Dividing the kids after separation

[Startwiththebasics]

Hi everyone, My ex-partner and I have recently separated, and are looking into how we might divide up who has our kids when (DD4 & DD9).

Im after advice on how flexible I should agree to be. My ex is employed and works shift work, I am self-employed and can usually be more flexible. Is it appropriate for us to base the division around their work, or would I be making a mistake? Apologies if its a bit overcomplicated.

If you want a bit more detail, they work Weds, Thurs, Fri, either 8-5, 9-6 or 10-7. On any shift it's pretty well impossible for them to do the school run either end of the day with the distance to work. They also work the 1st and 4th weekend (all weekend) of a 9 week rotation.

We've discussed that because of this, it may be best for them to have the kids on Monday and Tuesday, then Id have them Weds Thurs Fri, and then roughly every other weekend. (they'd pick up from school, or from me, on the Friday that it was their weekend). My partner has realised they'll have to take on more work to make ends meet on their own, and has been offered Monday shifts 8-5 at work. As they cant do the school run at that time in the morning, they've asked me if I could do it on a monday morning so they can get to work on time. I feel as though this would be restrictive for me, as it would fall right in the middle of my sat/sun/mon/tues run without the kids. But Im also conscious that I need to help make things work. Can anyone offer any advice?

Honestly, why wouldn’t you want to see them whatever day it is? Your ex partner needs a hand to keep his head above water, and being proactive by the sounds of it. Sorry this interferes with your child free 4 days! This isn’t about you. It’s about them! And I’m sure they would love to see their mum on a Monday to help their Dad. Do whatever it takes and Work as a team. YABU!

It sounds very amicable at the moment. I’d try very hard to keep it that way. Your ex needs the work presumably to keep a roof over your kids heads, and it’s just slightly out of your way one day. Flexibility goes both ways and your kids are still young, I’m sure at some point you’ll appreciate showing some understanding when you inevitably need the the same. Plus as pp pointed out, you’ve already ‘lost’ your kids for half the time, it’s a little shocking that you consider it an inconvenience to your life to give them a lift on one of your many future ‘days off’

Thanks both. I may have given the wrong impression. I am absolutely happy to see my kids as much as I possibly can, and would bend over backwards for them. My concern is that it feels as though I am being expected to base my life around their work schedule, and always be the flexible one. Im worried that this may not be a good approach. You are of, course, both right that the kids should come first, Im just looking for guidance on how to approach this specific situation, in terms of not ending up feeling like they say 'jump' and I say 'how high?'. It's partly a concern that that period of 4 days feels like the only time I would ever be able to go away anywhere for any length of time now, and if I agree to this I can only ever go anywhere for one night, which feels very restrictive.

i’d start any and every discussion with what is in the best interests of the children even if that means one or both of the parents are inconvenienced or slightly less time with the children than they’d like

who was primary care giver before separation?

worried about your kid free time being disrupted by doing a lift to school? Righto. Then you’ll find my previous posted advice very difficult then

The answer to that is, yes, you are going to have to be flexible due to their shifts which they cannot control. You’ve said yourself you have more flexibility. So this isn’t about can’t, it’s won’t. So, yes, you will have to jump when he says how high when it concerns your daughters going to school. He’s not going out drinking he’s going to work, to earn more money, to be able to eat and pay bills. Sorry if I sound harsh but I do not understand your way of thinking at all. You aren’t just thinking about you and your needs anymore!? You have two little girls, who need a lift to school on Mondays. Maybe down the line they might need to be collected from brownies on Tuesdays? Would you question whether or not you need to do that as well, because it interferes with your 4 days off? Do whatever it takes. If your ex asks you to stand outside his house doing the can can for your daughters benefit, then you do it? Going away for 4 days? How lovely for you. Why do you use to money to help your ex out who’s clearly working like a dog to stay afloat. You’re their mum. Your time and flexibility is not longer yours to take. Unbelievable!!!!!!

Probably very slightly them, but we have always both been very involved. I did the bulk of the school/nursery runs beforehand, to the extent that one of the mums mentioned theyd always thought I was a single parent.

and you are continuing to live together

so what on earth is the problem with you doing lifts when it’s not officially your time?

so even though she didn’t work on mondays and tuesdays - you still did the lifts and this woman had the cheek to say she thought you were a single parent.

Bet she doesn’t presume that if she only sees a mother at the school gate. because you are, quite clearly, a man

I think if you can focus on making this transition as amicable as possible it will really benefit your co-parenting relationship in the future, and it will help your children to adapt. With this in mind I'd be tempted to agree to a contact arrangement that works for everyone, and what you suggested seems to work for everyone. Your children get to spend good quality time with both of their parents and it doesn't impact either of your work. Try to avoid viewing these decisions in terms of who is being expected to bend more and instead view it more in terms of a win/win situation.

Contact plans don't have to remain the same forever and will change naturally as children get older and develop interest and hobbies of their own. Perhaps sit down together and create a Parenting Plan which will help with your co-parenting. You can agree to add in some review points for contact every few months to assess whether your arrangements still work for everyone. There are templates on line. The Scottish Government produced a decent one (obviously doesn't matter if your elsewhere- just use the headings to create your own).

https://www.gov.scot/publications/parenting-plan/documents/

No, I think its excellent advice and Im grateful to you for giving it. Its not really about the kid free time, its about whether I'm being taken advantage of. I ask because previous posts Ive read have generally suggested that whoever has the kids at on that day needs to sort themselves out for whatever needs to be done, and not keep relying on their flexible partner to do it. Its actually quite reassuring to hear the replies, because I would prefer to say yes to them - I just dont want to be taken advantage of just because Ill always have to be the flexible one.

I totally understand that fear. But I think your children will benefit from and appreciate a parent who was always willing to be flexible in order to meet their needs.

Its not a problem at all while we still live together, its more about into the future. Hopefully Ive explained that its not really about the inconvenience, its about whether the expectation that I do it whatever they need without consideration of its impact on me is reasonable. This may be more to do with specific issues in our relationship though. From the responses so far Im very happy to be able to say yes, and will look forward to it. Apologies for being a man.

Put the kids first.
First and foremost get out of your head about bring taken advantage of, it's not helpful in the long run and will build up resentment rather than allowing you to put the interests of the kids before your own.
I get it, it's difficult.

*Being not bring!

Apologies for being a man.

🙄

I’d say you will do it, however make it clear if there is ever an occasion where you can’t take them then it will be there responsibility to make other arrangements
& in return you will make sure you give them enough notice to do so?
This was your helping them out & get to see your kids but on the odd occasion you do want to go away for the four days for example you’re not 100% tied. Shouldn’t be a problem for either of you if it’s not likely to be very often :)

The best advice I ever heard was this:

The custody agreement you put in writing is your fall-back option for when your ex wants to make your life very, very difficult. So agree to it on the basis of whether you would be willing to uphold it, and doing so wouldn't drive you nuts, if the divorce took an awful turn.

Then of course as long as the parenting relationship goes well, you can be more flexible and do it differently than officially agreed. But at least you have the fall-back.

That's what my parents did and they never used the custody agreement, they just worked around each other, but I remember my dad explaining this to me (years later) and I thought that was very sensible and realistic.

She is LITERALLY on a forum asking how to make it fair and best for kids. Judgmental much?!

OP - whatever you do, make it formal and regular. “Roughly EOW” will get tricky quickly. Write everything down, put all spoken conversations into an email and plan well ahead. You are doing everything well, and offer whatever flexibility you are happy with. Your ex is as responsible as you are for childcare, so inconvenience with work should also be shared. Doesn’t mean you don’t want your children just because you want it all to be fair. If you are happy with something, agree to it. Good luck.

Is there a breakfast club at school?

Yes, but it isn't early enough.

I say roughly EOW because it would sometimes be two weekends in a row in one place, and then two in the other. You're right obviously that it's should be clear and written down. Thanks for your advice.

name change fail?