Any mums out there with 1 child and not having any more? (for whatever reason!)

[Mylittlepea]

Hiya,

I am new to mumsnet.......

I have been a big poster on one of the fertility boards for years. I have a lovely little girl who is 2 years, 3 months who was a result of our 3rd IVF cycle. Have just had a failed frozen embryo treatment from our only frostie and feeling really sad about about it all.

My hubby doesn't really want to do any more treatment as its taken over our lives for a few years, and although I am prepared to do it again, we can'y really afford to (at 4k a go its doesn't come too cheap)

Anyway, I would just love to hear experiences of mums with one child and happy stories and regrets too of only hvaing one child.

Looking forward to 'meeting' you!

Love Mylittlepea
x

I have a Ds. He's just turned 6 and is a handful.
He was diagnosed with Autism at 3 and is one of the main reasons why I don't want anymore.
Plus the fact that I never was very maternal.
I'm quite happy with one. He gets all my attention which helps his development, my best friend is fab and accepts his challenges by helping his social skills by letting him loose on her kids!! and I just can't risk Ds having a big regression.
I don't think it would be fair to him.

Hi littlepea. I've only got one dd and she's 12 now. There are loads of really lovely threads on here somewhere about having one child. I'll have a look and see if I can link one for you.

I had one only child, she was 15 when i had her sister, so more or less a second. We wont be having anymore. I was an only child, i cannot say whether i missed out on having brothers and sisters or not - from what i have seen of extended family, friends and mumsnet, i would say, no great loss.

hi mylittlepea, welcome to mn. we have a ds whos nearly 3 and have had 7 mc's and 1 ep since. i dont think we will have another child, and i think that at some point you have to decide to stop putting your life on hold for that hypothetical child. its a tough decision and not 1 im 100% comfortable withthough.

I have a gorgeous DS who is 2.8. I am sure that we won't have anymore. I have a very bad back, which deteriorated considerably after pregnancy and I risk major surgery if it gets much worse.

I really don't mind though. I have a sister who I spend very little time with & I have to say that I have gained very little from having her. I know that sounds a bit harsh. I think that if I am aware of potential problems for DS being on his own I'll try to prevent them.

For years we said we didn't want kids. Then we changed our minds and had our wonderful boy. I'm not going to risk his happiness & well-being for anything.

I've got a dd, nearly 3, and I am definitely not having any more. I hated pregnancy from start to finish, hated the after effects (extra wrinkles, jelly belly etc) and vowed never to do it again. If dp and I do decide we want more, we will try to adopt.

I have an only DS of 4.3 and I would adore to have another child. For lots of reasons it can't happen. I have two siblings and I simply cannot imagine life, or childhood, without them. I spend a lot of time feeling sorry for DS because he is a singleton, and then have to keep reminding myself that having siblings and a large, noisy family is no guarantee of happiness or success. It's perhaps one of the hardest challenges I face in learning to accept life as it is, not as I wish it to be. Sorry if this isn't helpful - I don't want to increase any sadness you may have. But I also want to be truthful because the one thing I AM learning about parenting is that children have a terrifyingly keen sense of what really is .. my DS sees the parent I am, not the one I want to be! We are so lucky to have one DC - it's important not to let the joy around him or her be blighted. This does not mean pretending to yourself with stern "count your blessings" lectures, but to find a way to be genuinely, authentically happy with what is. Best of luck to you.

Worriermum, I couldn't have put it any better. I am in the same position - have 1 DS, dearly wanted more but found out a year ago that my chances were pretty much zero. It is proving a difficult thing to come to terms with, but I try to keep reminding myself that life can't be totally controlled, that everything that happens to us makes us what we are, and that I can 'choose' to focus on the positives, rather than dwell on the negatives.
There are times when i feel very sad, but there are also times when i feel very happy and can enjoy the good things that come with having an only child - lots of quality one-on-one time, no sibling squabbling, activities/food/treats being much easier to afford and so on. Sometimes i look at friends with larger families and feel relieved that my life is relatively stress-free - that helps me along a bit too, even if sometimes make me feel as if I'm not a proper parent (I know that's a silly thing to think, but am trying to be honest here).
One thing we did which I don't think we would have done if we'd had more children is we got a dog. I know this might sound a bit trite, but it's actually made quite a big difference to our life, and to our DS. It has changed the dynamic of the household, given me something else to focus on, given my DS a bit of 'company' at home, and brought us lots of laughs too.
And my DS has lots of lovely cousins on both sides, and this always makes me feel better for him - that he will have family around when he's grown up.

I only have the one DS but I only ever wanted one child and am totally happy with the decision.

I grew up in a large family and hated it. Having siblings does not automatically guarantee they will get on.

I work part time and have plenty of quality time with DS. We can afford to treat him and to take him on trips etc and not be financially stretched.

I dont think I will ever change my mind about having another, I have a brilliant relationship with DS and am happy with the choices we have made.

I forgot about that side of things. I have 2 brothers, both quite a bit younger and I hardley ever see them. Not even for my Ds' birthday just gone.
My family aren't really close and I'm putting all my energies into making sure that me and Ds are not going to be like that. ( well as much as I can with his ASD)
And thank you Callisto! I also hated pregnancy. The changes in my body, the constant tiredness, the back pain etc.And to be brutally honest, I didn't enjoy DS as a baby. After learning from my parents that you couldn't rely on anyone, I couldn't cope with someone being entirely dependant on me and it pushed me into my lowest depressive crash ever.

I have one ds aged 13 now.I couldn't have more without a serious health risk and so we decided to enjoy what we were given and we certainly have!We are incredibly close and do lots together and travelling and social events are very easy.There are pros and cons to everything and it is not neccesarily easier with one as a troop do entertain each other but we always have encouraged his friends to stay over and had an open house policy.I wouldn't chjange a thing now although we are thinking of fostering when we movwe later this year as we all think we could share our great life with others.It is all good

I have one lovely DD, can't have anymore. It does make me sad BUT I love DD and she'll never know any different. I try hard to make sure she makes lots of friends and has playdates.
I don't think she feel she misses out, and one of her little pals comes round to avoid her own little brother...
She has plenty of cousins so not lacking family in any way.

Thanks all so much for your messages....

Its really interesting to have lots of different opinions. My Dd has lots of playdates - I work part-time so am able to take her out to lots of activities & playdates but I am keen for her not to be spoilt either, so do encourage to play at home on her own too.

I am an only child and my DH lost contact with his brother too years ago so sadly she will have no aunties/uncles or cousins. That makes me feel sad for her. That said, I didn't suffer being an only child. I've got 9 cousins but tbh don't keep in contact with them much these days.

I still haven't ruled out another go at IVF (if I can persuade DH) because in my heart I want to do the whole baby thing again, its not just to create a playmate for my DD. I loved being pg, I'd waited 3 years to get pg. I did find the early months hard though - I struggled with guilt too as I had been so desperate to have a baby - it wasn't all fluffy-lovely-mummy-ness when it did happen - bloody exhausting and life changing!

Worriermum - you are right about accepting life as it is though. Very true - just needs some time to be TOTALLY appreciating of what I have ( and I am so lucky I know)

Thanks again..be lovely hear more stories

Love mylittlepea

x

I have one DD (5.5) and it was absolutely our choice to have just one, a lot of research on only children is quite negative but teachers and friends comment on how outgoing and sociable and good at sharing DD is. Plus we can afford dance lessons, swimming, football etc and will be able to afford uni etc as we only have to do it once.

It's the best thing imho, I love having an only and I loved being an only

I have one dd 18m. The only reason we would have another dc is to give her a sibling and I'm not sure that's enough of a reason.

My dh didn't cope at all through my pregnancy and the first year and I felt totally alone. Now, we're just tentatively beginning to be a little happier. 4 of my friends and preg with their 2nd, so the pressure on but I think we'll stay just the 3 of us otherwise I'm afraid it might end up me and 2 dcs judging by my dhs coping abilities last time

Callisto, I hated pregnancy too, although I wasn't tired or poorly and physically I did "bloom". However mentally I was in a mess and I was bored bored bored, couldn't seem to put my time to good use. I know I wouldn't be bored next time because I'd be looking after dd but I don't fancy doing it again.

i only have one dd and have no intention of having anymore (despite people constantly asking ooh when are you going to have another one). i had a good pregnancy and birth, dd is an angel(sometimes) i just dont want anymore. As long as they get to interact with other children i dont see a problem. i have a brother who i never got on with, would have been much happier as an only child!

peacelily- just wanted to say that my SIL felt like that after having her dd and always said that was it. She seriously thought a 2nd might cause her and her dh to split. However 5yrs on they had another and it was a totally different experience for her- she found the pg, labour and early months much easier than her 1st, her dh was much better and her ds was a much easier baby. Now she says she would consider a third!
Your dd is only 18mths, there's plenty of time so don't be too .

mylittlepea welcome to mn! I just have the one dd - I hated pregnancy, labour and the baby stage, and I don't think I want to do it again. Plus time is marching on - I am 40 now! I adore dd and so far she hasn't missed out - she loves her friends but also likes playing alone (as i did, I'm also an only). I think it will be fine, even if you have siblings you can't guarantee they'll get on (FIL hardly saw his brothers for years).

Soph thanks for your message it's really reassuring! I'm lucky in that I've got time to think about it, 7 years until I'm 40 which is my personal cut off point.

I do feel a twinge of something when friend after friend phones up with the "news" I don't know quite what it is, concealed longing? Envy?? Then I think about being pregnant and giving birth and actually experience the physical sypmtoms of panic.

Also TB bluntly honest I'm put of by posters on here who seem so stressed out and frazzled by it all. The disturbing of the current equilibrium is too much of a risk for us to take and my opinion of my dh has changed. I still love him but he's not the man I thought he was and I've learnt the hard way that I really can only depend on myself.

mylittlepea welcome to Mumsnet sorry to hijack! I think only child families can and do work. the dcs are secure, independent and have a high sense of self-value and self-worth.

I suppose the downsides are the risk of a dc being spoilt (although parents can go some way to counteracting that, it's not solely the premise of only children) and overwhelmed by being the sole focus of their parents affections. I think in later life it's hard to shoulder the burden of sick parents alone but again I feel parents can counteract this by making solid financil provisions for their future.

I have one dd (3). We were married for 10 years with no thought at all of having any children - we were both way too career-focused. I never felt the biological clock ticking but dh and I both eventually realised that having a child would be - for want of a better phrase - a nice thing to do.

It took two years and one mc for us to have our dd and I can honestly say that I knew as soon as she was born that she was all I would ever want.

Every single friend I've made through having my dd has gone on to have another one and I have not felt broody or jealous (although I love having cuddles with their new dcs - and so does my dd!). Plus me and dh are both in our forties and you do worry about the risks.

Yes we do worry about dd being lonely/spoiled/brattish/in therapy but then we look at our sociable, laid-back, happy girl and think "it'll be ok". She's surrounded by love - from us, all her cousins, dcs of friends etc and surely that's all that matters?

nancy75 and Pbear - maybe we should have a support group? How do you answer the "when's the next one coming question?"

squeaver, my in-laws have given up asking for now! My dad, bless him, would never dream of asking or interfering - nor would mum, if she was still here. My ILs have brought it up in the past but they know my feelings, and for a while now they haven't mentioned it.
Out of my friends, my best friend just has the one herself (she also has her mum to look after), and a couple of my other friends also just have the one.
tbh dd does get spoiled sometimes - we can afford more just having her! But she is sociable, happy and good at sharing.
I've not ruled another out 100%, just 99% If I had another now though it would really be for dh and dd, so she had a sibling. But she would be nearly 6, so they probably wouldn't really 'connect' until she was older - dd isn't at all into babies!

mylittlepea, if you do look at the old threads you may see some sad posts from me about my dd being an only child.

I'd like to balance them by saying that it gets better all the time. She's nine now and I'm finally coming to terms with it. I don't have to go through the exhausting cycle of regrets every few weeks and months. The last time was when dd started to question why we won't adopt (as friends of ours have done).

I think my life would have been awful without my sibs, but dd isn't me. She'd have loved a brother or sister (or she thinks she would) but she doesn't grieve over it. She's friendly and sociable, gets on well with all ages, and accepts that we're a happy family as we are.

Scotsgirl - I do understand about the dog, in our case it's a cat, but she has become another family member. She gives us a lot of laughs and is someone for dd to look after and be senior to.

It's my friends with more than one who ask me (parents and ils know us too well to even consider asking!). I did think about saying "oh we're trying but no luck" but, sod it, now I just say "we only want one" and leave them to make up their own minds!

Funnily enough, we are thinking about getting a dog though!