6 year old hates leaving the house

[cosypompoms]

I have a nearly 6 year old that would stay home all day every day give the choice. Gets very angry if we have to go out anywhere.

Will go to school but would prefer never to go again. Cries before school as doesn't want to leave me or the home.

Quite shy and anxious generally but has plenty of friends at school.

Very rude to me and their dad. Handles all situations with anger. Hungry?...,gets angry. Scared?...gets angry Tired or ill? ...gets angry. Lashes out and hits me. Absolute Angel at school with work and behaviour.

Parenting them is exhausting and puts a lot of pressure on H and I.

Does anyone else have experience of this?

Mine was a lot like this. It evolved into full on school refusal age 7 ish (v well-behaved at school, academically able, no issues with friends). It may not at all be the reason for your child but mine turned out to be high functioning autism and the only reason I pushed for assessment is that he was so so much more difficult to parent than my older two. He is a lot easier now at 11 but still prefers to go only to very familiar places. But I remember the exhaustion for years. He also had poor sleep (v delayed sleep phase). The anger has totally gone (he never hit me but did his dad) as we’ve understood is usually anxiety related or sensory dislikes going out. We made his life smaller (no clubs, one to one swimming, no parties and have gradually built up within his comfort levels). But it appeared to just be clinginess to me and resistance to everything when he was younger and school picked up nothing.

I am worried about future school refusal. It's been a very hard few days here and I wonder if it's stress about going back to school.

@Bythebeach how did you handle the school refusal?

My 6 year old is very similar, minus the crying before school. My DC just complains a lot about going to school instead.

Hates going to school. Hates leaving the house sometimes, for days at a time. I've tried putting him in after school club, refuses. Has meltdowns afterwards. I have tried putting him in swimming lessons, refuses both group and one to one swim lessons. Has delayed milestones, talking, walking, toileting, selective mutism for a while, unaware of drinking sufficient fluids, fussy eater. I suspect he has high functioning autism. Academically exceeding milestones. Very polite at school.

Very intense and clingy during the school holidays. Holiday clubs are not an option.

I'm worried about school refusal in years to come too.

I thought the exhaustion was my being an older mother. But I think it's probably a combination of me being older and DC being exceptionally intense to deal with.

Yes intense is the right word. I've obviously been thinking of some sort of autism too. I have two others and they are a doddle compared to this one.

I don't feel I'm coping well with the challenges at the moment and I'm exhausted by them.

You could be describing my eldest. Who is autistic. It's hard work for sure.

Here for the tips and solidarity. My 5yo would literally never leave the house if it was up to her. Occasionally manage to get out without a battle with the promise of food eg cafe trip but otherwise it’s almost always a battle even for things she enjoys. Once out she’s generally okay but the actual “leaving” is nearly always incredibly difficult. I’m hoping she’ll grow out of it…

DS7 has spent the weekend indoors and in pj's because school starts tomorrow and I couldn't face a battle to go out just because I felt we ought to. Instead I've kept our days low energy, and low demand, with plenty of snacks and extra tv, etc. It goes against what I feel like "good" parenting looks like, but I didn't want to send him into school tomorrow already feeling overwhelmed or overextended.

He doesn't have a diagnosis but I'd bet the farm on autism or pda. His behaviour escalates to violence in a split second, he's got very black and white thinking, he's anxious as standard, plenty of food issues, I could go on and on, but it's depressing and I'm already feeling quite bleak at the moment.

It isn't easy. I'm learning to choose my expectations carefully, and deciding what's most important for him/us.

Yea same, she's fine when she's out mainly but loves to come back home. I dread telling her that we are going out as I know the moaning and hysterics starts. She dominates the family really. Things revolves around what she needs to stay calm.
She does eat well but I don't give her a choice. She moans about every meal but I say there's nothing else and she gets on and eats. The fact there's no food issues has made me think it isn't autism.

H thinks she needs more discipline. When she's lovely she's absolutely great company and when it's a bad day it's like living with a tyrant. We've had a terrible weekend and H and I aren't speaking now

@NDandMe give the choice she'd have tv on 24 hours a day. Over Xmas there has obviously been daily tv. That's not normally the case here and some weeks there's no tv at all. We don't have any other screen time. I find the more tv she has the worse the meltdowns and rages and moods are.

@cosypompoms so sorry. Yes it gets to us too, left to my own devices I like to be quite impulsive and pop out somewhere on a whim. Definitely am not able to do that any more. I also get the fear of telling her we need to go somewhere… and then I find myself thinking of ways to not have to take her out anywhere which is serving no one! Argh. I thought maybe she needed more warning of impending outings but if anything that makes it worse as she has longer to dread it?

Also to be clear I'm suggesting let's take your new scooter to the park and back. I'm hardly suggesting anything too awful.

If we need to pop to town she tries to negotiate that if she has to come we can only go to one shop and then straight home.
Or I'll visit the grandparent but after one hour we need to leave.

@Zapx have you considered autism? I haven't really wanted to go down that road to be honest.

Do they have a lot of screen time at home? Limiting this and having no TV days (with prior warning) has massively helped.

During the Xmas holidays there has been tv almost everyday but not quite.

Usually during the rest of the year there is no tv during the weekdays at all. Saturday morning tv seems to becoming a regular thing. We don't have iPads or tablets or anything else.

I've said no tv at all for the foreseeable future as although it's given us a few nice lie ins i.e getting up at 8 instead of 5, the aftermath isn't worth it.

Home is where all his toys and belongings are.

DH used to buy DS so many toys and then complain DS never wanted to go out. I didn't blame him!

He has significantly fewer things now and is probably better behaved for it. As long as the weather isn't bad, he's happy to go out somewhere every weekend.

An assessment would be a good idea.

for my dd, we give her plenty of warning before we will be leaving the house. I am autistic, I don’t like leaving the house either. It’s awful out there.

after working with a therapist, I finally accepted that my opposition to screen time was a mistake. Screen time helps her decompress.

I had one of these and she just grew out of it (around 7 or 8 I think). We definitely had the seemingly fun things refusal like riding her bike and negotiations on the numbers of shops. I think she just needed more comfort for longer than her siblings and also liked the autonomy of being able to play in her own way. V happy, outgoing and sociable. Just wanted to jump on as it may be that “this too shall pass” rather than parenting techniques or a marker for neurodiversity.

Thank you for this. That's what I'm hoping for! She does like playing at home with her toys or just colouring and cutting and sticking. Going out interrupts that!

It does sound like it could be autism OP. Ticking a lot of boxes from your description.

It could be a 'this too shall pass' thing, AND, a neurodivergent thing. For eg, my DC had selective mutism (kids with autism have higher prevalence of it), but my DC doesn't have selective mutism now, so it was a 'this too shall pass' thing too.

OP does your DD have developmental delays, health issues, other issues, or is it just this issue of not liking school or wanting to leave the house?

We have this to a lesser extent. For us I think it is about a loss of control. At home she can pick (or have greater influence over) her activity, isn't on someone else's timetable on when things happen , wear what she wants etc. she's child number 3 and is long term sick of "being bossed around" (in her own words). She gets really frustrated generally when she thinks that is happening

It's very daunting to consider your (general you) child might have autism. I understand. I wrestle with these feelings regularly.

But for a child with additional needs, an early diagnosis is crucial to accessing the support both the child and parents need in order to support them to grow into their best self. It's often the key used to unlock services. No bad thing, in that sense.

And if a child does have extra needs, not getting a diagnosis or not wanting to consider the possibility of a diagnosis won't change that.

Just to be clear, I'm not armchair diagnosing anyone. I'm just sharing some of my feelings and point of view on the topic.

I would think about starting off a referral on the ASD pathway. In your area it may start with an observation in school. The assessor will then be able to provide further advice.

@magicofthefae no delays really. She's not dry at night but that's normal range now. She talked from very young. Fully fluent by 18months. She's higher ability end but nothing outstanding. Just a good normal really.

She's difficult, complicated, shy, controlling, funny, intelligent, interesting, loves books and hates writing.