Dividing the kids after separation

[Startwiththebasics]

Hi everyone, My ex-partner and I have recently separated, and are looking into how we might divide up who has our kids when (DD4 & DD9).

Im after advice on how flexible I should agree to be. My ex is employed and works shift work, I am self-employed and can usually be more flexible. Is it appropriate for us to base the division around their work, or would I be making a mistake? Apologies if its a bit overcomplicated.

If you want a bit more detail, they work Weds, Thurs, Fri, either 8-5, 9-6 or 10-7. On any shift it's pretty well impossible for them to do the school run either end of the day with the distance to work. They also work the 1st and 4th weekend (all weekend) of a 9 week rotation.

We've discussed that because of this, it may be best for them to have the kids on Monday and Tuesday, then Id have them Weds Thurs Fri, and then roughly every other weekend. (they'd pick up from school, or from me, on the Friday that it was their weekend). My partner has realised they'll have to take on more work to make ends meet on their own, and has been offered Monday shifts 8-5 at work. As they cant do the school run at that time in the morning, they've asked me if I could do it on a monday morning so they can get to work on time. I feel as though this would be restrictive for me, as it would fall right in the middle of my sat/sun/mon/tues run without the kids. But Im also conscious that I need to help make things work. Can anyone offer any advice?

Honestly I would say use breakfast club.

You do need some degree of separation to move on as individuals who co-parent, otherwise you can end up enmeshed.

Another consideration is school holidays etc would you then be having them on a Monday rather than using childcare.

I think you do have to be careful. Of course it would be wonderful if you can have the DC to fit around the other parents shifts. It's better for the children and no childcare costs.

But will the flexibility work both ways? What if something happens and you can no longer do the Monday school run? Will Mon have defaulted to being "your day" and therefore your problem? Would they help out on "your" day if something came up? What about school holidays?

I was always flexible about having my DC when ex cancelled (frequent and at short notice). But if I needed them to have them an extra day/ help with anything it was a flat out no.

Does it have to be every week or can the other parent, if you are going away for example, get help from someone else? Maybe a grandparent or neighbour/friend?

I’m going to dissent here. You say they can’t do the morning school run even if they are working 10-7, due to the distances involved. Which implies over an hour’s commute, possibly two hours, otherwise they could use breakfast club.

Given that, I think that when you live separately, driving over to your ex’s house, wherever that might be, at 6am or earlier every Monday to get your kids up and ready for school because your ex has gone to work already, will get very old very fast. Especially when they’ll be counting Sunday night as “their” night for maintenance purposes. Honestly, I am not a morning person and there is absolutely no way I would agree to do that.

I’d ensure your children spend the night at your house once you move out if your ex wants you to do the school run the next day, it all becomes very impractical otherwise. I’d be more than happy to swap a different night with them if there was another morning they could do the school run using breakfast clubs etc, but I wouldn’t be getting up at 6am to do the school runs for them a decade after I’d divorced them.

No, the 10 o'clock shift would be fine for drop offs, but the others probably not. Just felt like overkill to go into too much detail! Its about half an hour to work, more between 8 &9. I imagine we'll both be living pretty close together as it's a fairly small town.

Can they swap into the 9-6 or 10-7 shift on a Monday then? And use breakfast club?

Or can they have the children on a night when they are working 9-6 or 10-7, and you have them on Sunday nights?

Honestly, once you are properly split up you are not going to want to go round to their house as the crack of dawn to get the kids up for them. You just won’t. You’ll both have moved on.

One thing to remember is that whatever jobs you do now may change so the current arrangement may not always work.

Also the kids get older and school days longer, shorter etc.

So remember to say that this will need revisiting as circumstances change.

I see where you're coming from. Does your ex have form for taking advantage? You could say that toe happy to do it more, but point out that it's inconvenient and ask if they can come up with an alternative in future.

I do separated parenting with shift work. I would potentially do this temporarily while you’re adjusting to the separation but be clear it might not work forever. Ex and I have helped each other out, but ultimately three years down the line it’s easier when we sort out our own childcare.

my biggest tip is remaining flexible and kind, when I help ex I know I have credit in the bank for him to help me. It also gets easier as the kids get older, we’re now in a position where the youngest is old enough to walk to/from school.

It all sounds very reasonable in theory but trying to be flexible and co-parent with someone who works shifts quickly becomes a ballache especially if relationships don't stay very reasonable.

I would look at 50/50 and each parent sorts the childcare for their time.

I think he should get them a place at before school club on that day. If there isn’t a place yet then you can do it as an interim thing while they wait for a place but I personally agree if you are always the one expected to compromise that’s not fair.

It’s about what’s best for the children, which is most likely mum being there when needed. In a relationship you have ‘responsibilities’ that are yours and some are dps, but you pick up the slack when needed, because that’s what’s best for the kids, that doesn’t change just because you are separated. An alternative would be dp paying for breakfast club, but that’s money that ultimately could be spent on the kids if you do that school run. I do think you are being unreasonable. Dp taking on more work as it’s in the kids interests and looking after them as much as he has agreed to is a position many single mums would give anything to be in- so many don’t care and don’t pay! And they never have so much as 1 hour ‘off’ So if that needs one school run on your 4 days ‘off’ I think that’s nothing to moan about….

I'd say that actually the other parent needs to see if they can get fixed shifts or a different job which would enable a consistent routine for the children. That's what I would consider to be in the interests of the children.

Running around to suit the other person's schedule is going to get old down the line, it's not about spending more time with children when you'd literally be just driving them around. If they can't do drop off on their days they need to sort out childcare that can e.g a childminder that does drop offs for example.

I don’t have anything to add other than that you need to be very mindful of how the schedule you work out impacts your children. In the primary school where I work, there’s a family who have a similar set-up to the one you’re suggesting. The children have found it unsettling and even now, two years in, they’ve both said that they don’t have a “home”. They’re always conscious of moving from one house to the other and worried if there’s a school trip/play/event coming up about who’s house they’re scheduled to be at. It’s very sad. If you can keep the to-ing and fro-ing to a minimum, that would be in their best interests.

But realistically, how many parents regularly get more than one night "away" when they have young kids? Not many. I can count on one hand the amount of nights away I've had since having my children who are 9 & 7, and my husband probably even less. Obviously if there was a work event, "lads/girls holiday", hen do/stag do, something where one of us was going to have to be away for a weekend/couple of nights, the other parent can book time off, to pick up the slack, when notified in advance, but to expect a regular (weekly?) four day stretch of no responsibilities, to do whatever you want, and go wherever you choose, just doesn't happen for parents with young children, whether together or separated.