I feel uncomfortable saying 'I love you' to my 2 year old son

[Tulvander]

Am I being funny or is this a completely normal feeling? I grew up in a broken family and since I was very young, I hardly heard my parents telling me 'I love you.' When my mother left me before I became a teenager, I only had my father to rely on and he hardly ever said those words to me even before he died of cancer. My dad was a very loving and caring dad but he showed it in a different way mainly by buying me things I asked for and providing for my everyday needs like food, a roof over my head, going to school and hanging out with friends. He even paid for me to join him on a very lovely river cruise on the Rhine after he retired. However, never an 'I love you'. The only people I ever feel comfortable saying I love you are my husband, my best friend who I consider my sister, and my half sister. But for some reason, I feel all uncomfortable whenever I try to tell my son 'I love you.' I definitely love him to bits without a doubt and I shower him with hugs and kisses and cuddles and will do anything and everything to make sure that he is a happy and caring boy but whenever there is that mother and son moment where I should say 'I love you' to him, I get super uncomfortable. I feel like Im just forcing myself to bring out the words when really I would much prefer to just cuddle and play with him and shower with kisses and go out for walks and adventures. Does anyone else feel like this? XD

I never really got told I love you as a child either, I felt loved in lots of ways but the words weren’t said. I found it uncomfortable at first saying it when my eldest was born but I say it everyday to my children at some point. It now feels natural and they feel very comfortable saying they love me and their dad too.
I would encourage you to say it, maybe at bedtime when you tuck him in, it will become more natural then and it isn’t a lie, you clearly love him.

I never got told I love you as a child either even though I had a loving upbringing. It just wasn't something that was said, and I barely got any hugs or cuddles. However I probably overcompensate and say it far too much to my two year old as well as being extremely cuddly with her.

I do feel a bit awkward saying I love you to her in front of my parents though, don't know why.

Sounds odd but would you be more comfortable saying 'Mummy loves you'?

i think it can feel awkward when they’re young. My PND meant I didn’t actually feel love for quite a longtime. Now they’re older and I am well I say it every day. It’s much more natural and not awkward because I know he understands it more so he needs to hear it.

I think it’s weird tbh and something you need to get over. I’ve never been someone to say “I love you” to family and my parents didn’t say it regularly. But, my son hears it from me multiple times a day, everyday. He deserves to hear how important he is and so does your child.

I tell my 2 year old that I love her so much numerous times a day. I never want there to be any doubt in her head just how loved she is. I think it would be worth pushing through and getting yourself used to saying it to him. He deserves to hear it.

What exactly makes you uncomfortable about it? You need to really dig deep in here and figure out why it feels "wrong".

In the meantime do you think it might help if you baby talk it/make it silly or funny.

Like "i wuv you" , "love you lots and lots and lots" , silly little phrases rather than a big "declaration ".

My DP never heard it growing up so makes a conscious effort to say it often to the kids (and me). I'd imagine sometimes it seems excessive but he'd rather they heard it all the time than not at all. He shows it in other ways too so the words are backed with actions.
I don't know if he always 'feels' it but it's there all the time.
My kids are older and say it often to us and each other. One commented recently that they hadn't realised some people don't say it to their parents whereas we hear it often and they text it too.
He was determined to break that cycle and he has.

I don't think your experience is unusual OP, surely that's how most of us grew up. I don't think it was that common to say I love you in families in the 70s/80s/90s in the UK, or where I'm from (Australia). As you said, it doesn't mean you didn't have a good and happy childhood.

Bu times have changed and many people like to do it differently now.

I do force myself to say it, but I don't see what's wrong with that. I'm happy when I do it and so are they, so a little bit of forcing yourself/effort isn't bad in this case.

My parents never said 'I love you'. I knew they did though. If you want to make sure you say it, it's just practice. Start by saying 'love you' as it's easier. Once they start saying it to you, it's much easier (honestly I think my kids picked it up from US TV, which I'm actually quite grateful for. They mean it of course!)

You sound like a very loving mother ❤️ actions speak louder than words, as long as his happy and content he will know how much he is loved 🥰 I don't say it much and my kids are older, but they know. I guess everyone has their own love language...you do what feels right for you.

If you can’t say “I love you”, can you say an alternative? I tell DS that he is my favourite person in the whole wide world, that he is the best person ever, my perfect little boy, my little sweetheart, my lovey, that his hair/eyes etc are beautiful. I do also tell him I love him, but I tell him lots of other things too.

I've never, ever heard anyone in my family say it, though I'm pretty sure my dad did. Very emotionally constipated family.

I forced myself to say it to DD. It gets much easier the more you say it. It feels less weighty, the nerves disappear as it becomes more routine.

You can start with putting it in the third person, or when they've done something particularly cute a brief "love you, baby" or similar. But it does get easier, I promise. And I think it's worth it.

(I asked my kids if they knew I love them and they rolled their eyes like it was the most obvious thing in the world, so it must be working here!)

Have a look for books called 'Running on Empty' by Dr Jonice Webb,she writes on Childhood Emotional Neglect and how it affects us as children and as parents ourselves and how to break the cycle of emotional neglect.Theyve been a huge eye opener for me as I was very similar to you,I had a childhood with clean clothes,fed well,all my basic needs covered but not the emotional side which has and still does effect me.
Her second book 'Running on Empty no more' specifically talks about breaking this cycle as a parent so your own children don't become emotionally neglected too.
It's one of those things that you don't even realise is happening to you as a child and one day and after a lot of searching for why I feel the way I do I found her books and it ticked so,so many boxes for me about why I am the way I am.
It's quite eye opening when you learn how much your own childhood effects you as an adult.
Best of luck OP.💐

Don't repeat the cycle.

You clearly want to say it but feel weird saying it.

But the more you say it, the less weird it will feel.

Your son will regard it as normal.

Keep saying it, no matter how awkward, until you get used to it. It really, really matters. Your child needs to hear you say this.

Children need to know they are loved and need to feel love.

I think it's important to know that if I drop dead tomorrow, they would always remember how much I love them and remember being told.

I tell both my kids that I love them several times throughout the day. It's not intentional, or a conscious decision, it just comes naturally. Especially my youngest when he comes downstairs in the morning with messy hair, rubbing his eyes and looking like he doesn't know what planet he's on, I could burst through wanting to squeeze him and tell him how much I love him my oldest is more reserved but does love a hand squeeze three times which we both know means " I love you ".

I draw a little heart and put I ❤️ U inside the foil of their sandwiches in school packed lunches. If they are having a tricky day they have a little something to give them a boost and remember they are so loved.

Sometimes I'm silly with it and cover them in kisses and say I love you over and over until they are in fits of laughter. Sometimes it's a proper cuddle and a more serious "I love you so much"

Every night before lights out I tell them goodnight, I love you.

I think it's an important part of emotional development to be able to show loved ones how you feel without being embarrassed or awkward.

If you want your son to hear you say it then build it into your routine - when you tuck him up in his bed at night you can start saying something like ´goodnight, sleep tight, mummy and daddy love you lots and lots’.
Or get a picture book like ´guess how much I love you’.
Over time you might find you feel comfortable saying it in other contexts too. And if not, he’ll still be hearing it every day, in addition to seeing and feeling how much you love him from actions and cuddles.

Tell yourself first. Look in the mirror and say it, then keep saying it. Then perhaps whisper it to your DS while he’s asleep to get used to it. Then say it either in a whisper or voice when he first gets up with your good morning kiss/ cuddle. Try doing it while kissing his hair or during a cuddle to start with rather than staring into his eyes. Tell him again at bedtime when you put the lights out, try in the dark if you feel uncomfortable. Other times could be while he’s on your knee and you are reading to him or snuggling watching tv. Any time is a good time, but start with intimate moments at the beginning and end of the day - it will become natural

My mum had a really hard time growing up and because of this it made her really closed off in regards to saying she loved us or showing us physical affection. We didnt know this growing up and I personally, just took it as she didnt like me 🤦‍♀️😅
She showed us love in a different way we never went without anything and had a brilliant childhood. But as a child and a teenager more than anything I needed her to verbally confirm she cared about me
She had 4 kids and one is the same as her, very closed off, doesnt show big emotions and does not like being cuddled or told their loved

The rest of us have gone the opposite and all love being cuddled and told we are loved

I'm really affectionate with my DC, we hug each other wveryday and tell each other we love each other everyday,

If I were you I'd just try and push past the uncomfortable feeling you get. It's just 3 little words but it can literally mean the world to a child

If people have not been raising to hear I love you or had physical affection they can often then struggle with this once they become a parent themselves.

The key is to make yours say I love you regularly until it becomes just a routine thing and you stop thinking about it. So start with saying "mummy loves you" every bedtime as you away goodnight to your child. That way nobody else is around to make you feel awkward. Then say it during the day whenever you are going to be apart. Eventually you won't even think about it. The same goes for people that don't feel comfortable with physical affection towards their child unless for practical reasons.

Children need to know they are loved and need to feel love.

This is true. But I never felt the slightest need to hear my parents reciting the words day after day. They showed me they loved me every second of the day, in a million ways. I would have found it cringey in the extreme to have to listen to saccharin, American soap style declarations all the time. And would actually have wondered if something was wrong if they had suddenly started spelling out basic emotions.

I guess ways of parenting change over time. It certainly seems weird to me that nowadays you’re marked down as a bad parent if you don’t make constant declarations of something that ought to be obvious to every loved child.

It is strange how much things have shifted judging by this post! I also grew up in a family where my parents never (and still don’t!) tell me they love me. But I’ve never doubted for second that they do!

I now over compensate properly with my son and don’t find it awkward at all (apart from in front of my own parents like @Yuckyyuckyuckity)

I don’t think you need to say it all day every day as clearly if that’s not what you’re comfortable with, you do love him and that will shine through anyway. Maybe pop your head in once he’s asleep and tell him, then build up to saying it occasionally before bed too!

Actions speak louder than words and it sounds like you are raising your kid to be secure and happy. He will know he is loved.
I do a fun hand signal with mine as I drop him at nursery - make a heart shape with my hands across my actual heart and then a sort of boom explosion. He copies and giggles.

I didn't grow up with it being sad very often and I'm not sure that I said it much to my children when they were little. However now they are teens they say it all the time to us, every time they leave the house, say goodbye, good night etc, I now always reply the same or say 'I love you more'