My baby is really easy going and my friends isn’t.

[Irishbabymama]

I’m 3 months postpartum and my baby is a dream, I’m very blessed he is just a chilled guy.

even though he is very chilled and I recognise I am very lucky with his temperament it doesn’t make it any less tiring and hard. I worry I’m not doing enough for him, I still have to wake up at night to breastfeed and while he is relaxed majority of the time he does still have his moments as does any baby.

my friend who had her baby at the same time as me is having a bit of a harder time, baby is fussy and hard to settle and doesn’t really sleep but he is also still gorgeous as all babies are, i try to tell her that it will get better and it’s hard now but as he grows it will get easier.

my issue is I think it’s coming between us as friends, she often complains to me about her little boy she can never do anything or gets break but I don’t really have much to complain about I can’t really relate.. and then if I do have a bad day or whatever I feel like I can’t vent to her as it’s always “ well he’s not as bad as this “ like my problems aren’t valid because he’s a bit more easy going

i don’t want to sound cocky or arrogant because motherhood is HARD but so far I have loved it and enjoy everything even the hard days and the long nights. I just don’t know what to say to her anymore because I feel like I can’t be excited about my baby because she’s having such a hard time with hers I don’t want to seem like I’m bragging.

i know every baby is different and mine could be a terrible toddler in time but everything I say I seem to put my foot in it because she is having such a hard time with her little boy!

im not really sure what advice I’m looking for I suppose I just wanted to get it off my chest and see what others think.

I’ve had one of each my first was an absolute nightmare who barely slept and required holding near constantly. I was a shell of my former self and really struggled physically and mentally.

My second is a few months old and he is incredibly easy by comparison. I keep pinching myself at how easy he is. I can’t believe that people have babies like this and have anything to moan about. Obviously he’s still a baby and I’m still waking multiple times a night to breastfeed but they really could not be any different and I have done nothing differently this time round, it’s purely luck of the draw so don’t go getting a big head about your parenting skills or magical routine. This will annoy your friend and rightly so.

A lot of the so called tips I read or was told about with my first now actually work on my second and that’s because he is just generally easier and more chilled so I’d scale back on any advice or tip sharing and just go for a sympathetic ear and lots of coffee.

Just enjoy your baby and enjoy your friends company without making it in to a competition. I don’t really see why your differing experiences need to come between you. Just sympathise and chat about other things too not every conversation needs to be about babies. TV/film/audiobook recommendations were always most welcome for me as it kept me occupied whilst I was nap-trapped for hours on end day in day out.

I found the first rule of having an easy baby is never tell anyone you have an easy baby! People just don't want to hear it. All you can do is listen and sympathise.

I've had one of each and I'm so glad I got the hard one first or it would have been an enormous shock

You can empathise with her if she is having a difficult time even if your baby at the moment is chilled. That can change as all kids go through phases. I think bragging about your baby sleeping through the night etc would be pretty tactless

I am very lucky with his temperament but it doesn’t make it any less tiring and hard.

Yes, it does make it less tiring and hard. I’ve had a difficult baby and an easy baby, and the difficult baby was far, far harder (clue is in the name!).

It’s four years ago now, but I still remember one awful conversation. I was almost in tears talking about my baby who was constantly, constantly crying. The other mum said ‘I’ve had a difficult day too- I made a cake when DS napped and haven’t had a chance to ice it’. I’m sure you’re not that insensitive…

I just want to add that I don’t ’Brag ‘ about anything we spend a lot of time together she has seen for herself what he’s like and often makes comments like “ what’s wrong with my baby why isn’t he like yours etc” every baby is different like adults, they have different personalities

i wouldn’t offer any advice unless she directly asked me for it and even then i always say that I don’t really know if it works cause im still learning myself, i just go by what i read etc

im well aware that he may be chilled now and a nightmare in years to come.

also my baby doesn’t sleep through the night at all he wakes up multiple times a night for feeds ( I can’t remember the last time I had a full nights sleep !) while hers actually generally sleeps through she just struggles to get him to nap during the day

Maybe as pp have suggested it would help you both to widen your social circle by going to some baby groups or mums and tots? Would take the pressure off this one relationship a bit.

I had one of each in terms of easy/hard babies and your comment about your baby's temperament not making it any less hard or tiring stuck out at me - in my experience it's definitely less hard and less tiring to have an easy baby! I'm not sure I could have understood just how different it is if I hadn't been through both versions. Maybe keep that in mind

I think just like babies, friendships have phases and this will pass. Your friendship will most likely survive this - your friend is half mad with sleep deprivation and is feeling desperate and tetchier than usual. My DS was a nightmare and what bothered me most was people telling me all the time that they couldn’t relate because they were having such a great time. I wouldn’t have minded at all hearing other people were tired too!

1. Widen your circle
2. Look up mirroring and empathetic listening techniques
3. Widen your circle ⭕️

It’s funny, I’ve just remembered one of my friends told me she used to lie to her NCT group about how hard it was because her baby slept so well & she felt she couldn’t tell people 😂.

I had a difficult first baby and two much easier babies afterwards. Empathy really is what your friend needs. Nothing will make a difference to her baby except time . I remember my dd bawling her head off and another mother with a dream baby the exact same age looking at me and asking did dd need a feed or a nappy change. She actually couldn't get her head around DD not fitting in with a routine and just randomly crying.

For what it’s worth OP I don’t think you’re coming across as smug & I can see your dilemma & the fact you want to stay close with your friend. It is tricky. I’ve actually had some issues with friendships now my DD is older as I think having a challenging child can put pressure on your relationship. The best friends have just been there to listen & even if they can’t relate they are there to support.