DD wants to move out

[Conniebygaslight]

Hi all, our DD is 17 and is in a manipulative/abusive relationship with her BF. He currently lives with friends in a very rough area. Our DD has told us she will be getting a flat with him, in the same area when she's 18 in a few months. She works and drives and he doesn't. They go nowhere together as he refuses, withn the exception of McDonalds etc. He wont go to a restaurant or cinema with her, he world is so incredibly small. He refuses to come into contact with us at all and is trying to isolate our DD from us. She has already given up her friends and only sees him. She has a wonderful home-life and we are a very close and loving family. This boy's world is so far removed from hers and our other children are desperately worried about her. I think she feels sorry for him and wants to put a roof over his head. It's breaking our hearts that she is so adamant with this. She's said that we will not be allowed to visit her when she goes and it's because we've made him feel bad about cheating on her which he did for a full year. We have tried to get him to come to us but he refuses. He also takes drugs and we think he's getting her to drive him around selling them. We are worried to death....has anyone gone through similar and come out the other side?

Gosh OP that sounds really tough. I am just posting to bump this up in the hope that someone can give you some advice. x

If you suspect he deals drugs report him. Give her car registration and report him as abusing her. .. Hopefully the police will see him for what he is. And likely dd will get a caution only.

Who does the car belong to and who pays for the insurance?

Tell her to google or watch the Documentary on Angel lynn. A
Controlling BF that ended up her being thrown out of a van at speed and being brain injured. Your story of the control your DD boyfriend has mimics The control he had over Angel

Keep communication channels open. Talk regularly to her friends. Invite them both around for Sunday lunch regularly ( even if they always say no), don't ever lend her money ( it will be for him), report anything to police, sit tight and wait for her to realise what he is, be there to wipe her tears.

I don't think that will help. She is clearly denial about this BF.

How old is he OP? If you suspect he's selling drugs then yes you should report. Start intervening in ways that she can't control.

She is manipulating you with comments about her boyfriend. But why do you think she has stayed with someone that cheated on her for a year? How long have they been together?

That's so worrying. Can she tell you what she likes about him, particularly in the light of him cheating on her?

Don’t fall out with her, let her know that her bedroom and a home with you will always be there.
She will see the light one day. And make sure she’s on contraception.

It belongs to her and we go half with insurance.

Nothing other than she loves him. The difference between his life and hers is quantum. He is really bad news. She is beautiful, clever and has a job she enjoys. She’s lost all of her spirit but insists she’s happy with him. It’s a nightmare.

She has the injection. I’ve no intention of falling out with her, I’m just so worried. We’ve even told her he can move in with us but he won’t be anywhere near us. He has messaged me to say FU and called me a stuck up bi*ch

Really, there is nothing you do to stop them being together. Just keep things light, and lines of communication open. Keep offering to meet for coffee, buy her a food shop once in a while, hope he gets arrested etc.

She earns her own money and he won’t come to our house. He won’t go anywhere as has zero social skills.

I’m terrified she will get arrested. It’s unbelievable, she never even got into trouble at school!

She was with him between 14 & 15 a
he then just ghosted her to live with a much older woman for over a year. He reappeared 5 months ago. He’s the same age as her.

How much is she earning to be able to afford a flat and run a car? It seems most unlikely to me that a 17 yo could afford these things. Is her threat to move out realistic?

This must be so hard. As a PP has said, just being there to pick up the pieces. It is the only thing you can do.

It is relatively unusual for a child with no previous trauma/experience of abusive relationships to enter in to such a toxic relationship.

How did they meet? Does she know he sends you abusive messages? What does she say about it?

My daughter was involved with someone who wasn't quite as bad as this but was bad news. I didn't confront her and tried to be nice all the time. In the end, it took three years, then she went to India travelling. She told him he could go with her, but of course he had no money, he never had any fucking money, he always used hers. Her friends were useless because he was a nice looking guy and they were taken in by that. When she did split up with him temporarily and decided to go back to him, they were right behind her.

I have a friend in Australia and if I had had the money I think I would've arranged for her to go over there for a few months. She loves travelling and I think she would have gone on the basis that she would carry on with that twat when she got back. I knew my friend would set her straight though.

It was the most stressful period of my life.

I always used to wish it was legal to hire someone to scare him off. Actually if I had offered to paid pay him off it would've worked.

That terrifies me. If she is driving him around, she’ll be the one in trouble. I’m going to ring the police for advice…

would she go away with you., could you book a spa day or even a city break? Time away where she could possibly reconnect with you even a little might make her realise how awful her life has become?

I’m sorry to hear this, it must’ve been a terrible time for you.
This guy has no redeeming qualities at all. He doesn’t interact with any of her friends and she has lost them all. He won’t go anywhere as he cannot converse with anyone except the other scumbags he associates with. My DD is worlds away from this. She is half Australian and is going with my husband and son in a couple of weeks to visit her elderly grandfather and other relatives. We really wish she’d stay for a while but she won’t. She’s been offered modelling contracts but won’t take them as it will take her away from him. She has absolutely no life but defends him to the hilt. She is a fabulous girl but a shell of her former self, which will only get worse if she moves out.

We’ve all just been away on a mini break as a family but it looked like torture for her. She’s living in 2 worlds.

I’ve thought of this but I think it would make her want him more.

Yes I know, that’s what we don’t understand. She was extremely badly bullied in high school and I think she took up with him as her protector. She now sees him as someone to fix. She knows about the 2 messages he’s sent and said that she’s not happy about them but that he’s defensive because he feels judged by us….