sections, two of them emergencies, and one of them a disabled child. Even he is easier at 19 than he was newborn, FFS!

She won't be screaming for no reason OP. She probably can also sense your tension. You need to take a break and leave the house for a while (at least a day or so). Velcro babies tend to be that way because they want to be close to you, not because they are trying to be difficult.

Another vote for stop pumping. Try mixed feeding ie mostly formula with occasional attempts on the breast itself, no pressure. You might be surprised and your baby really takes to it. But because of the formula there's no pressure.

Another formula voice. Breast feeding sent my hormones and mental health crazy twice.

Formula

Bf is overrated

Oh love, please, stop the pumping and switch to formula immediately. Breastfeeding is great when the mum is able to without so much angst, but it's destroying your mental health. Please, just stop and switch to formula. I EBF'd both of my children but I never had to pump, and from testimonials from many mums I know, pumping was awful for them. You do not have to keep putting yourself through this.

You are a wonderful mum and you're fucking amazing for pushing through.

You've been given great advice on this thread. I would add to this - get earphones! My baby went through this phase of just screaming, seemingly for nothing. Not a thing would comfort her. It was awful, it felt like the noise of the screaming entered every cell of my body and literally tore me apart. I can't describe how crazy it sent me. You can still be beside baby, holding them, comforting them, cuddling them with earphones in to block the actual noise out.

I will never understand this breastfeeding martyrdom if I live to be 1000.

OP, i never had a drop of breastmilk in my life. Was a 4lb premature baby who lost weight after birth.

Today i am 60, IQ measured at 154, fit, healthy, never had more than a cold until covid, lived through covid, got all my own teeth, great bone density, etc. Great jobs, nice life.

Why are you tormenting yourself? Formula is fine!!!

Agreed. Breast feeding is not at all worth this. You do everything you can to make this easier for you. It's damn hard and relentless at the best of times

I'm a massive advocate for breastfeeding when it works.

It's not working for you.

You deserve a better quality of life than this. You need down time and recovery time. You have been through trauma and need self care.

Formula feed. See if you can get some regular breaks.

You matter as well

Yep, stop pumping! I did it for 5 months with DC1 and felt so much better after i stopped.

it is literally twice the work.

Do you have any local support from family and friends OP?

This is why I love Mumsnet.

I came here 15 years ago with this same issue op. The ladies told me what this crew are telling you - dd is now almost grown and FINE after the formula.

The best of Mumsnet is supportive and practical.

Wait 'till you get to the feminisim... 😄

Also - what a poster said upthread - child safe and take small frequent breaks. Headphones or maybe a little walk outside.

This is actually hard - which is why you are floored.