My baby is really easy going and my friends isn’t.

[Irishbabymama]

I’m 3 months postpartum and my baby is a dream, I’m very blessed he is just a chilled guy.

even though he is very chilled and I recognise I am very lucky with his temperament it doesn’t make it any less tiring and hard. I worry I’m not doing enough for him, I still have to wake up at night to breastfeed and while he is relaxed majority of the time he does still have his moments as does any baby.

my friend who had her baby at the same time as me is having a bit of a harder time, baby is fussy and hard to settle and doesn’t really sleep but he is also still gorgeous as all babies are, i try to tell her that it will get better and it’s hard now but as he grows it will get easier.

my issue is I think it’s coming between us as friends, she often complains to me about her little boy she can never do anything or gets break but I don’t really have much to complain about I can’t really relate.. and then if I do have a bad day or whatever I feel like I can’t vent to her as it’s always “ well he’s not as bad as this “ like my problems aren’t valid because he’s a bit more easy going

i don’t want to sound cocky or arrogant because motherhood is HARD but so far I have loved it and enjoy everything even the hard days and the long nights. I just don’t know what to say to her anymore because I feel like I can’t be excited about my baby because she’s having such a hard time with hers I don’t want to seem like I’m bragging.

i know every baby is different and mine could be a terrible toddler in time but everything I say I seem to put my foot in it because she is having such a hard time with her little boy!

im not really sure what advice I’m looking for I suppose I just wanted to get it off my chest and see what others think.

Tbh, I don’t think it’s appropriate to moan about a generally easy going baby to a friend who is having a shit time. I think you need to find other people to moan to. It’s a bit tone deaf.

When I was in this boat, as a mum of an also easygoing infant who is now an absolute tornado- I would express kindness and make comments about them all being different and how they’ll probably change personalities later on.

Lots of mirroring ‘oh, you were up every hour? That sounds utterly shit. I’m really sorry you’re struggling. Is Dave helping? It’s all a season, and will pass soon. Can I help in any way?’

Based on what you have written about ‘not being able to relate’ - I don’t think this is happening. You don’t need to be able to relate. You don’t need to emphasise. You need to sympathise. You need to be kind. And moaning about your generally chill baby just isn’t.

It’s a very vulnerable, sleep deprived, hormonal time for a lot of people. Your time might come later. Or it might not. No one knows. But if it does, hopefully people will be kind to you, not say they ‘can’t relate’.

I’ve read your post a few times and it has got my hackles up and I’m not even your mate, so I would try to rethink the interactions you’ve had with her.

I am in the situation of your friend and have a fussy baby and have friends with relatively calm and easy going babies. I don’t mind my friends complaining as it’s all relative but agree with @sickbucket67 about considering your audience when you feel like complaining

Don't worry, I had two easy babies and was probably unbearable.

Like my nct group used to moan about their shit husbands I just didn’t say anything. Same with our older teen. My time came with my second teen though so something always gets you in the end.

It isn’t that your problems aren’t valid, but right now she probably doesn’t have the headspace for them, and understandably so. I am in the same position as your friend, but a few months on, and it is relentless to be honest. You say it’s still tiring and hard, but try to imagine feeling everything you are feeling but add on “and I must be getting it wrong because Irish’s baby isn’t like this.”

I completely agree it’s about empathy. It sounds like you both need each other in different ways, so hopefully you’ll find an equilibrium. Becoming a mum is tough enough without it turning into a race to the bottom as to who has it tough enough. And for what it’s worth, my friend with the easy baby is my best friend now. Hers is still more chilled than mine, but I’ve made my peace with it now.

You could offer to take hers for an hour and let her get a break perhaps?

I was the same as you, OP. I really enjoyed my two when they were babies (and I still do!). I never knew what to say when all the other mums were moaning about how shit it is. I just kept hanging out with my own pre-existing friends rather than make any friends through my babies. Suited me perfectly! I really enjoy parenthood, and want to be able to say positive things without having to worry about offending people who seem to really struggle with it.

Stick in there, everybody finds different ages different so you might love it now but struggle with a toddler. If you are still friends in a few years I guarantee to want feel the same.

Thank you for your opinion and I get where your coming from but it’s a bit hard not to say things like “ oh he had me up most of the night last night “ when we are sat having a coffee together.

i do try to empathise with her as much as I can and when she asks for my advice I try to give her the best advice I can but we are both new mums struggling.

i don’t have any other friends who are mothers so it’s a bit hard to have conversations with other people who aren’t in the same boat and don’t fully understand.

i was hoping to get some advice on how I can stop this issue coming between us but I seem to have got the opposite reaction.

i didn’t mean to come across as ‘ tone deaf ‘ but as I mentioned I don’t have anyone else to speak to about this and I thought mumsnet might have been able to help how wrong I was haha thanks for making me feel even worse about the whole thing.

im blessed I have a relatively chilled baby and I pray every day it will last but would it not be worse if she complained to me and I replied back with “ oh well my baby’s really easy “ all I do is try to tell her that although he’s chilled he does also have his bad days which is expected with any newborn

Well no, even with a "chilled" baby I don't think it's reasonable to expect a 3month postpartum woman to look after someone else's baby.

Op, what do you think you'll want if your next baby is like your friend's?

I had the hard one first and the second was very easy, but I have friends who were shellshocked by sleep deprivation after a straight forward first. Obv I could empathise, but I deliberately didn't talk too much about ds1 (except to share things that had worked or to assure that it did pass), because I was currently not the one surviving on no sleep. Tea and sympathy.

A PP has given you an excellent example of how to reply to your friend when she shares her difficulties with you. You can sympathise even if you can't empathise and relate directly from your own experience. She probably just wants to feel heard and listened to. No need to compare to your own baby, either good or bad.

I was on the other side of this & had a really high needs baby (now diagnosed with SEN). To be honest the vast majority of people I met or were already friends with had easier babies than mine! I don’t know, maybe it was their approach but although I envied their easygoing babies I never felt they were smug or couldn’t relate to me. I personally wouldn’t mind you complaining to me as I think everyone has their issues but I think talking about what a good sleeper your child is never lands well!

Look up ‘empathetic listening’. It’s basically about making the right noises without actually giving advice. As pp says it’s about her feeling heard. If you keep offering answers it can give the impression you think she is doing it all wrong.

Yes I would second listening & avoid giving advice or opinions as I did have this a bit & found that hard.

Just listen to her, you don’t have to compare yourself. And maybe have some conversation that’s not about your babies.

Thank you for that I’m not trying to come across as arrogant or “oh I have the better baby” because there are no good or bad babies they are just babies learning how to be alive!
I haven’t got other mum friends to speak to and we both were so excited about our journey when we found out we were expecting at the same time it just seems to have driven a bit of a wedge between us now and when she asks for advice I don’t really know what to say because what works for mine might not work for hers and in 6 months time her boy could be the complete opposite and I might have a crazy baby!

so far I’m really enjoying it although I do look disheveled 90% of the time due to the lack of sleep I just hope we can stay friends through it because it seems very trivial to fall out over

The advice was in my post.

-Read the room when you are moaning

-Advice on mirroring and validating her feelings

…if you think are not getting what you want from the friendship, then try Peanut or local Facebook groups as a way to meet a more varied group of mums. Your friend is clearly struggling and she can’t be the company you need her to be.

There isn’t really any ‘advice’ anyone can give on your friend being a better sounding board for your moans and worries without her flying off the handle. We are only responsible for our own behaviour. You can’t make her act differently. You need to either engage differently with her, or withdraw if she isn’t giving you what you need.

My time came with my second teen though so something always gets you in the end.

Heh. Word, certainly with DD2. She is still absolutely lovely though, but does cause my stomach to do somersaults much more than DD1 ever has as a teenager. DD1 was a very stroppy toddler and had anxiety and not sleeping phases - she is still spectacularly grumpy at times but she is absolutely wonderful and so responsible and sensible. DD2 was a easy baby, easy toddler, easy child, but as a teenager it's like herding a cat.

As a mum of whirlwind boys, I was thrilled when the mum of a very chilled girl got a whirlwind boy next. She’d been sure it was her superior baby wrangling. I knew it wasn’t because DS1 was a nightmare and DS2 a relative doddle- all about the baby’s personality.

Just agree it’s really tough for her and you know you’d struggle too if you were doing it!

I'm in the 'leave your baby out of it completely' camp. So when she asks for advice about something, tell her a book you've read that's helped you or a website or YouTube site that you think might be helpful. Don't say 'I do this with mine...' just leave YOUR baby out of it. If she complains about no sleep, you just affirm her with 'that sounds really hard/grim/terrible, I understand where you're coming from.' There's no point in saying 'my baby was up x times last night' 'or yes, I know how you feel, X wouldn't settle last night.' Almost pretend you don't HAVE a baby when she's expressing her tiredness or exasperation with a situation.

If she asks about your baby, or what you do with yours, then you can tell her, but add something like 'but I've read/seen/heard that it doesn't always work and some people do xxx'. Only within your own experience of course, nobody is expecting you to read and watch everything and become a baby expert, but as your two babies are so different, your experience isn't her experience, so you can only go so far with empathy.

Tbh, I don’t think it’s appropriate to moan about a generally easy going baby to a friend who is having a shit time. I think you need to find other people to moan to. It’s a bit tone deaf.

I agree actually. I was in tears most days and I was the wrong audience for my NCT friend to moan about her easy baby. She was always so smug and gave people advice. He became really hard when he hit 2 years old though and she was mortified - her second baby was tough too which I secretly found funny as mine was really easy.

@Irishbabymama are you going to Baby and Toddler Groups? These are an excellent source of Mum friendships. Especially since you have an easy baby, you could find several to travel to and go to one every day.

That way, you'll meet lots of other Mums. You'll likely meet Mums of multiple children on their third, fourth or more child. They are a great source of parent to chat to for the sorts of conversations you seem to want. Much more so that a FTM with a high needs baby.

That said, you could still support your friend. But if you were getting your own friendship needs met in a different way, you'd feel less inclined to seek the 'isn't motherhood wonderful' vibes from a Mum who isn't feeling it so much.

It would also be good, as time goes on, to get a wider group of mum friends through - through playgroups or whatever

I had exactly this. With my bestest friend. Our 2 DC are now best friends and in their teens. I was empathetic, supportive and did not moan about mine at all! I used other friends for that. I know she also sought out others who had had colicky/fretful babies for advice. We didn’t let it come between us.

Mine did then become a high energy toddler who never stopped, whilst hers sat nicely and behaved…and I had a newborn too! 😅🤦‍♀️

I agree with some others that it's insensitive to moan to her.

I had an easy baby first time. I was quiet about it but I did find having a baby v hard in general and sometimes felt a bit like you with my friends who had colicky sad babies. Baby 2 is a much trickier customer and oh my god, the difference is incomparable. If I'd had one of these the first time there wouldn't be 2 kids.

So yes. Talk about other things with this pal, and seek out other mum friendships.