6 year old hates leaving the house

[cosypompoms]

I have a nearly 6 year old that would stay home all day every day give the choice. Gets very angry if we have to go out anywhere.

Will go to school but would prefer never to go again. Cries before school as doesn't want to leave me or the home.

Quite shy and anxious generally but has plenty of friends at school.

Very rude to me and their dad. Handles all situations with anger. Hungry?...,gets angry. Scared?...gets angry Tired or ill? ...gets angry. Lashes out and hits me. Absolute Angel at school with work and behaviour.

Parenting them is exhausting and puts a lot of pressure on H and I.

Does anyone else have experience of this?

@Zebrasinpyjamas this has been my thoughts for a while. Home suits her as she is her own person. She had more freedom and control there.
She doesn't want to do any extra curriculum clubs as she never likes them after the first few weeks. I don't want her giving everything up but forcing her seems pointless.
Swimming lessons are the non negotiable and honestly she starts crying the minute I pick her up from school and starts negotiating why she won't be going. When it's clear we are going she negotiates other terms like, I have to speak to the teacher before her or she will swim this week but not next week. Or she'll swim this week but she must have tv when she gets home.

@NDandMe could I just treat her as if she has autistic traits and give her support that way? Rather than a diagnosis.

@Victoryai I would think an observation of her at school would show a very well behaved girl conforming at school.

perhaps so, and that may be masking?

Definitely some signs of autistic traits. Why not read up some about autism in girls to see if it rings more bells?

Also, at 6, she has spent a good third of her life living through covid lockdowns and restrictions. If that much of your time on earth has been spent being told to not leave the house, it could be that she has just learned that outside is bad and should be avoided. So many people seem to think that kids should just pull themselves together now it is over, but that's not how trauma works.

could I just treat her as if she has autistic traits and give her support that way? Rather than a diagnosis

I did this for my eldest DD and it worked well, until high-school and college where she burned out completely and we ended up in a very bad place. She didn't have any specific support in school so was left to figure out how to deal with GCSEs and A-Levels on her own because no diagnosis. By the time we pursued it CAMHS wouldn't accept her referral because the waiting list was so long that she would have aged out of the service by the time they reached her.

In contrast, my youngest dd was diagnosed age 6 and has benefitted from targeted, specific support in school that has helped her gain social skills, spacial awareness, and other support like ear defenders during assembly etc. Their school experiences have been very different.

It's not so much home life, but the outside world that the diagnosis helps with.

This sounds very like my DC of the same age with a PDA diagnosis. If you want a sense of whether this could be an issue for your child have a look at some of these people who work with parents & educators of PDA kids

https://www.instagram.com/atpeaceparents?igsh=MWk1aGRxbnFkNzZueQ==

https://missingthemark.co.uk/

https://www.naomifisher.co.uk/

It is very hard.

Our DC is an only child, and because he masks at school, has loads of friends etc I sometimes wonder if I’m imagining how difficult life is, or if the problem is just my not being cut out for parenting, but it really helps to hear from people who also have NT children and describe parenting them as a ‘doddle’. Nothing about parenting my DC could ever have been described, by anyone, as a doddle 😂😳

Share those links with your DH, OP - things were much better for us when we were both on board with pursuing assessment and parenting very differently from the norm.

@cosypompoms I haven’t really thought about the possibility of autism tbh as I don’t really think it’s a possibility (0 signs in the house really), my gut feeling is it’s anxiety mixed with “just not wanting to”…

Also my 5yo is scared of men. (Not including family and friends she knows well, she’s just super wary of men in general). So I do sometimes wonder if that’s a factor for her, as at home there’s only her dad, whereas outside there are more of them! I really hope you have a better day today.

Also, if PDA is a factor for your child, there will probably be a big mindset change in store for you around things like screen time. All the parenting advice that seems to work for NT kids (limits, rules, rewards and consequences, firm boundaries, non-negotiables) just does not apply and almost always makes things much worse. My DC is only able to attend school because we have no limits on screen time. To the outside world it looks like madness and awful parenting. But lots and lots of autonomy in his downtime is what allows him to meet the expectations that really matter.

He is doing really well in school & has incredible general knowledge because of all the science YouTubers he follows.

We had this and like others on this thread, DC was later diagnosed with autism.

We did go through a phase of full on school refusal. School were amazing and put lots of support in place. In particular they noted that he loves reading so instead of going straight to class and registration, he was allowed to go to the library first thing and stay till he was ready to join the rest of the class.

For home life, we spend a lot of time talking through where we are going and what we are doing to prepare him. So for example on Monday morning he usually asks what we are doing at the weekend and we start to run through the schedule. Anything that’s part of the routine is usually fine but anything unusual we explain exactly what will happen. It means that there isn’t much room for spontaneity but leaving the house is no longer a fight.

I know this is an old thread but I could have written it word for word. We have the exact same struggles with my 6yr old son at the moment. He is on the asd pathway but I am massively struggling at the moment to know what to do :(
I am so worried about school refusal and him becoming a recluse.
Did things get any better for your family? Did you get any answers?

Well they are 8 now. Still going to school and no crying beforehand, although I do work at their school now so that may make a difference.

She has even started one after extra curricular club begrudgingly. I forced her into it and said I’d paid for 6 weeks and she had to attend and then could drop out. She happily goes now. I knew she would like it but she was very angry I had arranged it.

Generally she is happy and content at home. Eats well goes to bed no problem loves playing. Still moans about going out of the house. I make sure we only go out once the weekend so she knows she has a whole day in just to play.

School: she was observed by the Ed Psych who didn’t really see any behaviours as she had settled in the new class by then. I would like them to see her again in the future and try and arrange that he’s out sooner in the school year when it’s all new and she’s still in a pickle.

She hates change and is very negative about anything new or fun. For example, they had a music person came in and she was complaining loudly it’s boring over and over. Really she was upset there was a new teacher and a change she wasn’t expecting in the day. She came across very rude and I find it embarrassing. Not the end of the world though.

She says she doesn’t want to be taught anything or told what to do. She actually says those words. Ed Psych says to leave helpful books lying around for her to find herself so she doesn’t suspect she’s being helped or guided as she would refuse that. The books actually help: things like mindfulness and books about autism.

So we are rubbing along. She’s hard work but also hilarious and intelligent and brilliant.