I feel uncomfortable saying 'I love you' to my 2 year old son

[Tulvander]

Am I being funny or is this a completely normal feeling? I grew up in a broken family and since I was very young, I hardly heard my parents telling me 'I love you.' When my mother left me before I became a teenager, I only had my father to rely on and he hardly ever said those words to me even before he died of cancer. My dad was a very loving and caring dad but he showed it in a different way mainly by buying me things I asked for and providing for my everyday needs like food, a roof over my head, going to school and hanging out with friends. He even paid for me to join him on a very lovely river cruise on the Rhine after he retired. However, never an 'I love you'. The only people I ever feel comfortable saying I love you are my husband, my best friend who I consider my sister, and my half sister. But for some reason, I feel all uncomfortable whenever I try to tell my son 'I love you.' I definitely love him to bits without a doubt and I shower him with hugs and kisses and cuddles and will do anything and everything to make sure that he is a happy and caring boy but whenever there is that mother and son moment where I should say 'I love you' to him, I get super uncomfortable. I feel like Im just forcing myself to bring out the words when really I would much prefer to just cuddle and play with him and shower with kisses and go out for walks and adventures. Does anyone else feel like this? XD

You don't say how old he is.
Honestly, what have you got to lose by telling your son you love him? You carried him, you gave birth to him, you watch as his milestones pass. You and he have a naturally intense connection that you don’t with the others you've listed. It looks like something's going on with you, mental health wise. You really need to get that looked into to find and access the help you can receive. He's little, he came from you, is there nothing you can see in him that makes you think "I love you"?
He has nothing else on his agenda but needing and loving you.

My mother never said it to me either. So I made a point of saying it a lot to my ds, now 24. It’s rare a day goes by without one of us saying it - he will even say it in front of his mates. Persevere, it’s worth it!

Honestly, nike-style just do it
This is like muscle memory.

minimum once a day (before bed is a good touch stone) and aim for something organic in the day.

when they are doing something cute/funny or helpful
"You are so clever/funny/good at x. Mummy loves you"
<Having a cuddle> "Mummy loves you sooooo much!"

You can also talk around love "mummy loves how great you are at drawing!" " Mummy loves spending time with you / plating with you / cooking with you "

I was never told that I was loved as a child, I know I was, but the words weren't used.

I found it hard, and still do to tell my DH that I love him, I usually send a random message every so often to tell him lol.

With the DC, again I found it hard, and so started to tell my eldest when he was around 2 at bedtime, we have, well still have, a routine with the DC that involves a high 5, fist pump, cuddle, kiss, and then we end with 'night, night, I love you, see you in the morning', and I've found that now I can easily do that, I am able to express that I love them verbally at all times, just took some practice to say the words.

Do you want to hear your child say they love you once talking? If so you've got to bite the bullet and start saying it frequently!

I was never told I love you or kissed or hugged. I say it all the time to my kids to the point where they are like yeah I know. I can't remember it feeling weird but the best way to normalise something is to do it lots.

I think if you are a caring parent, that's all that matters. It's what you do that counts. If a child was upset or in need of reassurance, it might help to be able to put your love into words.

Read him “I love you to the moon and back” by Amelia Hepworth! It may help.

Didn't feel particularly loved as a child, never heard my parents say it. Said it to DM once, when she was diagnosed with a serious illness - she told me not to be silly.

I say it all the time to my DC now. It was a conscious decision when DC1 was a baby. Felt very awkward indeed. Now it is the most normal, natural thing and it brings me joy. It was worth it

Didn't feel particularly loved as a child, never heard my parents say it.

That was definitely not my experience growing up. Our house overflowed with love, demonstrative affection, care and respect for one another, generosity, encouragement, laughter - every possible thing a child could want or need.

I would have felt my parents were treating me like a person with no powers of comprehension if they had started repeatedly verbalising their very apparent love for us.

Oh thank god for this post! I honestly thought it was just me!! I find it so hard to say to DS7 and we’re not very affectionate either. He never hugs back and is always so stiff when I try affection.

The complete opposite to my youngest!

I also grew up in a broken home and my parents were never affectionate with me and would never tell me they loved me then got sent to boarding school at 9. I’m trying to break the cycle with my own kids but it doesn’t come naturally to me.

DH is super affectionate and it’s sometimes a bit too much for me!

Imo, you show you love him and that's worth more.

I was told I was loved several times a day but never given clean clothes, shoes that fitted, a warm coat or gloves in winter, a comfortable bed. I was very confused that the basics weren't met despite all this dramatic declaration of love.

Showing is more powerful than telling.

I never got told I love you by my parents but my God I felt it, every day. On the other hand this new thing in the past few years of constantly saying it, sometimes it just feels like saying it for the sake of it. I've heard people saying love you on phone calls when they are literally 2 mins from home and say it constantly all day then when they actually speak to each other it's like shit and they treat them like crap 😂😭 you don't have to always say it. I usually say It to mine when I'm tucking him in and saying goodnight but I don't feel the need to keep saying it, he knows I do by how I am with him.

You don't have to say it as long as you show it.

We're all different. I have a good friend who isn't a hugger and worried about not hugging her kids enough, or not wanting to hug them to show love. But she's a great mum and her kids are loved and secure in that. It's okay to love your kids the way you love them.

Unless you want to perpetuate the same issues onto your son that you have, then yes you need to say it. It may feel awkward initially but over time it will become normal. Showing it is important. But children also need to hear validation that they are loved.

I remember as a teenager getting lifts to school from a friend's mum. She used to say "Love you!" as she dropped us off. It seemed a bit odd and cringey at the time to me. It also made me reflect on the fact my parents never said it, but that I did feel loved nonetheless, which is the important bit. However, I do tell teenage DDs regularly that I love them and am proud of them - hope they feel loved anyway but it's belts and braces, perhaps.

I'm not sure that I said it when they were little but toddlers and younger children tend to be more physically affectionate anyway.

Isn't there a risk that all the 'I love you darling child' declarations can be performative? ('Look world, what a good loving mother I am!')

Also, particularly when a child is older they might feel they are being nudged into declaring 'I love you' back?

I was always told I love you, whenever being dropped off somewhere, at night, on the phone. I don't think my dad was when he was growing up and my mum lost hers suddenly to a stroke as a preteen so I think that spurred them on to always make sure we knew we were loved. Even now approaching 40, I'll call out "Bye, love you" as I leave their house or at the end of a phonecall.

DD is told all the time, and tells me too. She knows through my actions but it's nice to be told too I think.

@AnnaSewell I don't think it's performative, most times people tell their child they love them it's when they are alone, or built into their routine.

The only time I'd go over the top with performative I Love You is for comedy value to make my child laugh.

I felt so loved as a child . I do t remember parents saying ‘I love you’ but they expressed and showed their love. I find it easy to tell my DH and DC that I love them and still say it to my 23 & 19 yr old and they say it back. They will text the childish way they said it sometimes which is cute. DH still says it to them at the end of a call. I randomly just text them that I love them. Who doesn’t want to hear that?
OP I would really try to get over it now so it just becomes normal. Maybe ‘ Guess how much mummy loves you?’ Is that easier than those three words?

I think it's important for kids to hear those words even though it might feel awkward initially to say it!

My parents never heard it as they grew up (both came rom dysfunctional homes) so our house was always lots of 'love yous'. Every phone call or departure was a hug, a wave and a 'loveyoubye'.

I actually said it to my mum early one morning when she rang me, not knowing that 3 hours later she'd be gone from a heart attack. It gives me huge comfort to know that the last words I ever said to her, even though it was a habit at the end of every phone call, was 'love you'.

Maybe in your mind you're trying to formalise it too much, when you could just try it out really casually. Next time you have to part company for any reason, just try a casual 'love you, see you in a bit'. And keep on doing it. I don't think it has to be a 'formal moment', but more just a natural bolt on to conversations and then in time it just becomes a natural part of the way you speak.

I tell my family I love them and likewise with close friends too. It's good to feel loved but it's also really nice to hear people say they love you too.

I was never told I love you or shown any affection growing up. It was odd saying it at first but I tell my children I love them several times a day now without issue. TBH I probably say it too much but I never want them to grow up feeling inadequate like I did.

Keep saying it- it will get easier.
You can just say a quick ‘love ya little cowpoke’ ( or whatever his nickname is), rather than looking deeply into his eyes and saying ‘I love you’
😁

@taketheleap 💓

I agree.

My DD has just turned 3 and she gets 'I love you' probably about 50 times a day. Ranges from:

Love you bubs
Mummy loves you
I love you chicken
Love you so much
Love you H (her name begins with H)
I love you little girl

And much more.

And the best thing, she now says it to me, unprompted. I often get an 'I love you mummy' and she also says 'I love you too'

Nothing warms my heart up more than her saying that.
She deserves to know she's loved and I deserve to know I'm doing something right when she says it to me.
Same goes for you.