Toddler Laws !!!

[fernyburn]

I though this would bring a smile to those stressed mums out there !!!

Toddler Property Laws

1. If I like it, it's mine.

2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

6. If I'm doing or building something, all of the pieces are mine.

7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.

8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.

TODDLER RULES

If it is on, I must turn it off.

If it is off, I must turn it on.

If it is folded, I must unfold it.

If it is a liquid, it must be shaken, then spilled.

If it a solid, it must be crumbled, chewed or smeared.

If it is high, it must be reached.

If it is shelved, it must be unshelved.

If it is pointed, it must be run with at top speed.

If it has leaves, they must be picked.

If it is plugged, it must be unplugged.

If it is not trash, it must be thrown away.

If it is in the trash, it must be removed, inspected, and thrown on the floor.

If it is closed, it must be opened.

If it does not open, it must be screamed at.

If it has drawers, they must be rifled.

If it is a pencil, it must write on the refrigerator, monitor, or table.

If it is full, it will be more interesting emptied.

If it is empty, it will be more interesting full.

If it is a pile of dirt, it must be laid upon.

If it is stroller, it must under no circumstances be ridden in without protest. It must be pushed by me instead.

If it has a flat surface, it must be banged upon.

If Mommy's hands are full, I must be carried.

If Mommy is in a hurry and wants to carry me, I must walk alone.

If it is paper, it must be torn.

If it has buttons, they must be pressed.

If the volume is low, it must go high.

If it is toilet paper, it must be unrolled on the floor.

If it is a drawer, it must be pulled upon.

If it is a toothbrush, it must be inserted into anything and everything.

If Mummy takes me out of the bath and I wanted to get out by myself, I must climb back in again and then climb out by myself. Similarly, if she closes the door/ turns the light off/ puts my shoe on, all these things must be undone so that I can re-do them by myself, especially if we are running late.

The bin is where your dinner lives until it is ready to eat

You will reject cheesy mashed potato as if it is poison, then crunch wax crayons with every sign of enjoyment.

You will not insert your finger into any hole big enough to remove your finger from.

The appropriate method of obtaining chocolate/new toys is to lie on the floor in the shop and look abused until mummy caves in.

Interesting things must be pointed out in a loud, ciear voice, even if your normal mode of speech is a muffled mumble ie; "Mummy, that man is fat. Isn't he, Mummy? Mummy, he's fat isn't he? Mummy, why is that man so fat? Mummy?"

Green is nature's way of ensuring children know what is poisenous.

The appropriate response to anything and everything which is said to you is "Why?"

Must tell nanny she bought the wrong christmas present, even though l had it on my list.

Tell grandad he is fat.

Ask mummy a million whys during a movie at the cinema.

Ask mummy if she has wiped and washed her hands after using the toilet.

Must unlock door on public toilet as mummy is squatting above toilet seat with drawers round her ankles & then run off.

It is your duty to prove that anything which claims to be "child-proof" wasn't properly tested.

nappies must be worn on head and not on bottom
i must post thing through the letter box to outside then cry and look baffled when its gone
mummys books dvds videos ect are a lot more intresting than my toys even though i have them all
i must try and make a mess while mummy is cleaning then run straight for some i threw on the floor so i can trip over it

I will only "explore my genitalia" when I have a large fresh poo in my nappy.

I will refuse to wear my nappy unless I am sitting on the potty.

Sudocream is for rubbing into the carpet at every available opportunity.

When I am frustrated becuase I am not getting 110% of mummy's attention I will move an toy in the room FORECEABLY just to let mummy know that i am NOT happy. The toy may only move 2mm but the point has been made!!!

lol fernybern. Just what I needed, a good laugh.

Just had extra laughs from all the other ones too. Oh it's so true. Am going to print this out for dh to read, just so he can see that it's not just ours.

I will wait until mummy is in the middle of cleaning the bathroom when the phone rings and whilst her back's turned, take the bath scourer and start to clean the £3k tv screen with it.

I will lock the cat flap with no-one noticing before we all leave for the day so the 2 cats are stuck in and pee in the kitchen;

I will play post mummy's purse and phone out of the cat flap to see if we have honest neighbours;

I will wait until we are half way "there" before screaming that I have left my water at home.

oh and:

Rip every flap off my brand new lift the flap books;

Sit on the potty for 20 minutes and do nothing, stand up and wee on the floor;

Put mummy's toothrush down the toilet;

Unroll the loo roll and block the loo with it.

go for a nap clean, and wake up sticky.....(how?)

scream at mummy for cutting my sandwich into 4 squares when l wanted triangles or was it squares? Oh now l am not going to eat it.

When Mummy tells me it's time to go somewhere I will refuse to walk to the garage. But then when Mummy picks me up and carries me I will scream because I wanted to walk, and I will run back to the room I was originally in and then walk to the garage.

If I have 20 markers in front of me and my sister has one, I want the colour that my sister has.

I will refuse to eat my dinner until it has been thrown out at which point I will suddenly be dying of hunger.

I will do up my zips by myself and Mummy will not help me, and of course I will scream when I am unable to do it even though Mummy is offering very nicely to help me.

I must ask mummy continuously "what are ya doin mummy?" even if it is the same thing as the last time she answered and the time before that, etc etc...
Oh - and i must only watch 5 minutes of each video/dvd before watching another one.

PMSL - this is so funny! Am just entering this world (DS 15mo) and can already see how true it is! At least they are all the same...

northstar, my dd is exactly the same!

what you doin mummu
what you doin mummy
what you doin mummy
what you doin mummy
what you doin mummy

i want nemo

5 mins later

i want shrek

When Mummy is all dressed up and ready to go out, the correct behaviour is to regurgitate dinner neatly down her front. This is very important when she got up that little bit later than she should have.

Shoes are for chewing or for putting through the catflap. On no account allow them to go on your feet.

when in a public place take off and discard items of clothing to help you find your way home (he got down to his bodysuit thing in the supermarket yesterday...)

I will not wear my gloves

I will not wear my hat

I will cry, loudly, in manner designed to attract as much sympathy as possible for my illtreatment resulting in the fact I am blue with cold

I will smile and flirt with old ladies but if they speak to me I will take great exception and scream loudly as if faced with horror of own mortality

Projectile vomiting is to be saved for visiting other people's houses and is to be aimed carefully at their most expensive piece of electronic equipment.

Changing tables are for dancing on and changing mats are for balancing on my head.

Huges poos are to be saved for the second after mummy has put me in the only swim nappy she has with her.

Stay completely dry while babysitter is here for the half day and then do enormous, change every stitch of clothes poo 2 minutes after she walks out the door.