Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

Child arrangements over Xmas with Ex Husband

33 replies

Happygal88 · 23/12/2023 05:39

So I just want to see what other people's opinions are on this. Apologies for how long this will be, haha!

My ex-husband and father to 2 of my children has been asking since September what the plans are for Xmas this year (last year he should have had them xmas eve into xmas day but chose not to and took them xmas day into boxing day then dropped them home). For context, our relationship is very changeable. I try and stay amicable. However, this can be hard due to his nature, sarcastic remarks, or just being plain rude to me, depending on his mood and then how I react (its not always easy to remain nonchalant/unbothered by him). Everytime he mentioned it I'd say the same "it's your turn to have them on Xmas eve into Xmas morning and then I'll have them for Xmas Dinner" we would then arrange different days etc throughout the holidays as previous years. So this went on right up until about 3/4 weeks ago when he asked me again, and I said the same thing and his reply was "no, I've booked to take them away from 23rd to the 29th of Dec" he plans to take them somewhere that's an 8hour round trip. I proceeded to ask him why he has bothered asking me the plans if this is the case. I asked him about when i'm supposed to see the kids over xmas, and he suggested driving them down on xmas day and then back up. When I told him I thought that was ridiculous, he asked me if i was happy not to see them on xmas Day ... at that point, i told him i wasn't happy and that if I had done that to him, he would be kicking up hell. To suggest i dont want to see my children on xmas day is beyound a joke. I personally think that it is ridiculous to suggest a 10yr od and 7yr old would want to do that/or be happy to do that on xmas day.

AIBU to think what he has done is just an absolute d*ck move here. Would you expect your kids to do an 8-hour round trip on xmas Day or think that's fair?

I have spoken to a few friends and family about this, and each person has said similar things about how they wouldn't allow this to happen and definitely would not be happy. I also felt the reason he continued to ask is because he wants me to tell him "no" so he can tell my children that he has all these wonderful things planned and I've stopped them doing this (wouldn't be the first time he has said things like that to them). Any advice or feedback would be very helpful.

OP posts:
hashbrownsandwich · 23/12/2023 06:21

As someone who has a similar twat of an ex, I would say you suck it up this year on the basis next year you have them for the same time.

SD1978 · 23/12/2023 06:25

Could they go Christmas Day- 29th? I absolutely would not be supporting the 23rd-29th and seems to have been booked for control and to cause disappointment- which is an arsehole move! I'm not saying you should, but thats a semi solution where you still see them and they still go away.

wildwestpioneer · 23/12/2023 06:37

I'd use this as a stake in the ground. Email or text him (something you can keep) and tell him he can have them on the agreed dates this year, as long as you can have them the same time next year and then do it each year going forward. Unless he agrees to this then go back to your original plan.

If it's in writing, come next year you can push back if he starts to kick up a stink.

Tbh I'd start pushing back on his changes in the new year, put a plan in place as to which days he sees his dc. If he can't make it then it goes to the next agreed day. Sometimes these people bully their partners into submission. Know your power op, you can stand your ground, you have much right to see your dc as he does, you're not just someone who looks after the children when your ex can't

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

7 year olds Events & celebrations Families General parenting
Mindymomo · 23/12/2023 06:41

Well it’s the 23rd today, what have you decided to do.

autienotnaughty · 23/12/2023 07:05

I would say he can come back and collect on 25 th in afternoon and maybe in the new year you need a more formal agreement

Scarletttulips · 23/12/2023 07:11

If you don’t have a court order you need one.

Where is he taking them? Is it a visit or a holiday?

He needs to swap his plans and bring them back to you or have them later.

Original poster
Happygal88 · 23/12/2023 07:15

Thank you for your replies. I was just interested to see what others thought tbh i want the kids to see their dad, as much as I can't stand him he is their dad and I encourage that relationship fully. I haven't said no he cannot take them. If he moves the booking he has said he will lose £500 due to booking bfast with santa on xmas eve and then Xmas day dinner. Although I don't think that is my issue, had he at least discussed it with me prior to booking we could have sorted something. he has just as much right to see them as I do. I personally think it is a d*ck move on his part. These conversations I've had with him were not done in front of our kids, I actively try not be horrible about ther dad or let them overhear me ranting about him. The kids want to go (my youngest wasn't keen at first and didn't want to however all seems ok now and she is talking about it more) and that's what matters to me, if either one didn't then I would not be forcing them to go. They both know that they can come home at anytime not just this trip, but whenever they are at dad's. Likewise if they want to see dad during the week then I'm happy to facilitate that (although their dad drives up and down the UK so not always possible). I will face time them on Xmas day and then going forward I plan on getting a separation agreement wrote up from a lawyer to have a formal agreement in place for things like birthdays and holidays so we both know where we stand.

OP posts:
Original poster
Happygal88 · 23/12/2023 07:19

It's a holiday, not a vist to family or relatives.

OP posts:
ilovelamp82 · 23/12/2023 07:20

Have you made it clear that you will be having the same amount of time next year to ensure he doesn't make any plans. Tell him now, ideally in writing so there is no confusion and he has no leg to stand on arguing back.

user1492757084 · 23/12/2023 07:21

If you are agreeing to him having them all that time you are very easy going.
Good idea to have a proper plan for the next few years.
Written on paper and lodged for the special celebration and school holiday times.

IhateJan22 · 23/12/2023 07:25

I’d just let him do it as long as the kids are happy with it, he is trying to get a reaction from you. I wouldn’t bother getting him to write you can have them next year, it’ll be another argument. I’d nurse get some formal agreement wrote up in the new year. I hope you’ll still manage to enjoy your Xmas.

ofestivetree · 23/12/2023 07:28

Don't let them go to his. That's what he wants but no you can't trust him not to take them away for a week

Original poster
Happygal88 · 23/12/2023 07:36

I am a very easygoing person and probably too nice for my own good at times.

I have yet to see a booking confirmation. He has told me where he is taking them but refuses to show this. He says, and I quote, "On what grounds legally do I need to show you this?" I will be asking to see this today so I know where our children are going along with letting him know that I will be having the same amount of time next year. Although it crossed my mind to do what he has done to me and just book something and not tell him.

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 23/12/2023 07:36

I think you need to think whether the boys will enjoy the holiday? If so let them go that's all that matters really. Let him spend his money. But take the time back next year.

Or say " Great that means I can get a last minute deal to the Canaries" as soon as you say that he'll want to ruin your time and those not will be back.

I think handing over on Christmas day is bonkers for everyone, nobody can relax and fully enjoy the day, we've always done 12 noon Christmas eve to 12 noon boxing day and the year I don't have her we have Christmas eve, day and boxing day 27-29th instead and just move the whole thing

MintJulia · 23/12/2023 07:36

Let them go IF they are happy but put it in writing now that you will be having the equivalent time next year and there will be no last minute changes.

Me & ex do the same every year. I have ds from school break up to Boxing Day morning and he has ds from Boxing day until the afternoon of NYE.

Malificent1 · 23/12/2023 07:37

I’m very surprised that you’re willing to wave them off for such a long time over Christmas, at such short notice, when you’d already made contact arrangements. I’d have told him to fuck off 🤷🏼‍♀️

TheTigerWhoCameToEatMyHusband · 23/12/2023 07:39

Anyone asked the kids what they want ?

Sodndashitall · 23/12/2023 07:53

IMHO 10 years is a bit old for "breakfast with Santa" so this may well backfire on him.
It's a dick move on his part but not much you can do about it at this stage if he's booked it.
So I'd suggest that the children are told about the plans and you offer them the option of not going if they don't want to. And get it all written down for future years. Sorry he sounds a nightmare

Psychoticbreak · 23/12/2023 08:04

I would seriously stop responding to him at this point. He knows where they live, let him make the trip to your place to see them and tell him to fuck his other plans. Children should be in their homes with their toys at christmas not driving here there and everywhere.

hanschristmassolo · 23/12/2023 08:06

"On what grounds legally do I need to show you this?"

If he is taking them on holiday out of the country don't you have to legally give permission?

Original poster
Happygal88 · 23/12/2023 08:16

I'm not willingly waving them off, however they both (now want to go, my youngest didn't initially and I told her that was fine she could stay with me).

I don't believe he asked them prior to booking it, I have asked them since and continued to let them know that it is up to them what they decide to do. It's not about my feelings or dads, it's what they want to do on xmas and at any point they wanted to come home that's OK to.

Christmas we visit relatives (literally a 10 min drive for an hour then home the rest of the day unless we are having dinner there).

It's still within Scotland he is taking them. I haven't renewed their passports much to his dismay.

He is a nightmare to deal with, and I actually don't have that much contact due to this.

I do appreciate everyone's opinions and understand that there is no one size fits all for these things. However I try to do what's best for my kids and normally take the lead from them due to their ages and they have there own thoughts an opinions on things.

OP posts:
gotomomo · 23/12/2023 08:18

I'd ask the kids, if they are happy to FaceTime you rather than see you let them go, then next Christmas you have them the whole Christmas

Ouchiebum · 23/12/2023 08:27

I too am divorced and we have a week each over Christmas, taking it in turns to have Christmas or new year. I think your attitude is great, do what works for the kids.
I agree with all the others, you need to have more structure in your arrangements. I do a schedule at the end of the summer for the whole of the next year, that way both parents can plan.

Soontobe60 · 23/12/2023 08:27

Happygal88 · 23/12/2023 08:16

I'm not willingly waving them off, however they both (now want to go, my youngest didn't initially and I told her that was fine she could stay with me).

I don't believe he asked them prior to booking it, I have asked them since and continued to let them know that it is up to them what they decide to do. It's not about my feelings or dads, it's what they want to do on xmas and at any point they wanted to come home that's OK to.

Christmas we visit relatives (literally a 10 min drive for an hour then home the rest of the day unless we are having dinner there).

It's still within Scotland he is taking them. I haven't renewed their passports much to his dismay.

He is a nightmare to deal with, and I actually don't have that much contact due to this.

I do appreciate everyone's opinions and understand that there is no one size fits all for these things. However I try to do what's best for my kids and normally take the lead from them due to their ages and they have there own thoughts an opinions on things.

As rubbish as it is, I think letting them go is the best decision in these circumstances. The children know about the holiday so if you stopped them you’d be the bad guy. However, I would also get a legal agreement moving forwards. He has shown himself to be sneaky and unreliable.
For future communications, why don’t you try one of the apps that are recommended?
https://www.family-action.org.uk/content/uploads/2021/06/Family-Action-Polaris-co-parenting-apps-2020.pdf

https://www.family-action.org.uk/content/uploads/2021/06/Family-Action-Polaris-co-parenting-apps-2020.pdf

Spirallingdownwards · 23/12/2023 08:33

As we live about 2 hours apart we have always done entire Christmas on alternate years because it wasn't feasible to do the split day thing for anyone. I always think the kids end up with the worst of both when trying to split. Noone relaxes and things are rushed or delayed to ensure they happen. Christmas Eve am until 27 December gives each family alternate years to do proper full Christmases with extended family leaving alternate NY with the other parent.