Any mums out there with 1 child and not having any more? (for whatever reason!)

[Mylittlepea]

Hiya,

I am new to mumsnet.......

I have been a big poster on one of the fertility boards for years. I have a lovely little girl who is 2 years, 3 months who was a result of our 3rd IVF cycle. Have just had a failed frozen embryo treatment from our only frostie and feeling really sad about about it all.

My hubby doesn't really want to do any more treatment as its taken over our lives for a few years, and although I am prepared to do it again, we can'y really afford to (at 4k a go its doesn't come too cheap)

Anyway, I would just love to hear experiences of mums with one child and happy stories and regrets too of only hvaing one child.

Looking forward to 'meeting' you!

Love Mylittlepea
x

I've got just the one and won't be having any more. I am 43 so it is waay to risky even if I could actually still concieve. Also there's the economic factors - I have just got a proper job, one I can gradually build up the hours in, and so can come off HB soon - and also, though DS dad is a great dad, very involved etc, he and I are not a couple and wil not be having any more shag action, and if I got PG by someone else, not at all sure it would be good for the current family set up.
But I don't mind. I love DS to bits and have coped OK with all the stages so far (he is 3.6) but I really don't fancy the little-toddler stage again.

squeaver, the conversation is usually
when are you having another?
when we win the lottery!
i have a massive extended family and they all have a million kids each so they just think im weird!

I have one dd, 2.8. I took us 8 yrs, and she was the result of our second fresh IVF. I was 43 when she was born. We would love to have another, and despite knowing the odds, we did do another fresh IVF last year when I was 45. Unsurprisingly it didn't work and I accept that I am now too old to conceive via IVF with my own eggs. We are also too old too adopt a child younger than dd so I would not pursue that either.

I am an only child and dh's family are all overseas so I do worry about dd's lack of family, especially since we are older parents. All our playdate mommy friends are having the second babies now (most had them last year) and I think that is a difficult transition for us.

Of course we are thankful for dd, but I am sorry I cannot have another and she will not have a sibling.

I have one DS who is five. This was our choice and we are all very happy with it and are a tight little family of 3

I have said on similar threads before that I have a sibling to whom I was very very close as children, so I know the benefits of that; but it still doesn't mean that I felt I had to provide that for ds. I loved having my sibling, then as an older sibling when he was away travelling I VERY much enjoyed the benefits of being an only for a while!

I wouldn't enjoy splitting my attention at ALL, I am very strongly someone who likes to focus on one thing and one person at a time. I think it helps if you really know yourself and what will make you happy. I wonder if it's selfish, but I actually think there are not that many parents out there who have a second child ONLY from an unselfish point of view, who know that they will hate it and be miserable etc; lots of parenting decisions about this issue are selfish and that's fine IMO

Nearly all the people I know are closer to their friends as adults, than to their siblings

My mum is one of six but when her dad died all the work of looking after him, organising his care, hospital visits, then funeral, came down pretty much on her...so alot of the 'benefits' of having a sibling may well never happen

There are LOADS of positives to being a singleton - time, attention, more resources available in every way not just money!

i know it's different if you haven't chosen to be the parent of an only, but I thought it might help to hear from people who have chosen this and who are very happy My ds has absolutely thrived and blossomed as an only...he is high maintenance and I think having a sibling would have created as many issues as it would, of course, have brought joys.

I've an only, she's 6 now and I won't be having any more. I just don't want more, it's hard to say why but the thought horrifies me.
I love having an only and as a single Mum it makes sense to me too, I'm actually pleased I feel this way.
I have my first appointment to be sterilised this week so it's a definite decision

I just have the one dd (7yo), and love the way my life is now. Dont feel I have the time to provide the same attention to another in the way I do with dd.

Theres a really good, positive article in Junior magazine this month about only children, try and read it. I have been quoting bits to the playground mafia when they have little digs about dd being a singleton.

Welcome to mumsnet Littlepea

We have one dd (2.10) and won't have another as we are very happy the way we are. I find that being a working mum (3 days per week) is very hard work at times and think I would have trouble coping with more anyway and wouldn't be able to give them the time that I would want too. There are also financial and childcare considerations.
I have a sister but we don't get on that well and hated each other as teenagers, my dad is about to go away travelling for several months and I'm the one who is doing all the help for him, his finances, post, storage, putting him up at either end etc and I think that if either of my parents needed further support it is likely to all fall to me anyway.
I do find it hard to answer the 'when are you having another' question, my HV told me I ought to have more to keep dd company, but she has clubs, friends, pre-school, cousins and me & DH for that. I feel for people who can't have more, it must be much worse for you.
I wish society would be more accepting that people can be very happy only having 1 child and not assume that everyone should have more.

Hi,

Thanks all so much for your replies.....think I need some time to get my head around accepting that I may only have one child.

My problem is I don't have the choice to have any more. I am no super mum though and some days I do wonder whether its beacuse I DON'T have the choice, is the reason why I want another one ( you always want want you can't have) 3 years ago I would have thought myself selfish to want 2 children when I would have given anything to be able to have just 1.

Its so hard - all 3 of my local (antenatal class) mum friends are expecting their second babies in the summer 4 weeks apart from each other. my DD plays so well with their children and have known each other since birth. I have a lump in my throat like a golfball thinking about this summer and having to see them all with their new babies.

Sorry, just having a down day today. Going to go and give my DD some cuddles I think.

Love Mylittlepea
x

I've got only one too and he's very happy in our little family. TBH it is only me who wishes to have another and it isn't going to happen (too old now and health concerns!). I get really sad thinking that my DS has no sibling although it doesn't seem to bother him. And it makes me sad that I will never have a little girl to go shopping with and I still like shopping with my mum, even now!

I really feel for you as it will be hard seeing all those new babies.

I think you should definately acknowledge your feelings, even if you just think them to yourself. Give yourself time to grieve because it is a grieving process. You've had a tough time over the last few years so be kind to yourself.

I'm sure your DD will always be happy having such a lovely mum.

littlepea - I also never thought about having more than one child when it was taking so long just to have one. it is hard sometimes, seeing the second babies and seeing your own child play with them. But I think it gets easier and I keep revisiting that awful place where I had no children to keep it in perspective. Of course when I had no children I didn't hang out with moms and kids so much - that's a big difference. There's absolutely no escape from the second babies unless you and your dc live alone in a cave.

I do also think a lot of the problem is not having the choice.

It's so refreshing to see people talking positively about only children. I have one daughter, 2½ yrs old and we're not going to have any more. I'm not willing to put myself through it physically, emotionally and financially.

Most of my mum friends are having their second now and I am seen as a bit odd. When a new baby is presented, I'm never offered a cuddle as they assume I'm not interested. I am totally interested, I just don't want another one of my own.

I guess the issue is one of choice. I have the option to have another and have chosen not to. I do very much feel for those who want another but can't. However, if there's people like me who are choosing to have just one it shows that only children are 'only' for a whole host of reasons.

When people ask me when I'm having another I say "We're happy with just one". This usually stops people asking any further questions as they're not sure what territory they're headed for. I don't feel I need to justify my decision. Our little family of 3 is doing just fine.

Message withdrawn

Hi Mylittlepea. My DD is nearly 4 and is definitely the only one. We had a terrible time having her and she was a prem. She has also got health issues which would also happen again. We had originally always said one child but then I did feel broody a while ago (as she got more independant and didn't seem to need me as much) but I know it can never happen. Also we are in our 40's so not sure we want to be that old with a second child. I don't think she is missing out on anything. She is surrounded by our love and is doted on by all family memebers (she is the only Grandchild for both our families) but not with material things but love and time. She is a confident child who mixes well with others so I feel she is developing well. Only thing is she has started asking me for a brother or sister! Like others here we do get asked if when we are going to have another one and we quite plainly say we are not. She is the focus of our life and we do not want or need anything else.

My daughter was the result of fertility treatment too (one embryo transplanted, no frosties). I can't afford to go through anymore treatment and as it is highly unlikely to happen naturally I doubt we will have another. I feel sad for my dd though as I was an only child and don't have a positive view of not having a sibling. I would dearly love another child though and get quite upset when I hear about other people being pregnant especially if they didn't really want to be. Don't think I could go through the rollercoaster of treatment again though even if we did find the money with looking after my dd too.

Hi Mylittlepea. I'm also new to MumsNet.

My DS is 21 months, the result of fertility treatment, and we have recently had 2 unsuccessful IVFs (poor responder, no frosties) in an attempt to get him a sibling. We are likely to have one more go but then not sure if we'll do it again, as, like your husband, mine feels our life is on hold while we hold out the hope that it could work again.

I'm desperately sad about it as DS was a twin and his brother died shortly before birth (long traumatic story) so I really feel like he's missing out already. I know where you're coming from about the choice side of things. I also have this belief that it's hard to do hope and acceptance at the same time - while you're hoping that it might happen (glimmer of possibility that DH might change his mind etc) it's hard to 'accept' where you are. It feels like loss when friends seem to be 'gaining' with their second babies.

I think that what Vulgar said about it being a grieving process and to give yourself time is absolutely right. And, as it is about grief and loss, remember there are no rules and to be kind to yourself.

Pixle333
xx

Hi

Mylittlepea - sorry to hear about your failed FET.

I've got one ds (nearly 3) and he was the result of IVF. I cannot have children naturally. We had an FET recently which ended in a m/c.

I am so torn as to whether to try again. On the one hand I love our family of three and am grateful for the ds I thought I might never have. I also wasn't overjoyed with pregnancy and hte baby phase and don't relish the idea of that again.
Oh and there's the nightmare of more treatment which might not work anyway!

On the other hand I worry that when I'm older I will regret not putting up with a year or two of treatment/ hopefully preg/ sleepless nights etc, in readiness for the years of having another which would be nice. If someone could tell me treatment would definitely work, or ideally hand me a 2 year old that would be great!

I even worry that by having an only I've half the chance of grandchildren.

For ds too I think, well he'll probably be fine as an only and he has lots of cousins but we do focus our attention on him so much that maybe he's going to get stifled!

It's so tricky!

And like others have said that 'when are you having another' question is so annoying sometimes!

another singleton family here!
DD is only 13mo, but I have always felt that I only wanted one, and that hasn't changed since having her.

reasons are briefly - our very limited finances and little flat, keeping my career (just about) alive, being able to spend more time with DD, but most importantly, a feeling that our family is complete. I do feel sad that she will not have a sibling, but I agree with peacelily that this in itself is not a good enough reason to have another.

I have the one ds, advised not to have any more, he's now 12. I thought he missed out, but he thinks the idea of a sibling is horrendous as he would have to share the attention!

Financially, it's better - we have put him through private school, and can afford it with one, and hopefully, will be able to cover uni as well.

I'm glad I have a child, as so many people have none, so I'm lucky Both my parents were onlys, so I suppose I don't see it as strange, and there were times and still are, when I wished I was an only too. I'm 42 and db is 39!

We only have one and come under a lot of pressure to have more. We had a m/c earlier in the year which has left me with very mixed feelings about having more children but i know it will never happen. Firstly i suffer from depression which was made much worse by PND. Dd is also not dp and i have very unsure feelings about having a child by another man. I also worry how dp having his own biological child would affect our family dynamics. Will have to start new post am n my mobile as am in bed not well.

I teach which in my opinion is not a family friendly career. I know dd often has to come second to the kids i teach, and this is a common experience amongst colleagues. When dd was a pre schooler i stayed at home and we could not afford to do that again. As selfish as it sounds we have a very average but nice lifestyle and that would all have to go if we had another child. It is a mystery to me how people afford their children. I am also not a natural mother and would not want to inflict myself on another.

On a positive note dd has a good life because she is am only child. I have concerns about her being spoilt but that comes more from me trying to compensate for her difficult early life and my illness rather than her being an only child. Dd has said she does not want any brothers or sisters. She does have a step brother already. We are a very close family as there are only the three of us. Life is also quite simple not having a brood means if we want to pack off for the weekend it is easy.

Dd is a very confident and clever child and i wonder if that is linked to not having to compete for attention. We are able to give her the time and resources to follow her interests and talents. The schools locally are not very good and having one means that we can if necessary educate privately and dd will not be limited when it comes to university. Dd has lots of friends and has cousins. We regularly have sleepovers and take other kids out for the day or on holiday.