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Parenting

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Original poster

Locks on DD3 door?

32 replies

badmumsclub88 · 28/12/2023 18:35

I joke about the lock, but seriously DD3 will not stay in her room at night and sleeps between me & DP.

I’ve tried baby gates (short and tall) - she climbs over. Decorating her room. Putting her back to bed each time (5 hours, coming out of room every few minutes). Sticker charts, routines, staying calm, being firm, shouting - you name it I feel like I’ve tried it.

On the rare occasions (maybe 3 times) she’s fallen asleep in her bed, she’s woken up and got in with us anyway - and I’m so exhausted, worryingly, I often don’t know she’s done it as I’m in a deep sleep.

She is relentless, stubborn and super smart.

It’s at the point my dad (with good intentions, but I was slightly mortified) has offered to pay for a super nanny/sleep expert type to help and my mum asks almost daily “where did you sleep” and DD replies “in my bed” knowing full well she didn’t.

why can’t I crack this?!

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Aparecium · 28/12/2023 19:52

She may need a later bedtime. My cousin's dc went to bed after 9pm until they started school. They just weren't tired enough to sleep any earlier. School exhausted them - they were fast asleep by 7pm on school days. My cousin complained that they could no longer eat out in the evenings, as a babysitter was much more expensive than tiny child-size portions!

slawsdregga · 28/12/2023 20:12

Mattress on the floor in your room. She's welcome to come and sleep there when she wants as long as she does NOT wake you up

This changed our lives!

Original poster

badmumsclub88 · 28/12/2023 20:50

Mamma1982 · 28/12/2023 19:51

My friend is traumatised by her parents locking her in her room as a child. Now she sleeps with all bedroom doors wide open and won't allow any to be closed. She has 2 children of her own and is a police officer. So she's seen and dealt with a lot. Just don't do it.

It's hard and I've tried the method of putting my son back to bed and so forth. I've given up. I co-sleep with him and he's 4. I also have a 2 year old and 1 year old. I really hope they don't go through this! I know how hard it is but please never lock a child in their room. It will scar them forever.

No i promise it was in jest as it feels like the only thing I hadn’t tried (but would never try). This bedtime might be killing me but I adore her id never do that to her. I just have to laugh or I’ll cry as at this point I’m pretty sure she’s that smart about it nothing would stop her getting out of her bedroom - she climbed a really, really tall baby gate (the first night I brought it, it was £80 or something) and now I won’t consider anything on or across her door x

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Original poster

badmumsclub88 · 28/12/2023 20:52

Aparecium · 28/12/2023 19:47

Putting her back to bed each time (5 hours, coming out of room every few minutes).

How many consecutive nights did you do this for? Did you speak or make eye-contact? Did you stick to one adult for the whole evening? In other words, did you make it as boring and as unrewarding as possible?

It is an effective method, and not distressing for the child, but takes a massive investment of time and effort from the parents.

So I followed what I’d seen from a sleep “expert” - no engagement, no eye contact, no anything except lifting her up and putting her back in the bed. It was just me yeap (honestly I think DP would have cracked). But I think you’ve hit the nail on the head - I think I did it for 4 or 5 days straight but should have kept at it not considered it something that wasn’t working…I think I need to try again

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Original poster

badmumsclub88 · 28/12/2023 20:55

Sugarfree23 · 28/12/2023 19:48

OK you have two totally separate issue. You need her to at least settle in her own bed. Doesn't matter if she appears in yours in the middle of the night.

Bedtime routine, story and bed. My 7yo still asks for lullabies and a bit of light.

We are in the holiday period, decide when Bedtime is and just keep taking her back to bed. As little interaction as possible after you have put her into bed the first time.
It will be exhausting, but you'll have a few nights of it before she gets the message.

Yes another good point I’ve been trying to crack both at the same time - but I should just think of it as settling in bed as the first hurdle then hopefully she will start going through the night. X

OP posts:

Mumoftwo1312 · 28/12/2023 21:21

Imo she's too old for lots of the things you are trying. Firstly baby gates are really for babies. They dont work once the kid is old enough to be aware of what they want on the other side. Secondly the no eye contact thing doesn't work at age 3.

The root cause of her not settling isn't exactly fomo - it's a need for closeness and companionship. You need to talk to her and explain, "we are here, just downstairs doing the housework before we go to bed ourselves. You can call for us whenever you need us, we love you" etc. Every time she wakes "mummy's here, I love you" etc.

Things like no eye contact, gates, etc will all be counter productive and make her more clingy and in need of connection. Make her feel like she has to stay awake because once she falls asleep, the barriers will shoot up (actual literal ones in your case...!)

Aparecium · 28/12/2023 23:24

I think I did it for 4 or 5 days straight but should have kept at it not considered it something that wasn’t working

TBH if you did it with complete consistency for 4-5 days and saw no improvement over that time, then you were right. It was something that was not working.

I disagree with the PP that the silent return does not work for 3yos. IME it does work.

But perhaps the problem needs to be broken down into smaller steps. There's going to bed before you do, staying in bed, falling asleep, falling asleep in her own bed, and staying in her own bed. Perhaps trying to resolve all of these issues at once is just too much.

I think the one I'd pick to work on first is falling asleep in her own bed. Accept for now her late bed time and her climbing into your bed later in the night.

Your mum must stop asking your dd about her sleep. She sounds like a smart little girl and she has noticed that this issue gives her control over the adults - which is a potent reason for her to fight any change.

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