Genuinely feel like leaving my family

[testy1997]

Baby is 6 months. 2 under 2. Toddler is fine. Baby has been horrendous from the beginning. Bad with milk. Sleep was meh. Fussy as anything. Doesn't go to anyone. Hasnt weaned well.

I genuinely feel like leaving my family tonight. She's meeting milestones so nothing untoward going on. I just cannot do this anymore. It's so fucking hard. I hate being at home. I hate feeding her. I hate listening to her whinge all day.

I just don't want to be here. Not sure why I'm posting. I just am sat in the car sobbing

So sorry to read you are really struggling. I had similar with 2 under2 and just felt like they were all better off without me when my DS2 was 4 months. Please please speak to someone- my GP was so caring and supportive and diagnosed me with severe PND. Counselling and sertraline saved my life and gave me support to recover xxx

I had two under two and felt exactly the same. Now 2 and 4, it is much more fun and less exhausting. You will get there day by day. You could try putting some fun things in your diary to look forward to that give you some hours to remember who you are x

Op is she breast or bottle? If bottle she absolutely can go to someone else,ideally the Dad, and he'll have to cope. You do. He can.

Even a few hours away to let your ears stop ringing.

@testy1997 I completely understand, 2 under 2 here too, first child a breeze, second doesn't stop whinging all day & is a terrible sleeper. I sometimes feel like running away but know that I can't. Love my babies but it is so hard, I'm hoping for baby to start creche too & am actually thinking going to work will be a break. Feel like crying all the time. The thing is I don't actually think it's depression because anyone in this situation would feel the same. See how you feel after baby starts creche.

@InfraredMarbles I'm not sure how to do links on MN but this is the article I read. https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2023/11/13/stone-age-babies-received-better-parenting-study-suggests/ (I don't usually read the Telegraph!)

The thing is I don't actually think it's depression because anyone in this situation would feel the same

Exactly what I told DP the other day. Would anyone not feel depressed on 4-5 broken hours of sleep, a constant background noise of crying/whinging, grey rainy skies and a house that is permanently messy and a state no matter how much you clean/tidy?!

So sorry you're feeling like this, it's so hard looking after a 7 month old who's very grizzly at the minute, I can't imagine having a toddler as well. Hugs to you.

Have you ruled out milk allergy or anything like that? DD was like this until she was diagnosed with CMPA.

Random advice from former child minder. Look up the football pose. Worked for alot of fussy grumpy babies. Have u tried the bouncy seat? Had one babe who that was the only place they were happy

It is possible that the first few days may be tough. But the transformation when you get the dose right will be worth it. I remember feeling exactly the same but I’m so glad I started them.

I remember this feeling. And when you’re in the midst of it people tell you it will pass but that’s no help because every day feels like a hundred years.

I went back to work early, switched to formula, sleep trained. It all helped. And so did therapy.

You poor thing. I had 2 under 2 and it was so hard. My second was a terrible sleeper and very unhappy baby. I also had days where I cried with the exhaustion of it all. My two are 2 and 3 now and it is so much easier and they are happy and very close. It can still be hard at times but they sleep much better and play well together now. I went back to work full time when my youngest turned 1 and it saved my sanity.

I have also found that throwing money at things to make your life easier helps I.e a cleaner, food deliveries, ready meals, a dryer for clothes. Hang in there, it will get better x

I just hate my baby. Woke up with absolute dread on how I will get through the day. feel sick to my stomach

OP please return to your GP or contact the HV and let them know how bad things are. I understand your concern about the antidepressants making things worse but it’s important for you and your babies that you seek some sort of help.

I had the same experience of hating my baby and unfortunately left it so long that I ended up on a psych ward and with Social workers involved.

Is there a partner or babies Dad involved? If so they need to step up and do whatever is needed. If not, can you get out of the house to groups? Meeting other Mums who were going through similar or other parenting troubles helped. No one minds if a baby fusses and it will be a distraction for her and toddler.

And yes to childcare! Mine had to go to full time nursery early and they were looked after brilliantly.

Part of the reason that the antidepressants make you feel worse before they make you feel better is it can take 4-6 weeks to get to a stable therapeutic levels and see the benefits of the antidepressants. So it's not that antidepressants make you worse it's they take time to make it better. If you are still on a downward trajectory you might find that your mood gets worse both if you take the antidepressants and if you don't but if you do take them you are on the count down to when they will hopefully help.

My had a difficult baby with bad silent reflux and food allergies and cried continuously until 6 months and fussed continuously until about 9 months when it went to intermittently. I also had severe treatment resistant depression with pyschosis and really both her reflux/allergies and my poor MH health had to be adequately treated for me to get the full benefit and start to enjoy being a mum. I think a lot of the reasons my depression became treatment resistant was the fact I was in an impossible position with only my partner for support. He did absolutely everything in the house and all the cooking. I booked food shops and did the washing literally everything else was him. I couldn't have limbed through that year without him. I had the opposite experience to other posters as I had to put my return to work back as I couldn't have coped. I was due to go back to work when baby was 9 months but it was nearly 14 months when I went back on a sick note phased return starting on 2 days a week. I went back 4 days a week at 16 months.

I would take the pills, OP. Do you have a husband or partner? I think he needs to pick up the slack with the baby for a few days (over a weekend?) and give you a breather. Is there anyone (family, close friend?) who could take toddler for a few hours?
If you can, get them strapped into the pram and go out for.a walk, even in the rain. Get yourself a takeaway coffee/tea/hot chocolate and cake.

Try and find a baby/toddler group locally you could walk to. Nobody cares if baby fusses and you’ll find plenty mums/grandparents will be willing to help you.

Things always seem a lot worse stuck in your own four walls, especially if the place is (understandably!) a bit messy.

Exactly this. PND doesn't look how you think it's going to look. But from what you've said, I'd reach out to your GP or HV.
If it's this and treated you'll be feeling much more yourself very soon.

I felt better after 48 hours. But the first 48 hours I needed constant reassurance my baby was safe. I didn't feel worse but I did need extra reassurance.

Been there OP. Please hang on because in a few years time it gets SO GOOD. Take the meds. If you can’t feel worse then what harm can it do. Your babies need you x

I really feel for you. This is how I felt six months into my second maternity leave as well. We had. 20 month gap and second baby was super fussy about everything. I just put my head down and got through it.

But the good news is that you’re nearly out of the hardest bit. My little whinger cheered up massively at 9 months once he could sit and crawl and interact. Around that time I finally synched up their afternoon nap which made a huge difference (1h to myself most days!). By the time we hit a year they were interacting together, in childcare 3 days a week and DC2 was sleeping Through the night. It’s not been anywhere near as hard since then. They have a lovely bond and genuinely entertained each other from 18 months in.

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and you’ll get there. I promise. It’s not you. Two under two with a fussy second is incredibly hard.

Oh OP I know this feeling. With mine, it has got a lot better with each milestone- particularly crawling and then walking. He's now working on speech (15months) and is really whiney again- I assume frustration with almost but not quite being able to do something.

That doesn't help the feeling though. The only thing I found helped was to be at home as little as possible. I had a routine of activities (even cheap/free things like a walk around the park with a podcast in) that I did religiously. I felt I could manage the whining a lot better in public oddly. Also you definitely need some space to yourself- we had no regular support from family until recently so I can empathise.

If you can find even an hour for yourself to have a bath? I used to go for a walk with the dog or go to a coffee shop for an hour, as then I couldn't hear the baby (who stayed home with DH) that way so it felt like more of a real break. I second what others say about the anti-depressants, but if you are really uncomfortable would you consider therapy instead? You can self refer to IAPT/talking therapies in most (English?) NHS trust areas, and should get expedited as they take maternal MH seriously. They will likely offer you a group online option first, but if you do that and need more help they will likely offer you 1:1 support. Or they may triage you and offer you more focused support right away. Just be as honest as you can with them.

It's so hard, I'm so sorry. I still have days (like this morning!) where the whining does my nut in and I have to deep breath my way to nursery, but they are far less and the fun/enjoyable bits are far more common now. Hang in there.

Six months is TOUGH. I put a s countdown to six months on my phone and saw it yesterday and laughed because why did I think anything would get better at six months? Weaning I guess but it doesn't make much difference at first. They're a bit bigger but still soooo needy and you've been doing it for so long and it can feel unbearable. But it will start to get better soon. She might be a baby that will improve hugely when she can move and explore more, my ds1 was like this, and you're not far off that point.

Nursery won't hate your baby OP. It just feels that way because you're so beat down.

Do you have a DH/DP to give you some time? I have had to do all nights with my fussy bf babies but I found a half hour bath (for me!) a night made a big difference, the sensory soothing perhaps and washing all those touched- out ness off.

Thank you!