Please help. 6mo, feeling so down and don't know what to do

[LunaBear26]

Please help me. My DH and I are at breaking point with our (almost) 6 month old son. I've literally just been in the kitchen making bottles and crying.

He has been the most unsettled baby since birth and it's not got any better. He cries all the time, needs to be held all the time and sleep is absolutely awful (wakes every 45-60 mins but last night had to be held most of the night as he wouldn't settle at all).

The sleep deprivation is really starting to get to both of us, particularly DH and I'm getting really worried about his mental health, to be honest. He's finding it really tough to handle the crying and not sleeping. I just tried to put him down for a nap 4 times and he woke each time so DH had to take over because I was getting so upset.

I had back problems before pregnancy and holding him all day is making things so much worse (he's 85th percentile so a big boy!). I'm so drained all the time. I tried to go out yesterday and he just cried and cried in the car seat so we didn't go. I just cried in the driveway and then went back inside.

We've looked into gentle sleep training (I got the Lucy Wolfe book) and are planning to give it a go in a few weeks as he's got a cold at the moment but I'm so worried that he'll just get hysterical and that it won't help at all. I've also looked into the Ferber method but I'm scared of trying it.

We just don't know what to do.

For some context, he was a forceps delivery and I don't think I realised how bad it was at the time. Looking back on the photos he was so swollen and bruised so I don't think this helped his temperament.
His feeding was awful and he had a tongue tie snipped at 12 weeks so super late.
His feeding didn't improve and at 18 weeks, after being sick of everyone just saying 'babies are all fussy eaters', I'd had enough and rang the GP. He's now on milk for cow-milk protein intolerance and doing better but still not great.
I swear he's been so upset and traumatised these things so early in life that it's still affecting him now. I just don't know what to do.

Any advice? I feel so down and like it'll never get any better. I'm going back to work in a month (DH has got about 3 months of parental leave so will be home with DS) and I don't think I can cope at work with this little sleep.

Can you afford a maternity nurse? They are objective and whilst taking over night times so you can sleep, will give advice on various things they notice with DS. If you can afford a week do it, it’s invaluable.

Is his CMPA milk soya-based, or only broken down milk protein? Lots of CMPA babies need a completely milk-free formula and/or are also allergic to soya, so get that checked out. Lots of GPs are really dismissive of CMPA and the needs of CMPA babies, so you really need to fight your corner until you've exhausted the possibilities. There are some good Facebook groups that can help.

If it's allergy-related, sleep training won't help, so I'd make sure you've looked at everything you can before trying that. Best of luck - allergy babies are such hard work, but everyone tells you it's just normal baby behaviour when it really isn't.

My eldest son was like this also. I. Use to have to rock him gently to sleep. I managed to. Get hold of a carseat that rocked, probably saved me lol . There's a few things it could be, is your baby getting on with the teet on the bottles? Or A little constipated maybe?, try some cool boiled water in a bottle. I know it's had but try remain calm as babies can pick up on tension. This is just a stage your baby is going through, it most definitely won't last forever. I hope you are able to get to the bottom of it

Hi, sounds like you had a tricky labour and delivery and there’s been lots of factors since his birth. When you said about the crying and needing to be constantly upright I can relate to that I took ours to gp about 8 weeks as he was the same in the evenings he would scream from about 3-9 and then he’d be so exhausted he’d pretty much pass out then wake again starving throughout the night, and he pretty much said it’s colic and normal (even though it feels extreme and the constant crying sounds abnormal) but should settle with time. Our baby was also tongue tie and it was done early December - he’s only just settling in to it now. He’s definitely settling down now with his sleep,

I started a routine with him for example feed, change, play down for a nap in a dark room with the white noise on. (And I’d only pick him up if I thought it was trapped wind or something else could tell by his cry the difference between pain and just not wanting to be put down). He cries a little bit now before every nap but the length and intensity has reduced. And I know the current evidence says don’t leave them to cry- It was hard to hear him cry at first every instinct told me to pick him up, but I found sometimes picking him up soothing for a minute or so and putting back down helped- eventually he’s drop off. (Obvs I made sure he was fed, clean and burped before putting down).

I’ve found with young babies things can change day by day- hour to hour.
So take it a step at a time, you’re doing everything you can.. there are charities to help with mental health such as Pandas, koala… ask your gp for local free counselling for your traumatic birth (maybe both of you). Age uk offer free counselling where we are!
I’ve also found dragging myself to groups and out for a walk (when baby won’t settle) to be helpful- although it feels hard when your so sleep deprived xx

Thank you for your replies :)

@Avatartar I don't think we could afford it unfortunately :(

@RainbowUtensils His milk is just broken down cows milk not soya based (I hadn't even thought of that!). I'm lucky that I didn't have to fight too hard for the milk with the gp but it just took so long to sort it out!

@Newtothis8008 he seems to be ok with the teat I think. We took ages finding bottles that suited him, but looking back I don't know whether it was just that the milk didn't agree with him! I try so hard to stay calm but I get so frustrated and upset about it all. We've had a bad few nights and days so think I'm extra sensitive today!

@Theicingonthecake thank you for your experience with crying, it's good to hear how other people have coped! I've been thinking about going to the gp about mental health (previously suffered with anxiety) and think I will make an appointment now. I hadn't really considered birth trauma but I do think about it a lot, especially at night which probably isn't normal!

I had a traumatic labour and ended in emergency C section.. I think it shaped my post partum -experience and bonding with the baby too, but it’s getting better now over time, you’re going to get though this!! - you’ve done amazing already so far - best of luck xxx

Hi! My LO was exactly like this and it took a real toll on me and my partners mental health and relationship. She would pretty much cry from the moment she opened her eyes until she closed them and also wanted to be carried upright everywhere. I remember many evening I would be sobbing and feel like I was losing my mind.

She is 19 months old now and such a happy, easygoing toddler. I noticed a massive shift after she turned 1. I used to rack my brain trying to find the answer as to why she was so unhappy but ultimately I think it’s her temperament, she just wants to communicate anyway she knows how, when she was tiny that was crying.

Hopefully things improve for you soon, I know how tough it is when you’re going through it. Some things that helped me get through that period were:

• Co-sleeping (I know not everyone agrees but it’s the only way I stayed sane)
• buying a decent baby carrier, used it indoors/outdoors abs really helped my back pain
• not feeling guilty for asking for help from relatives and friends where possible, sometimes you need that mental reset and you feel like a new person

You’ll get through this period!

This too will pass - I PROMISE you.

I know it does not feel possible at this moment - but truly things WILL get better.

My first was a difficult forceps delivery and she was battered and bruised (as was I!) and restless and grizzly and would not feed. Somewhere I have a record that I kept of her intake as they rightly were worried she was not getting enough - I finished up giving it to her on a spoon as she would not suck. One night's record reads thus: 1am 1/4 ounce; 1.30am 1/8 ounce; 1.50am 1/4 ounce - and so on and so on. As you can imagine she was very hungry and grizzled and yelled non-stop.

I thought I might go insane - I very nearly did! But eventually things settled - slowly, but they did settle and a hint of sanity crept back into my life.

Hang ion in there - try every suggestion that comes your way, but know that this will get better. xx

This sounds tough and I would think something was underlying the crabbiness.

as first steps I would be getting a full allergy test privately (it’s about £200-300)

and also a baby osteopathic session (£40-60)

would you be able to stress to stretch to this?

I was also going to suggest baby osteopathy. If you have health insurance then you can hopefully have it on that. If not, some clinics sometimes have outreach funding type options. If you can manage to afford 1 sessions, I genuinely saw a difference in my baby after just one, as did a friend.

Sleep deprivation is a form of torture for a reason. I’m sorry it’s so hard for you right now. In our borough, the charity “Mind” run specific sessions for new mums, and also ones for new dads, which we found useful. You should also be able to self-refer for mental health support for you, and your DH for himself. Google your health trust and then “talking therapies”. You can also ask the GP or health visitor to refer you. I hope things improve soon.

I don't have any advice about the milk but hopefully things will be easier once he's 6 months and can have some solids. My oldest had a traumatic delivery, relux, colic, wouldn't ever be put down, woke through the night, sensitive and fussy with a very high-pitched cry! It was so awful at the time but I think we saw small improvements at 6 months then at 11 months once she'd got the hang of eating and sleeping (finally!) it was much easier and she was a reasonably easy toddler. She is quite an intense child now but also very clever. Her sister was a very relaxed baby, good sleeper and always happy!

You've had so much helpful advice already. I was just going to suggest asking for a different formula. He may need a different brand or an amino based formula. If you talk to Allergy UK before you speak to your GP, that might be helpful as you'll know what to ask for

And I second the advice to get some help regarding Birth Trauma. It really Dan affect you for a very long time if it's left unaddressed

I would look at the milk - if they have given you the first option it might still have allergens in it he isn't doing well with (I had a very unsettled allergy baby) can you ask for another formula, is it nutramigen or something like that? The expensive one, insist on that

Could you afford a few sessions with an osteopath for baby? See if they could get him a bit more comfortable? Sounds like something is going on for him

Also - babies are mad, it's not you, there's no one size fits all guidebook you just need to find your way to keep your sanity - this time next year he will be running around eating a breadstick and this will be an awful distant memory

Oh and we got prescribed Omeprazole around this time - really helped - their little digestive systems have a lot to contend with

Thank you do much everyone, I feel like crying again haha!

We tried an osteopath when he was a lot smaller but not recently but it might be worth going back.

We've got a doc appointment for him next week for a squint he has (I know, what else can be thrown at us?!!) So will mention the milk then as well.

Thank you so much 💓

@LunaBear26

Just to wish you and your baby well. You sound a very loving and caring mother. It will get better, those first few months can be incredibly tough.

@MissMarplesGoddaughter thank you so much 🥰

Hi OP, definitely worth speaking to the GP about being prescribed a completely milk free milk, my son didn’t settle until on SMA alfamino which is milk and soy free. Usually the first milk GPS prescribe is hydrolysed milk which a lot of babies still can’t tolerate. Omeprazole and a cranial sacral therapist also really helped him. Hope things get better for you soon xx

Would echo seeing an osteopath. They can work absolute wonders, especially after an instrumental delivery where maybe something got tweaked on the way out. Also wanted to say that sleep training changed our lives. It wasn’t effortless but he sleeps so much better and HE is happier as a result (as am I!). Good luck, it’s really really hard. I think it’s tough on dads too because they don’t have any hormones keeping them going. Hope it starts to improve soon.

@magicravioli what kind of sleep training did you do, if you don't mind me asking? I'm scared to start! 🙈

Cranial osteopathy for head trauma can work miracles. Check not silent reflux either

@deeprealisation he's on infant gaviscon for reflux already but we tried to wean him off it last week but it didn't seem a good idea so back on it now!

Lots of people mentioning the osteopath so might go back to the person we saw when he was small and see if that helps again. Thank you all :)

DS is currently asleep in his cot but will probably wake in 15 mins (he has a false start every single night!) but DH and I are having a rare cuddle on the sofa so feeling a bit better now 😊

Ask for neocate or alfamino these are the two most commonly prescribed amino acid formulas
It is possibly reflux in addition or caused by the allergy or treatment for the allergy. The dairy free formulas are thin and can trigger reflux is used without a thicker

My daughter cried for 16-20h a day and spent 23h a day in my arms at 4 months old. I went dairy free at 4 and a half months and she improved so much. She has multiple allergies and severe reflux it took treating both of them to stop her distress. Her sleep has never been good but it gets better when her reflux is better controlled and worse when her reflux is bad. She is 3 now so I hear you with the sleep deprivation! We were completely unable to put her down for sleep before 10 months except for pram naps which were only if I pushed the pram and walked Infront her dad!

My DD was forceps and Osteopath made huge difference

I just wanted to offer you hugs OP. I could have written your post a few months ago. DD (now nearly 9 months old) was also a very very unsettled baby. Straightforward birth but tongue tie, reflux and CMPA meant she cried alllll the time. She cried on the playmat, she cried in the buggy, she cried in the cot, she screamed in the car. My husband got PND from it and was very withdrawn and miserable, I was hanging on by my fingernails.

I had to hold her for all naps. I had to cosleep, often with her on my chest. I cut dairy from my diet, she was prescribed hydrolysed milk.

I took her to cranial osteopath - no issues. Things that helped were changing her car seat from the baby seat things (we had a maxicosi pebble pro) to a more upright car seat (we have low centile babies so we have the Joie ispin 360) so she wasn't as reclined. Helped with the reflux in the car so she didn't scream every time I got her in there to go anywhere. Omeprazole, helped with the burning from said reflux. Tastes rank so they fight it to begin with but we got there, and it was a game changer. Changed to the buggy seat rather than bassinet (again, reflux) at about 4 months. Looked insane as she was so tiny but had it reclined as it could be and usually took her out in a baby carrier. And eventually sleep training.

I kept waiting for her to be well or for her sleep to start to improve but it never did. She never slept more than 40 mins all night. I thought we couldn't fix it. The first night we tried, she cried for 35 minutes ( with me sat next to her, stroking her back crying to myself because I felt so horrible) fell asleep and slept through the night. Believe me I checked on her at least every hour overnight, thinking something must be wrong.

Basically, there is light at the end of this hideously long, dark tunnel. You are doing amazingly and one day you will love parenting your DS, but don't let anyone make you feel like you should be loving every second right now because this is so hard xx