To leave 3 month old with MIL?

[becomingfall]

Hi everyone. My little one is 3 months old and honestly a complete joy. He’s such a happy, smiley little guy but I am massively trapped in the depths of PND and PPA.

I’ve always struggled with SAD and being post natal is making this winter really hard. My outlet has always been CrossFit and I am desperate to get back to exercising.

I’m putting it off though because I’m so anxious to leave him with my DP parents. They absolutely adore him but they’re not my parents and I don’t feel the same level of trust/comfort around them as I do with mine. My baby is breastfed so when he has the odd bottle of expressed milk we pace feed him- I worry they wouldn’t do this, and this is the MIL that had already bought tubs of aptamil and banged on about the perfect prep machine all the way through my pregnancy despite knowing I was going to breastfeed. What if they turned their back for 2 mins with the dogs? What if he cries and needs me? I’m having such a mental battle with myself as I need this for myself so I can be the best mummy for him but my anxiety is so loud.

i saw this picture on tiktok the other week and it basically sums up how my brain is working at the min. How did you all cope with leaving them with DP parents for the first time?

I always took the view that whilst I didn't always agree with my MIL, she had brought up three healthy children.

You are very anxious. At 3 months they can go to a nursery. Your MIL will do a better job than nursery. Stop stressing about feeding. You can pump, provide frozen milk etc. You can mix feeding too. Would be wise to see gp about anxiety.

I have a 3 month old and wouldn't be comfortable leaving him at the moment either personally. I EBF and haven't been separated at all yet. Same with my eldest who was 1+ before leaving her when she started nursery (and she's turned into a very happy and confident child).

I'm sure that your ILs would look after your baby just fine but it's totally your choice to leave them or not, but it sounds like you are not entirely comfortable to do so yet.

From the baby's perspective this is one of the best ages you can leave them as they don't have separation anxiety quite yet!

Also how long are you talking about? If it's just for an exercise class can you feed before you drop them off and pick up before the next feed? A couple of hours is a different prospect to a full day.

I left my DD with my MIL at this stage. I don't see a problem at all but you need to be comfortable with it.

I think you need to stop engaging with the likes of that text. Your MIL has raised living, healthy children. You aren't mentioning a single thing she's done that you consider dangerous or neglectful. Build up slowly. Leave baby for an hour, get used to it and see if you can adapt.

My ils are good people and have looked after babies before as in my husband no different to my parents so sure we missed our baby but they got to spend time together

I was not the first to have a baby and won't be the last

I didn't leave my DC with MIL at MIL house until she was 3 but I'm an anxious hypervigilant mother and MIL while lovely wasn't safety conscious enough for me to feel comfortable.

Is there anyway she could come to your house rather than the baby go to her? I found this much better for my stress levels!

Kindly, If the worst she’s going to do is feed the baby a bottle of formula then I’m not being funny but that’s really minor in the grand scheme of things particularly if you’re struggling and need some childcare. It’s not poison.
Talk to her, teach her paced feeding and explain the benefits, remind her babies now sleep on their backs not their fronts and you don’t leave baby to cry (if she was a CIO advocate like my ex mil). Then go to the gym and count yourself lucky you have someone to mind the baby. The baby wont choke if it’s not pace fed this is to my knowledge a very new thing, we tried is with DC3 on the odd bottle but neither of us could actually get the hang of it and he got super frustrated so we just gave it how we knew. No harm done.

• 3 years old

@scrunchmum would be max 2 hrs. I’d definitely feed him before but would rather leave a bottle just in case he gets upset. I just need to pick a day and just do it but it just feels like the hardest thing in the world!

@RosesAndHellebores fair point, I definitely don’t agree with her the majority of the time but she has raised 2 relatively normal humans 😂

Why do you need to leave your DC with your MIL? Is there someone you feel more comfortable with that could have DC? There's no point making things even harder for yourself if there are options you'd be more comfortable with, especially when you're already not feeling your best

Anxiety is horrible OP i really sympathise. You just can’t tune out the intrusive thoughts sometimes.

Why don’t you start slow. Ask MIL to watch baby at your house whilst you do a you tube work out or something in another room. When you feel more comfortable maybe again ask MIL to watch baby at yours and pop to the shops for 15 mins small steps to build your confidence.

Be honest with your MIL about your anxieties and say it has nothing to do with her but can she please stick t exactly what you do.

It does get easier x

I agree with this! Start slowly and you will get there.
It's totally fine to be anxious about it

I get you. This was twenty years ago now, but the first time we left DS1 with PIL at about two months we came back to find him screaming blue murder and them trying to distract him with the hall lights so they didn't have to feed him as 'it hadn't been four hours!'

There's no right or wrong answer to this.

Your baby is certainly old enough to be left with someone else for a couple of hours, especially if the person is already familiar to them.

I left my first baby with my MIL for a couple of hours for the first time when he was 6 weeks old. And when my second was about 5 months old I had to leave her for four hours with a childminder she had never met before (she was well known to us) and it was fine.

It's really just about how you feel.

@StephanieSuperpowers she hasn’t done anything that I would consider neglectful etc but that’s not really how anxiety works is it unfortunately.

@HippeePrincess well to me that is a massive boundary crossing, feeding a breastfed baby a bottle of formula? We’ve also cut dairy for suspected cmpa so he can’t have normal formula anyway. Pace feeding isn’t to do with choking it’s so they still have to work at latching and feeding like they do at the breast. I’m aware I probably sound ridiculous but it all feels very overwhelming at the minute

Sorry if I've missed it but is there a reason you can't leave baby with your partner while you're at the gym? Might be less stressful to ease you into being away from baby.

@becomingfall , that's fine. Hope it all works out.

It sounds like this would be incredibly good for you.

Your MIL brought up your DP and your baby will be fine.

I left my breastfed babies for short periods of time from about 2 weeks and overnight with GPs from 6 weeks.

If you are suffering from PND it's really important that you do what you need to get better. That's the best thing you can ro for you and for baby.

@123ZYX not currently, my parents are in the process of selling and moving up closer to us so it’s them at the min!

@1967Kitherly thank you so so much. I feel so dramatic and like a massive drama queen reading my original post back but I can’t just switch the thoughts off (if only!) and they’re always there. I know they don’t seem rational and it’s impossible to explain to someone that’s never been in that position. I will talk to her about it and I think we will build up slowly. Thank you again

I didn’t leave dd with anyone other than DH until she was 10 months old. We didn’t have a choice because of covid, but I’m not sure I would have done any earlier. You need to do what’s right for you and your baby and if you don’t trust the person then don’t leave your child with them.

@becomingfall you’re not a drama queen! My anxiety was terrible I was on tablets for a while when I had my daughter. At one point I used to sit on my bum going down the stairs whilst holding her because I was so afraid of tripping! Its crackers now I look back but it happens. I still have anxieties now with a 2 year old and 14 year old but all parents do, and its not all consuming. Be kind to yourself!

How close are they? Could you start with leaving napping or just fed baby and taking yourself for a walk around the block, and go from there?

My little one is the same age and other than twice when I’ve had an appointment I haven’t left her at all. We have a toddler too and my husband generally deal with him at bedtime (because he’s confident at that) while I deal with her. He rarely does her bedtime so I even felt anxious going out for a dinner with friends the other night and leaving him to ‘watch’ her. First time round I didn’t feel like that because we both did everything so my son wasn’t fussed which one put him to bed, whereas she definitely knows if it’s not me. I don’t think I will be comfortable to leave her with my in-laws for a while yet but that is just me. I could do it but I know if I did I’d be wherever I was going and just be thinking about her. My in-laws almost never babysit our toddler either though so that definitely adds to it and we don’t see them an awful lot.

If you want to go and would need to rely on them to babysit, could you do a few trial runs first where you don’t leave? Or you maybe get them to babysit downstairs while you do some housework or something? Hopefully once they see what the routine is they would stick to it but I have the exact same fears