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Parenting

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Original poster

Locks on DD3 door?

32 replies

badmumsclub88 · 28/12/2023 18:35

I joke about the lock, but seriously DD3 will not stay in her room at night and sleeps between me & DP.

I’ve tried baby gates (short and tall) - she climbs over. Decorating her room. Putting her back to bed each time (5 hours, coming out of room every few minutes). Sticker charts, routines, staying calm, being firm, shouting - you name it I feel like I’ve tried it.

On the rare occasions (maybe 3 times) she’s fallen asleep in her bed, she’s woken up and got in with us anyway - and I’m so exhausted, worryingly, I often don’t know she’s done it as I’m in a deep sleep.

She is relentless, stubborn and super smart.

It’s at the point my dad (with good intentions, but I was slightly mortified) has offered to pay for a super nanny/sleep expert type to help and my mum asks almost daily “where did you sleep” and DD replies “in my bed” knowing full well she didn’t.

why can’t I crack this?!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

stargirl1701 · 28/12/2023 18:36

Put a mattress on the floor of your room.

Put a double bed in her room and bedshare.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/12/2023 18:38

Is she your third or 3?

Mumoftwo1312 · 28/12/2023 18:38

Your dd sounds like mine. Mine would have the awareness to be extremely distressed when trying her door at night and finding it locked. I'd never do that.

She'd (my dd) also understand that we'd done it deliberately, and why (because we don't want to sleep with her) and she would be so upset by this.

The only thing I'm prepared to do is talk to her about why it's best to stay in her room. And praise like mad when she stays in her own bed later than usual eg 5, 6am instead of 1, 2am.

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TurquoiseDress · 28/12/2023 18:39

How old is she? Or 3rd daughter?

Mumoftwo1312 · 28/12/2023 18:41

Your mum needs to stop asking your dd "almost daily" about where she sleeps. She is not helping whatsoever by making an issue out of it in your dd's mind.

Original poster

badmumsclub88 · 28/12/2023 18:41

TurquoiseDress · 28/12/2023 18:39

How old is she? Or 3rd daughter?

Shes 3 - I don’t know why I’ve put DD3 throughout - must be the tiredness! 😂

OP posts:

Original poster

badmumsclub88 · 28/12/2023 18:45

Mumoftwo1312 · 28/12/2023 18:38

Your dd sounds like mine. Mine would have the awareness to be extremely distressed when trying her door at night and finding it locked. I'd never do that.

She'd (my dd) also understand that we'd done it deliberately, and why (because we don't want to sleep with her) and she would be so upset by this.

The only thing I'm prepared to do is talk to her about why it's best to stay in her room. And praise like mad when she stays in her own bed later than usual eg 5, 6am instead of 1, 2am.

Totally, with my son, I feel like he just accepted things and was pretty easy going eg never tried to climb baby gates, accepted bedtime.

with my daughter it’s honestly like it’s a game and she’s calculating her move - I adore how switched on she is during the day but the night times not so much!

ill try the praise, thank you x

OP posts:

Autumn1990 · 28/12/2023 18:47

I just made the upstairs child safe, left some safe toys out (happyland), the landing light on and if I remember a snack and a drink. But generally mine just comes and climbs in my bed and I don’t wake up.
I couldn’t lock her in a room on her one, it would traumatise her.
Some nights I’m wedged between the 3 year old and the 6 year old and rather grumpy in the morning but it’s just part of parenting. Naturally we would have slept in groups

Original poster

badmumsclub88 · 28/12/2023 18:47

Mumoftwo1312 · 28/12/2023 18:41

Your mum needs to stop asking your dd "almost daily" about where she sleeps. She is not helping whatsoever by making an issue out of it in your dd's mind.

Totally, and then I feel like I’m also be mum shamed and this is awful to admit but like I don’t even want to deal with it whilst I’m being judged as it’s added pressure (although absolutely not the right response from me lol)

OP posts:

Candycurrantbun · 28/12/2023 18:47

Buy a king sized bed. She will grow out of it.

cariadlet · 28/12/2023 18:48

I gave up trying to put dd back to bed when I realised that I was only doing it because I felt that I should.

If you don't mind her getting in with you and your dp, then let her. If it's hard to sleep with her in there, then let her sleep on the floor next to your bed.

Dd went through a very long phase (a few years) of making up beds on her floor, our bedroom floor and the landing - not every night, but a few times a week. She was a sound sleeper and didn't wake up stiff and uncomfortable in the morning so we let her get on with it and just took care not to tread on her.

Alwaysdieting · 28/12/2023 18:51

I read a post where someones daughter kept getting up in the night and they brought her a human dog bed from Amazon. Apparently she has slept all night in it since.

cariadlet · 28/12/2023 18:53

I've just reread the op and seen that you often don't know that she's got into bed with you.

In that case, I'd just let her co-sleep with you. The precautions about doing it safely are for babies. You don't need to worry by the time she's 3.

When my dd got into our bed, dp and I were shoved to the edge because she liked to starfish but it sounds as if you can sleep well with her in the bed so if you're only stopping her because you're worried about being judged then I'd let her get on with it.

Oatsamazing · 28/12/2023 18:57

I lay with my DD3 in her bed until she goes back to sleep. I've always done this and find she has only wanted to get in our bed a couple of times. I am a light sleeper though so can't sleep with her in my bed, I end up on the sofa instead. If you sleep okay with her in your bed then I wouldn't worry about it.

Sugarfree23 · 28/12/2023 18:57

Op what's the issue with her being in your bed if your both getting sleep?

It's probably the most natural place for her to be. Animals sleep with their young.

Honestly I'd run with it, she'll out grow it in her own time. At 16 the last place she'll want to be is your bed!

Twitch45 · 28/12/2023 18:57

DS2 is 11 and still goes through phases of needing to be in with us. We put an airbed next to our bed and he just gets in whenever he needs to. Sometimes every night for a month, sometimes a year will go by and he's not needed it. Just having it there is really reassuring for him.

I know he'll grow out of it. DS1 used to love sleeping in my bed, but when I suggested it recently when he was feeling ill he was horrified 🤣

bettynutkins · 28/12/2023 19:03

If you're happy with it then leave it. My 3 year old insists on sleeping in with me so I let him.

If it bothers you I'm afraid I have no advice due to the above lol

stargazer02 · 28/12/2023 19:06

Is it disrupting your sleep much?

I know adults who can't sleep well when their partner isn't there and so as it wasn't too disruptive to my sleep, I let my kids come in as much as they wanted. (We co-slept intentionally til about 3.5 as they still bf at night then) They stopped of own accord before primary, but both came back in after starting school for a few weeks. Occasionally still come in (now 7 & 10). It might not be typical but it works for my family. Don't really care what others think!

But if it is disruptive I'd suggest gently weaning her away in a way that works for you - maybe one of you in her room for a while, or a bed in your room. Friends have used one of their worn t-shirts as a pillow cover for similar aged kids.

FilippityFiloppity · 28/12/2023 19:20

I hate to break it to you, but I was about 12 before I fully grew out of this.

As an adult, I can recognise that the dark makes me anxious, and if DP is away I tend to leave a light on and an audiobook, as it really spooks me to be alone in the dark. As a child I probably didn’t outwardly look scared - I didn’t cry, or voice that I was scared, and my mum made similar comments about not always realising I’d got in until she woke up.

Agree that asking her where she’s slept and making a big deal of it isn’t going to help anyone. I was super ashamed of it as I got older, but that didn’t change anything in the dark.

Can you try treating her as if she’s afraid? Stay with her, night light, familiar toy and a worn T-shirt, and see if that helps?

WHALESURPRISE · 28/12/2023 19:33

It sounds like your patents think it's really important that a the year old sleeps in her own bed

And it isn't!

Let her sleep with you, problem solved

Original poster

badmumsclub88 · 28/12/2023 19:35

Sorry for not doing this as an individual reply - I feel like I’m drip feeding adding this now - the reason I was hoping to get her more in her own room was because she won’t sleep until we do, and I’d like her to go to bed at a decent time for her age and so I can watch tv etc and have some alone time at the end of an evening. I’d be absolutely up for doing this if she was snoozing next to me but she’s wide awake like she has FOMO is the only way to describe it. She will be up and down between me and my partner seeing what we are doing until we settle to sleep then she’d ideally climb between us and go straight off. But obviously this isn’t ideal if it’s 10/11pm and she’s up early in the morning.

I’m just going through comments but some of these are really helpful - the tshirt suggestion is a great point I wonder if I should give her my pillow and see if that helps

OP posts:

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 28/12/2023 19:37

My twins 8 currently co sleep with me, my oldest did it til he was about 10, even if I pit them in to their own beds, they'll ninja in to mine in the middle of the night, as long as everyone is getting a decent sleep, I don't think it matters

Aparecium · 28/12/2023 19:47

Putting her back to bed each time (5 hours, coming out of room every few minutes).

How many consecutive nights did you do this for? Did you speak or make eye-contact? Did you stick to one adult for the whole evening? In other words, did you make it as boring and as unrewarding as possible?

It is an effective method, and not distressing for the child, but takes a massive investment of time and effort from the parents.

Sugarfree23 · 28/12/2023 19:48

OK you have two totally separate issue. You need her to at least settle in her own bed. Doesn't matter if she appears in yours in the middle of the night.

Bedtime routine, story and bed. My 7yo still asks for lullabies and a bit of light.

We are in the holiday period, decide when Bedtime is and just keep taking her back to bed. As little interaction as possible after you have put her into bed the first time.
It will be exhausting, but you'll have a few nights of it before she gets the message.

Mamma1982 · 28/12/2023 19:51

My friend is traumatised by her parents locking her in her room as a child. Now she sleeps with all bedroom doors wide open and won't allow any to be closed. She has 2 children of her own and is a police officer. So she's seen and dealt with a lot. Just don't do it.

It's hard and I've tried the method of putting my son back to bed and so forth. I've given up. I co-sleep with him and he's 4. I also have a 2 year old and 1 year old. I really hope they don't go through this! I know how hard it is but please never lock a child in their room. It will scar them forever.

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