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Original poster

DD continuous stealing/lying

36 replies

Despairingatxmas · 20/12/2023 14:05

We desperately need some help as to how to stop this behaviour as I'm exhausted from it. DD is almost 13, since she was around 8 she has been 'stealing' things from us and others. It started with small amounts of food, special treats saved etc, this has happened consistently for almost 5 years. We have tried giving her her own box of treats each week, she eats all of that and then takes from her younger siblings/our boxes. It has now escalated to things, make up mostly that has been taken from my bedroom and/or my handbag, last week she took £80 from the side pocket in my handbag intended to give the cleaner. She can 'earn' £45 a month in pocket money if her bedroom is kept tidy but she seems to have decided not to bother. We have asked why she died it many many times and she just says 'don't know', never sorry or any emotion and im now hugely worried. Does anyone have any ideas on what to do? I have just found something else that has been stolen and I can't decide if taking Christmas presents is too harsh or if im being ridiculous to even consider giving them to her now. Help! X

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headcheffer · 31/12/2023 20:21

I was like this at that age. I have ADHD and BED that's helpful. I was also traumatised by my mother's 3rd marriage and slight neglect. I did it for the thrill and to have some control over my activities.

Namchanged · 31/12/2023 20:56

Give her a treat everyday so she can’t eat it all on day one

Original poster
Despairingatxmas · 31/12/2023 21:51

CurlsnSunshinetime4tea · 31/12/2023 19:13

Are you feeding her enough?
does the family have financial constraints interfering with grocery purchases or suitable physical activity sports to balance out the snacking?
in some ways I see your set up and forcing her to steal.
and why do you view it as stealing?
equally strange her buying food treats for friends, don’t kids like lip gloss, bath bombs, hair clips.
if indeed she’s food obsessed, you’ll want that investigated but what is your relationship with food like?

Not sure on the confusion here, she is very well fed and all of the money she stole was spent on herself not others! After a PP said about the dopamine hit I have been encouraging her to go out for a run each day as she used to enjoy that but she has no interest in sport anymore sadly.

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Original poster
Despairingatxmas · 31/12/2023 21:52

headcheffer · 31/12/2023 20:21

I was like this at that age. I have ADHD and BED that's helpful. I was also traumatised by my mother's 3rd marriage and slight neglect. I did it for the thrill and to have some control over my activities.

This is useful, she doesn’t tick the other ADHD boxes so I’m not sure what to think anymore!? Can I ask what BED is? We have first hand knowledge of autism so we are confident that’s not at play here

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WhompingWillows · 31/12/2023 21:59

headcheffer · 31/12/2023 20:21

I was like this at that age. I have ADHD and BED that's helpful. I was also traumatised by my mother's 3rd marriage and slight neglect. I did it for the thrill and to have some control over my activities.

@headcheffer please may I ask, have you recovered from your binge-eating disorder?

Original poster
Despairingatxmas · 31/12/2023 22:01

As an overall update we’ve spoken to a counsellor for her and we’ve tried again and again to talk to her about it all but we get a lot of passive aggressive behaviour back. It’s incredibly hard to keep trying to get her to open up

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Original poster
Despairingatxmas · 31/12/2023 22:03

headcheffer · 31/12/2023 20:21

I was like this at that age. I have ADHD and BED that's helpful. I was also traumatised by my mother's 3rd marriage and slight neglect. I did it for the thrill and to have some control over my activities.

Can I please ask what traumatised you/made you feel neglected form your mum’s marriage? I got married around the age she started but it actually led me to having more time with her as I wasn’t working quite as much and she did have a brilliant relationship with her SD. It has become a lot more distant with this behaviour but they have far more run together than I do with her these days

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ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 31/12/2023 22:28

Despairingatxmas · 31/12/2023 21:52

This is useful, she doesn’t tick the other ADHD boxes so I’m not sure what to think anymore!? Can I ask what BED is? We have first hand knowledge of autism so we are confident that’s not at play here

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Girls present very differently. Mask incredibly well from an early age. Just have a check on the Autistic Girls Network website. It’s in your family….

You say she won’t open up, and doesn’t show anything when you ask her about it. Makes me think it even more. My Dd is ASD. Very hard to get her to open up.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 31/12/2023 22:35

she's always had a tricky time making friends

Tricky time making friends, combined with inability to understand actions and stealing has ND written all over it.

lto2019 · 31/12/2023 23:46

I was going to ask did anything specific happen at the age she started but you have answered above you got married. I would suspect her behaviour, at least initially and possibly not even consciously is linked to this.

cestlavielife · 31/12/2023 23:51

What professional psych support has she had in the past five years? She and you need professional family therapist support and someone to get to the root of her issues and come up with strategies

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